


ULTRAVIOLENCE

by incarnato



Series: SUICIDE SQUAD [2]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Addiction, Alternate Universe - Police, Blood and Gore, Blood and Violence, Choking, Crimes & Criminals, Death, Emotional Manipulation, Explicit Sexual Content, Hospitalization, Loss of Control, M/M, Sexual Violence, Terrorism, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:29:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 106,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21769156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/incarnato/pseuds/incarnato
Summary: “As is so often the case in films of this kind, the ultraviolence is denounced as obscene and demeaning, but the film makers—and the audiences—clearly enjoy each sick and sickening sensation.” – Arthur KnightAfter the terrorist attack officer Jung Wooyoung has to recover from major injuries, forcing him to leave the Special Operations Unit. To show Wooyoung he loves him, commander Choi San leaves the force and gives Wooyoung his old job at the police department as investigator. As Wooyoung and San try to work through their issues together, Wooyoung soon learns that San's new life involves illegal activities.
Relationships: Choi San/Jung Wooyoung
Series: SUICIDE SQUAD [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1355299
Comments: 33
Kudos: 138





	1. Loving him was never enough

**Author's Note:**

> This is the long awaited sequel to SUICIDE SQUAD. 
> 
> This story can be read on its own, but I do suggest for you to read the prequel first, so you can get a better understanding of how San and Wooyoung's relationship came into being. 
> 
> This story is going to have 10 chapters. I don't know with what frequency I'm going to upload yet, but I hope to upload every weekend. This depends on the length of the chapters. 
> 
> Take a look at the tags if you are unsure if this story is for you. There is going to be a lot of gore, violence and sexual content. 
> 
> Enjoy reading!

Walking through the halls of the police department felt foreign and awkward to Wooyoung. He knew the reason why he was there, yet he couldn’t deny that he felt ill at ease in this new working environment. To his knowledge, he was a fraud after all.

Wearing his uniform again felt fresh and new, like he had just begun his job as a police officer. It was the same one he used to wear in the first few weeks when he had gotten his police badge. After a while it was truly unnecessary to wear the uniform, since the missions were at random and often required different clothing. A jeans and a t-shirt were often way more practical when called to respond to a mission. There was a high chance he was not going to wear his uniform often at this place either, but wearing it made him feel slightly more confident while walking through the halls.

He had a limp, one that wasn’t very noticeable, so his doctor would say. It could only be detected when focusing on the coordinated steps he was taking. The doctor had to tell him time and time again that only he himself was the one who noticed the limp, because he was the one who felt the difference.

“It’s like a tiny white scar in the folds of the skin. No one sees it except when you point it out.”

He wished he could believe him. He knew all too well that his new colleagues would watch his every move, because they knew exactly what had happened to him from all the footage they had seen from the terrorist attack. He wished it could be different, but at least he still had a job in the force.

A visible scar might have been worse, which was the only positive thing Wooyoung could extract from the doctor his comment. All his scars were hidden behind layers of clothing. Surprisingly enough, most of his scars were on his legs. This was because, as he was later told, his fibula, which is the smaller of the two leg bones, had broken and protruded through his skin. It was one of the reasons why he was out for more than three days, doped up on morphine and what not. It required multiple surgeries to fix his leg, which could have been deemed unfixable if the medical team on site hadn’t taken extra care to secure his leg on the stretcher.

What was not noticeable, but hurt like a motherfucker, was the gunshot that had went through his shoulder. Despite the weekly appointments at the police’s physiotherapy clinic, he could not hold up his arm high enough to be able to hold a gun. It could be months, his therapist had said, before the pain would be bearable enough for him to take the Firearms Training and Qualification to regain his Handgun Qualification License. Initially he had protested to take on the job he was offered at the Police Department. What was the point of returning to the force if he was not even able to hold a gun? In Wooyoung’s eyes there was nothing more pathetic than a policeman without a gun. However, after a few weeks, Wooyoung also realized that the job he was offered was not easily turned down. After all, San had handed in his badge for him so that he could have a successful career in his stead.

He was not entirely sure what Choi San, his commander at the time of the terrorist attack, had told the police department. What he did know was that he had handed in his resignation for him and that the police department had praised Wooyoung for the acts he had committed. Neither of these things made any sense to him. He had killed men in a total frenzy and he had been unable to save his colleague Yeosang who was still in a coma after weeks. Why was he being praised for that?

But what bothered him the most was that San had given up his uniform for him. Because of all people, only Wooyoung understood what consequences it would have for someone that was exactly like him. If he went from the behaviour he had shown himself during his rehabilitation away from the force, he could only imagine what it would do to San. Was he going to become depressed, was he going to go insane? Or even worse, was he going to hurt himself? There used to be nothing that scared him, but San’s sacrifice left him sleepless at night. How was San going to cope without a life in the force?

It took two months before acceptance of his new reality gained a place in his life. This acceptance was nothing grandiose, it merely existed out of small victories at the physiotherapy clinic, such as when he learned how to walk again at the barre or when he managed to lift his arm without punching the physician with his other one, since he was constantly talking in a manner that seemed excessively optimistic to him. When he thought there was nothing left but negativity, those that offered him help seemed to be able to turn everything into something positive. Were they never getting tired of their own bullshit? It was a question that seemed difficult for Wooyoung to get an answer to.

Acceptance turned out to be a process Wooyoung realized, not something that happened at a fixed moment in time. And some things, he also realized, were not meant to be accepted. If he accepted everything that happened in this world, he would not have joined the army or the force. After all, there had been a terrorist attack in Korea and the police were the last one to accept the scar this had left on their country. This realization had been a relief to Wooyoung, because in some way this gave him a sense of purpose and a renewed outlook on his job offer at the police department, but in the back of his mind he also knew he would have to fight the police department’s psychologist on this subject. 

At the end of the long hallway that he had been directed to by a nice female officer, he saw the glass door that read ‘Seoul Division Chief Kang’. It looked familiar, but he couldn’t remember the last time he had been there. The police department was a place he had been before, but he had never worked within the building itself.

With a short rap on the door, Wooyoung waited for an answer.

“Yeah, come on in,” he heard the muffled voice say on the other side of the glass.

Wooyoung grabbed the door handle and opened the door. He was greeted by a strong scent of coffee and the sight of a quite spacious office with on each side rows and rows of folder cabinets. In the back of the room he immediately noticed the desk where the chief his secretary was working. In the middle of the room there was a big desk with a computer on top of it. Behind it sat chief Kang who greeted him by peering at him from over his large rimmed glasses.

“Ah, yes, officer Jung Wooyoung, nice to finally see you in the department,” he stood up from behind his desk as Wooyoung closed the door. Wooyoung turned around immediately to greet him with two bows before shaking the hand of chief Kang that was already reached out to him.

“Chief Kang, thank you for receiving me today,” Wooyoung said.

“Yes, yes, sit down, Wooyoung,” the chief gestured to the two fauteuils that were in front of his desk, meant for when people came to visit him. “Is it alright if I call you Wooyoung?” the chief waited for his reaction, before continuing after Wooyoung nodded, “I hope you’re excited to be back at the job and of course – here at the police department, at your new position.”

Wooyoung went to sit down carefully, taking his time to stretch out his bad leg to relieve it from any pressure. “I’m beyond excited to have been offered this new position. I want to thank you formally for giving me this opportunity, chief Kang.”

The chief went to sit down and flashed a bright smile, but Wooyoung had noticed his wandering eyes, eyeing at his leg. “Ah, but officer Jung, or Wooyoung, this is our way of showing you our thanks, for what you have done for our department and the country. We are all delighted to work with you on a closer level,” Wooyoung noticed the sincerity in his speech, and his softer voice and his posture that was completely turned towards him. It felt like chief Kang actually meant it. “Do you want some coffee, Wooyoung?”

“Yes, thank you,” Wooyoung answered.

Chief Kang turned to his secretary who was in the corner behind her desk. “Jiyeon, do you mind getting some coffee for us – do you want milk or sugar in it?” Wooyoung told him he had his coffee black and he saw Jiyeon nod and stand up from behind her desk to leave the room.

“So I want to get to know you a bit better today, Wooyoung, have an idea of where we’re at right now and to give you some information regarding your new position. We all know it is going to take some time, right?”

Wooyoung nodded. He scanned the chief his body language and he noticed him smiling a lot at him. “They have told me you know, your doctors and physicians, that you have been very eager to return,” the chief said with a careful smile.

Wooyoung was unsure how to respond. He did know his medical team was communicating with the department, but this was kind of awkward. He sat up and bend a bit forward, fidgeting his hands. He nodded. “Yeah. Yeah that’s true.”

The chief his bright smile returned. “That’s good, that’s good! I mean, I have heard stories about you, but all I can say about your determinant nature is that that is exactly what we are looking for here in the police department. Am I being too blunt when I say, welcome home?”

He did not expect to hear that. But he couldn’t deny that those words were more than fitting for him. “Not at all, chief Kang. It sure feels like coming home, so thank you chief Kang,” Wooyoung uttered.

Jiyeon entered the room again with a tray in her hand. She placed it in front of them on the small coffee table. “Thank you, Jiyeon,” chief Kang said, leaning forward to grab his coffee. He was an eager man. “Would you be so kind to leave us for a minute?”

“Of course, chief Kang,” Jiyeon said and she bowed to them both. Then she left the room.

“So how are you doing these days? How’s the leg and uh-“ he jerked a bit with his shoulder, “the plate in your shoulder and everything? I mean, how many weeks has it been since the attack?” Chief Kang asked, sipping from his hot coffee and pulling a face because the content was still too hot.

It had been four months. Or eighteen weeks, as the chief had asked so directly. Talking about it had become quite normal, since there were doctors, attorneys and police officers constantly asking him about it. It was a blessing that they had decided to keep the reporters away. His injuries were almost common knowledge – as he had feared – and he was hoping chief Kang knew about it because he was his new employer and he had entrusted him this information to secure a safe working environment for him. There was a small hope in Wooyoung that the rest of the department might still be in the dark about his injuries.

“I think it has been about eighteen weeks, something like that. The leg is ok, the arm and especially the shoulder part where they have placed a pin and a metal plate,” Wooyoung brushed over his shoulder, “it had some complications after the second surgery. It was infected and the nerves around it have suffered some damage.”

Chief Kang took on a serious look. “Yes I have heard. I have read your file,” the chief stood up to grab something from his desk, which turned out to be a big file, and he placed it on his lap. “God it sounds awful.”

“I… I was shot right in the joint of the shoulder, the ball that connects to the collarbone, which is encapsulated by a thick mass of muscle. The bone was shattered and the surgery could only fix so much. While I was out they had performed surgery on me to put the metal pin in. Later on, because the physiotherapy had not been a success since I couldn’t move my arm without screaming in pain, they had to do a revision surgery. They had already warned me there could be complications. So that was when it became infected and my shoulder was swollen for like two weeks.”

“I’ve heard the physiotherapist say that after the revision surgery you have been able to move your arm again, is that right?” chief Kang asked, his brows slightly furrowed.

Wooyoung swallowed. “Yes I… I can move it. It’s just eh… I am hard at work with the physiotherapist to regain full movement.”

The chief nodded and went to browse through the file on his lap. “You have had to do some initial testimonies while you were still in the hospital is that correct?” he asked while he continued to go through the file.

“Uh yes, I believe officer Im Taegoon and officer Na Yunji have both done a recap of the event with me,” Wooyoung said, adjusting in his seat.

“Yes, yes, I can see here in the file,” chief Kang said, looking over a few pages in the file. “I believe you initially had some memory loss, but it has mostly come back right? How do you remember the events of the day?”

Wooyoung swallowed. Ok, so he did want him to talk about it. It was probably his way of getting more familiar with him and creating a bond of trust between them. “The day itself? Eh… I remember it quite vividly, but the time is sometimes a bit off. Some things felt longer and others shorter than they actually were. I remember getting the message, responding to it immediately and entering the building. I remember the faces of most of the people inside the building, the casualties and the ones I have taken out myself.” Wooyoung paused and eyed the chief his reaction. He was not sure how much he needed to hear from him.

“Is it a problem if we talk about it?” chief Kang cocked his head to the side. It was a question he could have expected from someone working in the force. Wooyoung knew that from here on out they were going to be talking in earnest. And they were going to be talking about Wooyoung as a pawn in a game, that had taken steps in certain directions and has fallen victim while doing so, but there would be no lingering anymore. No pity. Luckily, pity was never something he had wanted.

“Not at all,” Wooyoung said in one breath, not letting the chief catch onto the melancholy that was behind it.

“Ok, that’s good,” the chief took a sip of his coffee, before he put it down in front of him and folded his hands in front of him on top of the file that was resting in his lap. Wooyoung anticipated what was coming next.

“You know I just wanted to let you know we have a meeting planned in the coming weeks,” the chief started. “The whole attack will be discussed again from start to finish: footage, re-enactments and folders containing statements and investigative work on the casualties all included. The Seoul Squad from the Special Operations Unit, your former appointment, will be there as well and some higher-ups from our department, including me. I was hoping you could be there with us, to tell us your perspective. We can set up a testimony together beforehand to make it easier for you.”

It was the dusty place after all, the place where they did the dirty work as they liked to call it themselves, which consisted of investigating the cases, putting different teams on them and locating the criminals through meticulous paperwork. Wooyoung was used to doing the actual dirty work, in which he never actually questioned the authority of his superiors in the police department that had put him on the case, but right now he found himself exactly in that position. And he found himself in an even more interesting position, because before he could actually start his new job as investigator, he was going to be investigated himself, on his own case once again.

“A testimony?” Wooyoung asked.

“Yes, a recap of the event of the terrorist attack and your hospitalization,” the chief said. “It has been recommended to have you make the statement yourself, instead of the accounts of your colleagues and the doctors. We want to paint the whole picture.”

The events of the terrorist attack were vivid in his imagination. It had been three months since he was discharged from the hospital. And it had been four months since the attacks. What had happened initially after the attack was something Wooyoung had simply forgotten, erased from his brain like excess memory that was too overwhelming to be registered.

He had woken up after a medically induced coma, immediately faced with his Frankenstein body that was black and blue, sewn up and held together by metal braces and implants. They had asked him if he could tell them what had happened, but it was only because Seonghwa had told him beforehand that he could reply. The details only came back to him a week after like a final rush of adrenalin that he had been living on that week after waking up. 

The police had come down later to ask him whether he had shot according to protocol and they asked him how many people he had taken out. They asked him what he had seen around him and how he had been able to respond so quickly. The questions they had asked while sitting next to his hospital bed had been quite interrogative and at the time they had asked San to leave the room. It was not a pleasant experience, but he had answered the questions like it was normal to be interrogated like this while recovering from the traumatic event that left his friend in a coma and himself disabled, at that point unaware he would be able to walk again.

They had asked him about his victims in detail as well. Wooyoung remembered. Yes, he remembered how he had shot his rifle at the terrorists and watched them die as the blood pulsated out of them. The vision of a body in a puddle of blood was the first thing he saw when he closed his eyes at night before he went to sleep. What he dreamed of, what he had wet dreams about, was when he had put his gun under the man’s chin, pulled the trigger, and made his skull shatter across the room and paint his world red. Tiny pieces of brain, bone and flesh had been stuck to his chest and neck and oh- what he remembered most vividly: the man’s jaw that swung loosely from the base of his neck, the teeth white against the bloody flesh, looking like bait dangling in front of a lion’s den.

“Can I be frank with you, Wooyoung?” the chief asked, leaning forward.

“Of course, chief,” Wooyoung said while rubbing his sweaty hand over his thigh.

“After all that went down, the terrorist attack, the aftermath, the scare that it was going to happen again two weeks after,” the chief moved his hands in the air to give his speech more power, “the whole ordeal, well, there was just pure chaos in our country. Not only that, I’m sure you’ve heard of all the drama the department and the police force on a national level has had to deal with. We have all been working overtime, having to consider every single threat as a potential terrorist attack. And the investigation on the crime scene itself, it is still ongoing and we are still dealing with providing help for the victims and support for the loved ones of those who have lost people during the attack.”

Wooyoung nodded before the chief continued.

“You can understand that the government has decided to put a task on us to get this situation under control and more importantly to prevent it from happening again. So they have decided to build a Task Force for the prevention of Terrorism and for Counter-terrorism implementation. And now that is where you will come in handy,” chief Kang pointed at Wooyoung. “I want to put you in this Task Force.”

Wait – what? They were going to put him in a Task Force? Already? How was he going to do that when he didn’t even have any experience in the Police Department, let alone in investigative work!

“You’re going to be doing investigative work, in which you are going to work quite closely with your previous appointment, the SOU,” The chief continued.

Wooyoung was listening, but he was bothered, because he was not trained to do investigative work. He was not like San, who had done a Masters degree in Law and who had finished several courses on criminal psychology, making him a well-read man and knowing the ins and outs of the psychology behind criminals and criminal activity. This had been the perfect job for San, to be put in a Task Force, and realising this disheartened him. He had to speak up.

“With all due respect chief, but I have no experience in investigative work. I think it would be inappropriate to be put in a highly important Task Force without prior experience within the field… I don’t have any Masters, I am no criminal psychologist, I simply serve within the force as an officer, what I have been trained to do for years.”

“Yes, we are aware this is not your expertise, but you are trained as a policeman, have done enough file work to know the basics and besides we are going to give you time to adjust and get used to your new working environment,” the chief leaned forward. “We need some sort of expertise on the terrorist attack and that is something you clearly have from having been at the scene yourself. You have performed during that day and made a successful intervention, if it wasn’t for you there would have been more casualties from the bombs we have later found in the building that luckily did not go off.”

He wanted to disagree. It was because of Jongho, who had been able to dismantle the bombs when he reached the scene. But he felt the need to disagree even more because he did not feel like he had any expertise on terrorism at all. All he had done was empty his rifle, empty it out on his victims that were unlucky enough to stand in his way. That day it had only been him and his gun and his violence.

“Simply put, there is no one else who can do this job than you. We need you on this Task Force Wooyoung,” the chief leaned forward and touched his knee with his hand in some kind of way to assure him that this was truly what they thought. Wooyoung fell silent, unable to respond to what he deemed misplaced praise.

The chief sat back in his chair, before he continued in a lighter, more positive tone. “Your colleague had assured me that you are a hard worker and that you work in order to achieve a successful outcome and in this area, this area that is in many ways completely new for us as well, we are going to need that.”

Wooyoung swallowed. But of course San had told him that. Of course San had told him how much of a hard worker he was and how committed he was to the force. He should have known that it was probably San’s idea that he would fit into this Task Force… because it would make him feel like he was doing something that was more like his old job, working closely with the Special Operations Unit and the Seoul Squad itself, safe for doing the physical work that was required. San had done more for him than he had realized.

“There is no need to worry about not knowing all the terminologies and the proper research techniques or the old theories that have been around within criminal psychology since the day we have been an institution. What your job is going to be is that you’re going to be the expert on the team and how are you going to do that? Well that’s a long story but let’s not talk about all of that right now. I assure you however we are going to give you time to adjust, time to get familiar with the job. Yes, this job requires a lot of paperwork, a lot of reading. But it will all lead somewhere.”

Chief Kang was making movements with his hands that made it seem like it was serious business. And it probably was serious business. Wooyoung was just not used to this at all.

“The meeting is in a few weeks and leading up to that meeting I want to work on your testimony and I will be giving you all the information regarding the Task Force,” chief Kang started to get up and place his file on his desk. “There is a lot of documentation done on the crime scene that I like to go through with you. Even the National Intelligence Service is involved and we have two of them in the Task Force on government’s request. They have submitted a lot of investigative work so far, it is quite a lot to go through,” he started to walk towards one of the cabinets, which he opened to retrieve a file. “But forget about that for a second, for now I just want you to go through our policies and some other basic information that I have put in this file, to familiarize yourself with your new position and then we can start soon after with the work regarding the Task Force.”

As he handed the file to Wooyoung he said, “there is a plan in there that is part of your reintegration program. I believe you have an appointment with our in-house psychologist tomorrow to talk this through, she will also give you the necessary psychological help for situations like these, we want to make sure this is being offered to all our police personnel.”

The words went right through his one ear and out the other. Wooyoung had a hard time talking about reintegration or psychological help. Frankly, he was not open to the idea of it and this was an internal struggle he had had for as long as he could remember. Killing people, or, taking out people as they would prefer to call it, was always something that required psychological help. It was mandatory. So he would just have to consider it as a psychological test he had to pass like the ones he had to take for the army.

“Your colleague, he is truly a kind man, I was intrigued by his speech when he convinced me to give you his old job. Well anyway, you will also get his old office. Shall we go and take a look so you can get a little bit more familiar with the place?”

He would get San’s office? He gulped his coffee down, that had gotten cold, before he started to get up carefully. “That would be nice chief Kang,” he said while clutching the file.

“Great,” chief Kang said, before turning to his desk and grabbing keys from a drawer. Then he faced Wooyoung again, making it seem like he suddenly remembered something he had wanted to say, “Also, officer Jung, don’t worry about your Handgun License.. We don’t carry guns in the police department as a rule. Investigators don’t have a mandatory shooting and fitness test. We can always see in the future if it is something you can pick up again. For now it’s not something to be concerned about.”

It was truly like a kick in the shins, to be denied the power of carrying a gun and be deemed not fit enough to perform uniform work. He knew that he was not fit or capable enough to get through the tests, but being denied the possibility of taking them was a harsh reminder of just how little there was left of him that could be seen as a policeman. It was at that moment that he truly considered getting up from his chair, placing his badge on the chief’s desk and calling it a day.

Wooyoung nodded silently, before he went to follow chief Kang out of the office and into the hallway. As they walked through the hallway together, some people greeted them, their eyes hovering to Wooyoung as they passed. They went through some different corridors to pick up a key from a little office before walking down the hallway that ended at another office, where chief Kang proceeded to unlock the door.

Entering the room, the first thing he saw was the big window to his right, that let in a lot of light. There were blinds in front of it that controlled the light coming in. He noticed the bookshelves and the desk in the middle of the room, that had a newer computer on top of it than the one he had seen in chief Kang’s office. He saw the post-it notes along the sides of the screen that contained all different kinds of messages. There were some decorative touches to the room, some modern interior design, that reminded him of San’s apartment.

Chief Kang went to put the keys on the desk. “Make yourself at home, Wooyoung. As you can see, there are some post-it notes on the screen with the log-in information. In your file there will be your personal information to get logged into the system, which you can use on your phone as well with the new app.”

He lingered a bit, before Wooyoung placed the file on his new desk and decided to remove his jacket slowly and hang it up on the coat rack that took quite a lot of space as it stood next to the fauteuil in the left corner of the room. 

“Lunch is at 1. I guess I will see you there then?” chief Kang stood with his hands in his sides.

“Yes, I’m sure I will find the cafeteria,” Wooyoung said.

“Just ask the others in this part of the building. Your colleagues here are really nice people,” he smiled, before grabbing the door handle. “Oh before I forget, your colleague, Choi San, he left some of his books here, he never came to pick them up. You still see him sometimes don’t you? Anyway, maybe you can bring him his books, or at least let him know they are still here. That will be it for me now, we will talk soon again, in my office. To work on the testimony, does that sound alright?”

“Of course, chief Kang. That sounds good. I- I will get in contact with Choi San.”

Chief Kang nodded, before he closed the door and left him alone in his new office.

He sighed, before turning around and having a look around the room. So this was it. This was his new working space. This was San’s old office. He walked towards the bookshelves to take a look at all the books he had left behind.

Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment. Durkheim, On Morality and Society. Freud. The Ego and the Id. These books did not surprise Wooyoung in the slightest. He knew San was a well-read man, having seen his apartment filled with books and having talked about his time in college. He let his finger trace over the spines of the books and it landed on a title: ‘The Anatomy of Motive’. It was a book by John Douglas and Mark Olshaker, former FBI agents. Taking it from the shelf, he walked back to the desk and placed it in front of him.

The chief had asked him if he wanted to get in contact with Choi San, to bring him back his books… The question had been kind of melancholic to Wooyoung, of which the chief was certainly unaware. The thing was, he and San hadn’t spoken in a while. A while being maybe two months at this point. Wooyoung didn’t know for sure anymore, he had stopped counting. It would have been less sorrowful if it was something that they had both wanted, but instead it had actually been Wooyoung who had told him that they should take a little break, before they could pick things up again.

You see, Wooyoung had been a mess. He had been a bag of bones that was unable to stand up on his own, unable to go to the bathroom alone and wipe his own ass, hell, he even needed someone to feed him in the first week. Wooyoung was not a person when he came out of that coma, his body black and blue from top to bottom and held together by pins and metal plates. All he was, was a sad little plant that could show emotions at every wrong time during the day.

San was there for him, oh how he was there for him. But it pained him, it pained him so much to see his face, which every day seemed to turn darker, emptier and sadder. The hollowness of his eyes and his lips that were chapped from biting down on them so much and his voice that was the same soft, compliant voice every single day – Wooyoung couldn’t bear it. He just couldn’t. In San he saw himself reflected, he saw the pitiful thing that he was. People would look at Wooyoung and think: Why had they taken the effort to fix him up when he is clearly broken beyond repair?

But there was love between him and San and Wooyoung could feel it. It was clearly there from the start and they couldn’t help themselves but to show it. He had pushed himself when he asked San to come lie next to him on the hospitalbed and to touch him a little while he touched him. He wanted him so bad, he wanted him closer than was possible at the time and it resulted in him having an internal bleeding in his chest, which made his heart beat too fast, which made the nurses come check on him and they had to find him and San entangled, where his hand was down San’s pants and the nurses shouted at San for being a sick individual for using a patient like that.

Wooyoung never blamed him. He had only blamed himself. He had blamed himself for wanting him too bad which resulted in having to watch how San was sitting at least a meter away from his bed, with his hands folded in his lap and his lips trembling every time he spoke, his words so carefully selected so as not to offend the nurse that was constantly hovering around the room.

At some point he couldn’t bear to see San’s face anymore, every time he came into his assigned room, seeing the dread on his face before this heartfelt smile appeared on his face as their eyes met. He knew San wasn’t sleeping anymore. He knew that for him it was just as difficult to deal with everything that had happened. For San the consequences had been different, he had given up his job and was seeking a new job while also looking for a new apartment, because he knew his pay was going to be substantially lowered. He was in over his head and Wooyoung knew he was blaming himself for what had happened to Wooyoung, even though he tried to convince him every single day that it wasn’t his fault. But the guilt was something that was never going to disappear. This truth haunted Wooyoung. They would not be able to help one another with that and their conflicted love for each other, their lustful love that had become more intense than he had imagined – he knew he had to step away from it. There was no other option, but to tell San to go away.

He asked him to call him once he had a new job and had figured out a new place to live. Wooyoung had seen the tears in his eyes, but more importantly the relieve behind them, the sudden ability to breathe again. San told him he didn’t want to leave, that he needed to be there for him and that he didn’t care that he didn’t sleep. Wooyoung told him that he had to take care of himself now, that that was the only way they would be able to be together again in the future. There were tons of other people helping him, people from the police department and from the Seoul Squad, Mingi visited him and Seonghwa was there often. San knew Wooyoung was right, and that this was the only option for the time being.

He pretended that he was going to visit him again soon and that it was going to be ok, but after that conversation San didn’t come by anymore. Even though it hurt Wooyoung tremendously, even though he cried sometimes in the middle of the night and couldn’t fall asleep, he was glad. Because nothing pained him more than to see that aggravated look on San’s face that told him: was this my fault? Did I do this to him?

So it had been awhile since he had seen San. Coming into his office, sitting in his chair, it was kind of surreal. Like it was not supposed to be this way, but here he was after all. He brought his hand to his pocket, where he felt the relief of a metal plate. He retrieved the badge from his pocket, which had been San’s badge that he had given to him in his sickbed as a token of his love. Wooyoung carried it around with him wherever he went. In some way, it made him feel closer to him. His thumb traced over the relief of the golden plate.

San wasn’t here. And he hadn’t seen him in a while. He was not sure if he was going to see him again in the near future either. But San was in his heart, always.

He opened the drawer and put San’s badge under some papers.

His colleague, Shin Nayeon, who had an office next to his, was the sweetest woman he had ever met. During his first few weeks she had been there for him a lot, coming to his rescue every time he was unsure of what to do during a certain task. She was the guidance he had hoped for, but never expected to actually get. It made the reintegration into his job as investigator not as dreadful as he had expected.

They had lunch together and a few other colleagues almost every day. Today was no exception. She told him about a lot of their previous cases they had taken on in the last few years, telling him that it helped her relax and not worry about her current case so much. Wooyoung loved hearing about it, something that he hadn’t quite expected. Criminals had always just been criminals to him, not human beings who were at the wrong place at the wrong time. Somehow Nayeon managed to see this side of every story, the human part in each of the criminals she investigated, which intrigued Wooyoung immensely. He was not sure whether he believed in all her theories, but he was convinced of her strife to find this out. Luckily she never brought up his case, or the terrorists in general that he helped the government to kill. Maybe he was afraid of finding out her theories about them and what might make them human.

Today she did however speak about his case for the first time. But she didn’t treat it like it was his case.

“Are you prepared for next week’s meeting with the government officials?”

Wooyoung raised his brows. “Am I prepared? I don’t know, can one really prepare for such a thing?”

He wanted her to answer the question for him.

Nayeon took a sip of her tea. “I don’t think you can really prepare for it, but not preparing for it at all would be a mistake.”

Wooyoung laughed. He loved how she could both be honest and kind at the same time. “If you are asking if I read all the papers and investigative work the National Intelligence Service has done, then yes, I have been preparing for the meeting.”

“If you need help with anything, I am just one door away,” Nayeon said, smiling.

He wanted to take her up on her offer, but when it came down to preparing for the meeting, there were only two things that he hadn’t finished yet. He needed to finish writing up his statement, or his testimony, that he and chief Kang had been working on together. His statement was done, he only had to turn it into an official paper. The other thing was the footage. He had not looked at any videos or images of the event of the terrorist attack. Both things were things he preferred to do on his own.

Looking at the footage was something he had delayed on purpose. He didn’t want to admit it to himself, but he was scared to look at it. It wasn’t that he was afraid of how explicit the images would be, but he was scared that the images weren’t going to be like he remembered them to be. However, the fact that Nayeon asked him if he was prepared made him realize that this was something he could no longer delay.

As they finished up lunch and left the canteen to go back to their office, Wooyoung felt his hands becoming sweaty. It was not something that happened to him often, but he had noticed that he would sometimes become sweaty all of a sudden, or his hands started shaking and his heart would beat faster. It was during these times that he could suddenly remember the attack, for instance when chief Kang had asked him after a certain detail or when he was trying to sleep on a Saturday night and his mind just wouldn’t turn off even though it was already 3 A.M.

Chief Kang had suggested to look at the images together, but Wooyoung had ensured him that this was something he needed to do on his own.

Entering his office, he went to sit behind his desk quickly and turned on his computer. The nervous feeling he had gotten was something that he wanted to get rid of as soon as possible. The file with all the information that they were going to discuss at the meeting was on his desktop. It contained all the investigative work of the National Intelligence Service, the different testimonies and all the footage. He had yet to take a look at the footage.

His mouse hovered over the album with images. He wanted to see them and he didn’t want to see them at all, both at the same time. His heart was in his throat, he could hear it beating inside of his head. Fuck it, he thought. He double-clicked on the album and on the screen a series of pictures and videos appeared. Wooyoung swallowed.

The sensory overload of colourful images made him hesitate where to click first. From the small images he could already tell what they were: the camera footage from the building, the crime scene photographs, the autopsies. Unsure where to begin, he clicked on a series of autopsy pictures.

As the picture enlarged, he saw that it was his beautiful victim. His beautiful toy that he had taunted with his gun, the man who had tried to push the barrel away with slippery, bloody hands. It was surprising that he could recognise him, since they had sewn up his head that he had blown to shreds. How? How were they able to sew up all these little pieces to construct this monstrosity? From top to bottom and from left to right as well as along his jawline, there were harsh, red bloody lines where the skin had been pushed together and sewn back together with thread and needle. They had even tried to reconstruct his nose, but there was not a lot left to reconstruct with, so it appeared more like a gaping hole. They had even taken the effort to insert glass eyes into his sockets.

He clicked next. An image appeared that was similar, unsettlingly similar. It was the same man. It was the way he remembered him, his face blown to shreds, a bloody mess of brains and the end of his spine sticking out, and that jaw hanging on for dear life to the rest of the poor man’s body. Wooyoung shifted, leaned in closer, and maximized the picture. It was crass to look at the man on the autopsy table like this, but Wooyoung felt like that was exactly where he belonged. He felt confident seeing the result of his endeavours, displayed on the autopsy table like that. His naked, hairy chest almost unaffected, but his face that had completely disappeared: as if to strip him from his identity, to take away his humanity. It felt reasonable. It felt good.

Wooyoung wiped his hand over his mouth. He clicked to the next picture and the next. When he clicked on the crime scene pictures was the moment when it became interesting for Wooyoung. It felt almost exciting, to see what had happened after he went out. A lot had happened, that he knew, but seeing it on the pictures was interesting. He didn’t like seeing some women and children dead, but he was interested. He didn’t linger however, not on those pictures, not on those videoclips.

It was when he saw the video of Yeosang, that he felt himself shaking like a leaf on a tree. He noticed how he felt a big lump in his throat, that he couldn’t seem to swallow. He wanted to look away and yet he couldn’t. Watching the shot being fired, Wooyoung felt an anger rising in his chest that burned so greatly that he wanted to smash his keyboard and punch the screen from his desk. He contained himself however, because he didn’t want his colleagues to come in and see him like this.

Going back to the series of autopsy pictures, Wooyoung tried to contain himself. He was going to look at everything today, he had told himself, that way it was going to be over faster. He didn’t anticipate the density of the footage however and he found himself gazing at his screen for hours, pausing the videos at every little moment so he could zoom in and look at every little detail and analyse the pictures of his victims to see how badly he had fucked them up.

Clicking the x at the top of the file finally ended the showcasing of the carefully gathered horrendously candid pictures of the attack.

Adjusting in his seat, which allowed blood to flow to his leg that had become stiff from sitting too long in the same position, he felt the obvious presence in his pants. He couldn’t believe himself. His cock had gotten hard, creating a contour against the blue suit pants of his police uniform.

He looked around him, the room as empty as before. Peering through the window that looked out onto a park assured him that there were no people passing by. He sighed, before he brought his hand to his belt to unbuckle it, and he slipped a hand under his boxers to grab his manhood and adjust it in such a way that it was lying more against his belly and not so much creating a contour against the blue fabric of his pants.

He needed to take a walk. This was going to pass sooner than he would think, he knew that. It would be a lie if he said that this had not happened before. But it did happen, more times than he would like to admit. In fact, he had never mentioned it to anyone before, the way these types of images would turn him on. It would be kind of weird to tell someone about it anyway, because it would be like telling them what he would type in the search bar on his favourite porn sites. He wouldn’t even tell someone about his favourite porn sites. Maybe that was something that came with the job, since the sites they frequented in their free time would be considered as committing a crime by their daytime jobs.

But it felt so much different this time, Wooyoung thought as he fastened his belt again. His heart was beating faster and he genuinely felt the rush that he would feel when he was about to have sex. His sweaty palms and forehead were something new though, a physical reaction he had felt since the event of the terrorist attack and during the subsequent events and retellings like that of his testimony. It was hard to describe how he felt or what was going through his mind when these physical responses started to appear. It was not painful or nauseating, but it didn’t exactly feel comfortable either. To get rid of it, taking a walk or drinking more coffee had seemed to be the answer for the last three months. He wasn’t really dealing with it, but rather avoided it instead.

He stood up from his desk and felt his front to make sure it was still positioned right. Standing up actually made him feel slightly lightheaded and he leaned down on his bureau, holding himself up with his fingertips. Gosh, he probably needed a walk in the fresh air outside and a big mug of black coffee to make this one pass.

Walking past his colleagues’ offices, he noticed that most of them had already went home. At the end of the hallway he saw the stale light coming from his chief’s office. So he was still working, Wooyoung thought. Walking past it, his heart skipped a beat. He had to swallow a huge lump in his throat from what he had just seen. Did he see who he think he saw? Snapping his head back, without stopping in his tracks, he caught the last bit of black fluffy hair from the corner of his eye as he walked to the little canteen of the police department.

San was here. His love, his one and only, his eternal lover. The one that gave his life’s purpose up for him, just him. The boy he had held in his arms once in the army and the man he had lied with in feverish entanglement and killed with during sleepless nights. Had he finally come to see him? After two months of painful separation?

Entering the canteen, he didn’t really see anything, his vision becoming blurry and his heart pounding out of his chest. Breathe, he told himself, as he grabbed the post of the door with both his hands. It couldn’t really be him, could it? They had agreed that he would come and see him when he would be settled in his new home and had found a new job. He would then leave him a message or call him so he could come and see him. Why would he come and see him now? And why here?

Wooyoung pushed his hair back. Maybe he had mistaken him for someone else, he thought as he walked to the little kitchenette to find a coffee mug in the cabinet. Maybe it was a new colleague that he hadn’t seen before and had come to introduce himself to the chief. He pushed his coffee mug under the coffee machine, the metal making a rattling sound as he placed the mug under the dispenser with an unsteady hand. But he knew he was fooling himself. He knew who he had seen and it could be no one other than him. 

While the coffee dripped into his mug, he breathed a sigh of relief. He had come to see him. Finally. Their agreement had been necessary, but he would be fooling everyone and himself if it hadn’t left him sleepless and awake at night. Craving his touch, looking upon his sorrowful face, hearing his voice whisper things into his ear and his cock deep, deep inside of him so as to fuse pleasure with pain. He had missed it and most of all he had feared the return of it would never come again. Was he finally returning to him after all?

He took the mug from under the coffee machine, taking care not to burn himself with the hot liquid as he tried to stabilize his shaking hand. It wouldn’t hurt to check if it was really him, Wooyoung thought as he walked in a slight haste through the hallway past his chief’s office.

It was him. He might have disguised himself in his padded jacket and winter gear, but oh, how that wonderful bush of slick black hair was his. His mind wandered where it naturally went: his fingers running through his hair before it ended at the nape of his neck, where he carefully tucked on it. San would bite his lip, breathe through his teeth and look down at him with a sultry, demanding look from his nearly closed eyes.

Right, right, Wooyoung thought, snapping himself out of it. He was supposed to be on a mission to take care of something, the ingredients of that being a fair amount of hot black coffee and the fresh air outside.

Wooyoung walked further through the hallway all the way to the back door, where the cold air instantly greeted him as he swung the door open wide. He breathed in the air and without holding back he laughed. There were two chairs by the side of the door, used primarily by the smokers in the building, but which he now took the liberty of using as his coffee table and seat.

It was funny, he thought, as he breathed in the air deeply yet again, how much this boy was able to change his mood. Before he even noticed what reaction he had had on him, he saw the physical effect it had. Looking down, there was a wet spot near the zipper of his uniform pants. He felt that his erection was half gone, still slightly hard as it pushed against the fabric of his pants. It was precum, released during the little rush he had felt as he had gazed upon San’s head of hair.

It was not exactly what he wanted to deal with right now, but boy was it a welcome release. He could actually enjoy his coffee now and sit back. Sit back and enjoy the cold fresh weather while he nervously waited in anticipation of him. What surprised Wooyoung the most however, was that the shame and discomfort he had felt earlier had completely disappeared. How could San have that power over him?

He chugged the coffee, maybe a bit too enthusiastically, because the liquid slightly burned his throat. He walked back into the building, the warmth encompassing his body and making his cheeks flush red. He could hear his voice before he saw him, something that he had not expected, making his insides churn from excitement. Turning the corner, he saw him standing there in conversation with his chief. What they were talking about was rather trivial, small talk, but the words were not registering in his ears. Because as he lifted his eyes up to look in their direction, he met San’s eyes.

“Ah, Wooyoung,” his chief noticed him and held up his hand to wave at him. He was taken off guard by his chief’s sudden calling of his name. He turned around to address him, bowed once and San copied him instantly, he could see that from the corner of his eye and the way his padded coat made a swishing sound.

“Jung Wooyoung has been doing well adjusting here. You guys have worked closely together, right?”

“Yes, yes, correct. Very closely,” he heard San say as Wooyoung straightened his back again to be able to look at the pair.

“He is in your old office now. You should go to him later, you probably have a lot to catch up on,” his chief’s words nearly didn’t register with him, since looking at San made his brain focus on every little part that was him, standing there in his grandeur.

A suit. A black fitted pants with a white shirt and black tie. A belt that accentuated his slender figure and cinched in his tiny waist. The padded coat that nearly hid every detail of his outfit, but that had already been imprinted on his brain in the instant he had taken a look upon him.

“Oh yes we have. And I most certainly will,” San said in a deep voice. A quick look at his face, a face that could look so cold yet hot with desire, told Wooyoung that he had been scanning him as well and that he needed to take his leave now before the chief would notice the way San was staring at him.

Wooyoung smiled at his chief. He bowed again and took his leave, his coffee mug grasped tightly between his hands. He pushed the mug against his belly, in a failed attempt to suppress the warmth he felt deep in his underbelly. How could a man, devoid of any title or position of power, still have that fierce attitude upon him? There had been nothing in his stance that spoke of insecurity or unsurety and despite being covered up like that, he had noticed the way his hands looked that were grasping onto his gloves for dear life.

Walking into his office the image was still burned into his mind: the white knuckles that were covered in purple and blue spots, while the fingertips were nearly black and his cuticles were reduced to thin red lines. He scoffed, surprised by San’s audacity to speak with his former boss like that, without wearing his gloves which clearly showed the bruteness and unprofessionalism of his current being. Where was his shame, his remorse, for the events that had taken place and made him the way he was right now?

He felt a rush through his body, as he realized what made San act this way. He felt no shame or remorse, because in his eyes there was no shame in loving him and sacrificing his former job for him. He had no problem showing people what he had reduced himself to, to a life of a simple man with a commoners job, even if he probably didn’t see it as a reduction like Wooyoung did. By proudly showing the hands of a low-wage worker to his former boss, he had assured him that his love was real for him and very physical at that. Knowing this, witnessing it with his own eyes, gave Wooyoung the feeling that he loved him even more than he already thought he did.

He walked back into his office, taking care to leave the door open, in a way to show that San was welcome to enter at any time, but also to be able to watch him as he wrapped up his talk with the chief in the hallway. The office looked out onto the hallway and since his desk was aligned with the door opening, he placed the mug on his desk and leaned back against the wooden top.

He waited, patiently, his arms crossed in front of his chest, as he looked to San and watched his every move while talking to the chief. Now and then he looked at him from the corner of his eye, quick and swift so as not to let the chief notice. Soon enough he noticed however and he could hear the chief say, “Go and have a look in your old office. I’m sure you and Wooyoung would like to have a chat with just the two of you. Thank you for today and can I call you if there is need for you?”

San nodded his head. “Of course, I was glad I could be of help,” he bowed and he shook the hand of chief Kang. He started walking backwards until he turned around and stared into Wooyoung’s eyes. Wooyoung took a deep breath as he sat up and watched San walking towards him. 

“Hello Wooyoung,” San addressed him, entering the room with a presence that was unlike any other.

“Hi,” Wooyoung said, looking up at him, waiting for him to do the talking.

San stepped forward, came closer to him, much closer than he had expected. The presence of his body so near to him made him breathe in through his nose in long breathes, and the smell of him entered him sooner than he had been prepared for.

Two months, it had been two months to look upon his beautiful yet strong face, to see the well-built man that he was yet at the same time so sculptured and petite. Two months since he had smelled his smell that instantly made his body relax under the familiarity of it and the promise of comfort and intimacy. Without realising it, he had leaned back against the desk, placing his hands behind him while his legs were spread wider than before and in a more leisurely attitude than before. But he noticed he had done so when San’s mouth opened slightly, his lower lip giving way to expose his teeth, and his eyes started to study his body from head to toe. When their eyes met his mouth closed and he saw his Adam’s apple bopping up and down as he swallowed.

When he was almost certain he was going to touch him, to either hug him or kiss him, San tossed his gloves onto the desk behind him.

“I was supposed to give you a call or text you,” San said. He turned around, breaking the eye-contact as he walked towards the bookshelves in the opposite corner of the room.

“The chief called me and he asked me to come over for a talk instead of on the phone,” San continued. Wooyoung listened as he leaned back forward again. “I have no duties here anymore, only that of a normal civilian. I’ve been told they are having a meeting with you next week, on the events of the terrorist attack and what they can take away for future threats,” San turned towards him.

He was surprised by the way San was talking to him. Why was he being so formal? Was it because the door was still open? “So the chief wanted to talk about what your part had been during the terrorist attack?”

“Yeah,” San said while nodding.

Wooyoung cleared his throat. “So you’re here by chance. I mean, you’re here to speak to the chief, but you’re in this office to see me by chance.” He wasn’t entirely sure what he was saying.

“No,” San said. “No, I came to speak with the chief. I didn’t know you would be here.”

“So you didn’t come here to see me?” Wooyoung said with a small voice, looking up at San from underneath his eyelashes. 

San shook his head and walked to the door, which he closed before checking the hallway.

“No, no, Wooyoung. I came to see you. I came here just in the hope I could see you.” He walked towards him, his hands sooner on his thighs than he could see them, and his forehead pressing up against his. He breathed heavily and his left thumb massaged into his thigh in an endearing way. San leaned his head back and looked at him with a grin on his face.

“You’re leaking in your pants,” he said, eyeing his police pants that still had a wet spot near his crotch. He knew San was thinking this was his doing, and partly it was. He couldn’t imagine telling him however, what had turned him on so much, before he had even known of his presence in the building. He felt San holding onto his thighs with a stronger grip, before he leaned his body in between them, pressing himself up against his crotch and making his head spin.

Wooyoung leaned back against his desk in a relaxing manner, even though his heart was racing in his chest. He had longed for San for so long, that the close proximity of him made him comply to every move he was willing to make on him. He acted like a cat in heat, displaying his body fully for San to see so as if to say, look at me, I’m right here, ready for you to take me.

“I have missed you so much,” Wooyoung croaked, his hand grasping onto San’s left hand that was still circling his thigh with his thumb and making him involuntarily hornier. He wanted to lean forward, to catch his lips in a sloppy, wet kiss, but he felt his body trembling and did not know how to make the correct movements to do so. He had been deprived of his touch for so long, that it all became too overwhelming. “Have you missed me?”

San looked down at his pants, his eyes lingering on the wet spot of precum, and on the contour of his now hard cock. “More than you know,” he said as he looked up at him. “I have never thought I was capable of abstinence to such an extent,” his hand on his thigh moved up roughly, squeezing ever so tighter and digging his nails in his thigh, making Wooyoung arch his back in response, “but looking at you now, like this, it was all worth it.”

Wooyoung looked up at him in surprise, scanning his eyes to find any sign of betrayal in his words, but he could not find any. “You’ve remained abstinent?” He was surprised to hear he had. He knew himself how difficult it was, after all those weeks not being doped up on morphine, that the urge to relieve himself was just too much. He remembered the first time after the attack and his hospitalization, that he had tried to relieve himself. He had cried from the pain in his shoulder from his dominant arm with which he was used to jerk himself off with. He had leaned over the bathroom sink, his hand pumping his dick while his other hand was trying to support his shoulder. He had moaned from the pain and he had only been able to come because his body had been so deprived. But as the weeks had gone on, he missed the close contact with San so much, and he was so touch deprived after weeks of lying in bed, that the slightest touch from anyone made him react like it was something sexual and he had to hold himself back so as not to respond to it. The soft pats on his knee that his colleagues would give him, especially Seonghwa who had come to visit him more often, made him feel a certain type of way that he was too ashamed to admit. Knowing this, he really wondered how San would be able to do that. After all that happened in the past, had he really meant it that he was going to commit?

“I told you, you are my only one. It will remain that way until the day you tell me stop,” San said. He grinned as he saw that Wooyoung’s jaw had dropped. “Yes, Wooyoung, that’s the power you have over me.”

“I… I wouldn’t have been mad – I mean, I have been dying to get fucked in the ass… how did you… how did you manage to…” Wooyoung’s mouth was now hanging open involuntarily, the heat he felt through San’s pants passing through him, where he could clearly feel his dick starting to get hard, it all became too much. He wanted him so bad. San put a finger onto his lips.

“Sssh Wooyoung. Don’t say that,” San whispered, leaning forward, his eyebrows slightly frowned. “Don’t talk to me like that, it makes me incredibly hard.” His hand had found its way around his neck, his thumb tracing over his jawline, and the words were wet against his ears.

Without having control over it, Wooyoung moaned softly. San moved back and tilted his head backwards to breathe in through his nose. He shook his head with his eyes closed in an attempt to contain himself.

“I have to pick up the papers from the chief his office. He’s waiting for me Wooyoung.”

Wooyoung’s heart dropped. For a second he really thought he was going to fuck him right then and there, but he saw in his eyes that he was holding back and that it wasn’t going to happen today. Wooyoung’s shoulders dropped in defeat.

San’s grip on his thigh loosened. He saw him looking around him and then he looked through the window, as if he was checking if someone could see them. Then his eyes were on his again.

Wooyoung’s breath hitched when he suddenly felt how San was unzipping Wooyoung’s pants and he sat up nervously. He saw that San brought his hand to his mouth, and while staring at Wooyoung he licked his palm all the way up to his fingertips. Wooyoung looked at his gesture mesmerized, noticing the slight tremble in his hand and the red bruises on each of his knuckles. 

“Actually, I have to do this before I go.”

That was when San spit into his hand and brought it down to slit it underneath his boxers. Instantly, Wooyoung felt the slick wetness of San’s rough hand cover his cock. The skin on skin touch shocked him and he hunched over San’s shoulder while covering his mouth to conceal a moan that sounded more like a squeal. He heard San grin in his ear as he gripped onto his cock and starting circling his head with his thumb.

“Holy shit San – ” that was when San pulled his hand back and it disappeared from his pants. San made him sit back, pulling his arm from around his shoulder, to look up in his eyes. Slowly, he saw how San put his hand in his mouth.

“I just had to have a taste,” San said as he licked his index and middle finger.

Wooyoung looked at San in awe. Did he just… lick his precum off of his wet fingers right in front of him? He grabbed his wrist, trying to stop him from doing what he was doing. San looked at him in surprise, his fingers still on his tongue, before he showed a devilish smile. It was then that he realized that San was teasing him. He was dumb-struck.

“You think you can just do that to me and then call it a day?” Wooyoung scoffed.

“That’s exactly what I think,” San said as he kept staring into Wooyoung’s eyes.

For a moment Wooyoung was unsure what to do. The way San had touched him just now had turned him on more than he liked to admit. He wanted his hand back there, that’s how much he craved his touch. Slowly, by pulling on his wrist, he tried to bring his hand back on his throbbing cock. Instead, San put his hand back on his thigh and started massaging it roughly.

“I don’t think it’s wise to continue doing that now,” San said, ignoring the way Wooyoung writhed under his touch and was still trying to redirect his hand.

“Why not?” Wooyoung said, his hand travelling over his forearm, before he decided to grab San by his waist to pull him closer, his hand travelling immediately down to his buttocks.

San gasped. “Why not? Because you’re too eager,” he whispered while grinning. He pulled him closer to put his mouth to his ear, “You’ll be whining so loudly that the whole department will have to come and check on us.”

Wooyoung pushed him back. “Don’t pretend I’d be the only one who is going to whine,” Wooyoung said, before he put his hand on San’s crotch and felt the hardness of his cock. He squeezed a little, teasing him as he had teased him just now. A low groan escaped San’s mouth and Wooyoung laughed. “See? If you’ve really been abstinent then you’re dying to have a little cock warming session with me now.”

“Cock warming? I’ve never heard those words leave your mouth before, you dirty little whore.”

Hearing San cussing was like music to his ears. “Boohoo, fuck me already San, I can’t bear it any longer,” Wooyoung tugged a little on his pants, trying to find the button and his zipper.

“No, Wooyoung, don’t,” San pushed his hand away, but he wasn’t pushing it. Wooyoung knew he had turned him on with his words. They were desperate for each other, there was no purpose in denying it. Still, San started to step back.

“I’ll make it up to you ok, this time, I am going to call you,” San said as he adjusted his pants and his jacket as well.

Wooyoung slumped over, defeated. It made sense that San wasn’t going to fuck him here right now, but every part of his body was telling him otherwise. There was even a moment where he thought that the whole department finding out about them wasn’t as bad if he could get a good shag out of it. Desperation gained a whole different meaning when it came to Jung Wooyoung.

“Why didn’t you call me today?” Wooyoung asked. He didn’t mean to ask it, but he was lying if that wasn’t the question that had been on his mind since the moment he saw him.

“I don’t know, I…” San hesitated. He looked at his hand, at the little wounds that were on his knuckles, before he pushed it through his hair. Why was he hesitating? Was the answer not going to be an answer he liked? “I wasn’t sure if the timing was right. If it was going to be ok, you know… for me to see you again.”

Wooyoung felt a lump form in his throat and a certain nervousness overcame him. Had he… Had Wooyoung pushed him away?

“Were you scared of seeing me? Or scared of what I would say?”

“No, no. Not that. I was just afraid, maybe, that you were not going to know your own boundaries yet. I mean…” San started looking him up and down. It was then that Wooyoung realized where the nervousness came from he had felt just now. The fear that San still saw him as a broken doll.

“I’ve missed you so much, Wooyoung. Sometimes I couldn’t even bear it. But I wanted to wait as long as possible. I just knew that the moment I was going to see you I would not be able to contain myself…” San laughed, but there was a sadness behind it. “I am actually quite proud of myself that I’ve contained myself in some sense. Well except for pushing my hand down your pants.”

“You know I would let you touch me always, you’re my man San,” it sounded weak, it sounded desperate, yet again.

“I… I know that,” San said, fidgeting with his hands while looking at the ground. “That’s what I’m afraid of Wooyoung, I don’t want to hurt you, but I want to be with you too.” His eyes lifted up to look him in his eyes.

He wanted to tell San that he would let him hurt him, that he wanted him to hurt him. The pain was there regardless, if he wanted anyone to inflict the pain on him it better be Choi San. He knew that San would never except those words however.

“Why would you be afraid of that San? Didn’t you manage to take most of my pain away by giving me this opportunity?” Wooyoung looked around the room and San followed his eyes. A small smile appeared on his face. “Why did you decide to come today? Was it to check up on me?”

“Actually… it was. I wanted to test the waters. To see… how you were doing, with my own eyes. Are you mad at me?” San stepped a bit closer and he tried to hold his hand by tracing his fingers over his hand.

“I am livid. I can’t believe you decided on your own to come see me,” Wooyoung said.

They were silent for a bit before they both cracked a laugh.

“Do you think you are ready for us to see each other again?” San asked, now holding his hand. “Is it ok for us to have sex again?”

Wooyoung breathed a sigh of relieve. “We can try it. I want to try it.”

“Has the doctor said anything about physical activity? I really don’t want to hurt you Wooyoung.”

“I can call my doctor and ask him if its ok to have sex with my former commander -”

“You won’t do that.”

“No, I can pick up low physical activities again. We can make it work,” Wooyoung didn’t want to tell him that he had to be careful with him. He wanted San exactly how he was: rough, impatient and sometimes violent. It was going to take a toll on his body, but right now he definitely didn’t care about that. He wanted San like he had never wanted anyone else.

“I promise you I will call you, so we can finish what we started here.”

“I promise -”

“Promise to give me that cock warming session you talked about.”

“Everything for my man.”

Wooyoung looked around a room full of faces – some of them he knew, others he saw for the first time. They all had their eyes glued on him. He had just finished his speech, in which he had given his testimony of the events of the terrorist attack. He looked for a familiar face, and his eyes landed on Seonghwa sitting in the left corner of the conference room. In front of him was a small name plate that read Park Seonghwa, Commander of the Seoul squad of the SOU. Seonghwa smiled at him and gave him a wink, which was kind of odd considering he had just done a full account of how he had murdered people. But that was what Seonghwa was like, he had always had his back no matter what situation.

“Thank you, investigator Jung Wooyoung, for giving your account of the attack,” chief Kang walked forward to join him at his side, holding a microphone in his hand. “As we all know Jung Wooyoung is here as an expert on terrorism intervention, I have asked him to come and tell his story so that we can have a discussion and learn from each other. I encourage everyone to ask their questions to Wooyoung.”

Before Wooyoung knew it, he saw a sea of hands rising up in the air. The people in the Task Force that were now considered his colleagues, all appeared to be proactive people, something he wasn’t used to in the authority driven police force. He had hoped to be able to sit down, so as to relieve his leg from constantly standing on it, but there was no sign from chief Kang that he could go sit down. He had to answer the questions from the tribune it seemed, so he held onto the little thing and put his weight on his good leg.

“Investigator Kim Wonhyung, please go ahead,” chief Kang pointed to a somewhat older man sitting on the right side of the conference table.

“Thank you, Jung Wooyoung, for telling your story to us here today. I work on the investigative team of the National Intelligence Service and I have studied the footage through and through so I am familiar with your story from an objective point of view. I was intrigued to hear your side of the story today and I do have some questions for you. How did you recognize your opponents as terrorists and how did you decide to take them out?”

Wooyoung swallowed before he answered the question. “Thank you for your question, Investigator Kim Wonhyung. I was trained to recognize criminals and people with bad intentions. I look for signs in body language and I scan their body for weapons, other than the obvious signs, in which they hold a gun to my face.”

The room laughed. Right, Wooyoung thought. He forgot how the majority of the room wasn’t used to wearing a uniform and seeing things more as matter-of-factly.

“To your other question, I do not really decide to take them out, I take them out when they need to be taken out.”

The room was silent for a bit. “I follow up orders.”

“Are you saying that there is no man behind the rifle, that you’re really just a machine, that you take out anyone if you are told to do so?”

“I follow up my commander’s orders. I am a trained soldier, sir, I do not question my authorities.”

The room fell silent again before some of them hesitantly started nodding in agreement.

“What if the man is innocent? What if you take out the wrong guy?”

“I do not take out the wrong guy, sir. If you are asking if I make a judgment before I shoot, then I would like to refer to your previous question, in which you asked how I identify the terrorist. Their body language, the weapons they carry with them seen and unseen, and their gun pointed at me to shoot.”

Chief Kang looked around the room to pick someone else to ask a question, leaving Kim Wonhyung rubbing his face as he appeared to not be satisfied with Wooyoung’s answers.

“You hesitated when you took out your last opponent,” the question came from the other investigator on the National Intelligence Service team. “How would that add up to your previous statement of not questioning your authorities?”

Wooyoung knew this question would come. He was supposed to be afraid of it, yet he wasn’t. He had seen the footage, he had seen the angles from which he had been filmed through the surveillance cameras. On them they could not see the expression he had on his face, while he taunted his victim with his gun. All it looked like was a struggle or a hesitation, before he had pulled the trigger.

“Might I say something chief Kang?” Wooyoung was shocked to see that Seonghwa started standing up to speak.

“Go ahead, Commander Park,” chief Kang said.

“At that moment, Wooyoung had already been shot in his shoulder, his aim was therefore inadequate,” Seonghwa said. “That is why it looks as if he was hesitating.”

“Is that correct Wooyoung?” chief Kang asked.

“Yes,” Wooyoung said, while nodding. His eyes met Seonghwa his eyes across the room.

The National Intelligence Service team collectively raised their eyebrows, before investigator Kim Wonhyung went to write something down. While looking at chief Kang he said, “Can we see the footage, on the screen?”

“Yes, let’s get the footage up,” chief Kang said. He gestured for Wooyoung that he could go sit down. Wooyoung was relieved and he stepped down from the little podium. He felt himself slowing down as his leg protested. He knew it looked stupid when he had to support his leg, but they all knew what had happened to him. They were collectively going to watch the footage of how he was blasted against the wall after killing his final victim. Nevertheless, he held his eyes on the ground as he walked back to his chair in shame.

They watched the footage and they talked about it, different people in the Task Force standing up to ask him more questions. Wooyoung tried to answer them to his best ability. Wooyoung knew that what he saw on the footage was not hesitation. He knew that it was something more fucked up than that. Somehow, he managed to shut his thought process down and remain calm. He made himself believe for the moment that it was hesitation he was seeing on the screen and he told the inspectors this two more times. His face conveyed no emotion.

He was glad when they went over the crime scene photographs and the autopsy files. The images were right in front of him, but he didn’t really look at them, knowing what it would do to him if he really let them sink in. Luckily, Wooyoung was able to shut himself off when needed.

At the end of the afternoon, chief Kang started talking about their next duties for the Task Force. Wooyoung was surprised to hear that he was going to work closely with the Special Operations Unit. He was told he was going to give the squads classes on terrorism intervention, together with Seonghwa and with one of the members of the National Intelligence Service. He was going to go back to his old working place in some sense, which was a strange realization.

“Thank you, everyone, for gathering here today. I believe we will be quite successful as a Task Force if we decide to work together closely,” chief Kang said as he closed off the meeting. “I will come back to everyone with an email soon, to give a recap of today’s discussions and to plan a new meeting.”

From his seat, Wooyoung could see that Seonghwa started walking towards him. “Great speech Wooyoung, spoken like a true soldier.”

“I really had that SEAL flair going on don’t you think?” Wooyoung said, holding his hand out to Seonghwa which Seonghwa grabbed joyfully.

“Drowning yourself with your hands tied,” Seonghwa said as he lifted Wooyoung up from his seat. “‘I do not question my authorities’, the hell you don’t.”

“Sssh they can hear us,” Wooyoung said while snickering.

“Care to have a drink in the bar next door?”

“While we’re still in uniform?”

“Oh that’s right. Well, we can see what they have in the foyer…” Seonghwa said as he looked Wooyoung intently in his eyes. “I really want to catch up with you, it’s been a while.”

He was right, it had been a while. Somehow, Wooyoung had managed to get so caught up in his work again that he fell back into his habit of neglecting his social life. He should take Seonghwa up on his offer. Looking at the clock on the other end of the conference room told him that it would take another two hours before San would show up at his office. Yesterday he had finally given him a call that he would come see him in his office this evening.

“You know what, I’ll get a sweater from my office and we can grab a coffee. I’m not in the mood to talk with NIS investigators anyway.”

Seonghwa’s face changed instantly. A big smile appeared on his face and he put an arm around his shoulder. “They are definitely not the people you want to have a casual drink with.”

Wooyoung thought that it would actually be a welcome distraction to have a drink with Seonghwa, otherwise he would be waiting in his office and pulling his hair out of his head from frustration. He was rather impatient and he knew that San was not someone who came on time. Distraction was what he needed, otherwise he was going to think of all the different ways San was going to take him tonight before it would actually happen. He’d be a wreck before he had even come to see him.

“Come on, walk with me to my office so I can get my sweater,” Wooyoung said.

They left the room, before thanking chief Kang and the other people from the police department. Chief Kang told him that he should come by his office tomorrow morning. He didn’t tell him why, but it seemed inappropriate to do so while they were surrounded by officials.

Getting his sweater from his office was kind of awkward, because Seonghwa had to help him pull down his sweater. He hadn’t asked for it, but since he still struggled to get his clothes on because of the pain in his shoulder, he forgot how awkward it could look when he put on a shirt or his jacket. Seonghwa had stepped forward rather quickly, pulling down on the hem of the sweater, while asking, “you need help with that Wooyoung?”

When he pulled his sweater over his head and their eyes met, Wooyoung realized Seonghwa had a worried look on his face. “It looks pathetic doesn’t it?” was all Wooyoung managed to say.

Seonghwa shook his head. “Not at all.”

They stayed quiet for a bit. Wooyoung didn’t want to linger on the feelings of embarrassment he got as he failed to look and function like a normal human being. But he did so almost instinctively. Seonghwa was the first however to pull him out of such a slump.

“I’m thirsty, come on, let’s go!”

They left the building walking side by side, wearing their long padded coats, because the winter months had already set in. Next to the police department there were a few cafes and a place where they could get chicken. Seonghwa asked him if he was hungry and he pretended not to be, knowing that he would be filled up with something else tonight. Instead, they went to one of the cafes to get a coffee. Wooyoung ordered a tea just to be sure.

“How have you been Wooyoung? How’s your new job?” Seonghwa asked when they sat down at a table.

“It’s been a bit difficult to adjust, but I think I kind of have the hang of it now,” Wooyoung said. “Being on the Task Force does help, although I still don’t understand why they need me there.”

Seonghwa nodded. “I can understand why you think like that. But you know how it goes, once you did something great in the eyes of the authorities, they want to reward you in some way. Putting you in that Task Force works both ways. The police department can show off with the well-trained police men they have serving in the force.”

“Thank you for saying that, because if I have to be honest,” Wooyoung sighed. “I feel like a puppet.”

Seonghwa looked at him with a serious look. “Does it bother you that they are treating you that way?”

Wooyoung breathed in through his teeth. “I don’t know. I don’t know what the alternative is.”

“You have a voice you know. You are allowed to tell them how you feel about all of this.”

“Do I? I don’t know, I’m so used to following orders. I don’t feel like I have a voice.”

Seonghwa scratched his neck. “Why did you take this job Wooyoung?”

“It was given to me by the police department.”

“Yeah, but why did you take it?”

Because San gave it to me, he wanted to say. But he didn’t say it.

“I need a job, you know that too Seonghwa,” Wooyoung said. “How did you decide to become commander of the Seoul Squad?”

Seonghwa chuckled and weaved a hand through his hair. “They offered me the job.”

“See,” Wooyoung said, raising his eyebrows. “You’re not so different from me.”

“I know I’m not,” Seonghwa said. “Except I don’t get myself in troubling situations.” He paused, before he nodded his head to point at his shoulder. “How’s recovery going?”

“So-so,” Wooyoung said, instinctively twisting his shoulder. “My range of movement is not up to par,” he snickered, “the chief even put me of the shooting and fitness test.”

“But that was to be expected,” Seonghwa said, leaning forward to take a sip of his coffee.

“Yeah, but it still sucks to hear it,” Wooyoung blurted out. He saw the way Seonghwa looked at him and he averted his eyes. “Anyway, the physiotherapist is already getting sick of me.”

Wooyoung felt his phone buzz in his pants and he wondered who it was. He moved to grab his phone from his pocket to have a quick look.

_I’m in my office._

San had messaged him. He felt the heat flooding to his cheeks. He wanted to put his phone back, but it immediately buzzed again.

_I mean_

_Your office._

He put his phone back in his pocket and acted like it was not just San that had messaged him. He wanted to focus on the conversation he was having with Seonghwa. But he was fooling himself if from that moment there was nothing he was thinking about except for San who was waiting in his office.

“I bet he gets sick of such an impatient person like you,” Seonghwa said, his eyes landing on his pocket where he had put back his phone. “Why don’t you come to the station sometime, you can let Yunho check your body, and in the meanwhile you can catch up with each other. Seeing a familiar face might help, you know.”

Wooyoung liked Seonghwa’s idea and he thought it was kind that he was thinking of solutions to make things easier for him.

“How is everything at the station? It’s been too long since I’ve been there,” Wooyoung asked.

“It’s alright. I mean… It’s different, we’re all kind of out of it. We have a lot of new colleagues and this hasn’t been to our advantage,” Seonghwa paused. “I don’t know, we all have a difficult time dealing with what happened to Yeosang.”

What had happened to Yeosang... If Wooyoung was going to be honest, he didn’t really deal with his feelings when it came to Yeosang. He had simply shut off his feelings and he didn’t think about him, safe for the moments he woke up in sweat and remembered what had happened to him. He was having a hard time coming to terms with what had happened to himself, to think about what happened to Yeosang as well was simply too much for him to deal with.

“Actually, I meant to ask you,” Seonghwa started. “I’m going to visit him in the hospital on the way home.”

“Oh. Oh, ok,” Wooyoung said. He didn’t really know what to say. He dreaded that Seonghwa was going to ask him to come along with him. And then he did ask him.

“Do you want to join me? I think Yeosang would like it if he could hear your voice.”

Would he even be able to hear his voice? The thought flashed through his mind immediately as he imagined Yeosang lying in his hospital bed, breathing through artificial respiration and all the other tubes that were inside of his body to keep him alive.

He couldn’t join Seonghwa to the hospital, because he had a date with San. But even if he didn’t have a meeting with San, he couldn’t join Seonghwa. He just wasn’t ready to go down that rollercoaster yet.

“I don’t know,” Wooyoung said. He hesitated. He saw the look in Seonghwa’s eyes change. “I have some office work left to do, the chief asked me to write a report about today’s meeting.”

He saw in Seonghwa’s demeanour that he knew he was lying. “Ok, yeah I get it. Maybe we can go together another time. I can drive us there, I really don’t mind. Just tell me when you’re ready to do so.”

Seonghwa couldn’t pressure him into seeing Yeosang, but he hoped that Wooyoung would do it still. There were boundaries between Seonghwa and Wooyoung, but he knew if he was closer to Seonghwa, he would have scolded him for being such a pussy and not joining him to the hospital. And even then, there would be some pity for Wooyoung, because Seonghwa had always tried to understand him.

“So tell me, have you seen San these days?”

Wooyoung swallowed a lump in his throat. Was he asking him about San? Had he seen the message on his phone?

“I have no idea where he is hanging out these days. He has kind of just… disappeared after he finished his work as commander,” Seonghwa said.

Wooyoung didn’t know if Seonghwa had seen his message, but he took a chance and lied. “I haven’t seen San in a while either. The contact sort of died down.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Wooyoung didn’t see any sign in Seonghwa’s face that he thought he was lying. For now, Wooyoung just preferred to keep things between him and San. It was already complicated enough.

They talked some more about the job and they talked about what they did in their free time. Seonghwa suddenly seemed very interested in what he did in his free time and Wooyoung thought this was kind of odd. When he suggested to hang out more often, Wooyoung was actually happily surprised. He did want to hang out more often with Seonghwa, he had been secluding himself too often during his recovery period and he knew that this was not helping him in any way.

The time seemed to pass quite quickly after that, the tension disappearing and the memory of the Task Force’s meeting leaving his mind. He was enjoying his time with Seonghwa and he wondered why he had not done this sooner.

When his phone buzzed again, he looked at it casually, not realizing that it was San again. He had sent a selfie of himself with pouty lips and a wink. A little message came immediately after.

_Don’t let me wait too long._

Oh, but he had to wait a little bit longer. From that moment on however, it was difficult for Wooyoung to hold a normal conversation with Seonghwa, his thoughts filled with all the possibilities that tonight held.

****

“I can’t do this San, I can’t do this -” Wooyoung held onto San’s hair at the base of his neck as he tried to ignore the pain in his shoulder and instead focus on the intense stimulation San was giving him in his pants. He was sitting on his desk, while San stood in between his thighs, his right hand firmly gripped around his swollen cock. He felt how he started to pump his cock and the touch that had been so uncomfortable to give himself, was now so immensely pleasurable since San was working him like no one else ever could.

“You’re trembling, baby,” San said cooingly, as he brought his other hand up to massage his side. “Was it that bad? Have you missed me that much?”

San’s soft words echoed in his ear and the pain that he felt throughout his body slowly merged with pleasure. San’s hand in his side was kneading him in such a manner that it almost turned into a way to console him, as if San was telling him that it was ok to feel these things, to feel both pain and pleasure at the same time. Wooyoung let his body take over and let it feel all the things that he had felt but suppressed for the past two months. He wrapped both his arms around San’s neck, which surprised San and made him slow down his pace, but he managed to push his hand up and down his cock in such a way that stimulated him even more. All evening had he waited for San’s touch and the overwhelming way in which he was stimulated made Wooyoung finally let go, and as he did, the tears started forming in his eyes and he sniffed.

“Does it hurt baby? Is it ok?” San said in a concerned manner, his lips brushing over his cheek.

As a response, Wooyoung held onto him tighter. He didn’t want him to stop. Ever. “Please don’t stop, keep going, please,” his words came out shaky, but that was also because he was starting to climax. He knew the pain could be heard in his voice, but of all people, he knew that San would understand. After all he had only fucked him when he was in pain.

“I won’t ever stop, only when you tell me,” San said into his ear. It sounded so submissive and Wooyoung was so turned on by it that he felt himself relax, his grip around San’s neck loosening. He had known a time where San did hold himself back. To see him submitting to him gave him butterflies. He put his left arm behind him to lean on it and look into San’s eyes. Staring into his eyes intensified the sensation of San stroking his cock even more. Focusing on his breath, he looked down at San’s hand that had a firm grip around his cock and he couldn’t help but to moan.

“Choi San, you are unbelievable.”

San started to laugh, flashing his beautiful smile. He saw that he wanted to say something, as the smile disappeared and he felt like he could see a hint of embarrassment and nerves coming over him. Then he said it.

“Do you want to see something even more unbelievable Jung Wooyoung?” 

San let go of his member and he saw how his cheeks had gotten flushed. San dropped to his knees and his hands grabbed onto his thighs. Wooyoung grabbed his hands in shock.

“What… What are you doing?” He stuttered.

San’s bruised and beaten hands grasped onto the cloth of his pants. “Don’t you want to see what I look like from down here?”

He wanted this, he had always kind of wondered what San looked like, from down there. He was apprehensive, because he was not sure if it was safe to do this in his office, or San’s former office. There were still people in the building, and even though people rarely came up to his office, today would be the day that that would happen. But the way San looked up at him… His deep black eyes staring up at him waiting nervously for his answer, it was enough for him to shiver in anticipation and let San make him come undone. He bit his lip and nodded his head, removing his hands that were on top of those of San.

Trembling, San scurried forward, placing himself in between Wooyoung’s thighs as he grabbed onto the fabric of his pants and moved it down. Wooyoung helped him, wiggling his butt, so he could move his pants and boxers down his butt and past his thighs. He was so exposed, but it turned him on even more, because San was taking care of him. His swollen cock stood almost upright against his belly. San looked up at him, before he moved forward.

With his right hand, San grabbed his cock and he could hear him breathe harder than before. He was nervous, Wooyoung could tell. It had been so long. They were practically new born virgins to each other. Everywhere San placed his hands, Wooyoung would feel shivers throughout his body.

He didn’t expect the kiss San placed right at the base of his cock with trembling lips. How could someone like him still get nervous? – went through Wooyoung’s thoughts, but as San adjusted position and brought his cock to his mouth, the view was holding the answer. San took his cock into his mouth as brave as a first timer would immediately do, making Wooyoung arch his back involuntarily. The sight of his lips around his cock, and oh- oooh- his tongue around his member’s head, made him realize dizzily that yes, he definitely had a certain power over San.

He noticed that San was kind of eager, as he started to bop up and down his cock and pump it aggressively. Wooyoung felt lightheaded, both from the stimulation and the realization that San was actually giving him head right now, and he placed down his left hand on San’s shoulder to steady himself. He knew he had to tell San to slow down.

“Aah- Slow down, San. Make it last a little bit longer,” Wooyoung managed to say.

San looked up at him as he removed his cock from his mouth, saliva dripping down from his lower lip. “I’m sorry, I’m trying,” San said with a tiny voice. “Tell me what you want me to do.”

“You have no idea how fast my heart is beating right now,” Wooyoung said, his hand moving away from his shoulder and finding his left hand. He squeezed it and said, “stimulate me under my balls and take me slowly.”

San smiled and removed his hand from under Wooyoung’s grip. He took him in his right hand and as he let saliva drip from his mouth onto his cock he wetted his left middle and index finger and placed them right under his balls. When he took him again, Wooyoung couldn’t believe the sight of San’s lips wrapped around his cock, and he realized how big he was in San’s tiny mouth. The stimulation he gave him as he went to work quite meticulously blew him away, the filthy sounds that he made, and the way he writhed between his thighs making it seem like he was actually really starting to enjoy it.

Wooyoung leaned back, taking in all that was San and enjoying every sensation that he felt from his head to his toes. All he heard was San’s tiny moans and slobbering sounds as he went down on him and he felt that he was going to come. He let himself, he knew he wanted San multiple times tonight to make up for their time apart. 

“I’m going to come San,” Wooyoung said under a suppressed breath and instead of San slowing down, he felt how he was giving his all.

Wooyoung came with a rather loud moan that he didn’t care to suppress and San took his full load without complaining. He trembled when the cold air brushed over his now soft cock as it had left San’s mouth.

“You’re mine and now I have your all,” he heard San say. Wooyoung opened his eyes and he looked at San who started to stand up again. Their eyes met and Wooyoung saw his semen cover San’s lips, a sight he did not believe he would ever see. San searched for his hand, and Wooyoung felt how his hand was trembling, probably still shaken by the act he had just performed. He couldn’t believe it, he couldn’t believe San had done that, but oh how he wanted more and more.

Wooyoung felt his legs trembling as San pushed his body in between his now naked legs, his hard on pushing against the inside of his legs, and his arms that slid behind his back, hugging him closer to his body to ride out his orgasm comfortably. He looked upon San’s flushed face, that cold look of his that was really his shyness shining through, and his tongue that was licking at the corner of his lips, to keep the saliva and semen from dripping down his chin. Wooyoung carefully brought his fingertips to trace over those wet lips covered in his white liquid.

“Where do you end and where do I begin,” Wooyoung was philosophizing out loud.

“There is no end, you are my beginning,” San uttered, the liquid sticking to his upper lip.

Wooyoung would not kiss anyone who was wearing his cum on his lips. But he would always kiss San. When San leaned forward to kiss him, he took him gladly, although the overwhelming taste of his own cum was not something he enjoyed.

“I think I’m going to lock that door now,” San whispered against his lips. Wooyoung opened his eyes, shocked to realize that they had actually left the door unlocked for all this time. He felt San step back, leaving his body cold and deprived from touch, as he went to walk to the door to lock it. 

It brought Wooyoung back to reality as he was completely exposed with his pants still hanging down to his ankles. And he also realized that like this, San could see the scar on his leg, that was still blazing red. As he hunched over in an act to conceal it, he could tell that San had already seen it while standing by the door and at that moment right there, he wished the ground would have swallowed him up.

San’s arms dropped to his side as he looked to Wooyoung with a sorrowful look. Wooyoung averted his eyes, because he didn’t want San to look at him that way. He didn’t want his pity, certainly not right now. Not after that moment they just had together in perfect harmony.

He heard San walking towards him. And from under his hair he saw him kneel down before him as he had done just now. He felt how he brushed a hand through his hair and made him look at him.

“You are mine, Wooyoung, you know that,” San said, his eyes looking sincere. Wooyoung tried not to break eye contact. San brought his hands down to his leg and traced his fingers over the wound, that was so big and so awful and made him feel ugly and grotesque. He had to turn his head away, because he could not bear the sight. Then he felt two soft lips brushing over his wound lightly, kissing it endearingly, like it was not as monstrous as it made him feel.

“And I want your all, Wooyoung. Everything,” San said.

He heard him say it, but he could not respond. He knew if he would open his mouth, his voice would break and he would start to tear up. But he didn’t want to cry, he didn’t want the tears that were pricking behind his eyes to roll down his cheeks, because it would bring back all the memories and all the pain that was buried deep inside of him.

The love that San was showing him now, was greater than San could ever know.

Wooyoung held out a hand to San. He noticed that San’s eyes were watery, something he hadn’t expected, but he promised himself not to tear up before him. “Stand up, my love,” he said.

San grabbed his hand and stood up. Wooyoung slid down from the table to stand on both his feet as well. Normal people would probably give one another a hug in this situation. People who were in love certainly would. But he and San were different. Between them, it would always be different.

“Why don’t you turn around and lean over that desk,” San said, an order disguised in a request.

Wooyoung stood up shakily from the desk and he turn around to face it. He knew what was going to happen now, but still he felt cramps in his lower belly. He leaned over the desk, feeling the cold surface of it touch his chest, and the papers harsh against his face as he rested on it facing the window across the room. He let his hands rest on the edges of the desk, carefully gripping onto it in anticipation of what was to come.

He felt how San leaned over him and he felt his breath touch his ears. “Do I have to ask for permission? Or can I work you any which way I want?”

Wooyoung groaned. He already felt how San was kneading his ass and he just knew that he didn’t want him to hold back. If he held back it would ruin everything, like it had ruined their time together in the squad. San ought to know that there was no limit to Wooyoung any longer. Because there was no purpose to keep him whole anymore. He was already broken.

“I am yours San,” Wooyoung said, his jaw moving over the papers and crumbling them. “I am yours. No restraints.”

San moved down his body, before he left a kiss in his neck. He felt his hot breath over his butt cheeks and his hands started moving over his lower back, pushing his shirt and sweater up to expose more of him. His senses were heightened and he didn’t know how to focus on his touch, but then he started spreading his cheeks and he felt how San’s tongue traced over his entrance.

“Mhhmmm,” involuntarily a little moan escaped his lips and he clung onto the sides of the desk to steady himself as San started licking him.

When San started entering him with his finger, Wooyoung had to close his eyes, to focus on not clenching his muscles around him. He heard how San grabbed something from his pocket and he jolted a bit forward when he felt the cold liquid of the lube drip onto his entrance. San didn’t hesitate and he felt two fingers entering him deeper than he had expected.

“Aaah,” Wooyoung reached down with his hand instinctively to stop him. But he felt San grab his hand, while he continued working on him with his other hand.

“No restraints,” San said, but he didn’t say it in a mean way, more so matter-of-factly. He showed no restraint. 

Wooyoung held onto San’s hand as he continued to finger him, sometimes pushing down when he was deep inside of him to find his prostate. He heard how San started unbuckling his belt and unzipped his pants. Wooyoung instantly looked back, to see San taking out his hard cock.

“Fuck I never thought I would be seeing that again,” Wooyoung uttered in an almost pathetic way.

San laughed as he grabbed the bottle of lube he had placed on the desk beside him and he started working himself with the lube, the room filled with the noise of slick, wet sounds. “I never thought I would be taking this beautiful ass again,” he said as he placed his cock between his cheeks and rubbed it between them.

Wooyoung turned around to bury his face into his hand, cringing at the skin on skin touch that was so vulgar but made him so eager to be taken immediately. Never had he wanted a man’s cock more than that of San. He was his everything.

He felt San’s hand push down on his lower back, before suddenly he felt San’s cock push down inside of him, creating a stretch that was immense.

“Fuck, FUCK-” he couldn’t help himself but curse into his hand and bite onto his knuckles. He felt San move his cock’s head inside of him and then outside of him again and his world just started spinning. He had to close his eyes so he wouldn’t become nauseous.

San moved out of him with a small groan, and he heard him reach for the lube again, which he squeezed out onto his now gaping hole. “You’re so much tighter than I remember baby,” San said. Wooyoung could not put into words how it made him feel when San called him baby. He wanted to be his baby and he wanted to have him fuck him always. There was no greater feeling than being submissive to his commander who was his and only his.

He felt how San pushed down onto his back and adjusted his legs, to make him stand wider. “Come on, move a little more forward,” San said. “I want to push deeper inside of you.”

His words were so simple, yet it made Wooyoung almost choke on his saliva as he knew exactly what it meant. He wanted to fuck him hard. The extra weight that was put on his leg hurt, but he just didn’t care about the pain at all. All his senses were around his asshole and his cock and the stimulation was so great as San started kneading his ass again, that his leg simply started not to belong to him anymore.

He felt how San positioned his cock at his entrance and then he started pushing inside. Wooyoung bit down on his lower lip, but as San started moving inside of him, in and out of him along his length, his mouth just started hanging open.

“Fuck San, this is insane,” Wooyoung gripped onto the sides of the table.

“I can’t believe I’m actually fucking you again,” San said, before burying himself deep inside of him, creating a pang of pain in Wooyoung’s upper body. “God, you’re clenching around me so hard – it’s a beautiful sight to see.”

He felt himself clenching. The stretch was big and taking San inside him fully was nauseating and he felt himself becoming dizzy. The pain around his leg started growing and he hated that it was taking over the feeling of pleasure.

His hand reaching backwards to slow San down by pushing against his thigh was failing at this point. San started increasing the pace and Wooyoung felt himself lose grip and letting go, and his body started giving in as San was overpowering him. Moving his arm up to grip onto the side of the table was also difficult, since he didn’t have the range of motion. So he figured out what to do.

“I want to see, I want to see how you’re taking me,” Wooyoung managed to say.

San slowed down his pace. “Ok, let’s turn you around then,” he said as he pulled out of him. Wooyoung felt his legs shake as San was not holding him in place anymore, and he felt shivers go through his spine when San pulled him up to stand upright. He leaned back into San’s embrace and as he wrapped his arms around his chest he felt San’s heaving chest behind him as he took in long breaths.

“Why don’t we get this sweater off, I want to see your everything,” San said as he pulled on the hem of his sweater. Slowly, Wooyoung put his arms up, to let San pull his sweater and the shirt that was underneath it over his head. It went slow because of his bad shoulder and Wooyoung hoped that San could be patient with him. When he tossed the clothes aside, Wooyoung started fidgeting with his shoes and his pants that was still around his ankles in an effort to get them off. San leaned down to get them off for him, and when he had done so he stood up again to catch Wooyoung in an embrace.

“How do you always manage to make me feel this way,” Wooyoung said, holding onto San’s arms for dear life.

“Make you feel like what?” San asked.

“Like I’m wanted, just the way I am,” Wooyoung uttered.

“I will always want you, you know that, nothing will change that.”

“Nothing?”

“Don’t try me,” San turned him around quickly and Wooyoung held onto his shoulders to steady himself. A wicked smile appeared around San’s face and he grabbed Wooyoung’s thighs to lift him off the ground. Wooyoung gasped. San placed him on the desk rather roughly and leaning over him he removed the papers from the table which made a lot of noise.

“What if I turn you in for breaking in to my office and violating my body, we’re in the police department after all, won’t that change things?” Wooyoung teased him.

“I said, don’t try me Wooyoung,” San suddenly lifted him up to lay him on his back harshly and before he realized it, San had shoved his cock up his ass, creating a jolt throughout his body that made his vision go black.

“Oh FUCK -” Wooyoung screamed, maybe a bit too loud. But the pain that went through his shoulder as it slapped against the surface of the desk was too sudden, so he couldn’t bite down on his hand to muffle his scream.

“Shit,” San said, lowering himself on top of him, but his hips were still moving, his cock still sliding in and out of him. “Did I hurt you? Are you ok Wooyoung?”

Wooyoung slowly started to see things again, although there were black spots covering his vision. He saw San’s worried face hovering over him and he felt his hand rub over the back of his thigh as he tried to slow himself down.

“I’m ok, I’m ok,” Wooyoung said almost instinctively. They had agreed not to talk about his injuries, whether he was taking his pain meds or whether he was dealing with pain. San had trusted him that Wooyoung would tell him if it would be too much, but San also realized that Wooyoung was always pushing himself. After what happened between them in the Special Operations Unit, San knew that he could not argue with Wooyoung on this and he had accepted that Wooyoung would be the one who determined if they were going too far. Despite that, Wooyoung could tell from San’s face that he felt shameful for treating him so roughly.

“Just slow down a bit San, I want to take it all in,” Wooyoung said, his hand caressing San’s cheek.

He noticed San started to smile again. That’s when he noticed what he had said. “Yes San I want take you all in.”

“I’m already buried inside of you,” San whispered, his mouth hanging open lazily to let Wooyoung trace his fingers over his teeth. San moved back and he placed his hands on the back of his thighs firmly before pushing them back and exposing Wooyoung’s body even more to him. Wooyoung looked down and he saw how San’s cock was disappearing inside of him and his eyes rolled back into his head involuntarily, because the sight combined with the feeling was just too overwhelming.

Wooyoung started making a humming sound, every time San pounded inside of him, the pleasure finally taking over. But he wanted more of San, he wanted his everything, like he had his everything.

Wooyoung reached forward to grab the hem of San’s shirt, but before he could do so, San grabbed his hand roughly. “No, don’t do that,” he said. Wooyoung noticed the panic in his voice.

“Why not?”

He felt how San slowed down. He wrapped his hand tightly around his hand, but he averted his eyes.

Wooyoung perched himself up on one arm, making San move back a bit and he stopped moving inside of him. Why wasn’t he answering him?

“Why not San?” 

Wooyoung looked at their hands, at their fingers that San had started to weave together and he looked at them as San was tracing his thumb over the back of his hand. That was when he realized.

Oh. But of course, Wooyoung thought. He should have known the first time he saw his hands, that no construction work or garage shop work would do that to someone’s hands, to make them look so bruised. He should have known from the way San had been dressed since he had seen him last week and now, that he was covered in clothing from top to bottom, only showing skin at his neck, which was still covered in necklaces. He should have known that that was a sign that he was hiding something. Or more simply, that he was hiding his body, for it had secrets to unveil.

“I won’t ask questions,” Wooyoung almost blurted out, squeezing San’s hand and looking for his eyes. They had made a promise not to talk about their jobs or what they were doing now to make a living. San had parted ways with the police force and that just made things different.

“I don’t want to make things complicated,” San said, avoiding his eyes.

“Things have always been complicated between us,” Wooyoung said with a small voice. San eyed him unsurely. “I want your skin on mine,” Wooyoung said.

San’s eyes met his and he stared at him intently, before he pulled his cock out of Wooyoung’s body and loosened his grip on his hand. He stepped back and he turned around. Wooyoung watched him closely as he grabbed his shirt by his collar and pulled it over his head, leaving Wooyoung to look upon his naked back.

Wooyoung breathed in through his teeth as he saw the exposed back of San’s body. There were blue and red spots blooming all over his shoulders and his sides, making a stark contrast against his pale skin tone. He saw a hematoma growing on his side in such a vivid red colour, it almost made him have an outer body experience: was this what he had looked like when he came out of the coma?

San turned around after tossing his shirt on the ground and he walked up to Wooyoung to meet him in between his thighs. Without realizing it, Wooyoung traced his fingers over the blue, purple and red spots that were blooming on his chest. He took a deep breath as he counted all the discolorations on his body.

San looked at him, his eyebrows furrowed. Wooyoung could see that his thoughts were going a million miles per hour. Wooyoung didn’t say anything. He had told him, he wasn’t going to ask any questions. Instead, he let his hand trace over his wounds and then it landed on his groin and he looked up.

“Fuck me hard San,” he said with puppy eyes. 

San lay him down again, this time softly and with care. He placed himself at Wooyoung’s entrance and he started penetrating him. Hard. Wooyoung reached out to let his arm wrap around San’s shoulders, in an effort to steady himself and to endure the way he was taking him. He knew he was making whining sounds at this point, and he knew he didn’t sound like he was enjoying it, although he was. The pain was something that he had accepted, during the period San had been absent. Depression taught you that. That the pain wasn’t going to go away.

San turned to look at him and his expression changed. San let his hand brush over his cheeks and under his eyes. Wooyoung hadn’t noticed that he had started crying, but the tears had been pricking in his eyes. It was strange to see how San didn’t hold back, but still could wear this sombre look filled with pain and regret. Wooyoung wanted to look away, but before he did San suddenly reached for Wooyoung’s arms and held them in front of him. He grabbed his hands and before it had actually happened, Wooyoung realized what he was doing.

San placed Wooyoung’s hands on his neck in such a way that it resembled a choke-hold. Wooyoung looked at San in awe. Without breaking eye-contact, San moved downwards into Wooyoung’s hands and it made Wooyoung hold on tighter.

Wooyoung could not believe what was happening. San picked up his pace again and without seeming to have control over it, Wooyoung’s fingers wrapped around San’s neck, holding on tighter and tighter, almost as a way to have control over San’s pace. He started moaning in this unbelievable way. It sounded both gross and exciting as he started making gurgling and choking sounds. To Wooyoung’s shameful surprise, it turned him on immensely.

“You’re in control, Wooyoung -” San managed to say as he dug his nails in his thighs.

Wooyoung didn’t know what came over him, but with his hands around San’s neck, he started moving with San so he could take him deeper. There was something about squeezing his hands a little around San’s neck that turned him on beyond belief, especially the sounds that San managed to make and the way he tried fucking him harder even though not being able to breathe well made this more difficult for him.

Wooyoung came without touching himself. The look of his hands wrapped around San’s neck, was the only thing that caused him to tip over. He removed his hands from his neck and he wrapped his arms around San’s back to have him reach his climax.

“Ride it out, San. Fuck me as hard as you need to,” Wooyoung said while trembling. San wrapped his arms around Wooyoung’s back and he started pounding into him aggressively, which by God hurt so immensely, but it hurt so good.

Wooyoung looked at San’s back, at the horrible popped blood vessels and bruising that covered the better part of his shoulders. He wondered how San had gotten them, but he knew deep down how he had gotten them. Wooyoung knew that San was partaking in criminal activities. It was the reason why he had tried to hide his body from him, because he knew they could not talk about it, they had agreed not to talk about their jobs and what they entailed. Now that San was not working in the force anymore, but Wooyoung was, it complicated things a lot. If San was doing criminal activities, Wooyoung could never know about it, him being the one who still wore a uniform. Only if they didn’t talk about, they could be together. But at what cost?

San came inside of him shakily, his voice deep and low in his ear as Wooyoung held onto him. He held onto him tighter, pulled him closer to him, so that there wouldn’t be any space in between them.

Wooyoung should have realized that things had changed. Things would never be the same again. He should have known. He should have known all along…

Loving him was never enough.

****


	2. You took my sadness out of context

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally I'm back with another chapter.
> 
> I took a little break over the Christmas break, but I've been working hard this January to write this chapter.  
> I know it is quite long, I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. I hope I can upload a bit more frequently, but I am suspecting all the chapters will be longer than those in Suicide Squad.
> 
> Please take a look at the tags. There is explicit content and violence in this chapter.

Wooyoung had once seen San get beaten up by a sergeant. This was before he and Wooyoung had slept together in that tent, before San had touched him. They were a few weeks into their enlistment. He had been intrigued by San, especially after he had seen how San had taken that beating.

The whole division had been asked to gather at the clearing in front of the barracks where they had their morning calls. They had been marching through the woods with their packs on their backs and their guns loaded in front of them. One of the guys was unable to finish the march, because his feet were full of blisters and he couldn’t walk anymore. Instead of dragging him with them, which would slow them all down, San decided to empty their packs of things they didn’t necessarily need, discarded them in the woods and carried the man on his back while the others wore the extra packs. San was not the leader of their group, but he decided this on his own so they could finish the march quicker.

When the sergeant asked them who had decided to leave parts of their packs in the woods, San did not hesitate to step forward. Before the sergeant decided to give him a beating in front of the whole group, he gave them a speech about how they should never leave clues behind for their enemies. When San said under his breath that leaving one of their buddies in the woods is the biggest clue to leave for an enemy, the sergeant kicked him in his back without warning. Wooyoung was shocked to see this type of anger from their sergeant since he had not witnessed violence from authorities in this form before, and he had flinched when he heard the crack in San’s back that he could hear quite well because he was standing close to him.

Initially he didn’t know how to respond to what he saw unfolding before him. San didn’t stand up at first while the sergeant kept shouting at him. Wooyoung wanted to help him, but he saw that his other teammates didn’t move and kept standing in formation. He wondered how long they had to watch as San kept being kicked. The sergeant pulled him up at some point, shaking him back and forth, demanding him to answer him. When he hit him in his face, it seemed like San finally started to wake up and he responded to the sergeant.

When the sergeant shouted that the team had to go inside to bring back their packs back into their rooms and to take a shower, Wooyoung rushed to San with a few other guys. They helped him up and made him wear his pack so he could join them inside. He was almost unable to stand on his own two feet at first, but they forced him up by supporting him under his arms. Before going inside, the sergeant demanded Wooyoung and another guy to find the blankets and other trinkets San had dumped from their packs in the woods. They were both annoyed to do so, but followed the order of their sergeant.

Wooyoung entered the showers exhausted after that and he wouldn’t have noticed San, if it weren’t for that ridiculous smile he wore on his face as he washed down his body that looked horrendous. The sergeant had not held back when he had kicked him.

Looking upon San’s back now, as he embraced him while lying on his desk and while he was breathing hard, he remembered that day when San stood under that shower, laughing while the hot water stung his bruised skin.

It hit Wooyoung that when San got hurt he might be worse than Wooyoung: no pity was allowed, but certainly no wallowing. San wore bruises on his skin like an accessory and somehow Wooyoung felt a jealousy, a jealousy for the way San was able to deal with things. Was he more capable than him? Was he the one who was supposed to be in the police?

“I’ll take you home,” San whispered in his ear. He left his body, the cold wind brushing over his stiff body making it feel as if chains were wrapped around his torso. He realized he could not stand up, the surface of the desk creating such a rigidity that he simply couldn’t find the upper body strength to stand up. He felt like he could cry.

San reached out his hand to him, after zipping up his jeans and fastening his belt. Wooyoung grabbed it and San helped him get up to get of the desk. His face must have been contorted, because he noticed the way San looked at him. He didn’t say anything however.

Wooyoung felt dirty, he wasn’t sure if this was something that he meant to feel. Using his office as a way to meet up with San was not his idea, but it made him realize that this was indeed still San’s office. It made him realize that only on the condition of San having his back was he currently in this place and in this position. It dawned on him that he could not ever let go of him: not that he wanted to anyway. But who was there to hold onto if San wasn’t there for him? As he stood naked before San, he became nauseous as the irrational fear came over him, which was a fear of losing him. 

“Stay with me tonight, San,” Wooyoung said as San turned around to grab his sweater from the floor.

San pulled his sweater over his head and went to grab Wooyoung’s clothes for him. He furrowed his brow that instantly told Wooyoung he wasn’t able to. “I’m sorry Wooyoung, I have to be somewhere.”

“Where do you have to be?” Wooyoung asked as he accepted his clothes from San his hands.

San side-eyed him but didn’t answer him. Of course, Wooyoung thought, he should have known. He was going to his job tonight and they didn’t talk about their jobs.

The ride home to Wooyoung’s apartment was quiet and even though there was no tension, Wooyoung dreaded the moment San finally drove up to his apartment. It meant that he was going to go up to his apartment alone.

“Why don’t you come on up so you can have a shower before you go to work?” It was a final attempt to have him stay a little longer. But it was to no avail.

“That’s ok Wooyoung, I can have a shower over there. But thank you for your offer.”

Wooyoung wanted to leave the car, knowing that they were not the type to kiss each other goodbye, even though no one would be able to see them since San’s car had blinded windows. But he needed to say something, just to make sure that they were on the same page still. The distance he felt between them was not intentionally created by either of them, but God could he feel it was there.

“I loved that you came to see me San,” Wooyoung said. “I loved how you came inside of me.”

San looked at him, that furrowed look of him still on his face. He seemed to be thinking deeply, as if deciding on an answer. What happened next was something Wooyoung didn’t see coming and a shame came over him immediately as he realized he should have never doubted San, to think that he would ever leave him.

A big tear rolled down San’s cheek, that he pushed away roughly with the back of his hand, before he moved forward to bring his head down into Wooyoung’s lap. He grabbed onto his thighs as he buried his face into his lap, as if he wanted to be as close to Wooyoung as was humanly possible.

“I cannot believe you still want to be with me Wooyoung,” San sniffed, rubbing his face over his thighs. “I love you – I love you so much it is almost unbearable.”

He was shocked, he was so surprised that he didn’t know what to say or what to do. The way San grabbed at his thighs, the way he held on to him for dear life, it made him sick to his stomach realizing how San broke down in front of him because of him.

The tears pricked behind Wooyoung’s eyes as he weaved his fingers through San’s hair, unable to fully grasp the situation, because no one had shown their love for him in such an honest and raw way. He searched for any betrayal, but there wasn’t any, he couldn’t find it in San’s words or his tears or his hands that grasped onto the cloth of his pants.

“Why would I not want to be with you?” Wooyoung croaked, his voice breaking. He was a fool for trying to hold back his own tears.

“I made you do all these things, I made you do things I shouldn’t have asked of anyone,” San said, closing his eyes. “I wanted you so bad, I wanted you too much.”

“You didn’t make me do anything San,” Wooyoung said, brushing through his hair with his fingers, before he grabbed onto his hair a bit roughly.

“But I did, Wooyoung. I did. I made you do things you didn’t want to do.”

“That’s not true San and you know it,” Wooyoung breathed. “You know it more than I do.”

San started shaking his head, started rubbing his face between his thighs even more. He wanted to disagree with Wooyoung but he knew he couldn’t.

“I’m starting to accept the things about myself, I maybe shouldn’t accept at all. You are the only one who can see through the dark side of my soul –“ Wooyoung swallowed audibly, “and you’ve reached my heart.”

Wooyoung pulled San upwards and he placed a hand on his cheek, making him look into his eyes. “I love you too you know.”

Never had he felt a surge of energy rush throughout his body that felt so good and horrible at the same time.

San bit down on his lip and he turned his face towards Wooyoung’s hand and he kissed his palm. “I don’t deserve you. I will kill you if you let me do this.”

Wooyoung reached to grab San by his collar. He pulled him closer, almost angrily. The adrenaline he felt in his body made him feel like he needed San closer than ever. He looked San in his eyes that were red and he saw the despair behind them. “Only by your hand. I would not ever give anyone else that privilege.”

They looked at each other in silence. It would have been normal if San had said that what he said was ridiculous, but they both knew it was a reality. Since they had been in a relationship Wooyoung had only become hurt, even if it wasn’t San his fault or his intention to hurt him. Wooyoung had felt this urge to push his boundaries and in some ways, this was because of what he had with San. Denying it would be foolish, they both knew that. 

“I will come to your house tomorrow at 7,” San said. “I don’t want to be apart from you anymore. I know that it’s selfish, but I simply can’t stand being away from you anymore.”

“You know how I feel about you San,” Wooyoung said. “Nothing has changed – nothing will change. Kill me if you have to. I will let you.”

When San finally left, Wooyoung still felt like he had left him behind. He didn’t want to be alone, not today. Not after what they had done together. After San had finally made love to him again after so many weeks.

He felt the soreness in his body and the sweat and dirt clinging to his skin when he entered the warmth of his apartment and he knew he needed to take a shower. But it felt like such a heavy task, one that he wanted to delay for a little bit more, so he went to his living room where he sat down carefully on his couch.

When morning came, he found himself lying on the couch in a strange position. He could not remember how he ended up there and only vaguely did he recall the conversation he had had with San in his car. Unable to stand up straight away, he brought his hand to his head and he felt how his forehead was hot to the touch. Not soon after did he notice the headache that was nagging behind his eyes.

Had he passed out? Looking at the window, he could see that it was already daylight out and the sudden fear came over him that he had overslept, and he had missed his morning alarm for work. He sat up, an ache in his side making him groan instantly as he grabbed it in pain. He padded his pants to feel for his phone, which he found and retrieved from his pocket. The display told him that it was 6:32 AM, just minutes away from his alarm for work at 6:45.

Placing the phone on the coffee table, he rubbed his face. He felt horrible, like he had a hungover. And he smelt horrible he noticed, his hands reeking of sweat, piss and sex. His body was aching, he could feel his lower back screaming at him and his ribs were as sore as the day after his initial injury at the Special Operations Unit. The fact that he was still in his clothes from the day before was a sin to begin with. 

Wooyoung dragged himself to the bathroom, his body protesting on the way. So it was going to be this kind of day, he thought to himself as he turned on the shower. He was hesitant with removing his clothes from his body, scared of what he would see in the mirror. After getting his shirt off with difficulty and many moans and groans, he looked in the mirror to see what yesterday’s shenanigans had done to his body. He covered his eyes with his hand when he finally saw.

On his right side, his body had swollen up and had turned bright red. The colours of black and blue were still present at the outer ridges, but the centre was a crimson red, like someone had just slapped him hard and their hand had left a rosy imprint. As he touched it, he could almost hear the sound a frying pan would make, a sizzling sound of a surface that was scorching hot.

It had happened again, like in the olden days, when his body had just started recovering and San had taken the liberty to abuse his body and he had let him done so willingly and without regret. His body had once again become a playground, where too many games and kicking against the turfs had left the grassland spoilt and the soil muddy and wet. That his body would not be able to take it shouldn’t have come as a surprise, but touching the bruising and swelling again made him angry instead of regretful, an emotion he could not deal with nor learn from. Angry he was, at his body for failing him once again, and at the consequences this could have.

He turned on the shower and he went to stand under it, his left hand placed against the wall to steady himself. How would he solve this problem? He felt lightheaded and he knew today would be a difficult day at work. He wanted to make sure he would regain back his energy by nightfall, because San would visit him again and he wanted him to touch him again like he did mere hours before. How would he make his body cooperate without screaming at him in distress? He thought about the different drug subscriptions he had and he wondered what cocktail he could concoct for himself without it making him pass out. While he thought about the different combinations, he carefully washed his body with one hand and his hand slipped in between his butt-cheeks, feeling the evidence of the act done the day before. Somehow it assured him, because it reminded him it did happen and San had wanted him still, after all those days. The only thing he needed to take care of was to keep himself steady and on two feet. And he was going to make damn sure of it.

Stepping from under the shower was another shock as the cold encompassed him and he stumbled over to his room to grab fresh, clean clothes. He left his dirty clothes lying on the bathroom-floor as he had discarded them there on his way into the shower. He was glad no one was there to hear his groaning as he put on every different piece of clothing, because someone would have told him that it was not normal to have so much pain while putting on clothes. No, it was not normal, he knew that, but it was his life now and it would be for the next coming months. Maybe he would always have a difficult time doing simple tasks like these, a fact that he liked to push to the back of his mind and didn’t really give any real attention to.

The drugs stood on top of his cabinet with drawers that contained his shirts, ties, socks and underwear. There were several of them, the normal painkillers such as paracetamol, ibuprofen, naproxen and diclofenac _._ There were the ones for his shoulder, tramadol, that he needed because he had foreign objects in his arm that were not supposed to be there, but did make it possible for him to have a working shoulder at all. There was the heavier stuff like morphine that he only got small dosages of. He had not even had to ask Yunho for heavier stuff, because the hospital had already supplied him with the heaviest stuff there was.

He peered over the different bottles, moved them around a bit and wondered for a while. He could mix the morphine with paracetamol. It would probably make him very sleepy and maybe a bit less responsive, but the pain that he felt in his chest right now would be gone. If he took it now, he would not be able to take his car however, of fear the drugs would kick in too soon and then he would be a real danger on the road. He switched the bottles around for a bit and grabbed the paracetamol together with the tramadol. If he took these two, he would still feel the pain, but at least it would be at a far lower level than it was now. He would only be a little dizzy, but not so much that he would be a danger behind the wheel.

He popped open the bottle with the tramadol in it and shook it to take out one pill. He tossed it in his mouth and holding it on his tongue he grabbed the other bottle with the paracetamol. They were 500mg pills and he knew that one was the recommended dosage, but he also knew he had built up quite a tolerance to the little things. If he took two, he knew the cocktail would actually have an effect. Besides, it was his first medication of the day, he would still be within the daily recommended dosage. He tossed two paracetamols on his hand and popped them in his mouth. Walking back to the bathroom he grabbed a glass of water and swallowed them down while looking in the mirror. _These pills better do their work,_ he told himself mentally _._

The drive to his work was horrendous, his whole body protesting and asking why the hell he had not just stayed home for the day. He knew he would be too anxious back at home and besides he had a conversation with the chief that made it mandatory for him to be at work.

In the hallways he was greeted by his colleagues cheerily and he made an effort to greet them as well, but when he reached his office, he noticed how he was out of breath and he had to lean on the handle for a bit to fight the dizziness that he felt coming over him during his walk through the halls.

“Are you ok?” his colleague, Nayeon, asked from behind her desk. Her office door was open and apparently she had seen how Wooyoung had taken a moment before opening his door.

He turned towards her, a bit too quick, and he instantly felt a dull ache in his side. “I’m alright, Nayeon. Don’t worry,” he said while flashing a smile, trying to conceal what had just happened with laughter. “It was a late night, I had a friend over.”

“Oh, of course, good times with friends can never last long enough, I could know,” Nayeon said as she returned the smile. “Was it your old friend from the Seoul Squad of the Special Operations Unit?”

For a moment Wooyoung thought she had meant San and his heart started pounding harder. Then he realized that she had never met him, maybe seen him only briefly, but she couldn’t know him by name or recognize him among a crowd. Of course, she had met Seonghwa, who had been present at the meeting. He decided to go along with it.

“Oh yeah, it was my old colleague, we are still best buddies. We frequent each other’s houses. I think I had a beer or two too much last night,” Wooyoung said as he retrieved the key from his pocket. He could see clearly again, but he felt kind of nauseous and he couldn’t wait to sit down in his chair. This would pass soon, if only he could get a moment to breathe.

“Let’s have lunch together at 12, alright?” Wooyoung said, more as a statement than a question. It was also his way of making an end to the conversation politely. He inserted the key in the lock. 

“Yes, l’ll be waiting here,” Nayeon said, turning her chair back to her desk.

Wooyoung entered his office and he managed to stop himself just in time not to slam the door behind him. He threw his satchel on his fauteuil and himself in his chair. His hand went up to his forehead and he felt the dampness of it, a sign that he had broken out in a sweat from the nausea.

Had he made a misjudgement this morning? Should he have stayed at home instead of going to his job like a good employee? He stretched out his arms before him and he saw that his hands were shaking. Too little water? Or too little food? He stood up again, his head complaining as the headache continued to taunt him like it had done the day before when he had passed out on his couch. He grabbed his satchel that he had thrown on the fauteuil and he rummaged through it to find a granola bar at the bottom of it. Although he didn’t want to eat a lot today, he wanted to keep his stomach empty for obvious reasons, he knew he needed to get something in his system right now, otherwise he would not get through the day.

The food seemed to help a little bit, he felt, as he settled behind his desk. The headache started nagging behind his eyes again, but when he felt his side, it didn’t feel as sensitive anymore as it had felt this morning. The medicine he had taken was doing its work. It was probably not as effective as the alternative he had thought of, but he couldn’t take any risks. Not with the prospect of tonight in mind. 

He made some notes on his computer while he kept the time in check. He had a meeting with his chief at 10, in which they were going to discuss yesterday’s conference on terrorism and terrorism prevention. They had agreed he would take notes, which, his chief told him, was part of the learning process of his new job. It would familiarize him with the subject and what part he was going to play in the Task Force. Expertise was apparently something you had and could gain all at the same time. He was not going to argue with his chief on this, even though it bothered him. Ever since he had been in this job he had been bothered. But he pushed it to the side, he didn’t want to let anyone know how he felt about his new job, in fear San would find out that he didn’t entirely feel at home in this new working place. He would do anything to prevent him from knowing that what he did for him was in any way not appreciated.

When it was 10, he grabbed his tablet, which he used to make notes with and on which he could get access to all the different files of the Task Force. He checked his phone for messages, there were none, and slipped it back in his pocket. When he stood up, he felt a bit lightheaded, but he ignored it and pushed through.

When he entered the hallway, he noticed that he saw black spots throughout his vision of field. Didn’t the granola bar work at all? He was sure it contained at least 250 calories, enough to get you through a slump in the middle of the working day. Maybe he should have gotten a glass of water as well. He was probably just a bit dehydrated, after all, he didn’t have his morning coffee yet. He could walk past the coffee room and get a coffee for him and his chief, it would safe his assistant the hassle of getting it for them.

Determined, he walked towards the coffee room. Instead of his vision becoming clearer as he made confident strides through the hall, his vision suddenly turned black and before he knew it, Wooyoung sank to his knees and fell side first to the ground.

He recognized her voice, before he had opened his eyes to see that it was her. He heard Nayeon talking in a soft voice and it seemed like she was talking to someone about medication. He opened his eyes and instantly he recognized the place he found himself in.

Wooyoung was lying in a hospital bed, his clothes still on his body, but on his right arm he could see that his sleeve was rolled up to expose his forearm that had a needle in it. The needle was taped down to his arm and attached to it was a tube that went up to a pole that was next to his bed. He saw the little pouch that most likely contained a saline infusion.

Moving himself up on the bed with his arms made him groan. The medication had clearly worn off and his head was pounding with a hammering headache. He saw Nayeon turn towards him and her eyebrows were raised in surprise.

“Oh, you’re awake!” she stepped closer to the bed and leaned down to raise the back of the hospital bed with a little remote control. Wooyoung felt how his back was being supported more and he could sit up more easily. He also got a full view of the room he was lying in, one he wished he wasn’t so familiar with.

It was the first aid room, where several beds were lined up with different patients on them, each of them brought there to assess their situation and to see where they needed to be redirected to.

“How are you feeling, are you ok?” Nayeon asked, standing up again to look Wooyoung in his eyes.

He didn’t need to ask her what had happened to him. He could deduct from the situation what had happened and he clearly remembered how dizzy he had felt before he had dropped to his knees in the hallway. 

At the footboard of his bed he saw a nurse who was holding a clipboard, which she seemed to be reading.

“I feel fine, just a headache,” Wooyoung said. He didn’t want to lie, but at the same time he felt like he could burst out in rage any time, because _why the fuck was he in the hospital again?_

“You passed out in the hallway, I heard the thud when you fell to the ground. You’re lucky you didn’t hit your head to the wall or anything. Do you remember it?”

“I remember,” Wooyoung said. “I don’t know, I felt a bit nauseous and I thought I should get some water. Maybe I was too careless last night. But I think I feel alright now.”

“You feel alright? Are you sure?” Nayeon looked at him in surprise and then turned to the nurse who came to walk over to him. The nurse retrieved a flashlight from her pocket and with a curd ‘follow my finger’ she tested his sensory response. “You passed out and woke only briefly in the ambulance. You talked to me, you said something about wanting to meet with someone named San. When I asked you who he was, you fell asleep.”

His eyes flashed to Nayeon as the nurse finished her test. While in a daze, had he told her about San!?

“I wanted to use your phone to look up a San, I thought he might be someone you wanted to have visit you in the hospital,” Wooyoung’s heart was in his throat. She hadn’t… “But your phone was locked. I decided to stay with you instead.”

The nurse had put away the flashlight and retrieved a blood pressure monitor _._ She wrapped it around his arm where the needle was still in his vein and she pumped the thing to make it tight around his bicep. She put the stethoscope that was around her neck in her ears and as she slowly released the air from the blood pressure monitor _,_ she watched the clock that was on the wall behind him. Realising she was looking at a clock, he wanted to look behind him to see what the time was.

“What is the time? How long have I been out?” Wooyoung asked in a slight panic.

The nurse unwrapped the blood pressure monitor from his arm and looked at him warily.

“It’s past 7 in the evening, you’ve slept for a long time,” Nayeon said.

Past 7. He was supposed to meet San at 7. He was going to come to his apartment at 7, like he had promised in the car last night. He was probably at his apartment right now, standing in front of a locked door. Wooyoung fumbled around him on the bed and he padded his jeans to locate his phone.

“Are you looking for your phone? Do you need to call someone?”

“Yes, where is my phone, I need to make an urgent call. And then I need to go. I need to be home.”

“I’m sorry sir, I have to ask you some questions first,” the nurse interrupted them.

“Listen to the nurse, Wooyoung. She is taking care of you,” Nayeon said, walking to the footboard to the give the nurse more room.

A little annoyed, he went to face the nurse to give her his attention.

“Have you consumed any alcohol last night?”

“No,” Wooyoung said. Nayeon glared at him.

“Have you been taking any drugs?”

“I’ve taken my prescription drugs this morning for my wounds and a recent inflammation.”

“What did you take exactly?”

“I took some tramadol with paracetamol.”

“What dosage?”

“One tramadol with eh,” he narrowed his eyes. “Give or take 1000 mg paracetamol.”

“Did you take anything else besides that?” 

“Not that I can recall,” Wooyoung said.

The nurse nodded. She grabbed a pen from her coat and went to walk to his footboard to retrieve the clipboard again. She went to write something down.

“Is there a possibility I can leave tonight? I really want to sleep in my own bed tonight,” he felt like he was begging. Maybe he was.

“We have to wait for the results of your bloodwork. After that the doctor will decide if you can leave the hospital or have to stay,” she placed back the clipboard at his footboard and then she left.

The urgency he felt in his body to leave this hospital was immense. He was not supposed to be here, he was supposed to be at home, so he could open the door for San. His heart was beating out of his chest from how nervous he felt over this situation. Nothing was supposed to stand in his way anymore. Of all times, why now? Why now? San was probably leaving his apartment now, wondering why the hell Wooyoung had not left him a message where he was. He needed to tell San that he had not forgotten about him. He needed to tell him that something… unforeseen had happened. He needed to make a call right now.

“Where is my phone?” the panic in his voice could be heard.

“It’s here, I kept it safe for you,” Nayeon retrieved it from her pocket and without quite realizing it, Wooyoung snatched it from her hands quite harshly and he saw how stunned she was by his urgency.

Wooyoung recollected himself. After all, he realized that this was a situation he had created himself. Acting unkindly towards Nayeon was ill-timed of him and she didn’t deserve it after she had taken such good care of him. He shouldn’t have taken those pills in the morning, he shouldn’t have gone to work with that inflammation on his chest and maybe he shouldn’t have let San ravage him like that, like he wanted him to do again and again. Paying the price of these liberties he had taken proved harsh once more, something he could have anticipated and should have anticipated. Lying in this hospital bed was another rough awakening to his reality and all he could do now was fix things, in as far they could be fixed.

“I’m sorry Nayeon. I… I want to make a call, but I prefer to make it alone. Would you… Would you mind leaving me for a bit?” he touched her hand, brushed over it in a kindred manner, trying to undo with it the rough treatment of just moments before.

Nayeon nodded her head slowly. “Of course, Wooyoung. Of course. I will go and make a few calls myself. Tell the chief you are doing alright. He has been asking after you.”

“Thank you, Nayeon. You are too kind.”

She nodded again, before leaving him, his phone squeezed between his palm and pressed against his stomach. When she was out of sight, Wooyoung opened his phone and saw what he had feared.

San had called him thrice, and he had left several messages on his Kakao. He opened his Kakao to go over the messages first.

_Hey Wooyoung, where are you? I’m in front of your apartment._

_Wooooyoung_

_Are you in the shower, silly_

_Hey Wooyoung, I called you a few times but you’re not picking up. I’ve waited for half an hour now, so I’m going to go now. Call me when you get this._

His heart sank. He had been waiting for him for over half an hour in the cold hallway of his apartment complex… He was glad he had left his apartment, but he wondered what he was thinking now that he had went home. Was he worried? Was he mad?

He wanted to call San and he went through his contacts to click on his contact. But before he pushed the button, he realized something. What was he going to tell him? If he told him he was in the hospital, he would be extremely worried about him and even worse, he would probably feel a sense of guilt, thinking that he might have had a part in his hospitalization. After all, they had had a violent lovemaking session, and San had seen the state his body was in: recovering, but still severely bruised up. If he knew anything about San at all, that guilt would soon turn into regret and the consequences of that would be that he would distance himself from him again. He would refrain from touching him, hugging him, fucking him, like he had done so well just the night before.

Thinking about it left a warm feeling in the pit of Wooyoung’s stomach. He wanted to hold onto the feeling, he didn’t want to betray it. If he wanted to feel as good as he had done yesterday, which had been the best he had felt in months, he had to do something that was morally questionable. But for Wooyoung, it was the right thing to do.

He was going to lie to San, Wooyoung decided as he dialled his number.

“ _Yes, hello_?”

“San, it’s Wooyoung.”

“ _Wooyoung! Where are you man? You weren’t at home, where are you?_ ”

“Hey man, I’m sorry, I eh-” he put his hand over the receiver, covering it to prevent the noises of the hospital from coming through, “we had an urgent meeting all of a sudden. I have to work over time.”

“ _Ah, it’s that time of the year again, huh?_ ”

Wooyoung was surprised to hear how calm San sounded. He wasn’t mad at him. At all.

“Yes, I guess it is. I’m sorry I didn’t call you earlier.”

“ _That’s ok, it happens._ ”

“Why don’t you come over later tonight?”

“ _What time?_ ”

“Around 11 or 12?”

“ _I don’t think I can make it that time…_ ” he heard some muffled sounds, as if San was putting his hand over the receiver, and then he could hear his voice softly as if he was talking to someone else. Faintly he could hear him saying something along the lines of, _what time will we go out?_ He could hear muffled sounds again before he said, “ _After 11 I have something else on hand._ ”

Wooyoung pulled his phone from his ear to quickly look at the display of his phone to see what time it was. It was 5 minutes till 8 PM. If the bloodwork results would arrive before 9, he could be out of the hospital and at home by 10. That would leave an hour for them to… He knew it wasn’t going to work out this way, but somehow his brain tried to think of every possibility in which he could still see San tonight. But it was not going to happen. In his gut there was a lingering feeling that told him it was not going to happen and maybe not even for a while. The reality dawned on him and it felt like someone had slapped him across the face.

He wanted to ask him what he was doing after 11, but he stopped himself just in time.

“Can you come by tomorrow? I’ll make sure not to have an urgent meeting,” Wooyoung tried.

“ _You’re going to make sure you don’t have an urgent meeting?_ ” he heard San laugh at the other side. “ _I don’t think tomorrow’s going to work for me. I have a night shift._ ”

“How about Thursday or Friday?”

“ _I don’t think I have time until the weekend. I have to check my schedule,_ ” Wooyoung heard muffled sounds on the other side again. Who was he with? “ _I’ll have to check. Can I call you back later?_ ”

He was with someone. Was this why he was this cheerily? Was this why he didn’t sound mad or worried? No, Wooyoung thought, pushing the thoughts away. He shouldn’t think badly of San. He felt at edge, knowing that San was going to hang up now and he couldn’t make things right. But he had already lost today. He should accept his defeat.

“Of course. I have to go back into the meeting now too,” Wooyoung said. He knew he sounded fake, but for some reason he didn’t care anymore about how he sounded. Everything in his body started to hurt as he let his guard down and the feelings of the situation started to flow free.

“ _I’ll speak to you soon, ok?_ ”

“I’m sorry San. I hate this.”

“ _I hate it too,_ ” he heard San say, his voice lower. “ _But I love you._ ”

“I love you too,” the words left his mouth sooner than he could think of them, like they were part of him and his identity. And they were, because loving San was the only thing he could hold onto. The only thing that he felt could ground him in this situation of despair that he so wished he would never have to be in.

They hung up and Wooyoung could feel the tears pricking behind his eyes. How could he doubt San and trust him at the same time? Why did those words he uttered to him, touch him to his core and make him shake like a little leaf? He was unruly in the hands and care of San and he was aware of it and it scared him. It scared him to be away from him and it scared him to be with him: because being with him was so unreal that he feared the imminent end of it or the possibility that it might have just been a fantasy and not reality at all.

Lying in his hospital bed made him fear for the latter, what if it was all a fantasy and life didn’t grant him this happiness after all?

Nayeon walked into the room again. Wooyoung watched her, with her phone pressed against her ear, talking to someone who most likely was their chief. She continued the call for a little while and Wooyoung looked around him, at the different people that were lying in the room. He heard a wailing sound coming from the other side, from a bed he could not see. It was most likely a patient that had just arrived and by the sound of her cries he could deduct that it was a child. Across from him lay an elderly patient who had an IV like him and who had a sling around his arm. He probably had a broken wrist, Wooyoung thought, seeing the thick bandage around his wrist.

Nayeon walked towards him. She mouthed that it was the chief and that he wanted to talk to him. He took the phone from her hand and brought it to his ear. In the meanwhile, he saw Nayeon mouthing to him that they had his bloodwork results and she put a thumbs-up to him, suggesting that they were alright. He might be leaving this evening after all.

“Officer Wooyoung, I’m glad to hear you’re finally awake.”

“ _Why don’t you come to my apartment?_ ”

The proposal San made, made Wooyoung stop in his tracks as he was readjusting the bottles of medication in the drawer of his desk. His apartment? So he had found a new place to live, he thought, as he placed down the medication he had picked up from the apothecary near the police department.

“Your apartment?”

“ _Yes, I am living downtown now, in Itaewon._ ”

“Itaewon?”

“ _I know, not the best place to live, but it’s close to my work. They have some reasonable apartment complexes here. So why don’t you come down here after work? It’s close to the station, you’ll be able to walk it._ ”

He had actually called him to invite him to his place and the thought of it filled him with so much joy, he had a hard time not to smile goofily in front of his computer.

“I’d love to come down after work,” he uttered.

“ _Great, what time do you get off from work? I’ll order us some food._ ”

“I’ll get off from work at 7,” Wooyoung said, before saying what was actually on his mind. “I don’t want food, I want you.”

“ _Come on, Wooyoung. Don’t make this difficult for me._ ”

“What?” Wooyoung said sarcastically while trying to refrain from laughing.

“ _I want you more than you could ever want me, just so you know that. The food is just a distraction so we don’t eat each other up before the night is over._ ”

“Just so _you_ know, I like to have my dessert before dinner.”

“ _…me too._ ”

“Now who is making it difficult for who?”

“ _I’ll take care of dinner and of dessert. I’m not going to make this difficult at all, trust me. You’ll see._ ”

When Wooyoung hung up, he stared at his desk in a daze as he tried to regain his focus on his job at hand. But it was difficult, the thought of being with San again occupying and clouding his mind. He was supposed to be working on this Terrorism Intervention class that he was going to give to the Special Operations Unit together with Seonghwa, but the call had caught him completely off guard. San had not called this weekend as he had suggested, but he had texted him that he would do so after the weekend. He had wanted him to call him, so he could hear his voice and they could finish what they had started, but he also knew that he was not in a position to make any demands. He was the one that had fucked up, not San.

That he’d call him today was unexpected, since it was a Monday and he had just come back to the job. Of course, chief Kang had forbidden him to come back to the job for the rest of the week when he had been hospitalized, and fighting against it would have been a lost cause. But he didn’t feel like fighting his chief on the mandatory rest, because he rather stayed low, to redirect the attention away from him. The more people knew about his hospitalization, the sooner the news would spread and the more likely it would be that San got to know about it. He was not entirely sure how many of his old colleagues in the squad were still in contact with him, but he thought he’d better be safe than sorry. For this cause, he had also asked his chief not to make his hospitalization common knowledge, and he could only trust on his word that he wouldn’t make it known.

It excited Wooyoung that San had caught him by surprise, that his hand was shaking a little before he had picked up the phone and that he had felt the need to close the door of his office to take the call in private. That he’d invite him to his home was more than he had anticipated and could have asked for. It was bold of San to take the reins into his own hands, but it also told Wooyoung that he wanted to be with him as bad as he wanted to be with San. He had been in doubt a little, because San had not called him in the weekend, but maybe this sneaky call of his was his way of letting him know, that he had several tricks up his sleeve to catch Wooyoung off guard. And oh, how he had caught him off guard, he realized, when he stood up and he felt tingles throughout his body as he fantasized about his night tonight in San’s new home. What would it look like? What would they do there?

Wooyoung walked to the door, ready to leave his office to get some lunch in the cafeteria, when suddenly his phone rang. Had San forgotten to tell him something? He retrieved the phone from his pocket and saw that it was not San, but Seonghwa. Surprised, he answered the phone.

“Hey Seonghwa, what’s up?”

“ _Hey Wooyoung! I’m glad you picked up, I thought you might be having lunch with your colleagues._ ”

“I was just about to go actually -”

“ _Why don’t you join me for lunch instead? I was thinking, we are having a meeting this afternoon anyway, why not have lunch together beforehand. Would you mind changing your plans for me last minute?_ ”

He didn’t exactly have plans for lunch, but he normally would eat together with Nayeon. And he had a feeling she was counting on him. But having lunch together with Seonghwa actually sounded like a welcome change. He wouldn’t have to be under the constant observance of his loving but concerned colleague.

“I could change my plans, sure. Where do you want to meet for lunch?”

“ _Great! I can come down to the police department and pick you up? That way I can park my car in the garage._ ”

“Sounds like a solid plan. What time can you make it here?”

“ _I’m around the corner actually. Just a few blocks away. 5 to 10 minutes max?_ ”

“Alright, I’ll wait outside in front.”

Wooyoung hung up on Seonghwa and walked back to his desk to pick up his satchel. He grabbed his coat from the coatrack and made his way out of his office. He knocked on Nayeon’s door and popped his head inside.

“Hey, my friend Seonghwa called, he asked to have lunch with me. I’ll join you for lunch tomorrow ok?” Wooyoung said.

Nayeon looked up from her desk with her eyebrows raised. “Oh, of course! Take it easy, alright. I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

“See you tomorrow,” he waved with his hand to tell her goodbye, before he walked down the hallway to leave the building.

“I don’t know what to think about it, actually,” Seonghwa said, as he twisted his fork in the pasta in front of him. They had decided to go to an Italian place down the street from the police department.

“Terrorism intervention with the use of soldiers sounds like a reasonable plan, but they’re not trained in the way we are. I know they want to make the most out of those miserable soldiers, but you know how they are, we’ve been in that position ourselves too. All I can remember from the army is cleaning up the barracks after another night of drinking and partying.”

Wooyoung smiled at Seonghwa. He didn’t have to make a comment to let him know how he thought about it. But it was fun to hear Seonghwa complain as well, him being the new commander.

“What?” Seonghwa said, looking around him to see if someone had heard them. “I know you have a more extreme opinion on the matter than me. I think you would even consider letting some of those high trained American soldiers do the job,” he wagged his finger at Wooyoung, “now that is an opinion I would never voice in front of my superiors.”

“Listen,” Wooyoung started, chewing hastily on another bite of his pasta to swallow it down. “The American soldiers thing is something I would only dare to say in my dreams, but truth be told, it is part of my ideas for solutions for the terrorism problem, them being more apt to respond in these situations. You know, they dare to use their guns. But,” he noticed the way Seonghwa looked at him and was more attentive to him. Wooyoung knew he had strong opinions, but he always thought it funny when he could shock his colleagues with them. “Since that idea is just a fantasy, I’ve given more thought to some of my other solutions. They’ve given me this job of an expert in the Task Force – I guess I better act the part don’t you think.”

“As you should. Now what other solutions are you thinking of? I’m curious,” Seonghwa asked, grabbing the pitcher with water to pour them both a glass.

“Train the soldiers in the military in the same manner they have always been trained – we have no use for them – so they should stop wasting time on bettering the system or making them more responsive to terrorist threats,” Wooyoung started. “Instead, focus on us, the police itself, and especially the special forces. Make the training more efficient, if we don’t want American soldiers, we still can be trained as them, so a sergeant from the American army would be very welcome.”

“Why do that?” Seonghwa looked at him questioningly. “Why use the Americans? You know how our society views them.”

“I know, but we are the police. We are above society, we rule society. We shouldn’t be concerned with the matters of the public. We are to protect them, even against themselves.”

Seonghwa raised his eyebrows and made a face, startled by his daring statement, although he did seem to agree with it.

“But you know why we need them?” Wooyoung leaned forward. “They have the experience. You know, 9-11. It left a scar on them. They responded to it in ways the world doesn’t wish to know. But they have been successful when it comes to intervention. That’s why, the Americans.”

Seonghwa breathed out and he picked up his fork. He nodded slowly, leaving no comment to Wooyoung’s statement, because there was no need. What Wooyoung said was the truth and they both knew it. Still, Wooyoung saw that Seonghwa’s face was scrunching up again, like he was thinking of a counter-argument or at least a critique on Wooyoung’s solution. But Wooyoung had already thought about the critique himself, when he had sat behind his desk and had written up his ideas for the subject of Terrorism Intervention for the Task Force.

“I know. They will not consider taking on an American. Not with the media coverage it would get, not with the problems this nation has been having with the US recently. Still, I do believe it would be a good solution.”

“So have you thought of other things then? Surely you must have,” Seonghwa said, snickering. He knew him too well, that he was a man that pondered too much.

“I have thought of more things, yes Seonghwa,” Wooyoung said, glaring at him from under his eyelashes as he took another bite. “Should I elaborate on that here though, wouldn’t a more private place be better? I mean, we’ve practically already started the meeting. Typical for a police man to continue working through lunch,” he said while laughing.

“You’re right, we should finish up and go somewhere else,” Seonghwa said, digging through his food. “I have an idea. Why don’t we go to the station? The guys would like it to see your face again.”

To the station? But certainly, that would bring back a lot of memories. Would that be a good idea? Why didn’t they just go back to the police department? He realized however that it would be weird to decline Seonghwa’s offer. How could he say that he didn’t want to go the station, that he didn’t want to see his old colleagues? Wooyoung knew he couldn’t say no.

“Yes, why not. We can go to the station,” Wooyoung said and a smile appeared on Seonghwa’s face.

“Let’s finish up and then head back to the police department to get my car.”

Entering the station felt strange and unsettling. If he ignored the memories of his time in the hospital and his subsequent resignation from the job in the Special Operations Unit, it would feel like just another day at the job as he entered the building. He even felt like he could walk down the hall to the gym and start his session and then after that go to the changing rooms to get into his tactical gear.

This was not his reality however. He could barely walk a kilometre on his feet before having to sit down to massage his lower leg and he could probably not bear the weight of the gun vest on his wounded chest. He didn’t want to think about how his shoulder made it impossible for him to hold a gun.

Watching Seonghwa enter the building and move through it in a relaxed manner reminded him of how different they now were from each other and he wondered, was it a mistake to come here after all?

“Do you want to see if the guys are here?” Seonghwa asked, removing his thick police jacket.

Wooyoung peered through the hallway which appeared empty. Did he want to see them now? He felt a nervous feeling coming over him and he looked at his feet.

“Are you ok Wooyoung?” Seonghwa said, stepping closer to him. He heard him inhale deeply, like he was sighing, but in a manner that suggested he understood what position he had put him in. “Is it… a bit too much?”

“No, it’s ok,” Wooyoung said, looking up at Seonghwa and trying to make it seem like it was not a big deal. Seonghwa looked at him in concern. “It’s just been awhile. It feels… like I have just been on a long vacation. This here feels like home.”

“It still is home, Wooyoung,” Seonghwa said as he carefully placed a hand on his shoulder. Wooyoung glanced at it in surprise. He tried to hide his befuddlement from Seonghwa. “You can always come down here, you should know that you are always welcome in this place.”

“Thanks Seonghwa,” Wooyoung said, looking up at him.

“Of course,” Seonghwa smiled in a meaningful manner and Wooyoung wondered why he was being so kind towards him. Seonghwa had always been a good friend of him, but he had noticed how he had been taking care of him and had made an extra effort for him in the last few months. He appreciated it a lot, but somehow he felt like there was something off about it. Wooyoung felt like he didn’t deserve his kindness.

“We’ll go see the boys later, let’s show you my office first and get some things on paper, shall we?” 

“Yes, let’s do that,” Wooyoung said. He liked that Seonghwa could at least sense when he was not entirely feeling at ease.

Seonghwa walked in front of him through the recognizable hallways and when they stopped at an office, Wooyoung realized that Seonghwa was now in San’s old office. Without having any control over it, he felt the heat rushing to his cheeks as he remembered the things that had happened in that office and they weren’t particularly nice memories. He had had unpleasant conversations with San in there and you could even say they had had fights in there. He breathed a sigh of relief when Seonghwa told him he was just going to drop of his jacket there and get his laptop so they could sit in the little conference room where they used to have briefings.

He waited for Seonghwa to retrieve his things from San’s old office, in the meanwhile hoping his red face would have disappeared. Seonghwa locked the door to his office and then they walked down the hallway and down the other hallway, where they reached the conference room.

“This room has been in plenty of use the last couple of months,” Seonghwa said, as he turned on the lights. “They tell us to sit in a sort of circle and every time we have to readjust these tables to make it work for the amount of people we have in this room,” Seonghwa sighed as he placed his laptop on top of one of the tables and started adjusting the tables in a way that was breaking the circle, but was creating a little corner for the two of them in which they could converse more easily. “I don’t like having to drag these tables across the room all the goddamn time though.”

Wooyoung wanted to give him a hand, but his shoulder was going to protest against that. Still he grabbed a table by the edge and pulled it towards him.

“No, Wooyoung, sit down, let me do it,” Seonghwa placed a hand over Wooyoung his hand and startled, Wooyoung backed away and went to sit down. He probably wouldn’t have stopped immediately, if it wasn’t for that look in Seonghwa’s eyes and the way he had placed his hand on top of his, which had caught him off guard. There was something about it, but Wooyoung tried to ignore it as he sat down in the little corner of tables Seonghwa had created.

“You want me to get some coffee for us?” Seonghwa asked, pushing in one of the chairs beside him.

“No, I’m ok, let’s get this out of the way first and then have a little break. Maybe we can join the others.”

“Yes, that would be a good idea,” he saw the careful smile that formed around Seonghwa’s lips. He went to sit down next to him, leaning back to face him. “So tell me, what was this other solution you have thought of?”

“Right, I was going to tell you about my other solution,” Wooyoung said. He noticed that Seonghwa had crossed his arms in front of him and his laptop remained closed on top of the table. He was not going to write down anything yet.

“If I would make any suggestions to the Police Department, I would tell them that we need to revise our weaponry.”

“Our guns? That’s interesting. What do we need to change according to you?”

Wooyoung leaned forward and placed his elbow on the table to lean his head against it. “Well, when I was in that building, making use of my rifle was only effective because it has such a high rate of fire. But it made it harder to move through the building unseen. More importantly, I was not the only one with a K2. Those bastards were using them as well.”

“It’s the most common rifle in Korea, so yeah it is easier to come by them. But they are effective, you must agree on that. American rifles can’t really compete with our assault rifles.”

“You know, opinions differ when it comes to our rifles. But that’s not really what I’m getting at.”

“So what is it then? What weapon do you suggest for us to use?”

“The best weapon there is. It will help both in intervention and prevention,” he saw that Seonghwa had caught on before he had said it.

“Infiltration,” Seonghwa finished his train of thought. He started nodding and then shaking his head. “And I suppose you are the one to do the infiltration?”

“Well, I’m the expert after all,” Wooyoung said with a big smile on his face while leaning back into his chair and crossing his arms.

“You’re kidding right?” Seonghwa said, furrowing his brows. “I mean… You wouldn’t be able to do the field work…”

“Oh, so even my friend doesn’t believe in me then?” Wooyoung said sarcastically. He wasn’t actually upset about Seonghwa’s comment, but he was a little sad about how quickly Seonghwa disregarded his idea.

“No, that’s not what I meant I -” 

“Don’t worry Seonghwa, I don’t mean for me to infiltrate, I know how silly that idea is.”

“If I’m being honest, I think you could do it, had the circumstances been different,” Seonghwa said.

Wooyoung didn’t know how to respond to that. Because what if he was the right person for such a job? It would be foolish to give it any thought, because it would never be a reality.

“You know what. It’s a great solution. I think it is one that we should really start considering in the Task Force. It would be hard to believe they haven’t thought about it as well,” Seonghwa said. “But I was curious when you mentioned our weaponry, because that is actually something they have started improving on already.”

“They have?” Wooyoung’s interest was piqued.

Seonghwa brought his thumb up to his mouth and he bit down on his nail. “They have. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to tell you this, but fuck it. You’re part of the Task Force.”

“Tell me what?” now Wooyoung was genuinely interested.

“Actually,” Seonghwa said as he started to stand up, “I think I’m just going to show you. Come on.”

Seonghwa gestured for Wooyoung to follow him and intrigued Wooyoung went to walk behind Seonghwa who led him to the other side of the building where the gym was. He realized that they were going to the room with all the gear and he figured out what Seonghwa was going to show him.

When he opened the door in the back of the gear room, that he unlocked with a special looking key that he retrieved from a little pocket in his police jeans, a dark room greeted them. Seonghwa stepped inside and he traced his hand over the wall beside the door to find a light-switch. The TL light turned on with flickers and the room was revealed.

Wooyoung held his breath, before he breathed out slow and controlled. The view before him was overwhelming and exciting all at once. Right in front of him he saw a stand with rows and rows of rifles. On the right side of the room there was a stand with different handguns and rows of stacked magazines. On the left side he could make out the collection of grenades and a range of artillery ammunition, with all the gadgets and accessories one could need. Wooyoung was dumbstruck. This was not how he had left behind his job at the Special Operations Unit.

“Fuck,” Wooyoung breathed out.

“Yeah…” Seonghwa whispered, before he closed the door behind them.

Wooyoung walked into the room and gravitated towards the rack with the handguns on display. He let his hand travel over the shining metal of the bodies and over the polished barrels. He saw SIG’s and Glock’s and Smith and Wesson’s. He was used to using the SIG’s in the squad, but he hadn’t seen so much variety in their safes when he still worked here.

His hand travelled over the different guns, until he saw it. He swallowed hard. They had CZ Shadow 2 in their collection.

Seonghwa went to stand behind him. “It’s a beauty isn’t it. Go ahead, pick it up.”

“It’s a work of art,” Wooyoung said softly as he picked up the gun. He closed his mouth quickly as saliva was nearly dripping from his mouth and he swallowed.

He had never seen this gun before, at least not in 3D like this. It was a European gun, made in the Czech Republic, which was written on the barrel of the gun. He noticed how heavy it was, even though the gun looked quite slick and light. The gun lay easy in his hand and it had a nice grip, his fingers curling around it comfortably. Along the barrel, the words _Shadow 2_ were written in a kind of nineties action-movie font.

Without considering the range of movement of his shoulder, Wooyoung raised the gun in front of him, straightening both his arms and cupping his right hand with his left hand to support the gun. Immediately pain went shooting up his arm, but he ignored it with every cell of his body. He tried to focus and look through the barrel, as if he was aiming at something in the distance. Strangely enough, the blurry vision made him see things that weren’t there. He saw an opponent in front of him, a silhouette of a man of whom he couldn’t discern his face. But he was fully decked out in black, a black mask covering his face and a black hat covering his eyes. A wave of feelings came over him as he remembered the day he had used his gun to take out multiple men. The day he had full control. Wooyoung let his finger glide over the trigger.

“It’s actually a beautiful gun to shoot with on the shooting range,” Seonghwa said. He wasn’t aware how close Seonghwa had come to stand beside him and he felt his breath on his neck. “I’d give it to you if I could.”

Wooyoung smiled. He lowered the gun, his shoulder aching from straightening his arm in front of him.

“You can,” Wooyoung said, looking over his shoulder and meeting Seonghwa’s piercing eyes.

“I’m not like him.”

“Like who?”

“I’m not taking any risks,” Seonghwa said.

For a moment Wooyoung was confused. He was almost certain that Seonghwa had mentioned San just now, but he soon realized he had heard the words only in his head and not coming out of Seonghwa’s mouth. His mind had travelled to the old days, when San was still commander, and knowing him he knew he would have abused his position to give Wooyoung the gun. He should have realized that Commander Seonghwa was a completely different person. He wouldn’t risk his position for his friend Wooyoung, and that was how it was supposed to be.

“Of course, I was just fooling around,” Wooyoung laughed a little nervously. “But it would sure be nice to have ownership of this gun.”

He placed the gun back on the rack where he had picked it up from, letting it slide from his hand slowly, as if he wanted to memorize the touch of it as best he could. “I don’t get why you have it in the collection though, it is not used for military purposes, let alone police operations.”

“Yes, I’m afraid there isn’t really an overall cohesion between these guns,” Seonghwa said, while following the movement of Wooyoung’s hands. “They have given us a collection of guns that have been proven to be some of the best guns and artillery among the world. The police department said, and I quote, ‘discover what works best for the unit and we will supply’. Basically they have given us the liberty to choose what we want to work with.”

Wooyoung felt a jealousy that he wished he could push to the back of his mind. They had given them the best of the best to do whatever they wished to do with? Only after the terrorist attacks had happened and they had been working with the same guns and rifles for the past three years? Wooyoung was pissed, he could feel the heat crawling up his neck, just knowing that he had missed this chance of working with some of the best weaponry in the world, because the police department had only decided to give them to the squad after the worst terrorist attack the country had ever seen. Wooyoung fantasized about the things he could have done with them, the things he could have taught the squad based on his marksmanship skills that he had been known so well for in the army. This was some proper bullshit, Wooyoung thought, and he hoped Seonghwa had also realized this.

“Oh, and they have decided this now? After the fact?”

“I know, it should have been done earlier. But you know how the police works in this country. I wouldn’t have been able to convince them beforehand and neither would you have.”

“You think?” Wooyoung heard the arrogance in his own voice.

“Wooyoung, they wouldn’t have listened to you. That you have done them a service makes them treat you like you’re something special. You know more than I do that that is just their way of keeping you under their control and in their team.” 

“They should see me on the field sometimes and then they would regret not giving me these guns,” Wooyoung spoke more in general than directed towards Seonghwa and he walked through the rest of the room to have a look at the weaponry, suggesting that he didn’t want to argue further on it.

Seonghwa remained silent as he followed him. Clearly he had noticed how Wooyoung felt about all of this. There was regret, jealousy and there was hatred. But there was also admiration. He hoped Seongwa had realized that for Wooyoung the day of the terrorist attack felt like just a few days ago instead of the many months that had already past. For Wooyoung it was normal to feel this way, because every day he woke up, walked to his bathroom and looked in the mirror, he was reminded of that day and what it had done to him. What it had taken from him.

The gun used to be an extension of him, a part of him. Now it lay here, guarded and locked away in a fault that he didn’t have the key to. It was how Wooyoung felt sometimes. Like his dreams and longings were locked away from him, unable for him to reach with his bare hands.

He just hadn’t figured out yet where to find the key.

Coming home from work had never felt like such a big relief before. Most of the time he was so exhausted that he just crashed in front of his TV and he just managed to pop a microwave meal in the microwave so he would at least get some food in his stomach. He would spend the night alone, his thoughts haunting him with memories of his hospitalization and with the dire situation of his current job.

Tonight he would not have to be lonely, a fact that made him rush to his apartment as quick as he could and get under the shower without as many complaints as usual.

It was nice to speak with Mingi and Jongho, who were the only two present in the coffee room when he and Seonghwa went there for a coffee break. But he had also been glad when Seonghwa brought him back to the Police Department to finish his tasks for the day without further strain on his mind.

Showering was still a task for him, but he managed to focus on the good parts about it: he would smell like fresh cut flowers, he would be shaven clean and his skin would feel soft again. He tried to ignore the scarring and discolouration with all his might.

Dressing himself in casual but professional clothing made him feel better about himself, especially when he could finally cover up the inflammation on his chest that was still swelling red. He would be the man he wanted to be tonight, for himself and for San.

He picked up a cologne on his desk that was a little musky and smelled like pine trees. He liked the smell of the woods, it reminded him of his latter days in the army, some of which he had the best memories of. He might be living in a city covered in smog, he always longed to be out in the countryside, in the quiet where he could be with his best friends and his family. He dabbed the perfume on both his wrists and carefully he brushed his right wrist over both sides of his neck. He let it sit there for a bit before he buttoned up his blouse and cuffs.

Walking back into the bathroom he grabbed his comb to comb back his hair and model it in a slicked-back style. He thought about changing his earrings, but he remembered how such things could get in the way and he settled for the little studs already in his ears. He noticed how tired he looked, how the circles under his eyes left a dark shadow, but taking in his full reflection he thought he looked rather nice and put together. He wanted to let himself believe only he would notice how tired he looked and that others would see a man who took care of himself.

Instead of taking the car, he was going to take public transport to get to San tonight, like San had suggested. San didn’t live in his uptown Gangnam apartment anymore, a place which he had many memories of. He thought about how it was better that he didn’t visit it after his time in the hospital. It would fuck with him, knowing that he made San give that place up for him.

San now lived in a place in Itaewon, a district he didn’t frequent because of its busy night life and amount of tourists. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been there to meet up with someone, so he used his Kakao metro app on his phone to look up what line he had to take from Gangnam station. It was not far and looking at the clock, he figured if he left now he would be at San’s apartment by 8:15.

He grabbed his coat and his phone and checking if he had all his cards in his wallet, he searched for his key to get out of the door.

He felt the nerves building up when he entered the station, knowing that now it wouldn’t take that long anymore before he got to see San. He remembered his short stay at the hospital and he cringed at the thought, knowing that he could have seen him earlier if he hadn’t been so reckless. Taking pills for the pain should not be an issue, but taking matters into his own hands which the doctors had warned him not to do, had resulted in the worst punishment he could think of. He shouldn’t take any risks anymore, Wooyoung had decided. He was going to take the medicine as they were prescribed by his doctors and he was going to take physiotherapy sessions according to schedule. The pain that remained was just something he had to accept. And accept it he would with the promise of seeing San. 

Arriving at Itaewon station, he searched for a route on Kakao maps to get to San’s apartment. As he had told him, it wasn’t a long walk from the station, he just had to be careful to take the back alley instead of walking to the front of the complex. Nightlife was already bustling as he walked through the streets of Itaewon, the cafés and restaurants full of people gorging away their meal while still in their day job suits. He was glad he was not meeting San in any of these packed places, he valued being alone with San too much for that. Besides, he would have to stare at him without being able to touch him. It sounded like torture to him.

The apartment complex was big and if it wasn’t for San’s explanation on how to get there, he would have probably been wondering around looking for an entrance. He stepped inside the building, the door heavy in his hand. There were no sliding doors that opened up automatically. The hallway was empty and dark and above the elevator there was a harsh light that illuminated his way towards it. Stepping into it, the elevator was stale and dirty, and a mirror showed his reflection. San’s apartment was on the third floor. Looking in the mirror he felt his heart starting to race. He moved his hand through his hair, slicking it back, making sure he looked alright.

The elevator doors opened and Wooyoung walked out into the hallway. Number 312 was San’s apartment. He looked briefly at the numbers on the door in front of him and then turned right to walk towards his door. Breathing out, he pressed the doorbell.

The door opened, and San greeted him with this smile of him that he had missed for so many months. It felt like they were meeting each other all over again, like their violent lovemaking hadn’t happened just a week ago. San was wearing a black fitted jeans and a black blouse that he had tucked inside his jeans. It made his waist look snatched. His blouse was open at the top, revealing the same thick chain he wore last time and his collarbones that were prominent. He noticed the discolouration near his left collarbone and he felt the urge to step forward and let his tongue brush over it.

“You’re finally here,” San breathed, stepping back to make room for Wooyoung to enter the apartment.

The warmth encompassed him immediately, or maybe, Wooyoung thought as San closed the door and suddenly was standing so close to him, he was just overwhelmed by being in his presence again.

San moved to stand in front of Wooyoung and without asking, he pulled down the zipper of his padded jacket. Wooyoung stood frozen, taking in every bit of San’s movements, as he slipped his hands underneath his coat and over his shoulders to take it off of him. He felt his breath on his skin, which was calm and controlled and for a moment he felt like pushing San up against the wall behind him and placing his hands on his waist that looked so beautiful.

Wooyoung let San get his coat off for him. “I’ve waited for this all day,” Wooyoung whispered.

San grabbed his coat as it slid off his shoulders and he went to hang it up on a coatrack behind him. He wanted to embrace San, he wanted his hands on his face and on his body. Why didn’t he just do it?

“Hey, I said I’ve waited all day,” Wooyoung turned around to face San and he slipped an arm around his waist to pull him closer. San looked up at him as he placed a hand softly around his neck to steady him. He stared down into his eyes. The way he looked at him made him weak at the knees. It took San to trace his thumb under his jaw to finish his sentence. “To do this,” Wooyoung said and he leaned forward to press his lips against those of San. San welcomed his kiss, parting his lips eagerly to trace his tongue over their lips and to enter Wooyoung’s mouth as he rolled his hips into Wooyoung’s body. 

His kiss was soft and heated like he had remembered and he didn’t want it to stop. How was he going to stop his hand from massaging San’s side anyway while his tongue was moving around in his mouth so eagerly he would almost believe he wanted him more than he did?

“Keep saying these kind of things and I won’t be able to get through another day without your touch,” San said as he pulled back.

“You won’t have to,” Wooyoung said, pulling him back in a semi-embrace. “Give me another taste,” he placed his lips back on San’s lips.

They kissed in an impatient manner and he felt how San started pulling his blouse from the back of his pants. His hand slipped under his jeans and landed on his butt cheek, and he started squeezing it. A low groan left his lips as he was losing himself in the kiss and he let San take control.

“I’m supposed to be showing you my apartment,” San put his head on Wooyoung’s shoulder. “Why are you always making it so hard for me to focus.”

“If I can make you hard at every inopportune moment of the day,” Wooyoung placed a kiss in San’s neck, “you know I would do it.”

“Hmmm,” San hummed, making it seem like he was not complaining at all. “You smell nice,” he finally said, pulling back from their embrace that had held on for longer than they had both realized. San stepped back, which Wooyoung made difficult for him, because he still had a firm grip around San’s waist. A smile appeared around San’s lips. “You have made yourself look all pretty for me,” he said while looking him up and down.

Wooyoung shyly showed San a smile. It was so different when San complimented him. His words alone could make him lose all sense of reality. 

“Come on,” San said, grabbing Wooyoung’s hand that was lingering on his waist and holding it to pull him with him. “I’ll show you my humble abode.”

The little hallway had two doors, one of which San told him was just there to hide a storage space for his cleaning supplies and for the boiler. He opened the door to the living room that looked quite messy as Wooyoung immediately noticed.

“I haven’t been here for long, I have still a lot of unpacking to do. Those boxes contain a bunch of my books,” San said.

“You left a lot of your books in your old office as well,” Wooyoung said. “I was distracted when you visited me there, so I forgot to tell you to take them with you.”

“I’m sure there will be another time when I can come pick them up,” San said with a wink. Wooyoung held his breath. “In the meantime you can make use of them if you want to.”

“I will. There is some interesting stuff in there,” Wooyoung said. “Interesting stuff for an interesting man.”

“Let’s say I’m born curious,” San said pulling him towards the open kitchen where he let go of his hand. “But you showed me that there is something more interesting than just being curious. You act out on your curiosity. You dare to take the leap. It made me choose you.”

“I chose you,” Wooyoung said. “Not the other way around.”

“I guess that’s right,” San said carefully. “Maybe that’s why I’m with you. You’re so determinant, I could only dream of achieving what you possess so naturally.”

“Stop complimenting me.”

“It’s not a compliment.”

“Then what is it?”

“It’s me telling you what I’m afraid of, what I wish I didn’t need, but know I can’t live without.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying I can’t live without you, silly.”

Wooyoung swallowed as San broke eye-contact to open the fridge. “Do you want something to drink?”

He wanted to tell San that he couldn’t just say such things like that and leave it at that. But Wooyoung didn’t know how he was going to respond to what he said or what he had meant with it. He couldn’t live without him… But surely it was the other way around. Or maybe Wooyoung had actually found himself in a position where the love he felt for someone was just as strong in return. It frightened him.

“Do you have some white wine?”

“I have,” San said, peering into the fridge. “Do you want me to join you?”

“Of course,” Wooyoung walked to a cabinet and opened it to find two glasses. He found some in the cabinet above the sink and he gave them to San who placed them on top of the counter. He popped the cork from the bottle of white wine he had just retrieved from the fridge and he poured them both a glass and Wooyoung thought of how elegant San looked while doing that, he imagined how he would be a great bartender. He also felt the immediate surge of jealousy as he realized how many people would hit on him if he were to work in a bar like that, with those clothes on and with that figure of his, not to mention his angelic face. Deducting from the bruised hands he had caressed him with when they had been together a week ago, he could reassure himself that he surely wouldn’t be working in a place where he needed his hands on show to pour drinks.

Placing the bottle back in the fridge, San grabbed the glasses filled with wine from the counter and gave one to Wooyoung. He clinked their glasses while staring into his eyes.

“To my love,” San said.

“And to mine,” Wooyoung answered.

Wooyoung took a gulp of the drink but he didn’t swallow. He watched as San took a sip and when he removed the glass from his lips, Wooyoung stepped forward to grab the glass from his hand. He placed both their glasses back on the countertop. He saw the way San was looking at him curiously, before Wooyoung grabbed his chin and forced him to open his mouth a little. He placed his mouth on San’s open mouth and he let the drink travel from his own mouth to that of San. Without realizing it, Wooyoung had placed his other hand on San’s neck and he felt how his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down as he swallowed. San was out of breath, before he spoke in a manner that could only be considered as filthy.

“Fuck my mouth, Wooyoung,” Wooyoung had his hand wrapped around San’s neck and he realized how horny he had become. He just couldn’t help himself. The way San was speaking to him made him lose himself involuntarily. How could he speak that way to him and not think he would respond it?

“Are you for real? Be careful of what you’re proposing San,” Wooyoung breathed over his open mouth.

“I said what I said,” San’s hand grabbed the waistband of Wooyoung’s jeans and Wooyoung noticed how close they were. In his little game, he had pushed San against the counter, eliminating the distance between them.

“Right now?” Wooyoung said in a low voice. His horny thoughts taking over.

San pushed him back. “No,” he said, placing his hands on Wooyoung’s belly. Wooyoung looked at him through half-closed eyes. He had lost his self-control and his vision was fogging up with thoughts of sex. He should have known San was going to make him sweat. His hands on his belly created tingles deep in his gut. “I haven’t shown you the rest of the apartment yet.”

“I don’t need to see the whole apartment to make you gag,” Wooyoung said while staring down into San’s eyes. 

“You do,” San pushed Wooyoung back, making him snap out of his lustful thoughts. But he had seen the look in San’s eyes. A look of shameful excitement.

Wooyoung walked behind San who opened a door that showed his bathroom. While walking he pulled at the fabric around his crotch. His dick had already responded to their little make-out session and he could feel that it was half hard in his jeans.

“A bathtub,” Wooyoung remarked.

“Didn’t I tell you that you needed to see the rest of the apartment?” San’s eyes spoke volumes and Wooyoung’s eyes rolled back into his head imagining how he would take San in shallow water in the bathtub.

San closed the door and turned to the door opposite from it. Behind it was San’s bedroom. The room was dark, with walls painted dark green. He had hung up fairy lights that illuminated the room and gave it a dreamy atmosphere. The bedsheets were silk black and Wooyoung wanted to lie in it and bury his head in the softness of it.

“Did you think about how you would get stains out of these bedsheets?”

“You think a lot of yourself, to think that I’d let you ruin my sheets,” San said.

“I thought we were going to have a sleepover…”

“I didn’t mention anything about sleeping.”

How long were they going to keep this up? Wooyoung entered the room and let his hand touch the silk. He didn’t have to look behind him to know that San was looking at him, and there was nothing that he enjoyed more than having San look at him. Was he starting to get hard in his pants like him from all this dirty talk?

He felt that San came to stand behind him and he felt how he was tucking his shirt back into his pants. He wove his arms around his waist and pulled him closer to him. He heard him sigh into his neck and he wondered why he had suddenly become so quiet.

“I want to have a talk with you, Wooyoung,” San said.

Wooyoung jerked his head back, in a failed attempt to look at San’s face. A talk? His tone was quite serious and for a moment he feared what he could mean with a talk.

“A talk?” Wooyoung stuttered.

“Yes,” San said. “We haven’t really talked yet.”

“You’re not going to tell me to leave are you?” Wooyoung didn’t want to be insecure, but when it came to San, it felt like he could wake up from a daydream anytime. Because how on earth could such a beautiful man ever come to love him?

“I would never leave you, don’t say such things to me,” San squeezed his arms around him, pulling him closer to his body. “I just want to talk with you about some things that are on my mind. I want to confide in you.”

His tone changed and Wooyoung suddenly felt a feeling of relief come over him. San wanted to talk with him. Wasn’t that just the most wonderful feeling in the world? He should stop being so insecure about their relationship. He knew it wasn’t perfect, but they were going to make it work, weren’t they?

“Then confide in me,” Wooyoung said, placing his hands on top of those of San.

“Let’s go into the living room and get our glasses of wine then,” San whispered before removing his hands from around his waist.

Why was he whispering?

Wooyoung followed him into the living room and he went to sit down on the couch. It was a different couch from the one he had in his old apartment, but he could sit comfortably on it and lean back into the pillows. San retrieved the glasses of wine from the counter in the kitchen and went to sit next to Wooyoung before giving him one of the glasses.

“What do you want to talk about?” Wooyoung asked, feeling his heart racing in his throat. He took a big gulp from his glass of wine before he placed it on the little coffee table.

San looked at his fingernails that he had curled around the glass of wine. “Did you enjoy being together with me last time?” San asked carefully.

Wooyoung waited for San to continue, he was not sure whether this was all that he was going to ask. But when his eyes met his, he figured that this was all that he was asking for now. “Is that really a question?”

“I want to know if you enjoyed it, Wooyoung,” San asked again.

“Oh wait I get it,” Wooyoung said, as he realized what San was hinting at. For a moment he was scared that San knew he had been in the hospital, from the toll the sex had taken on his body. But if San knew about that, he wouldn’t be sitting here. San would not come near him again if he knew that he had been responsible for causing Wooyoung to be in pain. Wooyoung thought about how he could tell San that pain was never going to keep him away from him. “You’re asking if the pain was worth the pleasure. Well there’s a simple answer to that: it’s always worth it.”

“Does it hurt bad?” San asked.

“It doesn’t hurt as bad as the early days. But you know I couldn’t really move back then. I can move right now and the physiotherapist suggested for me to move more, so don’t bring up that argument,” Wooyoung brought the glass back to his lips and took another swig.

“I’m not going to argue with anyone,” San said.

Why was he asking this? Was it because… He had cancelled on him last time? But of course, Wooyoung thought. He hadn’t thought about how it could look like to someone who wasn’t aware of the situation. If they had actually had an emergency meeting, he could have at least called before 7.

“I didn’t mean to cancel on you so late,” Wooyoung said, leaning forward. “It was never because I didn’t want to be with you.”

“I don’t know, I thought, maybe I had just went a bit hard on you for that first time,” San said, looking down at his hands with the glass of wine squeezed between them.

Alarmed by his comment, Wooyoung went to grab San’s hands. “What, are you kidding me? You know I asked you to do that. And it wasn’t our first time,” he saw that San was still unsure. “Look,” Wooyoung started, “that night I was worthless, ok. I beat myself up because I had wasted my chance of seeing you. I had been anticipating that night all day and I fucked it up. I want to be with you. Don’t take that away from me, San.”

“I’m sorry, I just thought I had fucked things up by being too eager,” San said.

“I thought I was the one who was always too eager,” Wooyoung tried, bringing his hand up to his mouth in a contemplative manner. But he turned serious again quickly. “Please don’t worry about these kind of things. I don’t want you to second guess yourself when it comes to being with me.”

San grinned. “Well you should know by now that I take too many liberties.”

Wooyoung stared at San, trying to understand what he said.

“I am starting to realize those things now,” San said while leaning back in a more relaxed manner. “I wish I could hold myself back when I’m with you, but I’m afraid I can’t. Does that bother you?”

“Does that bother me? No, it doesn’t,” Wooyoung said.

“It doesn’t bother you when I take it too far?” San asked, almost mocking him. “It should, Wooyoung, you know it should,” he covered his eyes as he dropped his head, shaking his head slowly. Under his breath, he said, “You’re dressed so beautifully tonight, but I can only think of what you look like underneath it.”

Did Wooyoung hear that correctly? Was he already going to be worrying again about the state his body was in? He decided to ignore his last comment. “I am the one deciding whether you take it too far. You’re not going to make that decision for me,” Wooyoung said. Why was San pressing the matter so much? He didn’t want San to feel so tortured over this, but at the same time, he was sick of hearing about how his body failed to live up to this perfect fantasy of them being together like a normal couple.

San leaned forward. “These hands,” he showed his hands quite theatrically to Wooyoung, “I’m scared of what they’ll do to you. But I can’t help myself, I can’t help myself, Wooyoung.”

There was no point in arguing with San over this. He wondered how he could make him feel less guilty towards Wooyoung, less tortured over this nature of his. He did the only thing he thought he could do and scooted forward to embrace San and place his head in the crook of his neck. He wasn’t going to let his insecurity get the better of him and ruin this situation for him.

“I know you can’t help it San. But I want to be with you. I don’t care what you do to me. I want us to be together,” Wooyoung pleaded with San, he knew that, but he didn’t know any other way of convincing him than by telling him that he really wanted this. He placed a kiss in San’s neck and slid his arms around his back to pull him closer to him. “Please, let me be with you.”

“I’ll let you be with me, Wooyoung, don’t worry,” San whispered into his ear. “I want us to be together too. I just have one condition though.”

Wooyoung pulled back carefully to look San in his eyes.

“Anything,” Wooyoung exhaled.

“I don’t want to lose control with you anymore. It fucks with my head to see myself lose control with you. There’s only one way we can make this work,” San said. Wooyoung heard the shakiness in his voice. “You’ll have to control me.”

“Control you? Do you mean…” Wooyoung was at a loss for words.

“In the simplest meaning of the word. Control me.”

Wooyoung understood exactly what San was saying. He didn’t want to admit it so soon, because the thought of it and what it would mean for their relationship made Wooyoung tremble. But seeing how serious San was about it, there was no point in denying what San was alluding to. “We… We have never done anything like that before. I have never done anything like that to you before.”

“I trust you, Wooyoung. Completely.”

He could see in his eyes that he did. Yet he could also see how terrified he was at the idea of losing control. It blew Wooyoung’s mind how San had come up with the idea to let Wooyoung control him, when that was the one thing he was so obsessive about. But deep down inside of him, Wooyoung felt a primal urge for the thing that San proposed to him. 

Control him. San was asking him to control him which meant that he was asking him to take away his ability to do whatever he wanted to do and to limit his tendency of overpowering him. But he realized that he was asking so much more than that: he was asking him to take away his ability to move around, to deny him his taste of pleasure and maybe even to deprive him of his autonomy over his own body. His mind went to all the ways he could control him: he could take away his sight, he could take away his speech. He was ashamed to admit to himself that these thoughts turned him on. 

“You know I would fuck you hard on that bathroom floor if you didn’t protest,” San’s head cocked to the side and Wooyoung was surprised how quickly he had recovered himself. Just now he had seen a boy that was shaking in his boots.

“Well I would let you,” Wooyoung said, retrieving his glass from the coffee table and taking a sip.

San couldn’t help but to smile. “I’m not going to lie and say that it has not been on my mind, since the moment you have stepped inside this apartment,” he cleared his throat, as if to bring him back to reality, “but I’m not going to do that today.”

“So you’re asking me to do, what? Make you lose control? Lose your own autonomy?” Wooyoung asked, slightly nervous himself.

“I would like you to do that, yes,” San reiterated. Still, he could hear the lingering nerves behind his pretend confidence.

“How?” Wooyoung asked. It sounded kind of stupid, but he was clueless to this new game San had asked him to play.

“It doesn’t matter how,” San replied. “All I want to know is that you want this too. I need to know this if I want to be together with you. I cannot trust myself otherwise.”

San searched Wooyoung’s eyes. “Do you want to try this out with me?”

Swigging the drink, Wooyoung placed the glass back on the table. What San had just suggested to him, blew him away and he wasn’t quite sure if he was ready for this. But if it meant he could be together with San, he would do anything.

“As long as we can be together San.”

Kissing San felt like the easiest and yet most exciting thing to do. Their lips were meant to be on each other. The nerves in his lips felt like they were on fire.

San had not asked him to remove his clothes, he had not asked him to do anything, except for taking him to his bedroom.

He had wanted to touch the silk bedding and lie on it the entire evening, and pressing his hand in the soft sheets on top of San’s folded hand made a crisp sound like he had imagined it would sound. He had went to sit down on the bed, pulling himself towards the centre, so as to make room for San to sit next to him. He had pulled him towards him immediately, his hand around his neck to place his lips quicker on his. San had steadied himself by placing a hand beside him and Wooyoung had felt the need to hold him completely, that every part of them was connected.

He wanted to lie down, and so he did, automatically pulling San with him as he didn’t leave his mouth. San loomed over him as he steadied himself on one arm and the other was still in Wooyoung’s firm grasp.

Maybe it was the smooth, silk bedding, that had felt so fresh and clean against his skin, that made him feel serene and happy with the situation. Maybe it was the dim lit room, that created a certain atmosphere of calm and comfort. He didn’t exactly know what it was, but Wooyoung felt like he could do this forever. That he could explore San’s mouth for all eternity, while he explored his mouth with his silver tongue that managed to make this amazing sound as it slid in and out of his mouth. 

They moved around and Wooyoung suddenly felt the need to lie on top of San, and while he did so he noticed how San’s clothing was starting to get in the way incredibly. He slid his hand under his half open blouse and brushed his cold fingertips over San’s chest, and he soon found his nipple. He could hear San protest as he moaned into his mouth, and he felt him tremble under his cold hand as the sudden skin-on-skin touch surprised him. Wooyoung felt tingles in his stomach, hearing San moan and move under his touch in the way he did. He wanted more of it and he moved his hand from under his blouse so he could find the little buttons of his blouse to unbutton them. Small moans escaped San’s lips as Wooyoung pulled his shirt further away from him and exposing his skin more and more on the way. When he finally pulled back his shirt to reveal his chest, Wooyoung placed his hand on his lower abdomen.

San trembled in his hands and the sound he made sounded almost like whining. Wooyoung loved hearing it. He could not hold back the smile that was forming around his lips. 

“Don’t laugh at me, you jerk,” San groaned.

“Laugh at you?” Wooyoung said quasi-surprised while pulling back from their kiss. “No, I’m just admiring you.” 

“Are you?” San looked up into his eyes.

“Always,” Wooyoung said, while he perched himself up on one arm so he could finish what he was doing and pull San’s blouse entirely from his pants. Wooyoung could see that his chest was still bruised, but it was more vague than the last time he had seen it. He still wondered where he had gotten them, but he had promised he wasn’t going to ask questions.

Wooyoung moved his face down so he could press little kisses on his San’s naked body. As soon as he had done so, he felt San’s hands scratching at his back, trying to make him stop.

“Fuck, don’t do that Wooyoung,” San almost said angrily.

“Why not,” Wooyoung asked, without stopping. “Doesn’t it turn you on?” 

“It does,” San said. “I want you to stop before you take it too far.”

Wooyoung let his mouth travel to his lower abdomen and he planted kisses near his belt. Suddenly he felt San’s hand shoot up to his neck and grabbing it a little harshly, he pushed him back. Breathing difficultly, Wooyoung pulled back, surprised by San’s sudden behaviour.

“What’s this,” Wooyoung uttered. He was calm as he looked up to San, who still had his hand firmly gripped around his neck. Someone else would have probably gotten mad when a thumb was pressed against their oesophagus, but Wooyoung was used to worse. It had become a habit of him to act calmly during acts of violence as a police officer.

“Didn’t you say you wanted me to control you,” Wooyoung said, as he slowly brought his hand up to San’s hand and pulled it away from his neck.

San looked at him in shock. He wasn’t sure if it was because of how he had acted towards him or because of the calm reaction Wooyoung had to it. Something told Wooyoung however, that it was the way Wooyoung had spoken to him. In a soft voice he had tried to convey to him that he had the upper hand, a technique he used in his job often, yet had never tried out in his private life. He wasn’t sure how to feel about this. But he could see in San’s eyes, that he was surprised about his attitude as well.

It was a strange thing to suddenly see San lose his tough demeanour as he started to surrender. He loosened his grip around Wooyoung’s neck and he dropped his body to the bed in full defeat.

Wooyoung realized where his sudden outburst came from and he couldn’t help but to feel sorry for San. San had never done this before. He had never let himself lose control. He was terrified of the thought, Wooyoung was even sure it was what he was most scared of in the world. It was not natural for him to do this and his instinct told him to fight back, that’s why had grabbed Wooyoung by the throat in a last attempt to feel like he was in control. Did Wooyoung mean so much to him, that he was throwing himself into his worst fear just so he could be with him? 

“Do it,” San breathed, his head tilted backwards. He could see his Adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallowed. “Do whatever you need to do.”

Wooyoung slid an arm underneath San’s waist as he tried to pull him up. Unsure what he was doing, San looked at him with furrowed brows, but he sat up together with Wooyoung. Wooyoung went to slide his blouse of his shoulders and pulling it off of him he threw the blouse off the bed. San’s naked chest was a beauty to behold. But he wanted to see everything.

“Take off your jeans,” Wooyoung demanded.

He saw San’s eyes widen, before he awkwardly slid of the bed and went to stand up on his two feet. Wooyoung looked at him as he unbuckled his belt slowly and pulled down his zipper. He stepped out of his jeans, pulling his socks off at the same time.

“Give that to me,” Wooyoung said with his hand reached out.

San looked kind of confused, but he grabbed his jeans from the floor and gave it to Wooyoung.

“Get those off as well,” Wooyoung said calmly. He was referring to San’s boxers. He saw the slight panic in San’s eyes as he realized Wooyoung wanted him to reveal everything. It wouldn’t necessarily make a difference to Wooyoung, he thought, because the outline of his hardened cock could already be seen through his black boxers.

Hesitantly San started taking off his boxers. Wooyoung’s eyes didn’t leave San’s body, but in the meanwhile while San was undressing, Wooyoung searched for the waistband of San’s jeans where he felt for the metal buckle of his belt. He grabbed it and with one pull, he pulled the belt from San’s jeans.

San’s mouth dropped open, and throwing the jeans on the ground, Wooyoung started twisting the belt around his hand. San’s cock was lying upright against his belly and he could see it twitch with every slapping sound that the belt made as he wrapped it around his hand.

“Come back to me,” Wooyoung said, reaching out his other hand, to pull San back on the bed. He obliged hesitantly, but in his arms, he soon found his way back to Wooyoung’s lips with confidence.

Wooyoung’s hand travelled over San’s body, he couldn’t help but to brush over his cock, feeling the hardness of it, telling him that he was so ready for more. He didn’t jerk him off, but touching him made San squirm in his arms.

“What are you going to do with me, Wooyoung,” San asked.

“No, the question is what are you going to do with me,” Wooyoung said. “Didn’t you say you wanted me to fuck your mouth?”

San bit his lips. “I did.”

“Hmm,” Wooyoung hummed, as he started to sit back. He pulled his hands from San’s body, leaving him sitting cold and untouched beside him. He moved back against the headboard of the bed and he looked at San.

“What are you waiting for,” Wooyoung asked. Why did San look so defenceless and small when he wore no clothes? Why did it turn him on so much?

San moved forward, his hands crawling over the bedsheets before they reached Wooyoung’s thighs, that Wooyoung had already spread widely unconsciously. He saw how the chain around San’s neck was swaying back and forward and in combination with his slicked back black hair he looked so stunning, but even more so now that he was naked and under his control. As San started unbuckling his belt and unbuttoning the waistband of his pants, Wooyoung wove a hand through San’s black hair and grabbed onto it.

“I’ll do fucking anything for you, Wooyoung,” San said, looking up at him.

“I know you would,” Wooyoung managed to say without letting saliva drip from his mouth. The sight of San between his thighs was simply mouth-watering.

San pulled the zipper down of Wooyoung’s pants and he let his hands slide under his waistband to pull both his pants and boxers down. Wooyoung lifted up his butt slightly to let him do so. Wooyoung was still only half hard, but the touch of San’s fingers around his shaft would make him hard within no time.

San didn’t waste his time and he leaned forward to place his head in Wooyoung’s lap. Wooyoung’s hand was still firmly grasping his hair when San’s lips touched his dick. San licked his cock’s head, making Wooyoung open his mouth in surprise.

When San took him in his mouth fully, Wooyoung looked down in awe, the sight simply as amazing as he had remembered it. No, it was even better, the way his tongue twisted around his shaft and the way his lips wrapped around his cock so beautifully. San’s face contorted in a way he would only see when he was performing such an act on him. He looked confused, focused, tortured, excited and pained all at the same time. He was making an effort, even if he was gagging on his cock that was only a little too big for his tiny mouth.

“Fuck me -” Wooyoung said through a tight throat. The way San was slobbering around him, the saliva dripping from his mouth over his cock, God, it was simply divine. He felt the liberty that he could control San’s movement and without having much control over his own movement, he lifted up his butt and moved his hips, making San gag even more on his cock.

The sounds he made were ungodly. If he had his phone in his pocket he would have retrieved it so he could film this, but lucky for San he had left it in the living room. Could he hear the sounds he was making as he was choking on his cock?

Wooyoung felt he was nearing his climax, but he didn’t want to come just yet. The night was young, there were so many things he still wanted San to do to him.

“Careful, San,” Wooyoung pushed him off of him. “I don’t want to come yet.”

“You taste so wonderful, baby,” San brought a hand to his mouth while the other was still firmly wrapped around Wooyoung’s cock.

“Hmmm,” Wooyoung reached for San’s hand. He had already thought of what he wanted to do to San. Making him suck his cock was only a distraction, and a good distraction at that. But he wanted to see how he could make San surrender to him and let him take control over him like he had asked him to do.

“I want to see you come undone, San,” Wooyoung rubbed his thumb over San’s wrist. His other hand went down to grab San’s hand that was wrapped around his cock.

“What?” San said in surprise. He saw the panic in his eyes. Did he think he was going to fuck him or something?

“You trust me, don’t you?” Wooyoung said while holding both San’s hands in between his.

San searched his face. “I do. I trust you.”

“Then hold your arms in front of you like this,” Wooyoung let go of his hands and stretched his arms before him to show San what to do. San followed his movement and Wooyoung could see in his eyes that he understood what he was going to do.

Wooyoung unwrapped the belt from his wrist and looking at San, he could see he was following his every movement. Carefully, Wooyoung wrapped the belt around San’s wrists. When he had wrapped it around his hands enough times to reach the ends, he slid the ending of the belt through the buckle and pulling on it roughly he pushed the pin in one of the tiny holes.

“How does that feel?” Wooyoung asked, looking up at San.

San dropped his arms and he moved his hands around a little. Wooyoung could see there was little movement possible. He would not be getting out of that himself.

“It’s alright,” San said unsure.

Wooyoung grinned. He went to sit up on his knees so he could slide an arm around San’s waist and pull him down to lie on his back. San inhaled audibly as he wasn’t expecting Wooyoung to do that. Wooyoung loomed over San and grabbing his cuffed wrists, he pulled them up to place them above his head. San’s body was now fully exposed.

“What are you doing!?” San croaked as he noticed the position he now was in.

“Sssh, stay quiet,” Wooyoung whispered. He went to lie next to San’s body and let his hand travel over his naked chest.

“I can’t do this, Wooyoung,” San squirmed under Wooyoung’s touch and he pulled his arms back in front of him.

Wooyoung leaned back and watched him. “You can’t do it?” Wooyoung asked. He let his hand travel to his own belt and he played with the buckle, to let it make a sound. San’s head jerked to the side to look at Wooyoung’s crotch. “I can make it more easy for you and pull this belt from my pants and tie your hands to the rail on top of the headboard?”

Wooyoung saw how San’s eyes went big. He placed his hand over San’s wrists. “However, I want to see you have some self-control first,” Wooyoung said, as he brought San’s arms back over his head where he had placed them initially.

“Can you hold those hands up there if I tell you to do so?” Wooyoung’s face was mere centimetres away from San’s face as he stared into his eyes.

San started nodding slowly.

“Good,” Wooyoung whispered. He let go of San’s hands slowly, letting his hand slide over his arm and over his collarbone to land back on his chest. Wooyoung moved his body so he could lie closer next to San’s body. He placed his head on San’s chest and he could see how his chest was moving in an uncontrolled manner and teasing him, Wooyoung waited before he saw San take on a more even breathing pattern.

When he finally did, Wooyoung planted kisses on San’s chest. They were soft kisses at first, but he worked his way down San’s chest and the lower he got, the more he sucked on his skin and left rosy spots.

“Hhnngg -” San managed to hold his hands above his head, but he couldn’t hold back the whining sounds he made when Wooyoung found his way to his bellybutton and near his cock.

“Stay still,” Wooyoung said, placing his hand on San’s hipbone to hold him down.

“Fuck you,” San said.

Wooyoung dug his nails in San’s hipbone and he traced his tongue down to his crotch without reaching his cock. San writhed under his touch, his feet moving up and digging into the matrass. Wooyoung chuckled, “you’re a little feisty aren’t you.”

“I’m going to fuck you really hard after this, so I’d better be careful if I were you.”

“Are you?” Wooyoung laughed. “Then I better elongate this even more. I can’t wait.”

“Woooyoungg,” San whined while twisting his body impatiently on the bed.

“What is it, hmm?” Wooyoung teased while placing another kiss near his groin and looking up at San innocently.

“Please suck my cock,” San’s eyes were begging him.

“You want me to suck your cock San?” Wooyoung let his hand travel over the inside of San’s thigh that he had pulled up to the side. It had exposed him incredibly, but in trying to remain obedient to Wooyoung he had forgotten how vulnerable he had become. Wooyoung let his fingers walk from his inner thigh to his groin in a teasing manner.

“Please, Wooyoung,” San’s furrowed look told him that he was now literally in pain by how much he was teasing him. He let his head fall back in the pillows as he spoke through a tight throat, “Please suck my cock.”

Wooyoung positioned himself so that he could take San more comfortably in his mouth. He was hard like a rock and Wooyoung had to work at it to wet San’s length.

“Fuuuck -” San exhaled.

Wooyoung looked up to see that San had lowered his arms and had covered his eyes with his bounded hands. He removed San’s cock from his mouth and dragged himself up the bed.

San looked at him in shock. “Why did you stop?”

“Did I tell you you could let your arms hang down?”

He had never seen San respond so quickly. He stretched his arms above his head and closed his eyes. “I’m sorry Wooyoung. I’m sorry,” San apologized. “I’ll keep them up here. I’m sorry, please don’t stop now.”

This was a delight, Wooyoung thought, as he leaned down to place a kiss on San’s open mouth. Because his eyes had been closed, San moaned into the kiss as he was caught off guard. Maybe there was something to this whole idea of taking control of San. He could grow to like it.

Wooyoung crawled back down to position himself between San’s legs, creating more room for himself so he could really go down on San. He tasted the precum on his tongue as he took him in his mouth. San was really horny, he knew it took everything in his ability not to give into his instincts.

“I’ll not be able to do this for long… Woo-” San squirmed under his grip and Wooyoung tried to hold down his leg as he took his whole length in his mouth, making San whimper and whine loudly.

“Where’s the lube, San,” Wooyoung pulled his cock from his mouth and looked up to San.

San’s chest was rising and falling as he got more excited upon hearing Wooyoung’s words. “…It’s in the bathroom.”

“Ok, wait here, I’m going to get it,” Wooyoung said while getting off the bed.

“No Wooyoung, stay. Don’t stop touching me,” San sat up hastily, reaching out with his cuffed hands.

Wooyoung kissed his hands. “It’ll only take a minute.”

“Ok…” San closed his eyes and cringed. “It’s under the sink in the cupboard.”

Wooyoung stood up from the bed, his jeans hanging lazily from his butt and the buckle of his belt making a clanking sound. Without minding it, he walked to the bathroom and without considering his reflection in the mirror, he opened the cupboard under the sink. Wooyoung saw that San had started stocking up on the stuff, as he looked over the different bottles of lube with different flavours. Wooyoung didn’t care for a specific flavour, but he did care about stickiness. He grabbed a cherry flavoured lube that he was happy to see was still closed and he walked to the bedroom.

San was waiting on him while lying on his side, his hands awkwardly in front of him. He looked up at Wooyoung in anticipation and Wooyoung threw the lube on the bed beside him. San grabbed at it, just able to take it in both his hands.

Wooyoung felt like it was time he got out of his clothes as well at this point, knowing full well that he was more than ready to be fucked by the most beautiful man in the world. He unbuttoned his blouse while looking at San who was trying to rip the plastic from the bottle of lube with his mouth. He let his blouse slide from his arms and he pulled his pants and boxers down and stepped out of them.

“Here,” Wooyoung reached his hand out to San. He looked up sheepishly and then noticed Wooyoung was fully naked and he stared at his obvious presence. “Give it to me, I’ll open it.”

San pulled the bottle from his mouth and he gave it Wooyoung. Wooyoung pulled the plastic from it, which was a bit difficult since San had started nibbling on it. “You’ve made it difficult for me. You slobbered all over it.”

San bit his lip. “…Sorry?”

Ripping the plastic from the bottle, Wooyoung threw it on the ground and he twisted open the bottle. He went to sit back on the bed beside San, lining up to his waist, so his hand could find his way around San’s cock again. He squirted some of the liquid on San’s cock and he started jerking him off frantically to lube him up. With a load moan San fell back into the pillows while he placed his arms above him.

“Make some room,” Wooyoung commanded. He needed him to move to the centre of the bed so he could settle between his thighs more easily.

San scooted his little ass over the sheets to move more to the middle. It looked really funny as he tried to do all this without the use of his hands. Wooyoung let go of San so he could sit in between his thighs. He noticed the white liquid that had dripped on the sheets.

“See, didn’t I tell you black sheets were a stupid idea? You’re dripping all over it.”

“Don’t humiliate me in my own home,” San said sternly.

Wooyoung laughed before he settled himself in between his thighs and found his way back to San’s cock. He had pulled himself up on his knees, his hand reaching behind him to finger himself while he took San in his mouth. He grabbed the bottle of lube to squirt some of the liquid on his fingers and he brought it back to his entrance. He leaned into his own hands while licking San’s cock. The stimulation he gave himself was too little to satisfy him and he just really wanted to feel San inside of him. So he took the liberty to do so.

He pushed San’s legs down and he went to sit on top of him, both his knees on either side of his hips.

“Wait,” San uttered, his hands brushing over his chest. “You’re already going to let me fuck you? Don’t you need more stretch?”

“You will stretch me enough,” Wooyoung said, grabbing San’s cock behind him and placing it at his entrance. He leaned forward, placing his hand on San’s shoulder to steady himself. Slowly, he sat down on San’s cock, stretching his entrance greatly.

“Aaaah,” Wooyoung moaned, scrunching up his nose as he bore the stretch. He pulled San out of him, before he carefully placed his cock back at his entrance to sit down on it once again.

“Are you ok, Wooyoung? Take it easy,” San let his fingertips touch his chest in an endearing manner. It pushed Wooyoung to do even more.

“Move up inside me of me, San,” Wooyoung croaked, placing his other hand carefully on San’s chest.

He saw that San was trying, as he clung his bounded hands around Wooyoung’s arm and moved his ass up.

“Ah fuck it,” Wooyoung said, seeing as how San’s cuffed hands were now starting to get in the way. He moved forward so San left his body and he grabbed his hands to unbuckle the belt that was still wrapped tightly around his wrists. “I’m sick of this thing.”

“You’ll let me really fuck you then?” San’s eyes seemed to glisten as he held his arms out to Wooyoung.

“No restraint,” Wooyoung said under his breath. And he meant it. He knew San had asked him to keep him under his control, but Wooyoung felt like he was failing so bad at it, he simply wanted to give up. More importantly, his body was tingling all over and the instinctive urge to be fucked hard was just overwhelming him. He needed San to fuck him. And he needed him to do it right now.

The belt loosened up and San pulled his hands free. He rubbed his wrists and Wooyoung could see the redness and the indent the belt had left on them. Wooyoung threw the belt behind him, not looking where he had thrown it. He leaned forward and San placed his hands shakily around his neck. Maybe he had pulled the belt a little too tight and he had cut off his blood circulation a bit. Wooyoung didn’t really know his strength when it came to these kind of things.

“Are you sure Wooyoung?” San kneaded Wooyoung’s neck and looked up at him unsure. But Wooyoung knew San wanted to let go, his uneven breathing pattern that made his chest rise and fall rapidly told him so.

Wooyoung felt behind him and he positioned San’s cock back at his entrance.

“Move for me,” Wooyoung whispered.

He didn’t have to say it a second time, because he instantly felt San’s hips move up as he clung tightly onto his shoulders and the stretch he created made Wooyoung’s vision blurry, the feeling so overwhelming that he felt his eyes roll into the back of his head.

“Aaah- Fuck Wooyoung, I can feel everything,” San’s nails were digging into his neck, his face quite close to his as he breathed the words into his ear. He placed one hand on his hip and holding onto it, he slid out of him and back into him.

Wooyoung should have taken more time to prepare himself, he knew that as he felt a nauseous feeling come over him as San was buried deep inside of him. There was a burning feeling and he couldn’t help but to groan at the pain the stretch was giving him. But he didn’t want it any other way.

“Oh, baby, come here, I’ll go slow,” San turned his face towards him, that he had turned to the side as his face had scrunched up in pain. San grabbed his chin and placed a kiss on his lips, licking his lower lip to invite himself in. They kissed deeply, his moans resounding in San’s mouth as San slowly picked up the pace, in and out of him, in and out.

Wooyoung lost himself, he couldn’t feel the pain anymore, because the way San was kissing him while he slid in and out of him, it was heaven to him. There had never been a man who could make him feel this way, that he was willing to let his body be destroyed if only he could feel that pleasure again. He heard the little moans come from San’s mouth which were the cherries on top to him: it was all worth it, every little ache, every uncomfortable position, every loss of Wooyoung’s being to become one with San. 

“Why do you sound so beautiful when you make those sounds? Really it’s cruel,” San mouthed, his hand firmly grasped around his jaw.

“Ah- San, I’ll be making those sounds for all eternity for you. Just fuck me hard,” Wooyoung hiccupped.

“Yeah?” he felt how San was weaving an arm around his back. “You want me to fuck you hard? You want me to do that?”

Wooyoung had closed his eyes, San’s piercing eyes as he looked at him while fucking him were making him go over the edge sooner than he would like. Not yet.

“Do it already,” Wooyoung whined.

San moved forward, sitting up, their chests almost touching. His hands reached behind Wooyoung’s back to grab a hold of his cheeks and he started pounding into him aggressively.

“Oh God- Fuckk,” Wooyoung threw his hands around San’s shoulders, his own shoulder instantly protesting as he felt a jolt shoot up his arm. The sensation was intensified as San moved in and out of him at a rapid pace, but this was how he knew San. This was how he wanted San. The pain became pleasure and that was how he liked it and why he could never have anyone else make him come like San could. That thing, that made him a little fucked up, San embraced it fully.

“Do you want me to slow down?” San said, while breathing hard. He hadn’t slowed down yet.

“Just,” Wooyoung croaked. “Just lie back. I’ll move.”

The pain in his shoulder was starting to get in the way and he knew that if he could hold his arm down, the attention wouldn’t have to be on his arm all the time. San slowed down and releasing his arms from around his back he lay down. Wooyoung planted his hands on San’s belly and moving his ass up he could suddenly feel the burning sensation in his leg that he could feel because the blood was flowing to it. 

“Aw, fuck me, this really hurts,” it came out of his mouth automatically. He was just voicing what was on the forefront of his mind. If it wasn’t for the look on San’s face he wouldn’t have even noticed that he had said it.

San’s hands were caressing his forearms. Wooyoung moved his hips so he could fuck San’s cock and let the pain drift to the background. However, since there was less restriction in this position, he could feel his body starting to protest. He didn’t want to give into it however and he started moving in a silly manner, moaning and whining from the dual sensation.

“Baby, you’re hurting,” San’s hand moved over his butt-cheek, squeezing it so as if to say that it was ok to slow down.

“I’m not, I’m not,” Wooyoung managed to say. He didn’t want San to think about how he was hurting. He didn’t want him to mention it.

“Baby,” San cooed him.

“Pick up the pace,” Wooyoung uttered in between moans. “Please, do it San. Pick up the pace!”

San started pounding into him again and even Wooyoung could hear now what awful sounds he made. He bounced on top of San like a ragdoll and San grabbed his hands so as to steady him. Wooyoung had closed his eyes again. He needed to focus, because the pain was slowly taking over.

San started pulling on his hands and Wooyoung wondered what he was doing. He opened his eyes to see that San pulled his hands towards his neck and placed them around his throat. His heart skipped a beat when he realized what he was proposing, once again.

“Choke me,” San whispered.

He remembered the week before when San had fucked him in his office and he had pulled his hands towards his neck in the same manner. Without saying anything, Wooyoung had known what he was proposing and he had done it without much thought. But how it had made him feel, was something he was scared to admit.

“Choke me, Wooyoung, do it,” San pushed his hands on his neck, before he pulled his own hands away from them and Wooyoung was left with his hands wrapped around San’s neck. Was he asking him to do this again? But… They hadn’t talked about it after they had done it. San hadn’t asked him whether he had liked it, whether it was ok for him to do this. Wooyoung himself didn’t even know if he felt comfortable doing this. They both liked rough sex, but were they both positive about taking it this far?

As he looked at his hands that were wrapped around San’s neck, this primal urge within started to appear and he felt his cock twitch and the sensation around his asshole intensify. He wanted this. He knew he wanted this.

“Choke me, I deserve it!” San nearly shouted at him. It was all that took Wooyoung to finally lean into his hands and press down on San’s throat and wrap his hands firmly around his neck. San opened his mouth, his eyes rolling back into his head and he started making strange sounds. That was when it all changed for Wooyoung.

Wooyoung’s vision became blurry and he started seeing this red fog form over his sight. San’s face was distorted, his black hair and his piercing eyes the only thing that reminded him it was still him. Without knowing how or why, Wooyoung saw blood coming from San’s mouth. It started pooling in his mouth, before it spilled over and trickled down the side of his face and down his neck. The blood started covering his hands and he felt how his hands became slippery. He held on tighter.

That’s when he noticed what his face had turned into: he saw the man that he had killed, the man that he had shot with his rifle and eventually had offed by slipping the gun between his teeth and pulling the trigger, creating confetti out of his brains. He saw the image. He saw the hanging jaw and the indented face under his hands.

Wooyoung blinked his eyes several times. He did not know what overcame him as he uttered the words, “don’t stop moving now that I have the upper hand. Fuck my cunt, you fucking slut.”

He felt San’s stuttering movements, but more than that he could hear the raspy sounds he made as Wooyoung put his weight on his arms and pressed down.

He could kill him if he wanted to. Right now, in this position, Wooyoung could shrink San’s throat to the size of a pipe. Just like he had had the power to kill those terrorists, Wooyoung’s hands had the strength to let the life flow out of San. What if he would actually do it? What would it feel like if he stopped moving around under him, when the resistance he was giving him started ebbing away and the last convulsions would signal his nearing end? What would it feel like to have him die by his hand?

Wooyoung leaned forward, he could feel he was climaxing and he let himself fall onto San’s chest. His thumbs traced over his oesophagus to the underside of his jaw. With the choking sounds San was making echoing in his ear, he came all over San’s stomach.

His body was quivering as he let go of San’s neck and he whispered in his ear, “you make me see things I wish I didn’t see, San.”

San wasn’t responding. And he wasn’t breathing either.

Wooyoung raised himself up to look at San his face, and he saw that his mouth was hanging open strangely and his eyes were closed. His arms were hanging lazily to his sides. There seemed to be no life in him.

“San,” Wooyoung placed a trembling hand on his cheek. “San, wake up,” Wooyoung’s voice had never been so small as he looked in horror at San, who failed to respond to him.

Ok. Stay calm, Wooyoung told himself. He needed to think of what he was supposed to do in this situation. Ok, first, I have to try and wake him up, Wooyoung told himself.

“San. San wake up, answer me,” he patted San’s cheek, but his head just moved lazily to the side. Wooyoung peered at San’s neck and he saw the red contours his fingers had left there. A panic came over him, realizing what he had done. No, he told himself, stay calm, stay calm!

“San, San! Come on, San, wake up!”

He slapped him with a flat hand.

“WAKE UP SAN.”

He started pounding with his fists on San’s chest. This wasn’t happening. This wasn’t happening!

“San, please, I’m sorry, please wake up for me. San please,” he sounded pathetic, the words echoing in his ears as the room had fallen silent.

Wooyoung started to feel like he was going to hyperventilate. He needed to calm himself down if he wanted to fix this situation. Breathe Wooyoung, he told himself. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, before he moved off of San’s body.

He pulled San’s legs down, making him lie flat on his back on the mattress and immediately, he moved to his head, which he pulled backwards. He pulled down his jaw and pinched his nose. He placed his mouth over San’s open mouth and he breathed into him. From the corner of his eyes, he watched as San’s chest rose and fell as he breathed into him two times. He sat back to put his folded hands on San’s breast and with force he started performing compressions.

He didn’t notice that he had started crying. The tears were trickling over his cheeks and falling onto San’s chest. Persistently, Wooyoung kept counting the numbers, and with every number he didn’t see San respond he felt himself spiralling into this deep dark hole he was afraid he would never get out of. What had he done…

When San started coughing on the 20th compression, Wooyoung started bawling his eyes out.

San made sounds like he was throwing up and he grabbed at his throat as he turned his body on his side, and he shrunk into a ball.

“I’m sorry San, I’m so sorry,” Wooyoung placed a shaking hand on San’s back while he was coughing like a mad man. But Wooyoung felt relieved, because San was alive. He was alive.

“I didn’t mean to do it, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I’m sorry San, I’m sorry, please forgive me.”

San was making wheezing sounds now. He wanted to caress him, hold him close to him, just to make sure he was breathing again and that he was ok. But San was still lying in this contorted position and he became scared.

“I thought I’d lost you… San, please believe me, I didn’t mean to,” Wooyoung’s hand travelled over his shoulder as he tried to get through to him. “Please slap me, kick me, do anything! Hurt me, please, do something so I can get over this guilt.”

San started shaking and the wheezing sounds he made slowly started to turn into laughing and Wooyoung watched as San started covering his eyes and just laughed.

“Why are you laughing?” Wooyoung just looked on in horror as San was shaking with laughter. Was he for real? This was absolutely not the time to be laughing!

“Stop laughing, San, this is not funny!”

San started sitting up and Wooyoung could see his bloodshot eyes and the red bruising and indent of his chain that started to appear around his neck. Wooyoung pushed him when San looked up at him and started laughing even harder.

“No! San, it’s not funny! I thought I had lost you – I am fucking terrified knowing what these -” Wooyoung held up his hands and looked at them in terror “stupid fucking hands can do!”

He got closer to his face and he started shouting, “I WANTED TO FUCKING OFF MYSELF!”

San’s laughter started dying down and with his eyes that now had dark circles underneath it, he started staring at Wooyoung in such an awful way, Wooyoung wished that he could disappear, that he could vanish into thin air. That his laughter was just an adrenaline rush was something he should have known, when he saw that San’s eyes started watering. He started crying in this gross way, in which he completely broke down, slobbering all over himself as his body started shaking.

Wooyoung composed himself and he went to embrace San so as to hold him up and not let him sink down into this puddle of sadness.

“It’s ok. It’s ok, you’re alive,” Wooyoung rubbed his back roughly, rubbing back life into it while San was hiccupping and breathing in raspy breaths, his throat still recovering from the constriction Wooyoung had performed on it. “We’re alive,” Wooyoung added, in a failed attempt to try and erase what he had said.

San breathed shakily, the tears making him breathe with short, jerky inhales. Wooyoung felt all of San’s being, as he threw himself in the embrace and clung onto him, his chest pressed against his. He was holding on for dear life, as the crying didn’t seem to want to end. Wooyoung let him cry as long as he wanted to. He’d hold him the entire night if he needed to.

“Try taking deep breaths, San,” Wooyoung instructed San. He could hear that he was starting to make himself hyperventilate. “Just breathe with me ok, in -” Wooyoung took a long inhale, “and breathe out,” and he exhaled. San tried to follow Wooyoung’s example. It was shaky at first, but Wooyoung was glad when San finally managed to breathe more evenly and with less jerky inhales.

“I’m here, I’m here,” Wooyoung said. San grasped onto him tighter, his hands scratching over his back trying to hold him tighter than was possible.

“I’ve never felt,” the voice Wooyoung heard was strange, since San’s voice was contorted into this high-pitched, soft and raspy sound, that was still San, but not San at the same time, “…so incredible before.”

“San,” Wooyoung breathed. He had almost squeezed the life out of him, why did he say he felt ‘incredible’? What did he mean with that?

“Wooyoung,” San said with that same raspy voice. “I have never felt this great before.”

He started coughing again and his chest was banging against his own.

“What are you saying San? I don’t understand,” Wooyoung shook his head. This didn’t make any sense. San should be mad at him. He should kick him, punch him, like Commander San would have done. “I don’t think this is right,” how could he make sense out of this? He rubbed his face in San’s neck in frustration, wetting it with his own tears. “This is not supposed to be right, San.”

San pulled his head back, his two hands weaving through and grasping onto his hair. He pushed his forehead against that of Wooyoung, demanding him to look at him. 

“I haven’t felt such a high in a long time,” he hiccupped, his cries had mostly stopped and through his voice Wooyoung could hear that laugh again. San started collecting himself, and Wooyoung noticed the change in him. “I feel… amazing. It is just really overwhelming to feel the rush again. Here, feel my heart,” San grabbed Wooyoung’s hand and pressed it against his chest.

“It’s still beating,” Wooyoung’s voice broke.

“For you.”

Wooyoung closed his eyes. He was overwhelmed by conflicting feelings. To hear that San felt great fucked with his mind, but he believed him. The way he spoke, that look in his eyes, it was all too real.

“I feel the rush too,” Wooyoung managed to say.

San smiled and he cupped his face. Wooyoung couldn’t help but to laugh with him, finally allowing himself to relax and let the tension leave his body. This was sinful.

San hugged him again and Wooyoung leaned into his arms longingly. Somehow he felt like this was going to be the last time for a long while before he would found himself in San’s arms again.

“You bring out the best and the worst in me, San.” 


	3. Neglectful Lover

“You look tired,” his colleague Koomin looked at him over the edge of his coffee cup as he went to sit down on one of the chairs around the coffee table. It was his colleague from the west wing, with whom he usually had lunch together with Nayeon.

“I am,” Wooyoung replied in a monotone voice, before he went to place his coffee cup under the coffee machine for the third time this morning.

Last night, he hadn’t slept. The few moments he did seem to have drifted away, he started hallucinating and dreaming strangely. He would see the same images of people lying in bloody puddles that he would often see when he had a nightmare during the middle of the week, something that happened quite often since the event of the attacks. The other image was that of his hands wrapped around San’s neck, that he seemed to be squeezing tighter and tighter as he felt San’s heartbeat ebbing away. Each time he saw the latter image, he would jolt upwards in his bed and cold sweat would cover his entire body. He had repeated this cycle for he didn’t know how many rounds. It had completely wiped him out. 

In reality, Wooyoung hadn’t slept for several days. Ever since that night, Wooyoung hadn’t been able to close his eyes, without having them fly back open again in horror.

That night, Wooyoung had stayed with San. It was strange. San had wrapped his arms around his body and with his head lying against his chest, he fell asleep with a heavy breathing pattern, the sound of which kept reminding Wooyoung of the way he had squeezed his oesophagus tight between his hands. His claws.

He had woven his fingers through San’s hair, as he placed small pecks on his chest, turning his skin more pink every time he planted several kisses in one place. But San fell asleep quite soon and it was as if Wooyoung was left alone in that room, with that breathing pattern reminding him constantly of his cruel capabilities. That wheezing sound – it haunted him. He wanted to pull his hair out, but looking upon his beautiful black hair and that cute little nose of his, he found back a certain calm, knowing that this was San, and how San wanted things to be.

Why did he think that things were going to be easy between them? Why did he hold onto this perfect idea where he and San could have a relationship without the self-hatred and self-loathing? Just because they loved each other didn’t mean their problems would go away. It was a simple truth. But they were both fools in love.

Somehow, Wooyoung did manage to catch some sleep, because he had woken up with a startle from his alarm. When he looked down to see San still in his arms, his heart immediately started to beat faster. The man he loved and adored clung to him in a manner he would have only dreamt of just a year ago. When he sat up however, Wooyoung’s eyes shot to his neck and he saw the result of last night’s doings, and he wished he could erase the image from his mind or just the mere thought of it. But San smiled at him. And his smile was genuine.

He had gone to work, in this strange high or on this surge of adrenalin that was still present in his body. They would not notice what was on his mind, Wooyoung thought, because he forced himself to be energetic and conceal how worn out he was by putting on a fake smile. Even Nayeon’s side-eyeing didn’t bother him, because somehow he had managed to erase any negative energy from his day and pretend like the whole thing with San hadn’t happened.

He hadn’t consulted with San, but he decided to go home that night. He felt like he didn’t really need to tell him. They were both knackered by what they had put their bodies through and he had seen what the choking had done to San’s body. They both needed the time alone to recover. However, when he came home and he went to bed, and after some hours of sleep he found himself wide awake again and the sleep wouldn’t come, he went to bawl his eyes out. He wished he had gone to San, so he could sleep in his arms again and feel safe. He would kiss San’s neck, kiss every little bruised part so many times that the discolouration would go away.

When they met again the next night, and they continued their violent lovemaking as if they hadn’t learnt anything from a few days before, Wooyoung could feel that something had changed. He was scared to touch San, to touch his neck. He wanted San to do the work and take him like he always would, but he could feel San’s hands guiding him, moving his arms up where he so didn’t want them to be. He was so tired, so exhausted that his brain was focused on only one thing and kept repeating the same thing as a mantra to himself: _do not hurt him. I will kill you if you hurt him again._

San noticed that he was apprehensive and he tried to help him, but it was to no avail. He saw in Wooyoung’s eyes that it was not going to work out like the other nights. They settled by kissing and cuddling, which felt good to Wooyoung and made him calm down. Holding him without hurting him, it felt like a way to reset his brain and for a little while, he could sleep that night with San in his arms. It didn’t take long however, for the nightmares to reappear again.

Wooyoung felt physically ill, just by having to listen to San’s words that were telling him that it was ok, that he didn’t hurt him, that he was fine. It wasn’t that he didn’t believe San. It was just that he knew how close he had come to ruining everything and that he now knew what he was capable of. What he should have known he had always been capable of. 

“Are you getting any good pills?” Koomin asked, while sipping his coffee.

Wooyoung rubbed his head. He retrieved his now filled cup of coffee from under the machine and after blowing on it a little to cool it off, he took a sip. “Oh I get the good stuff,” Wooyoung admitted, looking up at Koomin. “But some things, I just have to bite through.”

“I can imagine,” Koomin looked at him with a knowing look as if Wooyoung was supposed to know what that meant. He started laughing.

“Am I missing something?” Wooyoung asked. “I really haven’t slept well last night, this brain is not working.”

“Yeah, I can tell,” Koomin chuckled.

Wooyoung shook his head and with a small wave he left the coffee room to go back to his office.

There were too many things troubling his mind. The lack of sleep for the past few days made it that much more unbearable. And then there was the fact that he hadn’t heard from San after the last time he had been at his place. A few days had passed and San hadn’t called or messaged him. Wooyoung had left him a few messages on his Kakao, but there was no reply.

Wooyoung knew that San was sometimes M.I.A., but that he had not messaged him for a few days after what happened, it started to worry him. And he was fearing the worst.

Did he really know who San was?

Wooyoung was staring at the display of his phone, which was lighted up with the phone-number of San. He watched as the seconds past by and with each second San didn’t pick up his phone. After 40 seconds, Wooyoung hung up the phone annoyed and he threw the phone on his desk. He rubbed his face with his hands and he turned his chair back to his computer. It bothered him that San had still not contacted him, so he needed a distraction. 

The hours were dragging along at work and Wooyoung found himself going over old files in his computer. He knew he should be working on this report for the terrorism prevention classes he was going to give together with Seonghwa and that was due soon, but his mind slowly drifted away from the task at hand and went back to the day of the conference and the information he had received there.

It was on his mind at least once a day: the thought of the terrorist attack as well as the imagery that came along with it. Knowing that he had full excess to all the digital evidence of the attack didn’t help in times of weakness such as these, and he could feel the build-up of his longing to see those images again, a longing that was similar to the longing of the high a drug could give. He knew deep down that it was weird to think like that, to see the imagery as a drug, but the knowledge that these thoughts were a secret from the rest of the world always comforted him. Right now he had no strength left to fight the thoughts anymore and he let the thoughts flow free, even though he would normally repress the urge to look at the images as long as he could. Because he knew what the images would do to him.

Drugs would give a high, a rush of energy, a beating heart, sweaty palms and a sweaty forehead, and all your senses would be heightened to the point where you could hear the wings of a bird flapping outside and you could smell the lunch that was being made three stairs down. He was on edge, the thought of San not having contacted him in a while making him too weak to resist the urge of taking that drug. It didn’t take long, before he found himself saying, _fuck it_ , and he gave in. Lucky for him, this drug was easily accessible to him.

Opening the file and clicking on the autopsy pictures, Wooyoung could smell the scent of sourdough and tomato soup of the lunch being made downstairs through his flared nostrils. The instant gratification was overwhelming and Wooyoung sat back to conceal his nose, almost as if he was trying to control the passage of external stimuli in an act to calm himself down. Wooyoung thought that he had quite a healthy amount of self-control, but the way he responded to the images this time, clearly showed how weak he became when it had anything to do with San.

Wooyoung realized that this used to be part of San’s work as well, looking over pictures of autopsies and crime scenes. Did San have the same response to the images as him? Could this be why his tolerance for violence was so high? Or was it the other way around, that he already had a tolerance for it and the access to these pictures would have fed his wicked sensation with violence on a regular basis? He realized that San had admitted to having a fascination with him for the same reason. The violence that San saw in him had turned him on. And he realized what he was willing to do in order to feed this fascination, this obsession of his. It had led to many unfortunate situations on Wooyoung’s part, but now also on San’s own part. Wooyoung couldn’t help but wonder, what else had he been doing in his life in order to get this hit? What dark secrets was San keeping hidden from him?

Wooyoung clicked the image of his bruised victim away, the one that he had shot on the stairway during the terrorist attack, and he went to look through the folder on his desktop to see what else was there. There were a lot of files under previous years, the years he knew San had been working in this office. He clicked on the year that was now almost two years ago and a collection of folders dropped down. There were a lot of files named with a date, but there were also folders that had different names like Task Force so-and-so or Trainings-day Tutorials. It were the Task Force files that caught his eye.

One of them was named Task Force Gangnam. Wooyoung wondered what it was about. His curiosity was piqued, so he clicked on it. _Shit_ , Wooyoung immediately thought, as he saw the screen pop up that asked for a password. Of course these files were locked away under a password, but he didn’t think he would have to enter another password since getting into the system required a password to begin with. Maybe he could try to type in his password that was used for the system and see what would happen, he thought in an optimistic spur of the moment.

The file suddenly opened and Wooyoung saw his screen fill up with hundreds of files. His heart started beating faster as he read several of the names on the files and immediately recognized what this ‘Task Force Gangnam’ was all about. The files were named after some of the most notorious criminals that have been active in the Gangnam and Yongsan area. Some of them were still on the black list of the Police Department or even on the wanted list. They were known for their drug cartels and their use of violence throughout town to ensure their monopoly. Of course, they were gangs and there had been several murders throughout the years in which they had killed each other off for the sake of business. Knowing the jest of the Gangnam gangs cases, Wooyoung knew what the files and images would be about. But his heart was racing now, and he needed to see what the investigations had been exactly and what San had been working on while he was still employed at the Police Department.

The images didn’t shock him, but they did surprise him. Wooyoung saw a room on his screen that had been painted red. The walls were covered in the blood of a man that was lying in the middle of the room, face down and with his arms and legs stretched out. He was lying in his own puddle of blood and clicking through the other photos, Wooyoung realized that his hands had been chopped off. In none of the images could Wooyoung find the missing hands, as if they had been taken by the aggressors as a trophy.

Opening the word file that belonged with the images, Wooyoung realized that the man was the head of a gang active in the Yongsan area and that he had been killed because he was in the way of his juniors. Simply said, there were other gang members that believed it was time for him to step aside, but for a gang member there was no such thing as stepping aside. So there was only one way to get rid of him. He had to die.

For some reason, these gangs always took pride in killing other gang members and they would leave clues that could actually be seen as leaving a message that said, ‘we were here’. They would leave evidence by using a specific technique to murder their opponent, but to the police it was often a difficult puzzle since the clues were only connected to the gang as a whole rather than to individual members. The cutting off of the hands was a recurring theme, in which the gang ceremonially discarded the leader of the gang by leaving the message that it was now ‘out of his hands’.

The files told Wooyoung about the different drug cartels and the different drugs the gangs had been dealing in. It told him about the shop fronts and the different buildings that were used for storage. It also told him about the interferences of the police, of which only a few had been successful. Some of these gangs were old and the police knew that they could only do so much to keep them in check. No wonder there was a Task Force on them, because there needed to be special attention to this problem to get it under control.

Wooyoung clicked the file away, his mind overflowing with the thought of what San’s part could have been in this investigation. When he found a different folder however, that was filed under ‘prostitution and extortion’, and he opened it to unveil its secrets, he was disturbed at what he had found. If he would have to describe the images he saw to anyone, he was not sure what he would say. The black and white images served a purpose, he presumed, as he looked through the folder of images that were taken in what seemed to be a basement. There were women. There were boys. There were… children.

Wooyoung clicked the file away. He rolled back his chair and with his elbows leaning on his knees, he burrowed his face in his hands. You have got to be fucking kidding me, Wooyoung thought. So these were the things San had to work on in his days as investigator. Why did it not surprise Wooyoung? Why did it suddenly not surprise him that San was the way he was and dealt with things in the way he did? Had he become numb to the images or was it something else?

Trying to get San out of his head was a lost cause. Instead of ignoring the thought of him, subconsciously he was always in Wooyoung’s mind and looking at these files had only made it worse. But he couldn’t bear his absence anymore, the continued no show and the relentless silence that was eating away at his mind. He needed to see him, and only by taking action himself was this going to happen.

After work, Wooyoung had decided to go to San’s apartment. He could ignore his calls, but he wouldn’t be able to ignore him if he saw him standing in front of his front door. He would have to face him and he would have to tell him what was going on. Because he needed to know. Wooyoung needed to know, whether he had taken it too far with him and that this was actually the end of them, the end he had feared for so long. It was time to rip the band-aid of in one go.

Wooyoung took the subway down to Itaewon. It was quite a hassle, since everyone got off work and took the train around the same time. He was squeezed between masses of people in suits carrying their satchel bags. Standing in the aisle while holding onto one of the slings from the ceiling was putting a lot of strain on both his shoulder as well as his leg and he wondered why he had made the decision to go to San’s place straight after work.

When he left the train with a sigh of relief and he could finally relax his joints, he could feel the nervous feeling building up as he found himself taking the same route to San’s new place as he did when they had made love there for the first time. This memory held many meanings for Wooyoung, there were feelings of joy as well as feelings of regret and he wasn’t sure whether the one outweighed the other. Inside of him he harboured a hope for a positive outcome, in which San did trust him to take control over him and he did love him for the things he was willing to do in their relationship. That there were risks involved, Wooyoung hoped that these risks bothered him more than they bothered San, but frankly he couldn’t be sure.

But this hope, the hope that San truly cared for him no matter what happened, he held onto it with every inch of his being. There had to be truth in it, Wooyoung felt, because he couldn’t stop thinking about that moment in their car when San had broken down before him and he had clung onto the cloth of his pants as he confessed his love for him. But with hope came fear, and this was the other side of the coin. Because when San had said he loved him so much it almost became unbearable, Wooyoung could only focus on the latter part, and he feared for the day that it would actually become unbearable to him. Had that day finally arrived?

The streets were as busy as the last time he had been there, maybe even livelier. He found his way through the crowd quickly, focussed on getting to San’s apartment as soon as possible. If he didn’t hesitate, there would be no time for him to change his mind. He went to the back of the building and entered the building through the heavy door. He remembered everything that had happened from here on out when he first came to San’s place and he felt his heart beating faster as if the familiarity of it asked for a similar reward. He secretly wished his visit would cause similar things to happen, that he could fall back into San’s arms and that he could touch his body in all different places. But he wasn’t so sure that this night was going to go in a way that he could expect.

Wooyoung took the lift up and he stared at his reflection. The deep lines under his eyes made him look like a zombie and he cursed himself for not going back home first to freshen himself up. However, freshening himself up would probably not even made a change to the bags under his eyes. The lift arrived on the third floor and Wooyoung stepped outside while rubbing his hands over his pants. They had gotten sweaty from anticipation. He walked over to San’s door and with not a lot of confidence he knocked on San’s door.

Silence. He waited. Then he knocked again, a bit harder this time. There was no sound on the other side of the door, even when he pressed his ear against the door. It remained silent. Suddenly he could hear a sound coming from down the hallway and he snapped his head to the side, to see a lady that was just entering the hallway and was closing off her door. Wooyoung watched her as she fumbled with her shoes that she was still trying to get on and her bag that hung lazily over her shoulder. She looked funny as she was wearing a long padded coat that covered her entire body.

She closed the door and she came down the hallway, looking at Wooyoung strangely, before she called for the lift.

“He’s not here,” she suddenly said, grabbing a pocket mirror from her bag and looking into it to fix her bangs. 

Wooyoung turned to face the woman, surprised that she was talking to him. “Oh he’s not home?”

“He’s at work. Doesn’t come home until the late hours.”

She was talking to him. Giving him information, that could come in handy if he wanted to talk to San tonight. He decided to make use of it. “Oh, I was supposed to meet him here. I’m a friend of Choi San, he told me to come to his home. Do you know where his working place is?”

“He works in a garage down the street. I’m not sure which one it is. He’s always wearing his working clothes when I see him, yes, he seems like a really hard worker.”

“Ah ok, so a garage down this street or in front of the building?”

“I believe it is in one of those little alleys down the main road. I couldn’t be sure which one it is, I’m sorry. You’ll have to ask them there. Good luck finding him,” the lady bowed before she entered the lift and with that she ended the conversation.

But Wooyoung was glad. He had gotten the exact information he needed, even if he was not sure this was the right thing to do. To go to his job would go against their rule of not talking about their jobs, but knowing that he worked in a garage, it lessened the importance of the rule to Wooyoung. What was wrong with working in a garage? To some extent it explained some things about San’s new living conditions and why his hands were so bruised up all the time. The bruises on his body? Those not so much, but Wooyoung didn’t care about that right now. He felt like it was ok to go to this working place of his, because he needed to know if there was anything left of them that could work together. Knowing if there was a future for them was the most important thing to Wooyoung.

Not long after the woman had left the hallway, Wooyoung called for the lift to leave the building as well. When the woman had mentioned the main road, he already knew what she was talking about. There was a long street that lead up to the apartment building where San lived and it had many little alleyways where different shops were situated. He could remember seeing a garage there, but there was not a specific image in his mind and he was not sure whether there were more garages down the street. But there was only one way he would find this out. 

Upon leaving the building, Wooyoung went to walk the opposite way of which he came, walking into the busy main street to find this garage that he thought he had seen. There were several little restaurants that were packed with people as he could see from the outside, and there were a lot of shops with loud music and bright colours as they were selling all types of cutesy things.

The garage that he thought he had seen wasn’t in sight, but then he remembered that he had walked up one of these alleyways and that the garage was at the far end of the alleyway from this side. He turned around to go back from whence he came and he found the alleyway where he had walked earlier. It was darker there and there were loud noises that came from the vents that were connected to the kitchens of the many restaurants present in the main street. Going down the alleyway Wooyoung could see an open shop at the end and seeing the big open front where tinkering noises came from, Wooyoung was assured that this was the garage he had remembered he had seen.

Loud noises coming from a radio left the large entrance of the garage shop that was lit by TL light. Standing in front of the entrance, Wooyoung saw the body of a car lifted from the ground while a man leaned down beside it to work on the front wheels. The shop was deep and he could see that in the back that there was a much larger space where two men were working on another car that seemed to have been in a car accident. This could be the place where San worked, Wooyoung thought.

“Can I help you sir?” the man who was working on the car looked at him curiously while balancing an adjustable wrench on his knee. The question took Wooyoung off guard. But he responded quickly.

“Yeah sorry, I’m looking for someone. I think he works here,” Wooyoung said, trying to sound calm and collected. The man looked at him sheepishly and Wooyoung realized he should tell him who he was looking for. “I’m looking for Choi San?”

The man scrunched up his nose and furrowed his brow before shaking his head. He stood up while bickering with himself, and he walked to the little radio to turn down the volume. He looked back at Wooyoung. “Who are you looking for boy?”

“I’m looking for Choi San,” Wooyoung repeated.

The man raised his eyebrows and he stepped closer to him. “Are you a friend of him?” he asked curiously.

“Yes, he’s a friend,” as he said it, Wooyoung saw the look in the eyes of the man. He was doubting him. “We served in the army together, we’re good friends.”

“Ok,” the man sounded sort of surprised and Wooyoung could see he started to believe him. To make it more believable, Wooyoung grabbed his phone.

“I can show you a picture of us together, I have it somewhere on here…”

“Ok, ok, boy. I don’t need to see it,” the man said and he started laughing. He turned and he pointed to a door in the back of the building. “He’s in the back.”

Wooyoung felt relieved, as if a weight was lifted of his shoulders. He entered the shop and he looked for the door the man had pointed at. “Is it that door over there?” Wooyoung asked, pointing at it.

“Yes, just walk through there and then there is another one at the end. Just walk through it,” the man said, while leaning down again to work on the car.

“Thank you,” Wooyoung said while bowing. Then he turned around to walk to the door.

The shop was bigger than he initially thought and entering the bigger space the loud noise of a welder filled his ears. Going through the door, he seemed to be entering some sort of storage space where all sorts of tools and materials were being stored. He found the other door immediately, as there was a big sign above it in neon light that said ‘Lee Hoobin’s working space’. If the man had not instructed him to go there, he would have hesitated to open the door. Knowing that San was behind it, he opened it with excitement and nervous feelings.

The room he entered was lit by blacklight, a stark blue light making the room seem cold and stale. In the back of the room he could see the back of a figure wearing a black hoodie. He seemed to be holding something against his head as his arm was lifted up and his hand was pressing against his head. When the figure turned around, Wooyoung saw that it was San.

San’s eyes shot fire when he saw Wooyoung and he turned around with a jerk.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing here!?”

Wooyoung could see the blood on his teeth that was oozing out from his gums. He saw the bruising on his face, the dark blue discolouration on his cheek that made his face seem hollow. And he saw his eyes that were bloodshot, intensifying the look that he gave him.

“So I don’t pick up the phone for one goddamn minute and you take the liberty of coming to my job? Just totally disregarding our agreement on that!?”

Wooyoung slowly stepped forward. Did he expect this response from San? No, not really. Should he have expected it? Well, he knew he should have… “San, I was just wondering what was going on… I just wanted to…” He didn’t know what to say.

San threw his head back, the bag of frozen peas, he could now see, pressed harshly against his left eye. “You just wanted to see me, is that it? Oh fuck you and your bullshit!” San raised his right hand and he held up a finger, but it looked odd to him. That was when Wooyoung realized San was giving him the finger, only his middle finger was crooked as it was standing at a 45 degree angle.

“Holy shit,” Wooyoung blurted out as he looked upon San’s dislocated finger. San flashed a smile and he lowered his hand before facing away from him again.

What was this all about? Why was San responding like this and why was he so beaten up? Sure, Wooyoung should have maybe consulted with him first before he showed up at his work unannounced, but why all this sudden anger and why was he giving him the cold shoulder?

“So is it that bad that I just wanted to see you?” Wooyoung asked, lingering by the high table that was in the middle of the room and that was presumably used as a working table.

San jerked his head back and looked at him angrily, before turning away, having Wooyoung look upon his back again. “No, it’s not bad if you want to see me. But not giving a shit about our agreement is. There is a reason for that agreement, you know that, Wooyoung,” he almost spit his name out as if it was some kind of disease, and Wooyoung could feel it sting in his heart.

Feeling hurt, Wooyoung became bold. “Oh yeah, I know why. So I don’t have to see you like this right?” Wooyoung stepped forward and grabbed San’s shoulder to jerk him back. San looked at him in surprise and he was unable to stop Wooyoung when he grabbed the bag of peas from his hand and threw it on the table.

“You don’t want me to see you like this? What’s so bad about a bruised eye, I’ve seen worse! I don’t care what it looks like, it doesn’t affect me,” Wooyoung said while staring into San’s eyes.

“Oh isn’t that convenient. Now you suddenly don’t care? Now you’re going to say that you don’t care if I get hurt? Now you’re going to tell me that you won’t ask questions? Give me a fucking break Woo, you should have thought of that before you decided to come here to see how I was doing. You’re being a fucking hypocrite,” San loomed over him, clearly angry.

Wooyoung had enough of San’s showdown. He grabbed him by the shoulders and he pushed him back against the fridge with force that stood behind him in the corner. The fridge made a loud noise as it banged against the wall, and he could feel San’s body hunching over, clearly impacted by his heavy hand. San looked up at him in shock and his eyes widened when he felt how Wooyoung let his hand slide over his right arm and reach for San’s hand. 

“I’m not a hypocrite,” Wooyoung said, his face close to his and breathing into it. He grabbed San’s hand roughly and with his other hand he found his middle-finger. With a rough jerk, he pulled the finger out of its position and back into its socket.

San hunched over and moaned in pain, grabbing onto Wooyoung’s shoulder with his left arm. He cursed loudly, calling him names that in this situation almost felt like he was praising him. San probably didn’t expect Wooyoung to do such a thing, but then again, Wooyoung was not going to let San speak to him like that.

“Now who’s the hypocrite?” Wooyoung said, brushing his hand over San’s back.

“Fuck you,” San whispered, between gritted teeth, clearly in pain.

Wooyoung laughed and he brought his mouth to San’s ear. “It turns you on that I did this. It turns you on that I came here, admit it.”

Wooyoung felt how San shifted and he brought his arms around Wooyoung’s back to twist him around and slam him against the fridge. Wooyoung felt a jolt go through his shoulder, but realizing that what he said had awakened something in San made him glad and he endured the pain.

“Don’t provoke me,” San said, his beaten up face just inches away from his own face. His fiery eyes seemed to be piercing through him and he couldn’t resist what was inevitable.

Wooyoung kissed San roughly, pressing his lips against San’s lips while his fingers were curling around the fabric of San’s sweater to keep him close to him. San groaned, but he didn’t move away and instead he responded to the kiss, more eagerly than he had expected.

“I’m mad at you Wooyoung, stop doing this,” San said, in between kisses.

“I just wanted to see you ok, that’s all,” Wooyoung said, his hand lowering to balance on San’s hipbone and to pull him closer to him. He could taste the blood on San’s tongue and it turned him on. 

San suddenly pulled back when Wooyoung placed his hand on San’s crotch, where it had gone instinctively. Wooyoung could see in his furrowed look that he was still angry, but his kiss had awoken something in him, the same thing that he used to be seeing and Wooyoung knew that San was not as angry anymore as when he had entered the room. Maybe he was holding back, because he knew what he was capable of doing to him.

“Why didn’t you answer my calls? If you don’t want me no longer, I need you to come and tell me yourself,” Wooyoung said, his hand back on San’s hip.

“I will never not want you, Wooyoung, you have to understand that,” San closed his eyes and gritted his teeth, as if he was trying to suppress a burst of anger.

“Then why didn’t you come to see me?” Wooyoung cocked his head to the side. San was talking and acting in riddles, he needed to know that he was confused and that it was no light matter that he had taken the length to come see him here at his job.

“I just… I just thought that you needed some space after… After what we had done together,” San said.

Wooyoung was silent. How was he going to respond to that?

“I could see it in your eyes, Wooyoung,” San said, his eyes fixated on his.

“What did you see?” Wooyoung asked with a trembling voice. Did he know? Did he know how he felt about that night? Was he going to leave him because of it?

San closed his eyes and shook his head. “I didn’t call you, because I didn’t want to bother you. I don’t want to ruin your life any more than I have already done with this masochistic behaviour of mine. It’s sickening and I know it.”

No. No, Wooyoung thought. He never wanted him to not bother him. He always wanted him here with him even if it meant the worst things would happen. Because if he was here with him, he could endure them.

“Don’t you see that you have already done that? That you have already ruined it? The only way you can make it worse is if you keep staying away from me.”

The words were cruel. But they were true. They both knew that. San would not be able to tell him that he was wrong. Just like Wooyoung, San had to start to learn how to accept things as they were.

San looked at him and there were words lingering on his lips, but he wasn’t pronouncing them. Wooyoung knew what he wanted to say. He saw it by the way his shoulders were hanging down, that admitted his defeat. His demeanour told him that he was afraid of what he was doing to Wooyoung. How was Wooyoung going to let him know that it was ok? That he was fine with the things he did to him and that he was willing to experiment with him, even if this also scared him? Maybe he would even place his hands around his neck again – the thought went through his mind quickly and he felt a shiver go down his spine. Maybe he wouldn’t. He didn’t want to think about the things he would be willing to do in the future, the things that he would make himself do if it meant he could be with him. Right now, he felt his body loosen up as he finally found his way back into San’s arms, the sleepless nights and nerves that had made his body stiff coming to an end. He pulled himself closer to San. Let body language do the talking, he thought. He pulled on San’s belt and he placed his lips back on those of San.

“Let it go San, let it go,” Wooyoung whispered.

San leaned into Wooyoung’s body and groaned, his face scrunching up as he accepted Wooyoung’s words hesitantly.

“I’m sorry for what I said, you know I didn’t mean it,” San said in a pained way.

“I know.”

“I don’t want to be apart from you.”

“I know, San.”

Wooyoung could feel the way San was grinding up against him and he believed it when San had not contacted him out of consideration for him. There was nothing in the way his body talked that told him he didn’t want to be with him right now. Wooyoung deepened the kiss and he felt San lose control.

“Fuck me,” Wooyoung uttered.

“Here?” San’s voice was low. His left hand was travelling down to Wooyoung’s back and to his butt. 

“Did I stutter?” Wooyoung sounded mean and demanding, but he wanted San to be rough with him. To him, it was the only outcome of this situation. He forgot the questions he had when he had come here initially. He had forgotten what had changed between them, and he had chosen to ignore the fact that he had almost injured San beyond repair, a fact that he should not be ignoring at all. When it came down to it, Wooyoung was weak.

San turned him around roughly and pressed his face to the cold surface of the refrigerator. He felt how his hand slipped under his pants as he tried to pull it down. Swiftly, Wooyoung unbuckled his belt to make it easier for San. Before he knew it San was massaging his butt, was slipping a finger inside of him and moved his already hard cock in between his cheeks.

San fucked him hard against the fridge in the cold blue light and he came inside of him while pulling down on his hair, having Wooyoung look at the ceiling that was filled with car plates that reflected of the light and created strange colour palettes. Wooyoung’s worries had moved to the back of his mind and he could focus on that which was most important to him. How pain could be merged with pleasure. All because of his one and only, San. 

“KILL HIM!”

He heard Seonghwa’s voice behind him and he looked back, but in the distance he could only see a black clad figure holding up a rifle.

“Kill him, Wooyoung, you know you can do it,” Seonghwa’s voice was closer to Wooyoung than he was himself. He could hear him in his ear and he realized he was wearing earphones through which he could hear Seonghwa’s voice. He sounded urgent.

Wooyoung looked around him and he recognized the dark room he was in. It was the building where the terrorist attack had taken place and he was kneeling on the ground on top of something. He saw the flashing disco lights in the distance that illuminated the dancefloor, but in the corner where he was seated it was dark and he could barely see his own hands in front of him.

“You are in control, you have the upper hand,” Seonghwa told him in a calmer voice.

Wooyoung looked down, feeling the surface that he was seated on. To his shock, he realized he was seated on top of a person, as he had his knees on both sides of his body and was pushing the person down with his weight. He felt with his hands over the person their chest and the rough surface of a bullet vest could be felt. Then he heard the person starting to cough.

His eyes shot up to the man’s face. The faintly lit room cast dark shadows over the man’s face. Wooyoung could not recognize the face, it was severely beaten and bruised up, the cheeks swollen and the nose broken as streams of blood dripped down over his lips and down his chin. The man was coughing and it seemed this was because he was not able to breathe well from the blood that was filling his mouth. Wooyoung wasn’t sure, but he thought he saw that the man was missing a tooth. Looking up to his eyes, he couldn’t look into them. They were completely swollen and bruised which made it impossible for the man to open his eyes.

He suddenly felt the man gripping his hand that had been hovering above his chest. He squeezed his hand and he kept moving his mouth while going into coughing fits. It seemed he wanted to make something clear to him and Wooyoung looked to his hand to see why he was tugging on it.

He saw that his hand was shaking. His knuckles were red and blue, which had to be fresh wounds. That was when Wooyoung realized – just moments earlier, Wooyoung had been hitting the man, punching him in his face and knocking him out. The man yanked on his hand and he tried to force his fingers under his, so he could open up his hand that Wooyoung apparently had been holding in a tight fist. Upon realizing this, Wooyoung opened his hand and he looked at the palm of his hand. His palm was covered in blood and in the centre of it a white tooth was staring back at him.

Shocked, Wooyoung threw the tooth away and he sat back, letting the man fall on his back as he released his grip on him. What was this? Why was he here? He suddenly heard an awful sound, a horrible sound of a man that seemed to be both choking and laughing. Looking down, he noticed it was the man, his chest heaving in shocks, blood trickling down his cheeks as he laughed with a big smile on his face. And then he spoke.

“Choke me, Wooyoung.”

Wooyoung felt his entire body start to shake as a rush of adrenalin surged through it. He moved down, his face close to the man’s face and he looked at it, stared at it so he could see it. He was almost unrecognizable and at first he didn’t have a clue. But the laughter had given it away and looking closer at him now, he recognized his bone structure under the swelling.

“I’m your commander, do as I say!” in the distance, Wooyoung heard Seonghwa’s voice. “KILL HIM!”

Almost instinctively, Wooyoung moved his hands forward. They clawed up to San’s collar, grabbed onto the fabric and he pulled him slightly of the ground. Wooyoung looked at his face and even though he knew it was San, it didn’t look like him at all. There was so little left of him. Would it really hurt if he ended it for him?

San started laughing again, his body shaking with laughter. The gurgling sound that came out of his mouth, because he was choking on the blood affected Wooyoung badly and the smell of blood filled his nostrils. San opened his mouth and it was as if a puppet was talking to him.

“Choke me, I deserve it.” 

Wooyoung wrapped his hands around San’s throat and he started squeezing. His jaw dropped open, a gulf of blood flooding over his chin. He saw the gaps in his mouth where teeth had been knocked out. The teeth that had been knocked out because of his doing. Disturbed by the image, he squeezed tighter, as if he wanted the image to disappear as quick as possible and killing him quicker would help with that. In the faint light he saw his face starting to turn red, before it turned purple and then blue. In his ears there was the constant choking sound, the gurgling sound as San tried to draw breathe without being able to. He could feel the skin under his thumbs as if he was really there and when he pressed harder, he could finally feel the life leaving San’s body. His hands that had been clinging to the fabric of his sleeves dropped to his sides and Wooyoung was holding a lifeless body.

“You are my colleague before you are my lover.”

With a jolt Wooyoung sat up in his bed, the sheets sticking to his skin that were lathered in sweat.

He looked to his side and he saw the time. It was just minutes away from his alarm and he fell back into his pillows while pinching the bridge of his nose.

Who was the one that had said that in his dream? ‘You are my colleague before you are my lover’? He couldn’t recognize their voice, because the voice seemed to be a combination of several voices merged together. He knew Seonghwa had been talking to him, but it wasn’t his voice in particular. He would have recognized his voice.

He felt his body aching, screaming at him for the things he had put it through. But he did feel more rested, since he had finally been able to sleep even if his dreams had been filled with nightmares. The nightmares were strange however, they had been different this time. He had not had a nightmare before where the terrorist attack was merged with his nightmare about San. But he should not have been surprised that this would happen.

Yesterday was a mistake, he knew that. He didn’t regret going to San’s working place and he certainly didn’t regret hooking up with him again. He had craved it, like he always craved to be with him. However, he hadn’t been able to ask him the questions that he should have asked. The questions that were burning on his mind and were taunting him, the questions that left him restless at night and made him wake up from the horrible nightmares that started to get darker and darker.

He had lied to himself by saying that he would be able to overcome his worries and that he would be able to push his boundaries to satisfy San’s needs. He wanted to satisfy San always, but how could he do that if it meant he would bring him in danger? Did San not realize the power he had? What would happen if he lost control when violence was involved? He should know, because he had seen him losing control during the missions, during the terrorist attack, even back in the army. Why was he pushing him now?

If San really wanted this, then he needed to tell him the reasons for it. Wooyoung needed to know why he was hurting him, he needed a reason so that he could be able to sleep at night. He needed to know where San got his bruising from, that dislocated finger of his and his black eye. Their agreement didn’t make any sense to Wooyoung anymore, because it had only created a distance between them that Wooyoung so gladly wanted to overcome. He wanted to be as close to San as possible, and that could only happen if there were no secrets between them.

He knew the risks that were entailed if he knew that San was doing criminal activities. As a police officer, he was obliged to do something about it. Withholding information that could solve ongoing cases was a crime in itself. San didn’t want him to know these things, because he didn’t want to take away his most precious thing, a job in the force. But didn’t San realize that that was not what was most precious to him?

Yesterday he was weak. He had given in to his most basic instincts: being with San. But he knew that the same thing would happen over and over again. San wouldn’t answer his calls, he would be away and Wooyoung would have no clue where he was hanging out. When they did meet, San would be lying bruised up in his bed, his body wounded without Wooyoung knowing why. San would ask things of him that he was not sure he could fulfil and he wouldn’t be able to ask questions, something he so desperately wanted to do.

There was no other way around it. He had to confront San and he had to ask him the things that he was so afraid to ask, because asking them could have so many different outcomes. What if San would get mad again? Or worse, what if he would leave…

Wooyoung sat up and he felt the aching pain in his chest. There was pain in his sides and his shoulder was protesting. What bothered him however, was the way his heart was pounding out of his chest. The nightmares were taking a toll on him. As much as he tried to ignore the thoughts during the day, he couldn’t hide from the nightmares at night. They haunted him and showed him his deepest and darkest worries. He was afraid. The nerves were starting to kill him. This could not go on any longer.

He got out of bed. He grabbed his phone from his night stand and he looked for the Kakao app to open his chat with San. Then he typed a message.

_Can we meet somewhere tonight?_

San had answered his message not much later when he was at his work.

_Sure. Where do you want to meet?_

He knew that San was probably expecting something else, going from what they had done the day before. San’s passion for him had not faltered which had surprised Wooyoung and made him feel warm and fuzzy inside. There were some things San could hide for him, but when it came to his passion he seemed to be out of control. Since the moment he had come to know him in the army, San had gravitated towards him and he had not held back.

Wooyoung typed a new message and pressed send:

_Can we meet in a coffeeshop?_

By suggesting the place, San would come to realize that he had different intentions for their meeting. Suggesting a place that was public and thus being surrounded by people limited the things they could do to each other. He wondered how San was going to respond. Not soon after his phone buzzed.

_Ok. What time and what place?_

It was to the point and straightforward, but for some reason Wooyoung interpreted is a cold response, even if it probably wasn’t. San was connecting the dots, Wooyoung thought. What happened yesterday and this sudden request of his for a meeting in a public space, it would be too obvious to San. He had already accused him of it yesterday, _now you’re suddenly not going to ask questions?_ …Wooyoung was a fool. But he needed to go through with this. He knew it in his heart.

He typed a new message in which he gave the details of the place where they could meet. It was a little coffeeshop that he knew well. The space had a few corners where they could sit in peace and have a conversation without having people dropping eaves. He suggested to meet there at 8, but San quickly send back a message that he would not be able to make that time. They settled on 10 o’clock in the evening and Wooyoung closed his phone with trembling hands.

Entering the coffeeshop, the door made a ringing sound as a small golden antique bell moved from side to side on the ridge of the door. The warmth encompassed him instantly and the sounds of baristas at work behind the coffee machine filled the air. It was busy for a late night: he saw a few couples sitting behind the small round tables in the centre of the room, sipping on their mochas and some of the girls testing the new Winter edition coffees. There was a lot of noise coming from behind the bar as several baristas were just filling up the cabinets with clean coffee mugs and tea glasses. Wooyoung peered up at the hanging boards that were hanging above the bar, where the different coffees, teas and snacks were listed on.

“How can I help you?” a short lady with rounded glasses came up to the cash register, ready to take Wooyoung’s order.

Wooyoung walked forward and ordered a fruit tea. He had decided it was probably not a good choice to get a coffee, since it would most likely make him shaky and give him heart palpitations. He had taken a cocktail of medicine that was higher than his normal doses, a mistake he was not supposed to make twice. But the lingering pain he felt in his leg, a pain that normally wasn’t really there but had been worsened from standing on it while being taken from behind, and the pain in his chest that really asked for constant sedation, made him decide to take the extra medication. If he hadn’t, he probably wouldn’t have been able to get up from his couch and leave his apartment to meet with San. His body would simply give up on him and his knees would not have been able to hold him up.

So tea it was. A green tea to make sure he was still hydrated, so that he wouldn’t faint and drop to the ground. There was no time for him to be careless anymore.

As he waited for his tea to be made, he noticed a head of black hair in the corner of the room. San was already here. Funny, how he hadn’t seen him earlier when he entered the café. Had San seen him? When he finally got his tea, he went to walk over to the little booth where San was seated.

“Hey,” Wooyoung said, sitting down.

San looked up at him, his face looking strange. He vaguely could see the bruising around his eye and it was still clearly swollen, but he had covered it up with foundation, giving a glow to his skin that made it seem plastic. Of course, Wooyoung thought, since they were meeting in public he had to hide how beaten up he looked. He hadn’t thought about it earlier.

“Hey,” San replied, caught off guard. He hadn’t seen him come into the shop. He moved forward, his hands reaching over the table out to him. Looking around him, Wooyoung put his hand on top of San’s hand and he noticed the bandage that was around it.

“You went to the doctor?” Wooyoung asked naturally.

San pulled his hands back, realizing what was on show. He pulled up the sleeves of his sweater, to cover his hands. He shook his head. “No, I just bought some bandage.”

“You did it yourself?” Wooyoung asked surprised. He saw San’s face change and he realized what a dumb question it was. It looked very neat, so someone else must have done it. Looking at San’s face, he could see that he didn’t want to go into it further to tell him who did it.

“So you wanted to meet me here,” San looked up into his eyes. “For old time’s sake?”

Wooyoung realized what San was referring to. But of course, he remembered, that first time they had been here together and San had confessed to him that he liked him. When they had walked together into the bathroom and he had shown him his wound. If only they could go back to those times, when all seemed to be so much simpler. Wooyoung adjusted in his seat.

“I wanted to talk,” Wooyoung said.

San stared at him. “What about?”

Wooyoung stared back at him.

San narrowed his eyes. “About yesterday?”

“No, not about yesterday. Not about yesterday in particular.”

San adjusted in his seat. His brow furrowed and he saw a change in him. “You mean about what happened a week ago?”

“Yes.”

San dropped his head. Wooyoung looked at him nervously. He raised his head again and he saw how he reached for his collar to pull it down. Vaguely, he could see the imprints of his fingers. “Look, it doesn’t look that bad. It doesn’t hurt. It didn’t hurt in the first place.”

“I know,” it was all Wooyoung managed to say. He knew San was lying. He said it just so Wooyoung wouldn’t worry. Choking him had hurt him. But he had liked it and that was what he was trying to say.

San released the fabric and it sprung back to his neck. San folded his hands before him. Wooyoung saw a change in his eyes and his mouth became a tight thin line. He seemed on edge. “So?” he finally said. “What is it, Wooyoung? Just say it.” San was dreading what he was going to say. Wooyoung didn’t want to say it. But there was no going back for Wooyoung anymore. 

“Why did you want me to choke you?” Wooyoung asked in a low voice. “Why did you… enjoy it?” he felt his heart beating against his chest and he folded his hands before him, mirroring San. His hands were sweaty as he rubbed his fingers over the back of his hands.

San breathed in, breaking eye-contact. He opened his mouth slightly and Wooyoung saw his lower lip tremble. It was subtle, but he could see it, before San brought his hand to his mouth to cover it. Then he looked at him again. “If you don’t want to do it anymore, that’s ok.”

He saw the defeat in San’s eyes. The shame. No, no, this was not what was supposed to happen! He didn’t mean to make San uncomfortable, to make him regretful of the things that happened. If anyone had to be regretful, it was him, and not San. He didn’t want to make San feel like he was making him uncomfortable, like he was causing him pain. He needed him to know that he was just seeking to understand him.

“That’s not what I meant, San,” Wooyoung leaned forward, his right hand moving over the table to tuck on San’s arm. He wanted to hold his hand, he wanted him to know he was not attacking him. Reluctantly, San lowered his arm, so Wooyoung could find his hand and hold it. “I just want to know why. I wanted to know why you want me to do that. It’s difficult for me to do that, if I don’t know why.”

San lowered his eyes. He avoided eye-contact and Wooyoung noticed how his mouth turned back into this harsh line.

“Why won’t you tell me San? Why are you keeping this from me?”

“I can’t tell you Wooyoung,” San uttered.

“Why not? Aren’t we together?” Wooyoung squeezed his hand.

“We’re together,” San said, his eyes flashing up to his.

“Then tell me,” Wooyoung said. “I want to be with you fully. I want everything of you.”

“Everything?” San asked with a furrowed brow.

“I know… We had agreed not to talk about it. But it’s haunting me San. Maybe if you told me where you got all this bruising, it would be easier for me to understand.”

“What does that have to do with it?” San pulled his hand back.

Wooyoung felt frustrated. How was he going to make San understand? How was he going to tell him that not knowing everything made him doubt himself, made him wonder if he could really be there for San. Hurting him was difficult, but if he knew why he was doing it, why San was inflicting this pain on himself, maybe he could give it a place and he could start accepting it. 

“You know I would never tell the police about any of the illegal things that you do,” Wooyoung whispered, leaning forward. He already knew that there was far more going on then that San was just working at a garage. He was not stupid.

San’s eyes went big.

“Just tell me, San. I want to be there for you,” Wooyoung pleaded.

“I’m not going to talk about that,” San said abruptly, leaning back.

“Why not?” Wooyoung was surprised by San’s harsh answer. So he had been serious when he decided on their agreement not to talk about their jobs. “I just… want to understand. I cannot look at this,” he reached for San’s bandaged hand, “and not know the reason for it. It keeps me up at night.”

San gritted his teeth, pulling his hand back. Wooyoung sensed that he was becoming irritated. “I said, I don’t want to talk about it and I don’t want you to ask after it.”

Wooyoung leaned back into his seat. He saw the look on San’s face, which told him that this was his final answer on the matter. So he was not going to tell him. A part of him broke as he looked at San’s harsh face. He swallowed a big lump in his throat.

“Am I only to get your body and not your soul?”

San shook his head. “I give you my everything, why do you need more, Wooyoung, why?”

“Is this how it’s going to be then? We don’t talk about it, we’re going to pretend like it hasn’t happened, even though it has changed our life tremendously? Why do you want to keep that part hidden from me, what’s the point?”

“Now what is it that we’re talking about exactly? I thought we had agreed not to talk about our ‘jobs’, if that’s what you’re referring to. And you know why we don’t do that.”

“Do I?” Wooyoung scoffed. “I don’t think I know the exact reason why. All I know is that I won’t talk about it because I don’t want to hurt you. But now you’re asking me to do the exact opposite. Don’t you understand how that is conflicting?” Wooyoung sighed. How was he going to get through San’s head? Then he decided to just say it. “If I have to do this thing for you, I need to know the reason why,” Wooyoung said under his breath.

“You don’t need to do anything,” San said. “If I made you feel like you had to do anything, then please understand that was not my intention.”

“I’ll do it for you, San,” Wooyoung retorted. “I just need to know why,” he was basically begging him now. He knew he was losing him and with every inch of his being he was trying to hold on. “Just tell me what has been going on in your life, I want to understand, I want to be there for you, like you are there for me.”

“I cannot give you what you want, Wooyoung. We have agreed on this before, why do you come back to this now?”

Wooyoung felt defeated. In a final effort, he said what he didn’t want to say. “I am not going to inflict pain on you like this without knowing the reason why, I have a conscience too,” Wooyoung said. He knew it was going to scare San of and still he had said it.

“I know you do. That’s why you’re in the police and I am not.”

Oh. So it _was_ about that. It was about the difference between them, how he was still serving in the force and San was not. San had decided for himself that he suddenly was not included in that world anymore and that he was different from Wooyoung now. It was like he was shot in his chest again, the same hurt he felt knowing what San was telling him. They had grown apart.

“Let me in, San. Please,” Wooyoung pleaded. The knowledge of their inevitable separation resounding in his voice.

This was it. His final plea. His final attempt of gaining access to San’s entire being. Everything in San’s demeanour told him that he wasn’t going to let him in. Wooyoung should have known that everything that happened since the terrorist attack was a failed attempt to hold onto something that was already a lost cause. Him and San together, it was never going to be a happy ending. They both needed each other too much and as a result pushed each other away when they felt they were about to hurt the other. Wooyoung had lost his dignity as a fully functioning police man, while San had given up his dignity as a police man to equal out his loss with that of Wooyoung. But it would never be the same, they would never be able to reach each other’s level without losing something else in the process. They were not meant to be in a relationship, because they simply didn’t know how to without hurting the other.

San looked him straight in his eyes. There was no sign of emotion as he uttered the word, “no.”

He had told San he was going home. San didn’t hold him back, he let him go without asking him to stay. His calmness was even more hurtful to Wooyoung then if he had been angry at him. 

“We’ll stay in contact,” Wooyoung had said. But it was a lie and they both knew it.

The moment he stepped out of the coffeeshop he had wanted to turn back around and go back inside again. He had wanted to apologize to San, tell him that he didn’t need to know everything and that he was willing to experiment, that they should just take their time while doing so. He wanted to take back everything that he had said, but he knew too well that he couldn’t.

With heavy legs he marched forward through the shopping street, tears pricking behind his eyes as he realized what he had done. He had killed it. He had killed the last thing he had with San and he regretted everything he had said. But there was no turning back and this reality ate away at him with every step he took.

He thought about taking an overdose. Immediately, he cursed himself for thinking something like that. San would be mad at him if he ever did something like that. It was funny how his mind always went immediately to San. Everything he did, it involved San in some way. He wondered how much San would still be involved in the decisions he would make in the future, since he was not sure if he was even going to see him any time soon.

He couldn’t go home. If he went home, he knew he would take part in some sort of self-destructive behaviour and the thought of that even scared himself.

He felt like he needed distraction, something which would allow him to vent all his frustrations. Something that would take his mind off of things completely. Where would he go?

The thought of going to the hospital suddenly flooded his mind. He could go and visit Yeosang, the thing that he had been delaying and dreading for a long time now. It was time to finally get over his fear of visiting him. The pain was already present in his heart, the open wound had already ruptured so why wouldn’t he give into it entirely and let him be consumed by it? 

Wooyoung got his phone from his pocket and he searched through his chat with Seonghwa, looking for the information that told him the room number of Yeosang in the Gangnam hospital. Typing was difficult, since tears were blurring his vision. When he found the information he closed his phone and buried his hands deep into his pockets, determined to find the subway station and get back to Gangnam to go to the hospital.

Luckily it didn’t take too long before he found himself at the correct station and was walking down the stairs, taking care not to put too much pressure on his leg. The hospital was next to the station and Wooyoung was glad, since he felt his legs were giving way under him.

He needed time for his eyes to adjust to the harsh white light that greeted him as he entered the hospital. It was late, so there were not a lot of people in the hospital, but still there was a fair amount of people that were there to receive care. He recalled how he had been here just a few days earlier, against his own will. That he found himself here now was double, because he probably wouldn’t have gone here earlier, despite Seonghwa’s encouragements to do so.

Wooyoung walked through the big hallway and he looked up at the signs that told him where the different wards were. He quickly found the sign that told him where the intensive care was and with confident strides he walked in that direction. He needed to take a lift to the third level and then from there on out he had to walk down a hallway to reach a counter where he could ask to visit Yeosang.

“What is your association with Kang Yeosang, sir?” the lady behind the desk asked him calmly.

“I’m his colleague,” Wooyoung said, and he reached in his pocket to retrieve his wallet in which he was carrying his badge. He held up the emblem and upon seeing it, the woman stood up from her seat to show Wooyoung the way. There were a lot of conveniences that came with being a police officer.

They walked through the hallway and turning around the corner, the nurse stopped in front of a door that was on their left hand side.

“He’s in here. If you have any questions or worries, you can call someone with the emergency button. We know that you are in the room so we won’t be alarmed by the call,” she told him before bowing and leaving him to enter the room on his own.

As he stepped into the room, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten to bring something for Yeosang. He saw the flowers in the windowsill that were all in different stages of withering before he saw Yeosang. There was a curtain that separated of his section from another bed, but there was no other person lying in the room, despite it being able to house four different patients. Wooyoung walked towards the bed and standing in front of it, he finally saw his colleague Yeosang again.

It had been too long. In his heart he felt an ache for the sorrow he felt for not having visited Yeosang earlier. Upon looking at his body, he felt the same disgust he had felt after those initial days after the terrorist attack and the despair he had felt back then suddenly came rushing back to the surface. He grabbed the footboard of Yeosang’s bed and he tried to steady himself as he felt himself becoming dizzy, overwhelmed by the feelings that were coming back to him. Anger, hatred, regret. Regret for not acting quick enough to save his friend.

Looking at Yeosang felt the same way as when he had first seen him lying in that bed. He remembered, how Seonghwa had rolled him through the hospital in his wheelchair, to bring him to Yeosang’s room to see the state he was in. He didn’t feel well, he felt nauseous with the thought of what Yeosang had become. He had wished the next time he would visit Yeosang he would be doing better, but he hadn’t. The months that had passed since the attack, it had done nothing to Yeosang. He had remained a plant that was being kept alive by machines. Wooyoung slapped a hand against his mouth as he gasped. This wasn’t a life. Why were they doing this?

Yeosang had a long thick tube that went into his mouth and a smaller tube that went through his nose. They were secured on his face with tape so that they would not move around. He could also see that there was a tube connected to his neck. They had inserted the tube in an incision to go into his chest. His arms, that lay on top of the blankets, both had needles in them and were attached to IVs. His skin was sickly white and ashy, the skin on his face dry and flaky. He didn’t look like Yeosang anymore, he looked like a monster, trapped in his own body.

Wooyoung walked around the bed slowly, his hand carefully touching the bedding, to reach for Yeosang’s hand. They were keeping him alive for them, for his family and for his friends. He wouldn’t have wanted this, Wooyoung knew. How long were they going to keep up with this? How long were they going to let him waste away here in this hospital bed, before they would finally unplug the machines?

But he was alive, he was breathing and his heart was beating, even if his eyes remained closed. The constant beeping sound of a heart rate monitor behind his bed and the sucking sound of the oxygen machine confirmed to Wooyoung that he was still with them, although he could not respond. Wooyoung wrapped his fingers around Yeosang’s hand and he squeezed lightly. Did he know he was here? 

“Yeosangie,” Wooyoung whispered. “It’s Wooyoung, I came to visit you.”

He looked upon Yeosang’s face, that remained in the same position as before. There was nothing that changed.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come here before,” Wooyoung said, and as he heard himself say it, he noticed what utter bullshit it was. He was not sorry about not coming before. He didn’t want to come and he would have delayed it even longer had it not been for the situation he had found himself in right now and for how frustrated he felt.

He hated hearing himself say these things. Things he didn’t mean. Visiting Yeosang brought back so many memories, memories he wished he could erase from his mind. The memories from the terrorist attack were one thing, but then there were the other memories. Wooyoung couldn’t deny with whom he associated Yeosang and knowing that part of his problems with San stemmed from Yeosang made him feel conflicted towards Yeosang. He was his friend, he would do anything for him, but why had he played such a vital part in San’s betrayal?

He wished he could talk with Yeosang, ask him why he had done the things he had done, why he had ruined what he had with San. Did he know San was with him? Did he know what he had ruined? He realized that most of his problems with San had started when he had cheated on him with Yeosang and it bothered him greatly – what if it hadn’t happened? What would his relationship with San have looked like? Would they not be having all these problems that continued on to do this day in which they constantly tried to fix what had already been broken?

But he could talk to him, Wooyoung realized. He would not respond to him, but maybe he could hear the things he said. He did not have a lot of knowledge on coma’s, but he knew that some people that had been in a coma would recall conversations people had with them while they were out.

Wooyoung found a small chair behind him and he pulled it closer to sit next to Yeosang.

“Yeosang,” Wooyoung started, moving closer to his face and to his ear. “Why did you let him fuck you, huh?”

Wooyoung looked around him, hearing his own voice resonating in the room, louder than it presumably was. But he was alone in the room, no one could hear him, save for Yeosang if he could actually hear him.

“Why did you do it?” Wooyoung felt weird talking to Yeosang like this, knowing that he couldn’t reply. But the questions had been on his mind from the day it had happened. He had wanted to ask him for so long, so why not now? They were finally alone together.

“Did you know about our relationship?” He narrowed his eyes. “…If you knew then why did you do it, huh? Why did you do it!? Why did you ruin it!” the tone of his voice had become sharp without him realizing it.

“Did you like it? Did it feel good? What did San see in you that he didn’t see in me? Is it because you were not broken?” Wooyoung caught himself mid-sentence, realizing what he was saying. He jerked back in response, shocked by what he found himself doing. He jumped up from his chair.

He shouldn’t have come here.

What in the hell was he thinking? To be asking these questions that were beyond selfish to a man that had been in a coma for over three months!? He threw his hands up, covering his eyes, feeling the tears pricking behind his eyes from the embarrassment and disgust he felt.

He realized what an awful human being he was. It all clicked: how he had allowed himself to take control over San and had taken complete advantage of this control and how it had even turned him on. But it had nearly killed San. His greed and his lust had nearly killed San. How could he be turned on by that? He felt disgusted. And now he was blaming Yeosang, a man who had almost given his life for the rest of his team, and he was interrogating him like it was some sort of police interrogation. His mind was fucked up. He was fucked up. He should not have done the things he had done. He should have not come to Yeosang and taken out his frustration and regret on him.

It was a good thing he had had the conversation he had with San today. It finally made him realize an essential truth. He loved San, but he needed to let go. It could no longer go on like this.

“I’m sorry Yeosang,” Wooyoung said in a broken voice. “I’m sorry, I should know better. I’m fucked up.”

He wiped the tears away from his cheeks. He brushed his hand over that of Yeosang and he said what he had wanted to say since the day he woke up after the terrorist attack. “I wish it was me in that bed. I wish it was me.”

Wooyoung found himself hastily leaving Yeosang’s room, leaving behind the beeping sounds and loud noises coming from the respiration machines. He went through the doorway, the tears in his eyes blurring his vision making the hallway darker then he remembered it and he stumbled forward as he tried to find a steady walking pace. He walked past the many doors that were housing other patients in critical conditions and had similar sounds coming from out of their doorways.

He needed to get out the hospital as quick as he could. The sounds, the smells and the atmosphere, it reminded him too much of all the things that had happened and had happened to him. It reminded him of the awful situation he had found himself in and what he had done to make things worse. None of this should have happened. If he had not let himself lose control, it all wouldn’t have happened.

The intense regret that filled his entire being nearly brought him to the ground and with all his might, Wooyoung strode through the hallways, making sure not to look into anyone’s eyes for fear they might see the state he was in.

Go home, Wooyoung told himself. Go home, and open up the liquor cabinet. He knew he had a stash of some whisky’s in his cabinet that he could be drinking to ease the pain. It would slow down his thinking, it would fog his mind. He could take a bath, watch a John Wick movie, lose himself into a fantasy world with violent scenes to satisfy his needs and to calm his mind.

The realization shook Wooyoung to his core. He had been able to suppress it, only small bits had been eating away at his mind before. But today he had opened up the wound, which he had inflicted on himself. No one else would have been able to show him what was so fundamentally wrong about him. San had his own issues and he would not tell Wooyoung the things that he knew in fear of hurting him. Yeosang wasn’t able to speak to him and the police department only saw his exterior being and of what use he was to the force, ignoring any problems that he might have. Wooyoung had been able to hide his true being from himself for a long time, but the facts were catching up on him. His actions had shown who he truly was inside and why everything he had done so far in the army and the force was so intrinsically wrong. The veil was finally lifted: there was nothing good about Wooyoung. All the things he had done for the police in supposed good conscience had been wrong. San had never been the problem, he was. Wooyoung was the one who was inherently wrong.

He regretted everything. He wanted to erase every single bad thing he had ever done from his mind. He wanted to be better, he was still human and there was always this lingering urge to do good. Could he be fixed? Or was this the way he was born?

Wooyoung shook his head. What was the point? Why should he give it anymore thought? Accepting this sudden revelation was already difficult enough as it was. Fuck everything for tonight, he thought, let’s go back home and drink himself to sleep. Let’s drink and stop feeling anything for tonight.

Wooyoung moved through the hallways past the desk where the same lady that showed him the way was still seated. He averted his eyes, even though he saw her looking up at him. As a result he started walking faster, his gaze on the ground.

Walking to the lift, he suddenly saw a familiar face stepping out of the lift with a bouquet of flowers in his hands.

“Wooyoung?” Seonghwa recognized him instantly, even though he had tried to turn his face away to try and avoid to be recognized. He let his head drop, trying to hide the fact that he was crying.

“Have you come to visit Yeosang?” Seonghwa started, but then he saw his face. “Hey, what is going on, Wooyoung?” Seonghwa walked towards him and Wooyoung’s failed attempt to hide his tears had now ruined his plan to leave the hospital as soon as possible. But he could feel the warmth that grew inside of him however, at the sight of a familiar face. 

“Hey Seonghwa,” Wooyoung said, his gaze still fixated on the ground.

“What’s going on, man?” He sounded concerned for him and it was the exact type of reaction he couldn’t use right now. He was on the point of breaking.

“Oh, nothing, I just…” his voice broke. He couldn’t hold back his tears anymore and his throat felt tight. He felt so horrible and seeing his good friend Seonghwa made it even worse.

“Hey, hey -” Seonghwa stepped forward and he put an arm around his shoulder. “Come here. It’s ok. You decided to visit Yeosang, right? I know, it’s tough, let it all out.”

Of course, Seonghwa would interpret his breakdown as a result of seeing Yeosang in his current state of being. It was part of it, but it wasn’t the jest of it. But he was glad he didn’t have to explain that to Seonghwa right now.

“Come on, walk with me, let’s go somewhere more quiet,” Seonghwa said, pulling him with him. He hadn’t noticed that people started to look at them, since he had his head buried in his hands, rubbing the tears from his eyes with his palms. 

“Come, sit down, let’s have a breather,” Seonghwa said as he guided him to a little bench where the two of them could sit together. “Why didn’t you call? We could have gone to Yeosang together.”

“I know,” Wooyoung hiccupped. “I was just thinking about him and came here on a whim.”

“Of course, I get it. It’s ok. But you can always call me, you know that right?”

“I know,” Wooyoung felt stupid. He was a grown man, why was he crying in a god damn hospital like a fucking baby? Yes, the sudden realization of his cruel nature had shocked him, but it was nothing that he didn’t already knew, that he hadn’t already lived with his entire life. Why was he crying when instead he could be laughing about an unchangeable fact of his life?

“Oh man, I’m sorry,” Wooyoung said, rubbing the back of his hands over his cheeks to wipe away the tears. He forced out a smile and laughed, “this is pathetic.”

“No, no, it isn’t, Wooyoung,” Seonghwa said and he put a hand on his shoulder. Wooyoung looked to his side to see Seonghwa looking at him with empathy. “You want to know how many times I cried in this hospital? Now that is embarrassing, you wouldn’t be able to surpass me on that,” he cracked a smile.

Wooyoung couldn’t help but to smile genuinely. He slapped his hand on Seonghwa’s knee. “You have always been the big baby of our squad.”

Seonghwa looked up at him in surprise. There was a look in his eyes and it took Wooyoung off guard. He decided to have a laugh. “Oh wait, that’s right. I can’t call the new commander a crybaby. That would be _really_ embarrassing.” 

Seonghwa stared back at him, his mouth slightly opening before he closed it again. Wooyoung realized his hand was still resting on Seonghwa’s knee. Swiftly, he pulled his hand back.

“You came here to bring Yeosang flowers?” Wooyoung asked, changing the subject smoothly, but he could hear how his voice was shaking nervously. What was happening here?

Seonghwa lifted the bouquet of flowers and looked at it with a furrowed brow. “Yeah, I came to visit Yeosang. I try to come at least once a week, but it has been quite busy at the job, you know the drill.”

Wooyoung nodded. “Yeah, I know. It’s really nice you take time out of your day to visit Yeosang. I mean, it’s already quite late,” Wooyoung said.

Seonghwa retrieved his phone from his pocket. He could see the screen light up when Seonghwa clicked the power button. The display showed it was almost 11:30. Seonghwa looked surprised. “Oh damn, it is late! it’s already past 11. I didn’t know it was that late. I went straight here after finishing up some reports.”

“You shouldn’t push yourself too much, Seonghwa,” Wooyoung said.

Seonghwa smiled. “Don’t worry about it.”

Wooyoung felt kind of awkward. He wanted to go home and he wanted to leave Seonghwa to what he came to do here, because he could see that he was tired too. He started to stand up. “Go to Yeosang. I’m going home, it’s been a long day. You shouldn’t stay here too long either.”

Seonghwa stood up, mirroring Wooyoung’s action. “Oh wait, Wooyoung,” he said. “I have an idea. Why don’t you come have a drink at my place tonight? I think we both need it.”

Wooyoung was surprised by Seonghwa’s sudden suggestion. He looked up to meet his eyes and he saw the sincerity in them and how badly he wanted him to take him up on his offer.

“We can watch sports, pop open a bottle and just relax,” Seonghwa turned his body to face Wooyoung. “You know, for old time’s sake.”

He wasn’t entirely sure if it was a good thing to be joining Seonghwa to his house tonight. But a drink was all he really needed. Whether he was going to drink alone or together with Seonghwa, there wasn’t a big difference. Something told him that he shouldn’t join Seonghwa, but tonight everything was different. Oh what the hell, Wooyoung thought, why not.

“Yeah, why not, I’ll join you,” Wooyoung said.

Seonghwa flashed a bright smile. “Awesome!” He was almost jumping up like a little child and Wooyoung wondered if he had made a mistake, cringing at how unnecessarily excited Seonghwa sounded. He couldn’t deny however how getting pissed drunk with Seonghwa really did sound like a great alternative to his own pity party at home. It was a welcome change to his miserable day.

“I’ll go bring these flowers to Yeosang, say hello to him. You just stay seated here and I’ll come to you shortly so we can go down to the garage to my car, ok?” it was weird how Seonghwa was talking about Yeosang as if he was conscious and was able to talk to him. Wooyoung nodded his head, telling Seonghwa that it was ok.

Seonghwa turned around and Wooyoung watched him walk back to the counter where the same woman was still seated. He saw how her eyes flashed to him, then to Seonghwa and then fixated on Wooyoung. Why was she looking at him like that? He looked at Seonghwa as he reached the counter and started speaking to her and she stopped looking at Wooyoung. That’s when Wooyoung realized why she had been looking at him. Looking upon Seonghwa’s back, he realized how handsome he looked in that outfit of his: all black, a fitted pants and a heavy duty police jacket. His hair was slicked back and his neck was covered in a black undershirt with a high collar, accentuating his long neck. The woman had seen how they had sat together and she was wondering why Wooyoung was with him. She was jealous of him.

Wooyoung couldn’t help but snicker. He had always been so close to Seonghwa that he had never looked at Seonghwa in that light, that he could be a handsome guy. But looking at him now from a distance, he realized that he really was a good looking man. No wonder he always had good game in the club and the girls were always swarming him. He never really noticed, because he had no reason to mind.

Wooyoung saw Seonghwa disappear around the corner and he reached into his pocket to retrieve his phone. There were no messages. No missed calls. San had not tried to contact him and realizing this he felt a sting in his heart. “Fucking piece of shit,” he muttered under his breath, while closing his phone and shoving it back into his pocket. He felt the heat travel to his neck and he dug his nails into his thighs as the anger consumed him once again.

He was hopeless, he thought. Despite the things he kept telling himself, he couldn’t control the way he felt about San. It was a good thing he was going home tonight with Seonghwa. He needed the distraction, so he could forget.

He leaned back against the cold wall, feeling his body aching from soreness. He closed his eyes and the hospital sounds travelled to the back ground as he waited for Seonghwa to pick him up.

They were both silent when they drove through Gangnam to Seonghwa’s house. That Seonghwa had an electric car made it even quieter inside the car and it caused Wooyoung to be on edge. He looked to Seonghwa from the corner of his eyes and he saw how smoothly Seonghwa was driving his car, his left hand gripping the steering wheel his right hand was resting on his thigh. His eyes were on the road and he slowed down the car to roll down to a red light.

Looking at him managed to calm Wooyoung down. He was so calm and collected, it subconsciously rubbed off on Wooyoung. He suddenly didn’t mind the quiet anymore, because he saw that Seonghwa didn’t mind it either.

He wanted to thank Seonghwa. He wanted to thank him for asking him to join him home. He had no idea what he had saved him from… Wooyoung knew deep down that he would have done stupid things if he had gone home alone. Right now, he didn’t have access to his alcohol. Or his pills. He remained quiet however, he didn’t want to ruin the chill atmosphere that was in the car.

Seonghwa reached the neighbourhood he lived in and he drove down an alleyway to park his car in a garage that was under the apartment complex where he lived. They exited the car and Seonghwa locked it before leading the way.

It had been a while since he had been at Seonghwa’s place. They used to meet a lot more often when he was still in the unit and they would order pizza or chicken and have a beer while watching a crime series or whatever else was on TV. They didn’t watch sports often, but when they did they would watch rugby, a sport they both enjoyed playing. It was a sport they both used to play as an alternative to the gym workouts at the job.

They took up the lift to the second floor and Seonghwa asked Wooyoung if he was fine with beer and soju, or if he wanted him to go down to the little convenience store to get different drinks. Wooyoung told him it was fine and Seonghwa assured him he had a full crate of Cass beer and at least eight bottles of different flavours of Soju. Wooyoung jokingly thought, could Seonghwa be an alcoholic?

Wooyoung sat down on Seonghwa’s couch and instantly he felt the heavy weight that was pressing on his shoulders. God, he needed a drink, and quick, or else this feeling was never going to go away.

“Here,” Seonghwa came into the living room and he reached out a bottle of beer to Wooyoung, which Wooyoung took from his hand gladly. He put the bottle to his mouth and he leaned his head back, taking a few big gulps, before placing the bottle down. “Ah, that is really good, I needed that. Thanks, Seonghwa.”

“Of course,” Seonghwa said. “And there’s more where that came from. Just help yourself, I have put a few in the fridge so we can drink them cold.” He sat next to Wooyoung and he reached out with his bottle to clink it with that of Wooyoung, so Wooyoung leaned forward to grab his bottle from the table. “Cheers,” they said in harmony.

Just like him, Seonghwa took a few big gulps and he watched his Adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallowed down the alcohol.

“I really needed this,” Wooyoung said with a sigh. He took another swig and he felt the liquid travel down his throat.

Seonghwa leaned back into his seat. Wooyoung could feel his eyes fixate on his back. “You really did, huh.”

Seonghwa turned on the TV and he zapped through the different channels to find a sports channel. There was football on TV, the national team was playing. Seonghwa decided to leave it on and they watched in silence. They quickly moved on to their second beer and for convenience Seonghwa had brought their third beer along as well from his trip to the fridge. The night moved along steadily, but what had happened in the hospital, was still lingering on Wooyoung’s mind.

“I didn’t mean for you to see me like that,” Wooyoung said, his fingers wrapping tightly around the bottle of beer.

“It’s tough seeing him like that, I know. Don’t apologize for that,” Seonghwa responded. Wooyoung didn’t look at him, but he could hear him take another sip of the beer.

“I don’t know, it’s just that… Why did he have to take on so much? Why does he need to be in a coma? It’s not fair,” Wooyoung was thinking out loud.

“No it’s not. But it’s what happened. We cannot change anything about it. All we can do is be there for Yeosang,” Seonghwa said.

Wooyoung thought about what Seonghwa said and he couldn’t help but disagree. He shook his head. “We could have done something about. I could have done something about, I just know that in my heart. I should have…” he paused, hesitating. “I should have been quicker, more swift, more efficient. I took my time, but I should have been more relentless.”

“What are you saying, Wooyoung?” Seonghwa sat up and he leaned forward to talk with Wooyoung while looking into his eyes. “You know that doesn’t make any sense. You acting quicker wouldn’t have made a difference. Out of all of us, you were the quickest. You were the first one on the scene, for God’s sake.”

Wooyoung shot a look at Seonghwa. “I know. It’s just…” what did he want to say? His thoughts were a mess, the overwhelming regret of the evening still very much present and clouding his mind. “I want to make things better. I want to work harder so I can make things better for those that have been hurt because of all of this. You know, I actually really want to make this Task Force work. I still don’t believe in my supposed talents as an ‘expert’ but I’m willing to do anything to make things better, that something like this never has to happen again.”

“That’s all good and well,” Seonghwa said, placing his bottle on the table. He turned to face Wooyoung. “But what about you?”

The question took Wooyoung off guard. “What about me?” What did he mean by that?

“Yes, what about you. Yeosang is in the hospital in critical conditions, but I remember very well that you were in the same position as him as well. I remember you were attached to the same machines as him and I remember very well how scared we were for your life. You must know this Wooyoung, please don’t tell me you have forgotten.”

“I haven’t,” Wooyoung said in a soft voice.

“You took a big part of the damage, Wooyoung. You’re still healing, I’ve been long enough in the force to know that wounds like the ones you have suffered from take a long time to heal. Maybe they will never heal and you will just have to live with the pain forever. You did a lot for the team, Wooyoung. They didn’t just give you a title for bravery, but also for the extreme blows you had to suffer. And I don’t think you realize that. I think you don’t allow yourself to truly feel the pain and you don’t allow yourself to grieve,” Seonghwa had placed his hand on Wooyoung’s wrist and he grabbed onto it, shaking him almost to make him understand the importance of what he was saying. “I know what you lost, Wooyoung. Don’t think we don’t know that, don’t think that we, your colleagues and your loved ones, don’t know what you have lost. So that’s why I ask, what about you, Wooyoung. How have you been doing? We care about you. I care about you. I know you’re used to pushing yourself, but please, give yourself a break. I know you’re suffering.”

Wooyoung fell silent. Oh, he thought. So it was obvious that he was suffering, even if Seonghwa probably didn’t know how deep his suffering went. He was surprised by Seonghwa’s words and for the first time in months, he felt like he was being seen, by someone other than San. It felt strange and somewhat uncomfortable, but he also felt the warmth in the pit of his stomach, the emotion that went through his body, knowing that Seonghwa was really seeing him.

“It’s difficult,” Wooyoung managed to say, his hands trembling and his voice soft as it was about to break. He felt nervous, his sweaty palms making the bottle slide between his hands. He felt nauseous as the memories of his hospitalization came back to him and the realization of what it had not only done to him, but also to his colleagues who had to witness it all. “But I’m trying my best.”

“I know you do, Wooyoung, you don’t have to tell me that,” Seonghwa’s voice was soft again and he put an arm around his shoulder. He felt the warmth of Seonghwa’s body radiate through his clothes.

“I just… I lose myself in my job. It’s the only way I know how to deal with things,” Wooyoung finally said.

“That’s ok. I do that too. But sometimes you should not push yourself so much. Just take a breather, come to my place and have a drink. Have a laugh and don’t lock yourself up in your apartment where it’s just you and your thoughts. And when you want to have a good manly cry session, I’m here for you too. Anyone else who would be put through the things you’ve been put through wouldn’t be able to stop crying for days, so if you want to shed a tear or two then by God, I think you should be able to do so,” Seonghwa made his comment sound light-hearted, because he knew the air was thick with repressed feelings and emotions. They were men after all, they couldn’t talk too long about these things before things started to become uncomfortable. But Wooyoung was relieved. He was relieved that Seonghwa had asked after him. It had been a long time since someone had asked how he was doing.

“Now kick back those feet and I’ll get us some soju. I believe soju always works too if you want to relax,” Seonghwa said with a big smile.

Wooyoung returned his smile. For the first time today he finally felt somewhat at ease. He was not sure whether it had been Seonghwa’s little pep talk or that the alcohol had started to kick in. Either way, he felt his body start to relax and as Seonghwa had suggested, he kicked back his feet and he watched as Seonghwa got a bottle of soju from the fridge and two shot glasses.

The night moved along gradually and he wasn’t sure what the time was. He knew he was supposed to go home, since tomorrow was just another day at the job. However, Seonghwa had quickly suggested that he could crash on the couch if he wanted to. Since the alcohol was giving its desired effect, Wooyoung felt like it was a great suggestion and he thought about sleeping over.

“I want another beer,” Wooyoung announced when the football match had ended and he stood up, simultaneously with Seonghwa.

“I’ll get it, sit down,” Seonghwa said, elbowing Wooyoung to get past him, but Wooyoung didn’t let him pass.

“No, I’ll get it, you sit down,” Wooyoung said in a fake dominant tone.

“No, I’ll get it!” Seonghwa said, squeezing him in his side which made him cringe. Surprised by his action, Wooyoung giggled. Seonghwa went past him and walked over to the fridge, looking back at Wooyoung with a scared look knowing that he was starting a game.

Wooyoung was ready to play. He sprinted forward, reaching Seonghwa so quickly that he had not even been able to open the fridge yet. He pulled on the handle of the fridge, but Seonghwa pushed against the door so he was unable to open it.

“I want my beer!!” Wooyoung said, sounding like an impatient infant, but it was all part of the little game they were playing.

“If you want your beer, sit your ass back on the couch and I’ll give it to you,” Seonghwa placed his hand on Wooyoung his hand and he looked down at him. He sounded dominant. It almost sounded like he really meant it. Wooyoung loosened his grip on the door handle. He took a step back, throwing his hands in the air.

“I’ll let you get the beer,” Wooyoung said, his eyebrows raised, faking innocence.

“Nah, you’re going to jump me when I open that door,” Seonghwa said. Again, he sounded more real than this game was asking for.

“Honest, I won’t jump you. I promise,” Wooyoung crossed his fingers while his hands were still up in the air. “I won’t jump you.”

Seonghwa narrowed his eyes. He turned to the fridge and slowly he opened it.

Wooyoung jumped forward, he pushed the fridge open and his hands were grasping for the bottles of beer lying in it. Seonghwa moved his body in front of the fridge, blocking his way into the fridge and a little wrestling session started to unfold. He felt how Seonghwa was placing his hands on his sides, over his arms and then grabbed onto his wrists. Instinctively Wooyoung responded and he pushed Seonghwa against the door of the fridge.

“Wow, wow,” Seonghwa loosened his grip on his wrists and he looked at Wooyoung in shock. They were pressed together, the cold air of the fridge chilling the side of their legs.

Wooyoung looked up in Seonghwa’s eyes. He knew what he was seeing. He had seen it several times, but he had always tried to ignore what he saw, even though it was so obvious.

Wooyoung didn’t know what it was, maybe it was the alcohol that was fogging his mind. But Seonghwa’s body suddenly seemed even more attractive to him than it had been before. And those lips of his, they were just inviting to be kissed. Seonghwa’s gaze went down to Wooyoung’s lips. Oh, what would be the harm, Wooyoung thought.

Without giving it much thought, Wooyoung leaned forward, placing his lips on those of Seonghwa. His lips were cold and wet and they tasted after beer. He kissed him deeper and he felt Seonghwa’s hand slip behind his back to pull him closer and his tongue that slipped in between his lips. Wooyoung trembled.

As soon as it had started, Wooyoung ended it. He stepped back and he was shaking on his legs. He felt a rush throughout his body. He looked up at Seonghwa, who looked at him confused. His hand moved to his lips and he noticed the way it was trembling.

He had just wanted another beer. At least… That was what he thought he had wanted.


	4. You got that medicine I need

“Please remove your clothes. You can keep your underwear on.”

The practitioner leaned down to adjust the table on which he was about to lie on. He had just ordered Wooyoung to walk through the room while he had watched him closely, his eyes narrowing as if there was something to see in the way he walked. Wooyoung didn’t like the way he looked at him. It felt as if he was constantly judging him and was nit-picking the ways his body didn’t function well.

He knew this man had studied for this and he was a licensed physiotherapist and there was no reason for Wooyoung to be embarrassed about anything. Still he didn’t like that he had to strip for him and show him his body. He knew that once he would remove his trousers, his brow would be furrowed at the sight of his scar and the moment he had removed his shirt he would have to pretend like it wasn’t the worst thing he had ever seen. Well, he had to give it to him, because most people that came to him probably weren’t shot in the shoulder or had their leg snapped in half. Wooyoung was not a regular client.

When he had removed his pants, he felt the practitioner’s eyes on him like a hawk, investigating the red thick line of scar tissue that protruded on his leg. It disgusted Wooyoung and every time he had to take a shower and he had to look at his body he looked at the scar in disdain, somehow silently having hoped that it had disappeared while he was asleep. It probably disgusted the physiotherapist as well, but he was too professional to say anything about it from an aesthetic point of view.

When he took off his shirt carefully and placed the shirt on the little stool in the corner of the practitioner’s room, he could hear him gasp audibly.

“What happened to your chest?” The therapist asked in an indignant manner.

Wooyoung breathed out and he turned around for the therapist to look at him. “I’ve been a little too careless and took on a bit too much physical tasks.” It was a blatant lie, but one that was needed.

“I was not aware this was still an ongoing issue… I was supposed to work on your shoulder today, but I have to take a look at this… Can you stand against the wall and straighten your back so I can have a look at it?”

Wooyoung turned around and he walked towards the wall which he went to stand against. He breathed in and tried to relax his shoulders and straighten his back.

“Is this still from the time you were shot during your work during one of your missions? Because there is nothing in the report specifically talking about an injury on the chest, except for the trauma from the fall,” the therapist came up to him and he rubbed his hands together a few times. Wooyoung raised his shoulders in an ‘I don’t know’ manner but the therapist was already focused on his inflamed side and he brought his hands up to his chest. “Forgive me if my hands are cold, but I have to feel a little bit.”

The therapist poked around and rubbed the skin around his ribs and Wooyoung cringed at the pain. The therapist started shaking his head. “Does that hurt really bad?” he asked.

“Yeah, it is very sensitive,” Wooyoung said through gritted teeth.

The therapist felt around the area a bit more and it made Wooyoung cry out in pain even if he had tried to suppress it. The therapist then stepped back and nodded.

“Why don’t you go sit on the bed,” the therapist said, having that frowned look on his face that Wooyoung hated so much.

“Ok, I’m just going to be frank with you,” the therapist said and he crossed his arms. “Your wound on your chest? The reason it is so inflamed right now? That is because it’s not healed. Ever since you had this injury, your chest has never healed. I felt around just now, and you still have two broken ribs that are floating around.”

Wooyoung looked at him with glassy eyes.

“I don’t know if you understand what I’m saying, but the fact that you still have two broken ribs after almost a year is concerning to say the least. I’m surprised you can breathe normally.”

“Well it does wake me up sometimes, that I suddenly can’t seem to breathe,” Wooyoung uttered.

“That doesn’t surprise me at all. When it comes down to it, broken ribs can be a problem for a long, long time. Sometimes they decide to put plates in your chest, which I’m not sure they should have done in your case, I’m not a doctor, but the fact that they’re not healed might be an answer to that. But I can’t blame you, this happens often and I’m just surprised that you haven’t talked about this to me before. Well, maybe you have talked about it with your doctor, but you must be in immense pain all of the time.”

“Yeah it does hurt,” Wooyoung said. What did he want him to say? It didn’t surprise him either to hear that his chest was still posing difficulties, but to hear that his ribs were still broken and moving around in his chest, it made him angry. If he wasn’t sitting in the therapist his office, he might have had a temper tantrum. This god awful, shitty, useless body of his! He wished he could do away with it and start all over again in a young man’s body that was untouched. Was this what it felt like, being a veteran and returning from the war broken?

“Are you taking a lot of medicine?” the therapist asked.

“Yes, I have my daily cocktail,” Wooyoung admitted.

“You’re already taking the maximum doses then?”

“Yeah…”

“Yes I figured,” the therapist said and he rubbed his chin. “Right, so I wanted to take a look at your shoulder, that’s why I sat you down on the bed. Would you be so kind to lie down for me?”

Wooyoung followed the therapist his instructions, sort of glad that he stopped talking about his chest, but afraid he was going to get another scolding on his shoulder.

The therapist went to stand by his side next to his hips and he reached for Wooyoung’s arm with the bad shoulder. The therapist held his hand and he asked him, “can you squeeze my hand?”

Wooyoung squeezed his hand. The therapist loosened his grip on his hand and traced his fingers over his hand and felt his knuckles and fingers. He then held his hand loosely to bring his forearm up and test the movement of his elbow, up and down, up and down. He then turned his arm to the side, to test it again from that angle. Wooyoung felt a slight jolt go up to his shoulder and he scrunched up his nose.

“Ok,” the therapist said, meaning that he knew that there was something off about his movement, but he was not going to tell Wooyoung about it. Again, something that bothered Wooyoung about going to the therapist and made him dread the appointments every time.

The therapist brought his hand up to bring it carefully around Wooyoung’s shoulder so he was holding it. His other hand held Wooyoung’s hand. “So now I’m going to feel and move around to determine your full range of movement. If it really starts to hurt, please tell me to stop. That way I can also see where the movement is blockading.”

“Ok,” Wooyoung said to agree. The therapist starting moving up his arm, not bringing it up all the way to his head, but feeling around how the general movement was. This didn’t hurt at all. Then he started moving his arm up to his head which made the joint of his shoulder move around more and he could feel it starting to hurt. When he brought his arm to the side, moving up more and more, Wooyoung started to sweat as the pain increased. He wanted to push through as long as possible, but finally, when he had reached with his arm all the way above him, he started to groan in pain.

“That’s it, there it is. I can hear it crack,” the therapist said, a bit too excited for Wooyoung’s taste. The therapist brought his arm down again and stepped back. “The plate that they have put in there is doing its job, but the muscle around it is not growing in the way it is supposed to grow. The lack of movement, which is understandable because of the pain, tightens the shoulder up and creates tension on the nerves, hence the pain.”

Wooyoung was breathing louder and he could feel that his heartbeat had increased. The therapy and the pain that came with it had worn his body out.

“Can you sit up for me,” the therapist asked.

Wooyoung immediately got up to sit on the bed, which he maybe did a bit too fast. Sitting up did allow him to breathe better again.

“Ok, move your upper body a bit for me,” the therapist asked. Wooyoung did so. “Now, shake your arm,” the therapist asked again, which Wooyoung did. “Now can you move it around in circles, as high as you can without feeling intense pain.”

Wooyoung moved his arm in circles, high enough to show the therapist he had some range of movement, but not too high to cringe in pain.

“Ok, bring your arm back down,” the therapist said and then turned around to walk to his desk. “You can put on your clothes again and then we can have a talk.”

Wooyoung jumped of the bed and walked to the little chair to retrieve his clothes. From the corner of his eyes he saw the therapist sit behind his desk and grab the keyboard to pull it closer to him. He peered at the screen of his computer and started typing things. When Wooyoung had put on his clothes, he walked to the chair that was in front of his desk.

The therapist leaned with his elbows on the table and stared at Wooyoung. “I’m not your doctor, but how is the pain?”

“It’s bad,” Wooyoung said. What was the point in denying it after the therapist had witnessed the way his face contorted during the inspection and treatment.

“Yes, I can tell,” the therapist said. He rolled his chair back and moved around the table. He pointed at Wooyoung’s leg. “There’s a lot of pressure on this leg, which isn’t doing it any good and is messing with the muscle repair.”

The therapist leaned back and touched his own shoulder briefly. “When it comes to your shoulder… I don’t even know where to start. If your insurance allows it, I really want to have more sessions with you so I can mould this arm into something more flexible and usable. I fear that if you don’t get consistent therapy on this arm, you will be deemed occupationally disabled. And trust me, I don’t want that to happen to you.”

Wooyoung swallowed a lump in his throat. Did he just mention…

“I will make sure your employer will know about the gravity of this situation. I don’t think the police will cut back on treatments, especially when they know how serious it is,” the therapist said while leaning forward. He probably had seen the shock in Wooyoung’s eyes.

“I also urge you to get in contact with your doctor,” he pointed at his chest. “You could be walking around with those broken ribs for a long time and they won’t heal. You might have to get surgery.”

Surgery. Occupational disability. Disabled. This was it. This was his death sentence. This was his final straw. It was all going to be over soon. He should have known that it was going to end up like this. Why did it hurt so much when he had seen it coming from the start?

“Do we have a deal on that?” the therapist asked, his eyebrows raised and waiting for an answer from Wooyoung.

“Yes, I’ll get in contact with my doctor,” Wooyoung said in a monotonous voice.

The therapist started rolling back his chair to get behind his desk again. “I know that morphine can only do so much and there’s not a lot of alternatives to morphine that you can take for the pain. I know you’re in pain, Wooyoung, I can see it and that bothers me. If I can change anything about it, I will. So that’s why I at least want to help you with your shoulder. We can make it work. In a while, your body will stop rejecting the foreign object that is in there and the muscles will have grown in a more functional manner.”

He started typing something on his computer.

“Alright. I have planned some follow up appointments, you will get a letter with the details of these appointments. I hope to see you soon. In the meanwhile, try to do these circular motions with your shoulder each day to loosen up the muscles. And don’t skip a day. I really want you to do that so that you can make progress, ok?”

Wooyoung nodded. 

“Ok, then I’ll see you next week, officer Jung,” the therapist stood up and reached out his hand to shake his. Wooyoung took his hand and shook it.

With a goodbye, Wooyoung grabbed his coat and satchel and he left the practitioner’s office and then left the building.

On his train ride home, since the physiotherapy clinic was on the other side of the city, Wooyoung looked out of the window, seeming calm but his mind was racing. He hadn’t been able to process what happened two days ago, at Seonghwa’s place, and the reality of the therapist his words today weighed heavy on his mind.

He still had broken ribs. Ever since that first proper mission with San as commander, when Wooyoung had become injured, he had never healed. Something was broken, but why did it not feel like this? Instead, why did it feel like he was alive for the first time? Maybe because the pain was so real and deep, there wasn’t a moment when he could deny that it was actually happening.

However, since it was so real, and it was so visceral, it had a lot of consequences for Wooyoung. Consequences Wooyoung wished he could ignore and what he had been trying to ignore for so long. He needed surgery. If his physiotherapist, who wasn’t even a licensed doctor, could already tell that there was something wrong, his doctor would probably tell him that it was even worse than that. But broken ribs was something he could live with, after all he had already been living with it for the past half year.

The most concerning to Wooyoung, was his shoulder. He thought that the therapist had sounded very urgent when he had suggested to plan more sessions and if they wouldn’t do so it would have dire consequences. _Disabled_. The word disgusted him. He didn’t realize how he could become physically ill just thinking about it and what it would mean for his life.

He had once seen a sergeant in the army with a prosthetic leg. He had been unable to stop looking at it, watching his every move and cringing at the way he walked so awkwardly. The man hadn’t seemed miserable or in any way less confident, but when Wooyoung looked at the man, he could only see his prosthetic leg and think how he would not be able to live another day if something like that happened to him.

But it had happened to him, in some sense. And he had been able to pick things up, in some sense. Wooyoung had double standards and it was only when these horrible things had happened to him that he realized this. People do live on and become these new versions of themselves. It is not easy and it is not a happy life, but it is possible. The primal urge of humans to live on, it proved to be so much stronger than Wooyoung would have thought.

One thing hadn’t changed however, Wooyoung was still disgusted by it. Maybe he even hated how he had been able to pick things up again in this new and less preferred way. Giving up was the easier route, the route he thought he was going to take, but ended up not taking because that proved to be even more disgusting to him. He was sick to his stomach realizing however, that he was so close to that moment where he was forced to give everything up.

Everything was falling apart and because he was trying to hold everything together so desperately, was fighting the misery of his reality, he was blazing his trail and putting everything on fire. It wasn’t his intention, but by God, when so much misery happens to you, who would not try and hold on to the little things that matter? His job that meant so much to him and his lover San and the comfort of being loved and desired by him… Slowly, the path was giving way and he was falling into the abyss. 

San was leaving him. He could feel it. Ever since he had seen that look on his face when he had told him how he brought out the worst in him. He had meant to focus on the good part of that sentence, that he also brought the best out in him, but for some reason he felt like he had revealed too much about himself. He had shown too much, even though he really didn’t want to hide anything from San. But maybe he should have. If Wooyoung needed to change, if he needed to hide parts of himself in order to be with San, he would do it, without a second thought.

But his and San’s relationship was never going to be that way. They had shown each other so much already and Wooyoung felt like San knew him better than he knew himself. Hiding was impossible, but he didn’t want to, he really didn’t want to.

Wooyoung was weak however. He knew that now. This was a reality of his life ever since he was a small child, because when he didn’t get his way, he didn’t know how to act or how to deal with it. There was a part of him that could deal with it, through routine and discipline, where he could be sure the outcome was predictable and beneficial for him. This was why he joined the army and why he joined the police afterwards. But people do not work routinely and according to measurable outcomes. He knew San and yet he didn’t know him at all and losing him because of it made Wooyoung insecure and act out.

His weakness had been shining through when he met up with Seonghwa two days ago. And he hadn’t been able to get what had happened out of his head. He hadn’t felt guilty about it up until now, now that he had gotten the bad news at the physiotherapy clinic. He realized he had been acting out of weakness and despair and he had desired someone’s attention and comfort to ease the pain. He realized that what he had done was considered cheating and he felt an ache in his stomach knowing that San didn’t deserve that, even though he had refused to let him into his world. It had been no reason for Wooyoung to find comfort with someone else.

An excuse would be to say that he was drunk, even though he really was at that moment. When he pressed Seonghwa against the fridge and there was no distance in between them anymore, it felt natural to find his lips and plant a kiss on them. That his lips felt foreign and strange was to be expected, but that he had liked the kiss was not something he had expected at all. That the kiss was deepened and prolonged by Seonghwa had completely taken him off guard.

At that point Wooyoung had stepped back, shaken by what he had initiated.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry,” Seonghwa uttered. He looked at him in shock and his hand wandered to his lips, his fingers tracing lightly over his lower lip. His eyes met those of Wooyoung who was looking at him alarmed and then Seonghwa said, “Did you mean for that to happen or…?”

Did he mean for that to happen? No, he didn’t. But it had went so naturally… For a moment Wooyoung considered kissing him again. The safety and warmth of kissing brought a comfort to Wooyoung that he craved so much after his body was running on empty from being emotionally worn out. Being in Seonghwa’s arms and kissing him and maybe even lying with him entangled on the couch, it brought butterflies to Wooyoung’s stomach and he almost wanted to go along with this primal urge he felt in his gut. He knew it would ease the pain for the time being. But he hesitated and then he decided to stop himself, before this would progress into something completely different that he would come to regret. 

Wooyoung leaned forward and he grabbed the bottle of beer from the fridge. He brought the bottle to his mouth, and knowing that it was bad for his teeth, he bit down on the cap to open it. With a loud sound, the cap bounced onto the ground. Seonghwa looked at him with his eyes wide open. “Don’t worry about it, ” Wooyoung said and he took a swig of the beer. “It happens.” He smiled widely at Seonghwa.

For a moment, they stood there in silence. Wooyoung was not sure how Seonghwa was going to respond, but he was glad when he finally started laughing and Wooyoung joined him. “I felt like kissing someone man, and you stood in my way,” Wooyoung said in a joking manner, trying with all his might to lighten up the situation.

“Oh so you just start to kiss someone then when you feel like it?” Seonghwa asked. He said it with a big smile, but he could hear the serious undertone in it.

“You’ve seen me do worse things when I was drunk,” Wooyoung said, nudging him. Seonghwa looked at his arm with his eyebrows raised. God, there was still tension, Wooyoung thought.

“Well, just see it like this, now there’s no more boundaries between us,” Wooyoung tried.

“Haha, yeah,” Seonghwa said, before he leaned down to grab a bottle of beer for himself and closed the door of the fridge.

They had gone to the living room and they drank their beers, but when Wooyoung had finished it he had told Seonghwa he was going home. To his surprise, Seonghwa had still offered him to stay over and sleep on his couch, but Wooyoung had nicely declined his offer and he had gone home. It was not until the morning when the alcohol had worn off, that he realized what had happened. 

Wooyoung stared out of the window of the moving train. He felt empty. The most important things in his world were about to be taken away from him and he knew it was his own fault. He could fix things, but only if he put in the effort now. Before it was too late. He needed to talk with the chief at the Police Department and make sure he would get more sessions at the physiotherapy clinic. He needed to talk with San and tell him what happened. How sorry he was. How much he loved him. Wooyoung would lower himself to the ground and strip himself of all his dignity, he would do what he thought he could never do and he would do it all so that he could be with San.

It was time to better himself. He knew it was his last chance.

Waking up the next day Wooyoung was filled with regret. He wanted to call San, but he also knew that if he was going to call him so soon, he might be annoyed. Besides, he had no right to push anything, since he had gone astray. Demanding a conversation out of him would be considered rude. Wooyoung also realized that giving it a little more time wouldn’t hurt, because what he was going to tell him was far from a pleasant conversation. But he had to do it. He had to come clean.

Tomorrow, Wooyoung thought, when he looked at his phone at work and saw that there were still no messages from San. Tomorrow he was going to call San and tell him. It hurt him that San wasn’t contacting him, but he wasn’t surprised either. This was how San was. He would disappear and he would not care to give Wooyoung an update. He would call him when he felt like he needed to. That he still didn’t do it after three days was already starting to eat away at Wooyoung.

He needed to persevere. He was being tested and rightly so. Everything that had happened in the last few weeks was a silent warning for this impending doom. He should have listened, should have adjusted, taken more care of himself and he should have slowed down. San hadn’t made it easy for him in that regard, but he should have been able to say no. It seemed like he was never going to be able to learn that. But this time around, he didn’t have a choice anymore. He was starting to lose his job and he was starting to lose him. It was no longer about what he wanted or what San wanted, they needed to change if they wanted to be in a relationship. And for that to work, Wooyoung needed to make a change.

So tomorrow, he was going to call him. He was going to tell him what happened with Seonghwa. He was going to apologize to him and tell him that it was never going to happen again. They were going to talk things through and they would set new boundaries, Wooyoung was willing to do anything if it meant that he didn’t have to be separated from San. Anything but that.

When it was his lunch break the next day on his job, Wooyoung sat back in his chair and stared at his phone. He had clicked on San’s contact and he was ready to call him, but his thumb hovered over the call button in doubt.

How was he going to phrase that he had… kissed Seonghwa? Did he have to prepare him and say that he had done something horrible, or was he just going to say, ‘hey San I kissed Seonghwa’?

Wooyoung realized that there was no right way of telling San what had happened, but he had to just tell him. He could not promise him any other things if he didn’t start of by saying what had happened.

Come on, Wooyoung, get it together, he told himself. He clicked on the call button and there was now no way of going back anymore. His heart was in his throat as the call started to go through.

But the call didn’t go through. Instead it cancelled and he heard an operator’s voice say, “ _the number that you are trying to reach is no longer available_.”

Wooyoung pulled the phone from his ear and he stared at the screen. It said San, so how could it be disconnecting? He pressed the red button and then clicked the call button again.

“ _The number that you are trying to reach is no longer available_.”

Wooyoung yanked the phone from his ear. He felt his heart starting to race and he looked at his phone in panic. What was happening? Why was San’s phone number no longer available?

He pressed the red button and went to the key pad to type in San’s number manually. He clicked on the call button and he waited with his heart in his throat.

“ _The number that you are trying to reach is no longer available_.”

No. No, this wasn’t happening. This could not be happening! Wooyoung pulled his phone from his ear, stared at it for a few seconds, before he finally clicked the red button and the operator stopped repeating the same sentence. Then it finally dawned on Wooyoung.

San had deleted his phone number.

With force, Wooyoung threw his phone across the room. The phone landed on the ground next to the book shelf, after it had hit the side of the book shelf and caused the book shelf to shake. He walked towards the wall and without thinking, he punched his fist against the wall. Instantly, he felt a jolt go through his shoulder and he felt how the skin on his knuckles started to tear. He hit the wall again. And again. Pulling his arm back, his hand was shaking and through a blurred vision he saw blood oozing from the open wounds on his knuckles. He became nauseous and he started seeing black spots throughout his vision. With his other hand he leaned against the wall as he tried to fight the dizziness and not pass out.

Breathe Wooyoung, he told himself. You’re not going to pass out here. You released your anger, now go to the kitchen and clean yourself up. He saw that the blood on his knuckles now started to drip down his fingers and he knew he needed some bandage. Preoccupied with this thought, he turned around and walked out of his office.

He couldn’t see well, the black spots still covering his vision, but he knew the way to the coffee room well. He felt how his body was trembling and he presumed this was because he was so angry. He gritted his teeth and he kept on walking. When he reached the coffee room, he felt himself becoming too nauseous and he leaned against the wall.

“Are you ok, Wooyoung?” vaguely, Wooyoung could see that Nayeon was standing next to him and was looking at him concerned.

Wooyoung started smiling. “Yes, I’m fine, I just need a bandage for this,” he held up his hand that was covered in blood and as he said the words, he slowly felt his knees giving way underneath him and he fell to the ground.

“Come on, Wooyoung, get up,” Wooyoung felt how two arms slid under his arms and were yanking him up. He was shaken awake by the voice, which he recognized was the voice of his chief. He looked up confused and he saw his chief leaning over him. To the best of his ability he tried to stand up on his feet.

“Yes, there you go,” chief Kang said. Wooyoung looked to his left and he saw that Nayeon was supporting him on his other side. They brought him to a chair that was pulled out for him and they sat him down.

Wooyoung looked up at chief Kang and Nayeon as they were paying their full attention to him. He looked at his hand and it was still trembling. So he had passed out again. 

“Oh, let me treat your hand for you, Wooyoung,” Nayeon said and she turned around to walk to the cabinet and she opened a few doors, to find the first aid kit.

“How are you feeling, Wooyoung? Are you still lightheaded?” chief Kang asked, leaning down to look him in his eyes.

“No, I feel fine, I think I was just running low on energy,” Wooyoung said, even though he could still feel his body shaking and his hands could be seen trembling.

“What happened to your hand?” chief Kang asked and pointed to his hand.

Wooyoung looked at his hand and laughed. “Oh, this? I scraped it against the wall.”

“You scraped it against the wall.”

“Yeah,” Wooyoung saw the way chief Kang looked at him and he knew he didn’t really believe him. How on earth was he going to explain this? To say that he felt embarrassed was an understatement. Never before had he been confronted with his anger management issues like this, while his boss was breathing down his neck and looking at him in judgment. It was awkward and Wooyoung didn’t know how to act.

“I think I scraped it against the wall when I passed out,” Wooyoung said, in an effort to explain the situation better. How else was he going to explain it? He couldn’t be telling his boss that he had a short temper.

“Ok,” chief Kang nodded, his eyebrows raised. It seemed like he was still doubting that Wooyoung had scraped his hand against the wall, but he wasn’t going to push the matter further.

“You know what, I’ll let Nayeon treat your hand and then after that why don’t you come to my office, so we can have a talk,” chief Kang said.

Wooyoung looked up at him concerned, but he still couldn’t see him well. His vision was still blurred. “I was just busy working on this file, chief Kang, can we have a talk a different time?”

It was pathetic how he was trying to fight a situation that he had already clearly lost.

“The file can wait. Bring him to my office later, Nayeon,” chief Kang looked at Nayeon who was rolling out the little first aid kit. She nodded and she grabbed Wooyoung’s hand.

Chief Kang stood up and he left the room after sighing loudly. Wooyoung wanted to disappear. He brought his other hand up to his head and covered his eyes while sighing deeply.

“Do you have a headache, Wooyoung?” Nayeon asked concerned.

“No,” Wooyoung said curtly. He flinched when he felt Nayeon put iodine drops on his open wounds.

“You really have to take better care of yourself, Wooyoung,” Nayeon said as she treated his hand. “You cannot continue on like this forever.”

“I’m fine, Nayeon, don’t worry about me,” Wooyoung said, removing his hand from his eyes and looking at her. He didn’t like the things she said to him, making him appear less able and more pathetic. He could deal with this, he would not lose his job over his own personal issues and his body giving up on him. He would fight it till the end.

“I do worry about you,” Nayeon said and she looked up into his eyes.

Wooyoung swallowed. “Are you alone in this? Or are the others also concerned?” He didn’t want anyone’s pity or appear weak to his colleagues.

Nayeon smiled weakly and she shook her head. “They don’t pay you as much attention as I do. I care about your wellbeing, Wooyoung. I don’t want to see you get hurt. I want you to be able to do good at your work without sabotaging your health.”

When he looked into her eyes, he could see she meant it from the bottom of her heart. What did he do to deserve her kindness? He had not shown her the same kindness that he believed she deserved now even more than ever, knowing the things she did for him. He felt miserable looking into her loving eyes, the concern of a sisterly figure clearly seen. Why did her kindness pain him?

Nayeon started wrapping his hand in a bandage and he looked at her petite manicured hands that held his hand without squeezing him and accidentally hurting him. This woman belonged here. He did not. He was dreading the conversation with chief Kang, which he knew was going to end badly. But as Nayeon finished bandaging his hand, he knew he had to go.

“Don’t worry, Wooyoung,” Nayeon said, looking up at him with loving eyes. “He’ll put you off duty for a few days, that’s probably all. Don’t worry about the rest.”

Wooyoung could feel his heart pounding faster as he walked to chief Kang’s office with Nayeon by his side.

Wooyoung felt stressed out when he walked back to his apartment. How could he have let himself go like that? Why did he respond to things like these so aggressively? He should have known better that these things have consequences. But when it came down to it, all he remembered was a fog appearing in his brain when he realized that San had deleted his number and had taken away his ability to contact him. He had been unable to control his anger and he had needed to get rid of it, and the wall was the first thing in his way. Why? Why had San deleted his number? Why did he do that?

Wooyoung had been so careless… Chief Kang was concerned to say the least and he demanded Wooyoung to stay home for a couple of days before he could return to the job. When that was going to be exactly was not clear to Wooyoung either, but going from chief Kang his tone he didn’t feel comfortable asking him without the fear of getting a tirade.

Chief Kang had told him that the physiotherapist had been in contact with him and had told him about his shoulder and his chest. Wooyoung felt horrible having to hear how concerned chief Kang was and he dreaded him saying that he was going to be putting him off duty for a longer time. But for some reason, he didn’t. He did however demand him to take the extra sessions at the physiotherapist and that he should meet with the doctor as soon as possible to have his chest checked out. Luckily, he didn’t say anything about potentially getting a surgery.

“I’m kind of disappointed you haven’t discussed your issues concerning your health with me and the pain you have to deal with daily. I need to know these things as your employer, it’s my job to take care of my employees, you know that Wooyoung,” chief Kang had said when he had scolded him. “You’re taking too much on your plate, Wooyoung.”

Wooyoung didn’t know how to respond to him, because his only response was that he didn’t feel like telling him about his issues. Wooyoung knew that they were simply not going to change, so what was the point in talking about them?

Chief Kang felt burdened and he resorted to putting him off duty until after the weekend. After that he told him he would be having a meeting with the psychologist on Monday and chief Kang asked him to discuss these issues with her, as she was going to be of more help on how to deal with the pain than he was. Out of respect, Wooyoung had thanked him for his concern, even though he hated the idea of having to talk with the psychologist about his pain and health issues.

So now Wooyoung had to sit at home for the next few days and there were going to be no distractions there. He had to watch reruns again and again, while he stared at his phone, waiting for a phone call that wasn’t going to come. That San had decided to make himself unavailable to him was already difficult enough, but now he was forced to be reminded of that fact while he was locked up in his apartment.

He sighed when he stood in front of his apartment and was fumbling with the key in his bandaged hand. Great, he thought to himself, now he had made his hand useless as well. When he finally managed to open the door, he threw his satchel in the hallway and his key on the little table by the door. The bag popped open and papers flew all over the floor. Wooyoung felt anger building up inside of him again.

“Fuck!” he shouted, knowing that now that he was home he could finally scream out like he had wanted to do back at the job. He yanked his coat off, making his shoulder ache even more than it already did. It made him more angry and he kept yanking, ignoring the increasing pain as tears started filling up his eyes. When he got his coat off, he threw it on the ground and he slammed the door of his apartment shut.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!!” Wooyoung kept shouting, kept trying to air out his frustrations and the lingering pain he felt in his entire body. He hated this, he hated this so much. He had had good plans, he had decided to fix things and listen to his physiotherapist so that his body could be fully functioning again. But now, this was happening? Now San had deleted his phone number, which indirectly meant he wanted nothing to do with him? What kind of a fucked up revenge was that?

Yes, Wooyoung had done wrong. He had crossed boundaries. But he had had reasons to do so. Their relationship wasn’t going in the right direction, for neither of them. And the fact that they were hiding things from each other, it didn’t sit well with Wooyoung, at all. He didn’t want to hide any part of him and it bothered him that he only knew half of the story when it came to San’s new life. He wanted him completely, but apparently San didn’t want that.

Wooyoung pulled his phone from his pocket. He saw that Seonghwa had messaged him. Distracted, he opened the message.

_You want to hang out tonight?_

He hadn’t expected Seonghwa to message him so soon, after what had happened. He had felt the awkwardness between them and he decided to wait it out. That he was messaging him now was surprising to Wooyoung.

Wooyoung looked through the other notifications on his phone and there was no message or phone call by San. With a nauseous feeling in his gut, he went to his key pad to type in San’s number and try one more time to get in contact with San.

“ _The number that you are trying to reach is no longer available_.”

So it was true. San had decided to take a step back from him. He didn’t want to be in contact with Wooyoung. Wooyoung felt his chest starting to ache and he started breathing louder and in an uncontrollable manner. He started crying, started sobbing like a little baby, knowing that the one thing he had always dreaded had finally happened. San had left him.

Wooyoung walked to the couch and threw himself on it. He went to lie on his good side and he curled up into a little ball while the hot tears rolled in big drops down his cheeks. He didn’t know how long he had been lying there, but after a while he fell asleep and he dreamed a restless dream in which San was lying next to him and was breathing in his ear. It woke him up and when he realized San wasn’t there, he started crying again, before he fell asleep once more and didn’t dream again.

When he finally woke up, his entire body was aching. His eyes felt puffy and he felt the sticky streaks of dried up tears tightening the skin on his cheeks. A little confused he looked at his phone, to see that the time was reading 5 P.M.

If San didn’t care to hear his words of regret or his words of remorse or simply his profession of his undying love for him, then why should Wooyoung care about them any longer? Why should he care about San at all? He clearly didn’t care enough about him to tell him what was going on or where he was. 

Wooyoung sat up and he scrolled through his phone. He clicked on his Kakao and found his chat with Seonghwa. Carelessly, he typed a reply to Seonghwa.

_Definitely. I’ll bring some beer._

If San was not going to contact him any longer, then there was no point in taking him into account with the things he did in his life. And if Seonghwa was willing to be his distraction in this mess, he was damn well going to make use of that distraction.

“Long day at work?” Seonghwa asked when he opened the door and looked at Wooyoung worriedly.

Wooyoung decided to go along with it. Talking about all his problems with Seonghwa was what he usually did, but since his problems were weighing so heavy on him, he didn’t feel like lingering on them anymore. His reason for going to Seonghwa was to get his mind off of things, not to give them more attention.

“Yeah, they want my report next week,” Wooyoung said as he entered the warmth of Seonghwa’s apartment. He handed a six-pack of beer to Seonghwa that he had been carrying with him.

“If you need any help, just say so, I’m part of the team as well,” Seonghwa said as he took the six-pack from Wooyoung’s hand and closed the door.

“Don’t worry, it’s almost finished. I’m ready to get into action and give the prevention classes like they’ve asked us to do,” Wooyoung got out of his coat slowly, taking care not to rush things with his sore shoulder. The treatment by the physiotherapist had left his shoulder tender and his little temper tantrum hadn’t done it any good either.

“What happened to your hand!?” Seonghwa asked alarmed.

Oh, that’s right, Wooyoung thought. He had forgotten he still had a bandage wrapped around his hand from the little ‘accident’ he had earlier today.

“Oh this,” Wooyoung held his hand up in a silly manner. “I fell down today.”

“You fell down?” Seonghwa furrowed his brow.

“Yeah, was a bit lightheaded. Scraped it against the wall,” Wooyoung said, now used to telling his little white lie.

“You get that often?” Seonghwa asked.

“What?”

“That you pass out?”

“No, no, Seonghwa. Don’t worry about it,” Wooyoung said and he walked past him into the living room. No talk about his problems. No pity and worried looks, Wooyoung thought. That was not what he was here for tonight. He wanted to relax, he wanted to have a drink and have a laugh with his good friend Seonghwa. 

“I’ve brought beer, but do you have any chilled wine?” Wooyoung asked, looking back at Seonghwa who was still looking at him weirdly.

“I’ve got some white wine in the fridge, sure,” Seonghwa said, ready to walk towards his kitchen, but he paused midway. “Who’s going to get it?”

Wooyoung looked up at Seonghwa and he saw the look in his eyes and he knew they were both thinking about the same thing. The little wrestle they had had at the fridge and what it had resulted in. Wooyoung felt tingles in his stomach.

“You get it, I won’t stand in your way,” Wooyoung answered.

Seonghwa nodded slowly and he walked towards the fridge. Was there tension between them? Wooyoung wasn’t quite sure whether Seonghwa had meant to invoke something with his comment, whether he had wanted to start a conversation. If Wooyoung was being honest, he didn’t think that Seonghwa was actually going to talk about it or mention it, but in the indirect way that he had just done it made Wooyoung suspicious.

He couldn’t deny that it caused a warm feeling in his stomach. He remembered the kiss and even though it had been messy, he had a hard time denying that he didn’t like it. There had been something about it… He had blocked out the thoughts about it, had hidden his feelings because he had felt so guilty towards San. But the way his body had reacted in the comfort of Seonghwa’s body pressed against his own, was something he could not deny. But should he worry about it now that San had decided to make himself unavailable to him? Wooyoung felt empty and he wanted to fill the void. If he was being honest, the pain he felt knowing that San was ignoring him made him tempted to look for comfort elsewhere. If Seonghwa was going to start something with him, Wooyoung felt like he probably wasn’t going to be able to stop him. And deep down, Wooyoung secretly wished that Seonghwa was going to start something with him.

As Wooyoung sat down on the couch, Seonghwa came walking down from the kitchen with two big wine glasses filled with chilled white wine. He had even added two ice cubes and receiving the glass from Seonghwa’s hand, the glass felt wet in his hand.

“Cheers,” Wooyoung said and he clinked his glass with that of Seonghwa before he took a swig of the wine.

“Are you thirsty or something?” Seonghwa said while laughing.

“No, just very done with this day,” Wooyoung said, shaking his head.

“How so?” Seonghwa said. Shit, Wooyoung thought, maybe he was letting on too much. But at the same time he finally felt somewhat at peace, sitting on the couch with his good friend and with a well-deserved alcoholic beverage. What really was the harm in finally airing out his feelings? There was no better person who would listen to him without judgment than Seonghwa. Besides, he didn’t have to tell the whole truth to get the point across.

“I went to the physiotherapist, he basically called me a lost cause,” Wooyoung said, staring across the room at Seonghwa’s TV set-up.

“A lost cause? What do you mean?” Seonghwa asked and he turned his body towards him.

“He mentioned ‘occupational disability’,” Wooyoung took a swig of his drink.

He heard Seonghwa breathe out. “Shit.”

“Yeah, and that’s not all,” Wooyoung scoffed. He turned to face Seonghwa, “you ever heard of floating ribs?”

“Yeah…” Seonghwa looked at him unsurely.

“These ribs,” Wooyoung pointed at his chest. “They’ve never healed. They’re still broken and moving around in my chest.”

“What!?” Seonghwa’s jaw dropped. “You mean to say that they’ve never healed, ever since the mission in the warehouse?”

Wooyoung nodded and he morbidly cracked a smile.

“Jesus, Wooyoung. That’s a lot to deal with. You must be in so much pain.”

“I am, most of the time.”

“Are you in pain now?” Seonghwa asked while looking at him concerned.

“It’s ok. I’ve doped myself up on the maximum doses for today. Morphine is a really nice medicine,” Wooyoung held up his bandaged hand and made an O.K. sign. “And this helps as well,” Wooyoung lifted his drink and then he took another sip.

“Are you supposed to mix medicine with drinks?” Seonghwa eyed his glass of wine.

“No,” Wooyoung said and he leaned back. “But I stopped caring.”

Seonghwa bit his lower lip and he sat back, mirroring Wooyoung’s movement. “I haven’t seen you as careless like this before,” Seonghwa said.

“You haven’t?” Wooyoung pulled his head back in surprise. He tapped his shoulder. “Are you sure about that?”

“No, I know you have always put yourself in danger in missions, but this is different. This is not in the interest of completing a mission or saving innocent beings. It seems as if you have given up on some things. It’s not like you.”

“Why not?” Wooyoung asked confused.

“I think you’re saying that you don’t care as a way to cover up that you actually care too much.”

Wooyoung looked at Seonghwa and stopped breathing. Why was what he was saying so true?

“Seonghwa,” Wooyoung started. He swallowed. What was he supposed to say to that? He hit the nail on its head, but being confronted by it like this, it left Wooyoung feeling uncomfortable because it made him so vulnerable.

Seeing his hand tremble while he was holding the glass made Wooyoung realize that there was no point in hiding it. “Of course I care. My body is slowly giving up on me and it is taking away the thing that I care about most. My job is my life, so why should I care about minor things such as mixing alcohol with morphine, if my job is going to be taken away from me?”

Seonghwa looked at him breathless, before he dropped his eyes. “Yeah, I don’t know. I mean, I don’t know if I would care about it either in that case.”

“My body is giving up on me anyway,” Wooyoung said. “There’s no point in pretending to be good enough anymore, because I’m not. They’re keeping me out of honour and pity, not because I’m useful. Don’t think I don’t know that.”

“You’re good enough Wooyoung,” Seonghwa’s eyes flashed up to meet his.

“Cut the crap, Seonghwa. I don’t need your pity or words of sympathy,” Wooyoung shook his head.

“It’s not out of pity, Wooyoung. I’m saying that you’re good enough to me,” Seonghwa said, his eyes never leaving those of Wooyoung. “You have always been good enough to me.”

“Have I?” Wooyoung was taken aback by Seonghwa’s comment.

“Yes,” Seonghwa said strongly to convince Wooyoung.

Looking at him, Wooyoung could feel the tension again, the same tension he had felt when he made his comment earlier on who was going to get the drinks from the fridge. Was he flirting with him? He wasn’t entirely sure, but feeling the urge that he wanted to know, there was only one way of finding out.

He reached down with his good hand and he searched for Seonghwa’s hand that was resting on the couch and without much thought, he grabbed it. Seonghwa looked at him and his eyes widened slightly. Wooyoung could see that he was not sure what to do, but then Seonghwa squeezed his hand. Feeling confident, Wooyoung traced his thumb over the back of Seonghwa’s hand and looking at their entwined hands, Wooyoung waited for Seonghwa to pull back his hand. Only he didn’t. Instead, he started rubbing his own thumb over Wooyoung’s hand.

Wooyoung looked up at Seonghwa and he met his eyes. He saw a look on Seonghwa’s face that read he was either afraid or nervous or maybe a little bit of both. If anyone was going to initiate anything, Wooyoung knew that he was the one who had to do it. He could just tell that Seonghwa was too nervous or too shy to try anything with him, maybe because he was still shaken by what had happened last time and how Wooyoung had brushed it off as something that just ‘happened’ between good friends when they were drunk.

Slowly, Wooyoung felt himself move forward and scoot closer to Seonghwa. Seonghwa started to look even more afraid and this made Wooyoung even more eager to see how he would respond if he would kiss him. Seonghwa’s mouth started hanging open slightly and from the moving of his chest Wooyoung could tell that he was breathing faster and more uncontrolled, clearly nervous by the situation Wooyoung had created. Wooyoung untangled his hand from Seonghwa’s grasp and he brought it up to cup Seonghwa’s chin. He brought his mouth closer and closer to that of Seonghwa and he could feel his frantic breathing on his lips as he was literally trembling in his hands for what was about to come. Wooyoung looked up once, to see those nervous eyes of Seonghwa one more time, before he closed his eyes and placed a kiss on Seonghwa’s lips. He could feel how Seonghwa returned the kiss lovingly, as he pursed his lips warmly against his and wasn’t pulling back.

Wooyoung leaned back, his lips leaving the soft lips of Seonghwa and he looked at him to see his reaction. Seonghwa looked at him dazed and his cheeks were rosy. His chest was still heaving and he leaned forward as if he was ready to give himself fully to Wooyoung.

“Is this just like last time?” Seonghwa asked and then swallowed as he saw his Adam’s apple bob up and down.

“It doesn’t have to be,” Wooyoung uttered. Looking at Seonghwa, he could see that he had liked it and he was craving for more. Shit man, did Seonghwa like him? “Do you want me to do that again?”

“Yeah… I would like that,” Seonghwa said, his eyes fluttering.

Oh God, Wooyoung thought. He was really going to do this. In the back of his mind there was a voice telling him that this was really not a good idea, but his body was telling him otherwise. Well, if he was going to do it, he thought, he better commit to it. He brought the glass of wine to his mouth and he took a large gulp, which he took the time to swallow. Leaning forward, he placed the glass on the little coffee table, before he leaned back to grab Seonghwa’s glass from his hand, who looked at him stunned, and he placed it on the coffee table as well.

He moved even closer to Seonghwa than before and carefully, he placed his bandaged hand around his neck. Looking at him unsurely, he kissed him deeply. To Wooyoung’s surprise, Seonghwa kissed him back eagerly and before he knew it, he felt Seonghwa’s arm slip behind his back and pulling him closer to him. Naturally, Wooyoung deepened the kiss and he pushed his tongue inside Seonghwa’s mouth. Wooyoung could hear Seonghwa moan softly as he took him in his mouth and his hand started massaging his side awkwardly, showing him that he was really eager to do this, but that he also didn’t really know how to. Wooyoung was taken aback by the way Seonghwa kissed him and it dawned on him what was going on. He pulled back slowly. Seonghwa looked up at him with questioning eyes that seemed to ask, why are you stopping?

With a beating heart, Wooyoung asked the question that had been on his mind for a long time now. “Do you like me, Seonghwa?”

Seonghwa’s hand lingered around his waist and his other hand traced over his thigh while he pulled at the fabric of his pants. “Yes, I do,” he said nervously and he bit his lip while he looked at Wooyoung unsurely.

Well fuck me, Wooyoung thought. What the fuck was he doing, kissing his friend, who was actually into him… He should have known this was coming, I mean for God’s sake, he should have known this was coming! Why did he decide to turn a blind eye for it? Oh… That’s right, he thought. He was too preoccupied with San to see. But San was not in the picture right now.

“This is all very new to me,” Seonghwa uttered. “I’m sorry if I’m not a good kisser, all I know is that I want to kiss you.”

Wooyoung looked at him worriedly. “Is this the first time you’ve kissed a man?”

“Yeah…” Seonghwa said. He seemed to be very nervous, but he finally brought up the courage to speak. “I wanted to kiss you for a long time now. I didn’t know how to. I knew you were into men, but I wasn’t sure if you wanted to kiss me.”

“Of course I want to kiss you, Seonghwa,” Wooyoung said and he smiled. “But I wasn’t sure you’d be into that.”

Seonghwa smiled shyly. He scratched his neck. “It took a while for me to realize I wanted that. But I really like you, Wooyoung. I think I really like the taste of your lips.”

“Have another taste then,” Wooyoung teased him. He saw how Seonghwa shivered when he leaned forward to hover over Wooyoung.

“Guide me, if I do anything wrong, ok?” Seonghwa said nervously.

Seonghwa kissed him deeply although he appeared to be more nervous now that he had confessed to Wooyoung that he liked him. Somehow it had changed something in Wooyoung too, because he could feel the different nuances in how Seonghwa was kissing him and was trying things out since he was so new to the whole idea of kissing a man. But Wooyoung liked it, he slowly disappeared in the heated game of making out and he felt his body relax as Seonghwa was pressing his body against his.

Feeling himself becoming horny, Wooyoung broke off the kiss. He didn’t want to push anything yet and just kissing Seonghwa made Wooyoung feel really good. He needed a sip of wine to cool off for a bit. He didn’t want to scare Seonghwa by getting a boner so quickly. Being as inexperienced as Seonghwa was, he probably didn’t feel like going that far yet anyway.

“Did I do something wrong?” Seonghwa asked as Wooyoung took a sip of wine. He leaned forward to look Wooyoung in his eyes.

“No, not at all,” Wooyoung said with a smile.

“Then why did you stop kissing me?” Seonghwa asked innocently.

Even though he didn’t have the intention of turning Wooyoung on with his words, it most definitely had that effect on him. Whenever someone was challenging Wooyoung, it was natural for him to respond to it. Well if he wanted more, he was going to get more, Wooyoung thought cheekily. 

Wooyoung placed the glass back on the table and he pushed Seonghwa back against the couch. “I didn’t think you would be so eager,” Wooyoung placed his mouth back on Seonghwa’s and he started kissing him roughly, making Seonghwa grasp his waist for support. He could feel him shaking in his hands and it caused Wooyoung to become hornier again, so he pressed his thighs together and tried to slow down the kiss. Somehow he found a slow pace to kiss Seonghwa softly. He noticed that it eased Seonghwa into becoming looser and more relaxed and he could deepen the kiss. Unconsciously, Wooyoung brought his hand down and he placed it on Seonghwa’s thigh. He rubbed his thigh as he continued kissing him and slowly, he moved it up. Almost out of habit, Wooyoung’s hand grabbed his crotch and he started rubbing him softly. Seonghwa started moaning and he moved his body forward, before he suddenly placed his hand on Wooyoung’s hand and broke off the kiss.

“Am I going too fast?” Wooyoung asked, looking up at him. He saw that Seonghwa’s cheeks were rosy and he was out of breath.

“I want to, it’s just that I… ” he started, but he didn’t know how to finish his sentence.

“You don’t want me to suck you off,” Wooyoung said crassly.

Seonghwa’s eyes widened and Wooyoung felt his thighs move under his hand. “Not yet.”

“Yeah, I thought so,” Wooyoung said and he grinned, before he removed his hand and started kissing him again.

“Have you been feeling any by effects of the medicine?”

Wooyoung looked up at the psychologist who was changing position and she put her left leg over her right leg. She hugged her clipboard to her stomach and squeezed the pen between her fingers while she looked up at Wooyoung questioningly.

“Isn’t that something I should be discussing with my doctor?” Wooyoung asked while furrowing his brow.

“Well yes, of course you should be discussing that with your doctor. But these drugs could have by effects on your psyche as well and how you feel in general. If that is something I can help you with, then I would surely like to know,” she said through pursed lips.

Wooyoung was annoyed by the question. Of course the drugs had by effects. The migraines, the drowsiness, the passing out. Had it an effect on his psyche? Not as far as he was aware of. He did know however what else it had an effect on, and since she was asking…

“Well, I have been having difficulty in getting it up,” it was not completely true, but he had noticed that his sex drive had changed. Sometimes it was instant and he couldn’t control it, other times he noticed that it was wearing him down and it took him some effort to get a hard on. However, this was only when he was jerking off in the morning and not when he was in the vicinity of a gorgeous man.

“Ok, yes that’s a common by effect of heavy painkillers,” she said. Wooyoung noticed how it took her off guard, which had been his reason for saying it, to shock her.

“And has that posed any problems for you?” she said, ticking with her pen on the clipboard.

“Eh, not really,” Wooyoung said. “I’m a bottom, I don’t really need to stick it anywhere.”

Her jaw dropped and her tongue almost rolled out of her mouth. Or at least, that would have happened if he had actually said it out loud.

Instead he said, “I get a really sore hand that’s all,” and he held up his hand with the bandage and raised his shoulders as if to say ‘what can you do about it’.

He saw the look on her face. “It was a joke,” he finally said, when he was not sure if she actually had caught onto his joke. “I hurt my hand earlier this week when I was being a bit careless.”

“You shouldn’t be too careless, Wooyoung,” she said and she looked at him sternly. “And I don’t think it’s necessary to be joking around with me. I am here to help you and I can only do that if you take this seriously.”

“Ok, I’m sorry,” Wooyoung said and he smirked. Did she really not understand that this didn’t help at all? That talking about it made him even more miserable than he already was? “What do you want to talk about?”

“Well, that hand for instance, how did that happen?” She asked while pointing at his hand with her pen.

“I scraped it against the wall,” Wooyoung twisted his hand while looking at it. “Got a bit angry, the wall was in my way.”

“You punched the wall because you got angry? Why did you get angry?”

“I wasn’t able to get in contact with someone.”

“And your response was to punch the wall?”

“Yeah.”

“Have you always had problems with anger management?”

Wooyoung felt his phone buzz in his past. He knew who it was.

“I think all police officers have anger management issues. We might possibly have the best job to translate our anger in a safe way.”

“I wouldn’t call hitting the wall a safe way.”

“I was referring to using our guns and other weapons to take down unruly civilians.”

“It would be very wrong if police men would translate their anger into their job, Wooyoung. I don’t believe that is what is happening in the force. You don’t translate your anger that way, surely,” she scoffed.

“Indeed I don’t. That’s why I hit the wall, because the other option was taken away from me.”

His phone buzzed in his pants. And then it buzzed again. Wooyoung had been having frequent contact through text with Seonghwa over the last few days after their make-out session. They had grown closer and their texting had become more heated. He was surprised that Seonghwa had gotten more confident so quickly, texting him things with a more sexual nature which was suggesting to Wooyoung that he was ready for more.

“Your thought process worries me,” the psychologist said and she scribbled something down on her clipboard. “And I don’t think your colleagues would appreciate how you think about them.”

“I’m sorry, but that doesn’t make any sense,” Wooyoung scoffed. “My colleagues are _exactly_ like me. I’m sure they would have responded in a similar way had it been them.”

“What makes you think that?”

“I know them, I know how they think. They joined the force for the same reason as me,” Wooyoung said, looking her straight in her eyes.

“And that reason is?”

“Freedom,” Wooyoung articulated.

She smiled and she turned to her paper.

“Why are you smiling?” Wooyoung asked confused.

“Because of your answer,” she said and she looked up at him. “The force might be the most limited job of them all.” 

Wooyoung left the session annoyed and stressed. He knew he had been acting up and he knew that he maybe shouldn’t have done that, but taking into account all that had happened in the last few days, Wooyoung was consistently on edge. San still hadn’t contacted him and Wooyoung started to think that he wasn’t going to contact him at all anymore. The though stressed him out constantly and he couldn’t sleep well, lying awake in bed with insomnia. That he hadn’t hit another wall yet surprised him. And if he was being frank, there was only one thing that truly gave him a distraction.

He opened up his phone when he walked out of the psychologist’s office. He saw that Seonghwa had been texting him and had left him five messages.

_Hey Wooyoung_

_Do you want to meet tonight?_

_I miss your pretty lips on mine_

_I think about you at night…_

_Do you want to know what I do when I think about you at night?_

Wooyoung grinned. Seonghwa was being cheeky and he enjoyed every minute of it. But he was good at that as well and he knew he was even better at it than Seonghwa. So he started typing back a message to Seonghwa.

_I don’t know, what do you do at night?_

_Here’s an idea, why don’t you do me at night?_

Wooyoung was good at pretending not to care. Even Seonghwa had reminded him of that, that it was all pretend when he said that he didn’t care. Every moment of the day, Wooyoung’s mind wandered to San and he thought about what he might be doing, where he was and why he kept ignoring him.

There was literally nothing that he could hold onto. He hadn’t told him why he had deleted his number and he didn’t even warn him that they weren’t going to be talking anymore. Wooyoung just wanted to know, he wanted to know he was gone. He just couldn’t bare the thought of constantly being in the dark, never knowing if San was going to come back, if he was going to come back at all.

He had many theories. His new job, at the garage, his new apartment in Itaewon and his new daily attire, that strategically covered up his bruises. He hadn’t forgotten when he had walked into the garage and his eye was swollen red and his finger had been dislocated. That he had been fighting had become obvious to Wooyoung. Even when he had looked upon his chest, he had already seen the imprints of fingers and the defined bruising that could have only been caused by a foot or a fist. Why he was fighting was not clear to Wooyoung. But having met up with him a few times and seeing new bruises every time, suggested to Wooyoung that it was a common occurrence and if you were fighting more frequently you were probably doing some illegal things.

Sitting behind his computer at work he scrolled through the different files that were hidden behind many passwords. They were the old cases that San had been working on. In them he tried to look for clues, things that could maybe give him an idea of what San had been interested in when it came to illegal activities. He knew San well enough to know that he was into some fucked up shit and he believed that because of all that had happened he had crossed a boundary and ventured into this new field to sustain his wicked needs.

The idea of it had been something Wooyoung tried to ignore, but now that San was not talking to him, it came to the forefront even more. San had asked him to not talk about or ask after his new job, his actual new job and not the one he had at the garage, and it had been obvious that it was something that was against the law. But now that it was keeping San away from him, he needed to know even more than before what it was.

Wooyoung sighed and he closed the different files. He was starting to get a headache from the overload of information and from the effect the images had on his body. It was a dead end and at some point, he needed to let it go.

He rolled back his chair and he picked up his phone. He saw a few messages from Seonghwa and after having been entrenched in all the different files, he had almost forgotten what he had proposed to Seonghwa.

_You’re joking right_

_…_

Wooyoung smiled. Seonghwa didn’t know how to act.

_We should have sex together Seonghwa_

He typed the message and clicked send before he could regret it. He saw that Seonghwa was online and somehow his hands started getting sweaty.

_Really?_

_…You want to have sex with me?_

Yes, silly, why else would I say it, Wooyoung thought. Quickly he typed a message back.

_I want to have sex with you, Seonghwa_

_You know how it works right_

Wooyoung was unsure whether Seonghwa actually knew what he was suggesting when he was saying sex. Maybe he was just imagining them jerking each other off together. That could be fun, but Wooyoung preferred to be fucked in the ass.

_I think I know how it works…_

Wooyoung decided to be frank with him.

_When I say sex I mean_

_I want you to fuck me in my ass_

_Do you want to fuck me Seonghwa?_

He saw him typing. Then it disappeared. He was not online for a little while, and Wooyoung started to doubt what he was doing. Was it wrong of with him to do this? If he was being honest with himself, he was using Seonghwa to distract him from the things that were going on. Was he just a toy for him to play with? He felt a gut feeling that he shouldn’t doing this, but the desire to be loved and to be held was too strong for Wooyoung to pay it any more mind. He saw the word online pop up on the screen again and Seonghwa started typing again.

_I’m really nervous, Wooyoung._

_I’m not going to lie._

_But I want to try it._

_So yes, Wooyoung. I want to fuck you._

Wooyoung grinned. He loved the attention Seonghwa was giving him and the warm feeling that bloomed in his stomach was something he couldn’t ignore. It was exactly what he had needed and the reason for why he was doing this in the first place. The thought of having Seonghwa take him from behind turned him on like nothing else and he closed his eyes to calm himself down.

Good. Keep the distractions coming, Wooyoung thought to himself. He needed all the distractions he could get. Still, his mind went where it went naturally. And instead of ignoring it, he found himself typing in San’s phone number, as if the excitement that he felt when texting Seonghwa easily translated into a surge of energy to find his way back to San. He pressed the call button, but this time his heart didn’t drop when he heard the phone operator’s voice. He already knew it was going to come anyway and it just served as a permission slip for him to get up from his chair, leave the police department and go to San’s apartment to find San and ask him where he’s been.

Wooyoung was never going to stop loving San. His obsession with San had made him sick and it turned out that the sickness appeared to be uncurable.

He knew he looked like a clown, driving down to San’s place once more. He hadn’t driven in his car for a while now, always taking public transport or a taxi to get to his job and other places. Both his doctor and physiotherapist had told him not to drive because of his range of motion of his shoulder. But Wooyoung was starting to get really tired of all the restrictions that were being placed on him. Just when he thought that things were starting to get a little bit better again, it all started to crumble back down. The medicine was starting not to work anymore, his body started to lock up and still, his ribs appeared to be broken. And to top it all off, his relationship with San was ending. That his body was giving up on him was something he had already realized, but he hadn’t cared about it that much, since he still had San by his side. Now that San was leaving him, it felt like the pain on his body started to increase and become even worse. As if it had lost the will to fight.

He knew it didn’t look like it, but driving to San’s apartment was an act of trying to get things together. Giving up had never been a strong suit of him and when it came to fight or flight he would always fight. If he gave up now, then everything would be lost to him. If he could get San back, he would be able to find the strength to get his job back fully and to start working on treating his body better, instead of filling it with medicine and punching walls to get his anger out. If it looked desperate, he was fine with that, because desperation was what it was. When your life started to crumble down, what would you do?

He parked his car down a little alleyway a few blocks away from San’s apartment. It wasn’t as busy there, so he didn’t have to deal with annoyingly busy shopping streets. Getting out of the car, he grabbed his phone and locked his car before he walked down the street towards San’s apartment. It was around 6 P.M. and the streets were starting to fill up with people who just got out of work. He didn’t really know what San’s working hours were, but then he couldn’t be sure if he was at work today at all.

Walking to the back door of the apartment complex, he pushed open the heavy door and found his way easily to the elevator. He took the lift up and landed on the third floor where San’s apartment was.

Standing in front of his door, he waited a little so he could collect himself. He was still angry that San hadn’t contacted him for over a week and a half now and that he had deleted his number without warning. He wasn’t quite sure how he would respond if San would open the door and he would see his face. He needed to calm down a bit, because getting angry wasn’t going to get him anywhere in this case. Not that he had any right to be angry, having done the things he had done. But he couldn’t get himself to regret them. If he saw him, the remorse would probably be overwhelming, but until then he felt weak and empty knowing that he might not be seeing him for a while.

He sighed loudly and he closed his eyes, before he brought up his hand and rang the doorbell.

He waited. There was no sound. He decided to ring the doorbell again and wait a little bit longer, but he didn’t hear any sound on the other side.

Could he still be working then? Should he go to the garage to find out? He started shaking his head. No… He wanted to meet him here at his apartment, at his own home. He had wanted to have a conversation with him one on one and ask him what his problem was. There should be no spectators, because he would probably be filtering himself and Wooyoung didn’t want that. He didn’t want no façade, he wanted the real San, the one he had been trying to hide from him for the past month. He was done with that. It had hurt him too much.

But San wasn’t home. He knew by the silence throughout the hallway and the silence that came from his room. Wooyoung sighed deeply and he rubbed his forehead. He was done waiting, he was done playing this game with San in which he had made up his own rules. Well, if he can come up with his own rules, why couldn’t Wooyoung?

He was sick and tired of this and he needed some answers. He knew deep down that there was a lot more going on with San than he wanted him to know and in his apartment lay the answers. Looking at the files at the job, he could come up with different narratives of where San was hanging out, but if he wanted to confirm any of them, he needed evidence.

Wooyoung stared at the lock pad on San’s door. It was a basic one, the ones they installed in most apartments throughout Seoul, where you slide up the front and a keypad appears.

Wooyoung smirked. It was simple, he had entered his fair share of apartments in his days at the Special Operations Unit. They had all kinds of tools to break into apartments, like explosives or lock picks, but sometimes they used different measures when they wanted to do a surprise attack on unaware suspects sleeping in their apartments. They collected data on the suspects, numbers, like phone numbers or credit card pins that were more easily attainable when you worked in the special forces. Looking at the lock pad, you only had to shine some black light on it and you could see the fingerprints on the numbers that have been pressed.

Now, Wooyoung didn’t have any of these tools with him. But he could improvise and luckily, he knew that the phones they got from their jobs had special apps and features that could be used in these types of situations. For one thing, his phone had a flashlight on the back that was as bright as a construction lamp. But more importantly, this light could also be turned into a blacklight thanks to the special features that were on his work phone.

Wooyoung moved up the slide on the lock pad and the keypad appeared. He looked to his left and then to his right and he determined that the hallway was empty and no one could see him. If he worked swiftly, the camera’s in the hallway wouldn’t catch what he was doing. He grabbed his phone from his pocket and he looked through his apps to find the one that turned on the black light. When it was on, he shone the light on the keypad and he saw the fingerprints that started to light up on a few different numbers. Quickly, he noticed it was a 5 number code and he mentally jotted down the numbers before he turned the light off again. 5 – 7 – 4 – 3 – 8. Wooyoung tossed the numbers in his head and he wondered, what could the code be if he related it back to San? He thought about the different codes he knew he used at the Special Operations Unit for his office and for his safe, but they weren’t matching.

Wooyoung breathed out. Ok, this didn’t have to be hard Wooyoung, you know those numbers, because you have seen them before. Where had he seen these numbers before… Suddenly, it dawned on him how he had recognized the numbers. But of course! It was San’s regimental number from the army, B-85473, only for the lock pad he had dropped the B. Why did he feel like it was unlike San to use his regimental number?

Wooyoung typed in the number and he ended it with a hashtag. The door made a sound before he heard the door unlock. Wooyoung grabbed the door handle and he opened the door. Relieved, he walked into the apartment quickly and he closed the door behind him.

The silence encompassed him. For some reason, he had hoped that San was there and he had just ignored the bell. But he really wasn’t at home.

It was dark in San’s apartment and there was a kind of stale air in the room, like the windows hadn’t been opened in a while. He walked through the little hallway to the living room and he saw that the curtains were closed. Wooyoung thought that this was very odd, like he was trying to hide something. He noticed the boxes that were still unpacked, like he had seen them last time.

Wooyoung walked through the kitchen and it appeared clean, there were no dirty dishes to be seen. He moved towards San’s bedroom and without giving it much thought, he went to inspect San’s house like he would inspect a house of a suspect. San’s bed did seem like it had been slept in, so this meant that he did come home at night. Wooyoung walked to the bed and he saw red dots on the pillow. When he walked closer to inspect it, he saw that it was dried up blood. Had he been fighting again?

Wooyoung went to his bathroom and determined, Wooyoung looked for his laundry basket to find his clothes. When he found it in the corner, he threw the clothes on the ground and he went to look through them. Soon enough, he found a rolled up shirt that was drenched in dried up blood. Going from the look and the feel of the cloth, Wooyoung figured this might be a day or two old.

What was going on? What was San doing? Wooyoung shook his head and he dropped the bloody shirt on the ground. There had to be more clues, Wooyoung thought. He walked back to the kitchen and he thought, this kitchen looks too clean. Without looking for something specifically, he opened up cabinets and drawers. When he opened up a drawer with cutlery, he picked up the cutlery tray and looked underneath it.

Instantly, Wooyoung recognized the yellow colour of the 50 man won bills that were stacked up in rows in the little drawer. Shit. He had expected to find something, but this? A drawer full of money? He let his hands trace over the stacked bills and he picked one of them up, to see that the stacked bills were quite thick. They weren’t new but they weren’t very used either. What did San have this money for? Where did he get it from?

Wooyoung’s mind started racing. There could be several reasons for this, but he knew he had this money because he was involved in some type of illegal activities. There was no other reason to be having so much physical money hidden in his apartment.

He noticed some of the bills were dirty and had dried up blood on them. Where had he seen this image before? He knew he had seen something similar like this before, he just couldn’t quite put his finger on it. It had something to do with the files he had seen on his computer back at his job. Somehow, Wooyoung got a bad gut feeling about it. There was something so wrong here and he had to know what it was.

The blood suggested that violence was involved and Wooyoung thought about the last few times he had seen San and how bruised up he had looked. The shirt in his laundry basket suggested that he had had open wounds as well and maybe a bloody nose. Nosebleeds could bleed horribly and he could have soaked the front of his shirt with it.

Suddenly it clicked in Wooyoung’s head. He realized what this was all linking to and he remembered the picture he had seen.

Wooyoung put back the money and placed the cutlery tray back on top of it before he closed the drawer. He turned around and hastily he left San’s apartment, taking care not to slam the door shut. He left the building hurriedly and in a rush he sprinted back to his car.

He needed to go back to the police department now and see the picture he had remembered, so he could confirm his theory.

Wooyoung drove recklessly, the pain shooting up his arm every time he took a rough turn. It hurt but he didn’t seem to care, focused on the road ahead and his way back to the police department.

He was filled with excitement and horror, all at the same time after learning what he had learned at San’s apartment. If his theory was true, then everything would change from now on and he knew that if he was still going to be in contact with San the dynamic would be completely different.

He nervously laughed behind his wheel as he pulled up to the police department and drove to the garage underneath it. What did San think? That he was never going to find out? That it was something that could just be ignored? Wooyoung felt the burden of it, knowing what it would mean to him as a police man if he confirmed his theory. His heart was racing, but pulling the key out of the ignition Wooyoung knew that he needed to calm down and focus at the task at hand before he was going to flip out.

He left his car and he walked towards the stairs to enter the police department. He knew his colleagues would still be at work and wonder why he had come back, but he hoped he could prevent them from seeing him. He almost jumped up the stairs, his leg protesting with each leap.

When he finally got to his office, he sat behind his computer and turned it on. He waited impatiently for the computer to start up, which felt like it took way too long. When it finally had started up, he looked through the files and he searched for the one he was looking for. Somewhere in this file he had seen a picture of a room that had contained bloody 50 man won bills. He scrolled and scrolled through the different pictures until finally he had found it.

There it was. The picture showed a basement that looked stale and unsanitary, the floor looking greasy and stained with splashes of blood. Other than that, the basement looked like the typical kind of basement a club had, with stacked up barrels and crates and big fridges lined up against the wall. In the corner one could see a stairs that went up to a different room. And in the forefront of the picture, there were several 50 man won bills that were stained with blood.

The picture didn’t tell a lot and in comparison to the rest of the pictures in the file there wasn’t a clear link. The file contained photos of different basements, of locations in and outside of Seoul, places like empty parking lots and abandoned sports fields. There were photos of people taken in different places in Seoul, merely showing them from above as they were pictures taken from surveillance cameras. There was also a series of pictures of drugs, that seemed to be ordinary pictures of drugs as they were taken for the purpose of selling them at an apothecary. There was not a real link to be found, but luckily, San had named the file specifically to reveal how the pictures were related.

San had been investigating a fight club. But after seeing the man won bills and the bloody shirt in San’s apartment, it appeared that San had taken his investigation to a whole other level. Wooyoung’s theory proved to be correct, he realized with sweaty palms. San was a fighter at one of the country’s most illegal criminal organizations their fight club.

Wooyoung sat back in his chair and pressed his fist against his mouth. He knew it was bad, but he didn’t think it would be this bad. This was the reason why he had been hiding it from him, because it would be a burden to Wooyoung if he knew. How could he… How could Wooyoung withhold this information from the police now that he got it? If he withheld this information, he would be a criminal himself for being an accomplice.

Wooyoung shook his head. No, he thought. No, he couldn’t tell the police department. His heart was beating out of his chest. He knew it was wrong, but he couldn’t betray San. He meant too much to him. Fuck! This was so bad! God, what was he going to do… How would he even be able to see San again without accidentally exposing him? Was there even a way in which they could still be together now?

Wooyoung squeezed his eyes shut and he felt the severity of the situation dawn on him.

But it made sense to Wooyoung, oh how it made sense to him. So this was how San had been coping with things. Go figure. San needed the violence just as much as him and since that had been completely taken away from him, Wooyoung should have known he was going to try and find it elsewhere. Wooyoung hadn’t expected it to be in this form, but he wandered how long he had been considering it, knowing that he researched the fight club since he had been working in the police department. Had he always considered it a possibility?

Wooyoung’s mind was in overdrive and a sudden fear came over him that his colleagues could be walking in on him and see that he was looking at these files. He didn’t want to be found out, so he clicked the files away quickly and he shut down his computer.

He needed to go home and think things over before he was going about it too rashly. With his mind elsewhere, Wooyoung left the police department and went home, where he fell asleep quicker than usual, too tired from the overload of information.

Wooyoung woke up early and immediately he remembered what he had done the day before and what he had discovered. Looking at his phone the time read 6:08 and Seonghwa had been messaging him, but somehow he couldn’t find the courage to look at the messages, knowing what they had talked about last time when he had messaged him. He felt different about the situation now and he wasn’t sure anymore whether he should have asked Seonghwa to sleep with him.

He had been too careless and after what he had found out yesterday he realized the errors he had made. Wooyoung was suddenly able to explain certain things. Why San had been hiding things from him and why he had deleted his phone number. Was he trying to protect him? Was that what he was trying to do? Still it didn’t make much sense to him. 

Wooyoung had felt an intense urge to find out more about the situation when he woke up. The situation was more complex than he had anticipated and he felt like he needed to know more about it before he could make a proper judgment. In the back of his mind he still felt the burden of his responsibilities as a police man and he knew that if this were all to be true, that San was actually a fighter in an illegal underground fight club, and he was therefore committing a crime, then it was Wooyoung’s duty to report about it back at the police department. But in his heart, he knew he could never bring himself to do such a thing. In his heart he knew, that things were never going to be the same anymore and if he had to choose between his job and San, he feared that he was going to pick San.

Before he did that however, he needed to know what the fuck this fight club was. He had heard about the phenomenon of underground fight clubs, but he hadn’t been aware of them being in Korea so far. It was a common occurrence in South-East-Asia, but the crime rates were much higher there and the government had less control over it. In Korea crime was minimized and only the notorious gangs were capable of such an organization. Crime in Korea consisted mostly of money laundering and a lot of it was done overseas. Physical fights just seemed unlike Korea, so that a fight club actually existed in the city of Seoul surprised Wooyoung.

He determined that it had to be linked to gangs who were involved in money laundering and drugs. What other reason could there be for these fight clubs other than entertainment, abuse of power and a place to make business deals? He had seen the names in the files and the currencies they used: money and drugs, both equally valuable, although the drugs might even be more valuable given the heavy policing on drugs in Korea. Anyone dealing in drugs in Korea had to have major balls, because the sentences they gave for dealing in drugs were incredibly high.

Wooyoung sat up in his bed and he rubbed his face. The night’s sleep had done him good and it had also given him time to decide what to do about the situation. Even though he knew the dangers, he decided he wanted to see the fight club for himself.

After taking his pills for the day and finishing his breakfast, Wooyoung drove down to the police department. It was odd, because despite the things he had come to learn he felt rather calm. This was because he finally had gotten some answers to what had been going on and he could slowly connect the dots as to why San had been acting the way he had done. More importantly, Wooyoung felt like he had a new mission, a new purpose, something that he felt he could throw himself into. The investigations for the Task Force had become dull, routinely and mandatory and it was starting to wear him out, because it constantly reminded him of how incapable he had become of doing the tasks of his former job. Finding out more about this fight club felt exciting and new and dangerous, the same feelings he used to feel back when he was in the Special Operations Unit. The difference this time was that he wasn’t supposed to do this and that he was in effect going to be doing something illegal. But there was nothing in Wooyoung’s mind that was telling him to stop.

Pulling up the files on his desktop again caused him less stress this time. He felt more confident, maybe because he had become so determined. He cared about his job, but the importance of his job seemed to slowly disappear, ever since chief Kang was checking on him more often and putting him off duty and the physiotherapist and psychologist had told him all the things that was wrong about him and were holding him back in doing his job. The reality that he was not able to do his job properly anymore was something he could no longer ignore and instead of really acknowledging it he felt himself dissociate from this person he now was and he found himself trying to search for this old persona of his. This new mission that he entrusted on himself somehow gave him back some confidence and a sense of responsibility like the responsibility he used to have in the squad. It was all so real, he could feel it and the urge to dive into it was just too strong.

If he wanted to find this fight club, which he had a feeling was an occasional thing held at random locations, he had to have a lead. He couldn’t just show up, it would be too obvious that he was part of the police or at least that he was not part of a gang. He scrolled through the pictures and he lingered on the pictures with the drugs and he scanned them to see what they were. To his surprise a lot of them were just regular narcotics, that were probably bought of the black market in China. He had to laugh when he saw his own brand of morphine in between the little bottles of pills. The baggies with white powder were most likely cocaine. There were all types of drugs and even the very heavy stuff like heroin that was very hard to get your hands on in Korea. Wooyoung let his mind wander and he figured that this might be a medium through which he could get access into the fight club.

He pulled up some files from a different map that had information on some notorious drug dealers in Korea. Most of these files contained solved cases and the names he read were of people that were now serving time in prison. What if he… Got in contact with a drug dealer on the streets in Seoul and he would buy some stuff from him? In return he could sell him some of his drugs. He had to get a new batch of his prescription drugs anyway and he knew that he could get his hands on an extra batch of morphine if he asked nicely. He was a police man, it had its privileges. He would just have to, you know, take a little less medicine for himself for the upcoming weeks so he could sell some of the morphine to the drug dealer for a good price. After that it wouldn’t be too difficult to get some information about underground fight clubs, he figured.

It would work. He had all the information he needed and if he needed more information he could get it from the different departments within the police. It wouldn’t be too difficult to find the drug lords and after that, he would surely come to find this fight club and see what San was doing there.

Wooyoung looked at his phone and his thumb hovered over the Kakao app. He should look at the messages Seonghwa had sent him, he couldn’t ignore him all day. He felt strange about the whole situation. Sure, he had definitely liked kissing Seonghwa and he didn’t really regret it, but should he really be going further than that? When he wasn’t entirely sure what the situation with San was?

They hadn’t broken it off, they had just had a discussion, although it had been a heated discussion. San was acting strange and the whole control thing with the choking, it still was difficult for Wooyoung just thinking about it, but he knew that he was willing to work things out if it meant he could be with San. The knowledge of the fight club had definitely changed things for Wooyoung.

He clicked on the Kakao app and his chat with Seonghwa opened. He read through the messages quickly.

_When can we meet again?_

_And eh… Do you want me to take care of some things?_

_Oh, by the way, I’m having a meeting with chief Kang at the department today._

So he was still positive about taking it further with him. He didn’t expect Seonghwa to be confident about it to bring it up again. Maybe he should talk it through with him, tell him that there was no need to rush and that they could do other things as well. If he told him that, then there would be no pressure when he would see him. He could tell him in person since he was coming down to the department anyway, but through message seemed easier.

_You don’t have to take care of anything Seonghwa_

_We shouldn’t rush things, I don’t want to scare you_

_We can take our time_

He wasn’t going to be able to meet Seonghwa at the department anyway. He had made up his mind and instead of slaving away behind his computer all day, he decided he would leave work early and he would go to San’s job. That was, his job at the garage.

If he was going to find this fight club, he should at least give San one more chance to talk with him man to man. Maybe things weren’t as bad as he thought they were and maybe San would allow him back into his world if he swore to him that he would let his business be his business. Wooyoung was level enough that he wanted to deal with this as adults and talk things through and San should man up as well instead of keeping on avoiding him. He knew that in this case talking with him was the right thing to do.

His phone buzzed and he looked at the messages Seonghwa had send him.

_I was kind of afraid I was rushing into things, but your texting turned me on_

_I have so many questions… I don’t even know if I’m ready for it_

_Thanks for taking it slow with me, Wooyoung_

Wooyoung smiled. He was glad. He was already suspecting Seonghwa had been acting tough, but no straight man was that confident about fucking a man. Yeah, they knew where to stick it, but that was about it when it came to their knowledge about gay sex. He remembered the first time San tried to have sex with him. He remembered how it had involved bondage… He laughed, it finally clicked in his mind. The control thing was nothing new and he should have not been surprised. He knew San better than he thought after all.

He typed a message back to Seonghwa.

_Never be afraid to ask me anything, Seonghwa_

Wooyoung found himself in the same street where he had been intimate with San for the last time. The garage doomed up at the end of the street and Wooyoung felt hopeful. His mind was fogged up with thoughts of the back of that garage, the secret working place where he had found San bruised and beaten up, the place where San had taken him from behind while he was pressed up against the fridge.

There was always a part of him that secretly wished every encounter he had with San ended in sex. He simply desired him so much, he never got tired of him. And when he wasn’t there, he was dreaming of him.

The garage looked the same as it had done before. This time there wasn’t a car that was being worked on in front of the shop and he didn’t see a person at first. He took the liberty to walk inside, after all he had been here before and they might recognize his face. He heard noises in the back and he saw that there was a car that was being worked on in the back. There was a guy who was holding a welder and he was about to work on something, but then he looked up at Wooyoung.

“Oh hello, can I help you?” he said in a Satoori accent. It took Wooyoung off guard. He saw that the guy was young.

“Yeah, hi, I believe Choi San works here? Is he present?” Wooyoung asked.

The guy placed the machine on the work bench and he removed his gloves. “Choi San? I’m not sure if I know him. Sorry, I’m new here, worked here for just a few days now,” he said, before he started walking to the back. “Let me ask my boss real quick, just a second,” he put up his hand before he disappeared through a door in the back.

The garage was suddenly awfully silent and Wooyoung waited impatiently while he was looking at the car that they were working on. It was a black Volvo, one that was often used by businessmen.

Through the door came the boss with the new guy behind him.

“Hi, you asked for Choi san?” the owner of the place pointed at him as he walked towards him.

“Yeah, I am,” Wooyoung said confused.

“Oh, well, he doesn’t work here anymore lad. He quit last week. Said he had found something better.”

He had found something better. Oh, Wooyoung knew what something better was. He looked at the man in awe, trying to process what he had just said.

“Did he, eh, quit on short notice or something?”

“Yeah, he did. I told him that we had a contract. He left without getting his last pay check,” the man shook his head in disbelief. “It was kind of a strange guy if you ask me. Didn’t want to let him work in the front either, he always looked, well, beaten up. It was time for him to leave anyway, so I’m glad he decided to quit himself.”

“I think I know enough,” Wooyoung said. “Thank you,” he put up his hand before he turned around and he left the place.

What in the actual fuck was going on? So he had decided to just quit his job and leave it at that? Without collecting his pay check? Was this some kind of a sick joke? Or was he, like, trying to hide from him? If he didn’t want him in his life, for God’s sake, why wouldn’t he just tell him instead of disappearing like this!?

Wooyoung’s heart started racing when he realised that he might have lost his final way to get into contact with San and it dawned on him that it might be even worse than that. He found himself sprinting through the street, not even jogging anymore and he rushed towards San’s apartment that was just around the corner.

The route had become routine and he didn’t have to think about it. Through the heavy door, into the lift, onto the third floor and to apartment number 312.

He didn’t even knock, he went straight for the lock pad and he opened it to reveal the keypad. He typed in the numbers and he waited for the sound and for the door to unlock. Only he heard a different sound and the door remained locked. What!? He tried the number again, thinking that he might have made a mistake. Again, however, the door remained locked. He resolved to knocking on the door and ringing the bell, thinking that San might have changed the number for some reason. He did so impatiently and he suddenly heard a voice behind him.

“He’s not there,” the same woman said who he had been talking to before when San hadn’t been home. It was one of the residents of the apartment complex. Wooyoung looked at her alarmed.

“I’m afraid he moved out earlier this week. I saw them removing boxes and furniture from the room all day yesterday,” she said and she looked him up an down with a judging look. 

“You’re saying he doesn’t live here anymore?” Wooyoung breathed.

“The apartment’s empty. There were people looking at the place today to maybe hire it.”

Wooyoung looked at the woman, but his vision started becoming blurry and he placed his hand against the wall to support himself. Was this really happening? It had not been just a way to mess with him, but he had actually left him? Leaving no more clues behind for him to find him? This was really it? The end of him and San?

He shook his head. No. No. Fuck no. He was not pulling this shit on him. Who the fuck did he think he was, to just go ahead and disappear!?

Wooyoung started grinning. He turned around and he leaned with his back against the wall and he looked up at the ceiling. He wanted to have him leave him. He wanted him to do him bad. He wanted him to go crazy. San didn’t care any longer. How long had it been since he stopped caring? And why was Wooyoung still being tricked into thinking that there was ever any potential for them?

A fool in love. A fool, definitely. But fuck that shit, Wooyoung thought. If he was going to do him like this, then fuck all responsibility.

“Thank you for letting me know,” Wooyoung said through gritted teeth and he called for the elevator.

“No problem,” the woman said. He could hear the sarcasm in her voice and he needed to have that elevator come up quickly before he would decide to walk over to her and punch her in the face.

Luckily for her it arrived and he stepped in the elevator, almost breaking the button that said ground floor for punching it with his fist.

When he got out of the building and he could breathe in the fresh air he took a moment to take in some deep breaths. He felt himself losing his shit and knowing that he was still in the possession of a badge and he was in public right now, he tried to refrain himself with all his might not to trash a street lantern or break a window.

He walked towards the station and the anger that burned inside of him blurred his vision. He remembered that Seonghwa had told him he was at the police department and he figured out a way how he would be able to calm himself down. He retrieved his phone and with shaking hands he searched for Seonghwa’s number and dialled it.

“ _Wooyoung, what’s up_ ,” he heard Seonghwa’s voice on the other side. “ _What’s going on?_ ”

“Hey Seonghwa,” Wooyoung said as he tried to collect himself. “Are you at the police department?” he heard his breathing pattern was off.

“ _Yeah, I am. Are you still here?_ ” In the background Wooyoung could hear different voices, that were probably from his colleagues.

“I’m on my way there,” Wooyoung said. “Why don’t you meet me outside. I want to go somewhere together.” 

“ _Go somewhere?_ ” He heard the slight distraction in Seonghwa’s voice and he started talking more quietly. “ _Where?_ ”

He had wanted to hold back, for San’s sake. He had wanted to be faithful. But now there was no reason for him anymore to hold back.

“Somewhere we can fuck.”


	5. He hurt me but it felt like true love

It took Seonghwa a little while, before he finally appeared through the front door of the police department. When their eyes met, Wooyoung could tell how alarmed Seonghwa was and the way he looked around him before he buried his hands deeply in the pockets of his padded coat confirmed to Wooyoung he was nervous to see him.

“Hey, I’m here,” Seonghwa said, walking up to him.

Wooyoung stood up, he had been sitting on the low wall that was connected to the stone staircase that led up to the front door of the police department for a while now. His body had begun to ache for sitting too long on the cold stone, since it had taken Seonghwa a little while before he finally appeared outside.

“What makes you want to meet up all of a sudden?” Seonghwa asked. He didn’t say it in a mean tone, neither was it formed as a question that needed a serious answer. He could tell Seonghwa was just taken aback by their previous conversation on the phone and he was testing the waters to determine whether Wooyoung had actually meant what he had said.

“You wanted to meet again, didn’t you?” Wooyoung said, looking up at Seonghwa innocently. Nothing was holding Wooyoung back to be cheeky with Seonghwa and he felt like the situation had made him let go of all his restraints. He felt no doubts, no fears, no restrictions, he was simply going along with the flow of feelings and thoughts that he felt rushing up to the surface.

“Yes, I wanted to meet again,” Seonghwa said and he turned his body towards him, hugging his open coat closer to his body. His body language told him he was overwhelmed and was feeling exposed standing in front of the entrance of the police department where people were coming in and out. 

Seonghwa went to stand closer to Wooyoung and he brought his mouth to his ear. “I thought you said we could take things slow, why the sudden change?”

Seonghwa stepped back and his eyes were screaming insecurity as he stared at Wooyoung and he waited for a response from him.

Wooyoung smiled. “We can still take things slow if you want to.”

Seonghwa bit his slip and his eyes rolled back in his head. He stepped forward and he grabbed Wooyoung’s arm and he dragged him with him. “Walk with me, I don’t want to stay here.”

“Me neither,” Wooyoung said and he grinned. He felt Seonghwa’s grasp tighten around his arm. Wooyoung looked up at him while they walked down the busy street and meeting Seonghwa’s eyes, they seemed like they were on fire.

Seonghwa brought his face closer to him and he whispered in his ear. “I didn’t mean to say I don’t want to. Because I do. I think do.”

“You think or you know?”

“Don’t talk so loudly!” Seonghwa’s brow furrowed and he glared at the people walking by panicked.

“Relax, Seonghwa. Let’s just go get a drink somewhere,” Wooyoung said and he patted Seonghwa’s hand that still had a strong grasp around his left arm.

Seonghwa’s brow furrowed a few times while he looked at him unsurely. “What do you mean, go get a drink!?”

Wooyoung looked at Seonghwa’s face and for the first time he realized that the proposal he had made actually brought a lot of stress onto Seonghwa. He hadn’t thought about that, what the suggestion would bring about in Seonghwa’s mind and how he would respond to it, but then again Wooyoung had been acting out of impulse and frustration. The suggestion had been made before he could give it any more thought. 

He realized he needed to go about this differently. Taking him to his home right now or to a hotel room and have him take him from behind would probably result in a mess, if he looked at Seonghwa now. His whole body was tensed up, he could feel it from the way he gripped his arm and he could see it from the way his face was scrunched up.

Seonghwa had never done something like this before and since nothing about all of this was really new to Wooyoung, he hadn’t stopped to think how scary and exciting at the same time this must be for him. Seonghwa clearly needed to relax first before they could do anything at all.

Wooyoung put his hand over Seonghwa his hand again and he carefully tried to pull Seonghwa’s fingers back to free his arm from Seonghwa’s strong grip. Seonghwa noticed what he was doing and he let go of his arm immediately. Wooyoung took this moment to grab Seonghwa’s hand and he pulled him to the side of the road. He squeezed Seonghwa’s hand lovingly and he looked up at Seonghwa who looked at him in even more distress now.

“Yes, Seonghwa, let’s just go get a drink. Just relax a little, the night is still young,” Wooyoung looked up in Seonghwa’s eyes in a meaningful manner as he tried to calm him down but also tell him that he was still serious about his proposal. If he wanted to back out, of course he could still do that, but he might feel more comfortable after they sat down somewhere more private and had a drink to relax their bodies.

“A drink. So we can talk?” Seonghwa’s brow furrowed again and he squeezed Wooyoung’s hand. It showed that he liked the way he held his hand and it invoked this natural reaction in him to respond with a squeeze, but the rest of his body was still rigid, his shoulders tensed up as he had his back towards the road and was trying to hide how close their bodies were.

Seonghwa was inquiring whether this drink meant an end to Wooyoung’s suggested activity or a continuation of it. It perplexed Wooyoung that he was asking these questions. Why was Seonghwa becoming so insecure in this situation when he had told him crystal clear what he wanted and what he wanted to do with him?

Maybe Wooyoung should take a step back and actually really take it slow for once. He had told Seonghwa he would take it slow, but when he had said that he didn’t even really know what that meant, because he was so used to rushing into things, simply because his lust took over. If he wanted this thing to work with Seonghwa, who was a completely different person than San, he had to treat him differently and actually for once take his time. It would take some effort, but who knows, there might be a really nice outcome if he took things slow with Seonghwa.

“So we can talk, so we can have a nice drink, so we can have a passionate kiss,” Wooyoung said, looking up at Seonghwa. “What do you think? Does that sound good?”

Seonghwa looked at him through narrowed eyes.

“Anything to make you feel comfortable,” Wooyoung whispered. “That’s all I care about.”

Seonghwa’s face relaxed and he noticed a change in him, like he was finally starting to get a grip on the situation and wasn’t so freaked out anymore. “I want this, Wooyoung. I never thought you were actually going to ask me to make love to you. I am kind of… I don’t know… I just want to do things right ok?”

“Of course,” Wooyoung said, but he could barely hide his response when Seonghwa used the words _make love to you_ instead of the more crass _fuck you_ that he had become so used to. “That’s why I think we should have a talk over a drink. I want to answer all the questions you have.”

“I have a lot of questions, Wooyoung,” Seonghwa said. He started looking around him and he let go of Wooyoung’s hand. “But not here. Let’s go somewhere then, like you suggested. Where do you want to go?”

“There’s a little bar in a basement nearby. It has a lot of nooks and crooks where we can hide.”

“Good.” Seonghwa looked at him, waiting for Wooyoung to lead the way.

Wooyoung smiled at Seonghwa in a way to reassure him once more, before he turned towards the road again to find his way towards the little bar. Seonghwa followed him submissively, like a dog trusting its owner to lead the way.

It felt odd how the night was progressing, Wooyoung thought, when he walked down a small set of stairs that led to a basement where the cozy bar he knew was located. He had wanted to get things on with Seonghwa as quick as possible, just so he could forget about everything, but in his haste he had forgotten that Seonghwa was a person of flesh and blood, with feelings and doubts. Had he given it more thought he would have realised meeting up with Seonghwa would not be a ‘quick fix’ for him, but then again, Seonghwa could have also decided to turn him down.

He imagined what the situation would have been like if Seonghwa had turned him down. He would have probably gone and found someone else to fuck. Come to think of it, it wasn’t an easy fix, but the fact that he was willing to slow things down and give Seonghwa time also told Wooyoung that there was something inside of him that wanted to give Seonghwa space to let things progress slowly. He wouldn’t have taken the time for Seonghwa if he didn’t care about him. But he did care about Seonghwa, this was proven by the fact that he was still here with him, otherwise he would have already left him by now. He would have already been in the arms of someone else.

Wooyoung held the door open for Seonghwa and Seonghwa grabbed the door at the top to hold it open for them both so they could walk through the door opening. A wave of jazzy music came their way, together with the smell of beer and the thickness of smoke that filled the small space of the little bar. Because of a sign at the other end of the bar, that read _‘I love that feeling I get when I see your smile’_ and was created from bent fluorescent tube, the room was shrouded in a red coloured haze. Through the dark colour, the few people in the room were seen as shadows and you could barely see the expressions on their faces.  
  


It was the perfect setting for the conversation that was to be had, the low light creating an atmosphere where one was almost speaking indirectly to the other, ridden from the embarrassment of the obscene questions to be asked. The tint of the illumination, a ruby red, no nearly the colour of vermilion, almost invited the interrogator to dare ask those questions that were at the forefront of their impassioned mind. Wooyoung wondered if Seonghwa could feel this too, and he hoped that it would bring him comfort and ease, to be in a place where he could let down his guard and speak his true feelings. 

He could still hear the swishing of their coats on top of the Jazzy music and he realized they would have to be talking in a low voice, but somehow this seemed even more fitting considering the conversation’s theme. It would heighten the severity of the questions asked, the necessity of them. Wooyoung wanted to be out of his coat as soon as possible and get in that little corner he saw across from the bar, where he knew they would only be seen by the eyes of the bartender. The bartender was used to keeping his secrets anyway.

Wooyoung pulled on the zipper of his coat and got out of it and he saw that Seonghwa mirrored his action, unsure how to behave himself in the new setting they found themselves in. Wooyoung reached out his hand to take Seonghwa’s coat from him and he turned back around to hang up their coats on the coatrack near the entrance. He felt Seonghwa’s eyes on his body as they were fixated on him and walking back to him and looking up into his eyes, he felt the rush of nerves he always felt when the act of sex was in view. Maybe now even more than usual, since they were stretching out the actual performance of the act more than ever and they were both wondering when it was actually going to happen. The unsurety for once felt exciting.

When Wooyoung reached Seonghwa he effortlessly slid a hand under his elbow so he could guide him to the other side of the bar, where the little nook he had been talking about was situated. “Sit down, I’ll go get us a drink,” Wooyoung announced. “What do you drink?”

Seonghwa shook his head and he pulled his arm free from Wooyoung’s nonchalant grip. “No, I’ll go get the drinks. What do you want?”

Wooyoung was sort of taken aback, but looking at Seonghwa he understood his action. He wanted to have some type of control over the situation Wooyoung had created, so being the one who got the drinks would certainly give him back his confidence. Wooyoung sat down and he resorted to having Seonghwa get the drinks. “Whisky on ice.”

Seonghwa gave him a side-eye, but decided not to ask him about his choice. He saw him walk to the bar and lean on it with his shoulders as he waited for the bartender to take his order. Wooyoung watched his every move and from where he was seated he felt like he could watch without ever feeling embarrassed on doing so. For a moment he wondered how he had gotten into this situation and whether this was the right way to go about it, but before he could give it any more serious thought, Seonghwa walked back to him with two glasses of whisky. Was there a motive in copying him?

Seonghwa slid into the bench that made up the little corner and he placed the glass of whisky in front of Wooyoung. As Seonghwa went to sit comfortably, he was playing with his own glass of whisky as he moved it from his one hand to the other across the table. The ice cubes made clinking sounds as they swirled in the glass. 

Wooyoung raised his glass. “Cheers?” he half-asked half-announced as he waited for Seonghwa to clink his glass.

“Yeah, cheers,” Seonghwa said as he picked up his glass and clunk it with that of Wooyoung.

Wooyoung watched as Seonghwa took a big gulp and unsuccessfully tried to hide the way his face was scrunching up. Seonghwa was not a whisky drinker, he could tell immediately. So he had chosen it to please him, Wooyoung thought. There was more to Seonghwa than he had realized before. He decided he was going to have to start this conversation, he could tell Seonghwa wasn’t going to.

“So, I called you, because I want to fuck you. Is that something that bothers you?” Wooyoung asked, taking a sip of his drink. He watched Seonghwa’s face as he waited for a reaction.

He saw how Seonghwa closed his eyes for a second and smiled. His grip around his glass tightened. “Can I be honest with you?” He looked up at him from the corner of his eyes.

Wooyoung adjusted in his seat. Of course he could be honest with him, that’s what he wanted. Because he wanted this to work. He knew that anything that was left unsaid would become a problem later on, especially since they had known each other for so long. “You can be honest with me, Seonghwa.”

“You know, when you said over text that you wanted to fuck,” Seonghwa searched his face for agreement. “Well, it made me excited and warm inside and I responded definitely in the way that I felt at that moment. But I never imagined it would actually happen. I thought it was just something that you would say over the phone, like sexting you know.”

Wooyoung nodded, knowing that he was not finished talking yet.

“That you’re asking me to do it with you now, I’m kind of overwhelmed. I don’t know… You took me off guard. I didn’t prepare for this.”

Wooyoung nodded again. He waited for Seonghwa to continue, but he noticed Seonghwa was looking at him and was waiting for him to say something. “What is most important Seonghwa, is whether you want to do this or not. I think the rest is not that important. We will figure it out together,” Wooyoung said. He looked at Seonghwa and he realized he needed more encouragement from Wooyoung. “For what it’s worth: I want to have sex with you. I really do.” He carefully reached with his hand to that of Seonghwa and he brushed his fingers over the back of his hand.

Seonghwa’s hand trembled, but only a little bit, and Wooyoung saw how Seonghwa was biting his lip. Then he turned his face to look at Wooyoung and he saw the serious look that had appeared on his face. “I want to… I want to have sex with you too, Wooyoung.”

Wooyoung felt how his hand started trembling heavier under his soft touch and then Seonghwa pulled his hand away and he covered his face and started shaking his head. “This is so unreal to me, Wooyoung. I never thought this was ever going to happen. I don’t even know what to say,” he shook his head again and he brushed his hand over his forehead nervously. Then he pulled his hand away. “I have always been too scared to bring it up, only in my wildest dreams was I able to make a move on you. I’m sorry, I have been such a coward. If it wasn’t for your advances I would still be silently longing for you.”

Wooyoung swallowed a big lump in his throat. He suddenly realized what Seonghwa was saying. He had liked Wooyoung for a while now. For how long exactly, Wooyoung couldn’t tell, but a nauseous feeling in his gut told him that Seonghwa had been liking him for a longer time now and this thought scared him. Before the idea of it filled his mind, he ignored it and decided to focus on the current situation.

“You’re not a coward,” Wooyoung managed to say.

“No, I am,” Seonghwa said. “We’ve been really good friends. I should have trusted you and just told you.”

“Maybe it just wasn’t good timing,” Wooyoung tried.

“Maybe,” a look appeared on Seonghwa’s face that Wooyoung couldn’t place. Wooyoung wanted to finally ask the questions they were here for and he decided to get all the niceties out of the way.

“I take it you’ve never been with a man before,” Wooyoung said.

“Can I be honest with you?”

“I thought we already made that clear.”

“I’ve never been with a man before. I think the thought of it even repulses me.”

Wooyoung stared at him. Seonghwa turned his body towards him so he could face him.

“But nothing about you ever repulsed me. And the thought of being with you only turns me on. But I don’t know anything about how two men have sex together, other than the stupid jokes they made in the army. Forgive me, Wooyoung, I wish I did more research so I know how to please you. Because that’s what I want, I want to please you. I don’t care about anything else.”

Wooyoung needed a minute to take in what Seonghwa had just said. He was shocked to hear those words, I want to please you and I don’t care about anything else, and in his gut he felt a warm feeling starting to spread. Was this it? Was this everything that he had wanted and had waited for so long? Was Seonghwa the person that would take care of him?

“You don’t care about your own pleasure?” Wooyoung uttered.

“I’m pretty sure I can get off by just watching you enjoy yourself,” Seonghwa said while slowly nodding. 

Wooyoung raised his eyebrows in shock and he grabbed his glass. “Let me just take a sip of this,” Wooyoung took a gulp of his whisky that slightly burned his throat, but reminded him of how real this situation was. I’m so glad I didn’t walk away from him, Wooyoung thought. He still couldn’t quite fathom how he had found himself in this situation.

“So let me get this straight: if I’d ask you to suck my cock would you?”

“Uh, I…” Seonghwa started to stutter, taken aback by Wooyoung’s crass words. He bit his lower lip, but then he spoke clearly, “I would. I have never done it before, but if you are willing to guide me and tell me what you like, I would do it.”

Wooyoung couldn’t help himself. His words turned him on. And the way he sat there, uncomfortable yet excited about this new world he was venturing in, it made Wooyoung go crazy. He couldn’t help myself but to ask. “Will you do so tonight?”

Seonghwa smiled and Wooyoung could tell it was because he was nervous. He leaned into Wooyoung, something Wooyoung didn’t expect, but maybe the setting, the drink and the mutual trust was finally helping Seonghwa to let go and relax. Seonghwa placed his hand on Wooyoung’s forearm and he tugged on the fabric of his shirt. “You’re serious, aren’t you?” Seonghwa asked.

“I’m dead serious, I don’t want to play games with you,” Wooyoung said. His heart was in his throat. He knew he was asking a lot of Seonghwa, since he was still practically a virgin considering all of this, but he wanted to push him, he needed to push him if there was anything going to happen tonight.

Seonghwa pulled back his hand and he brought it up to his mouth. He bit down on the nail of his thumb as he looked at Wooyoung. “Then I will.”

“Do you know how much you turn me on by doing that,” Wooyoung said.

“Doing what?”

“That,” Wooyoung reached with his hand to grab Seonghwa’s hand and he pulled it away from his mouth. Seonghwa looked at him with big eyes. Wooyoung could feel his hand trembling in his.

“I’m nervous Wooyoung,” Seonghwa said, before Wooyoung could ask him, since his body language was already making it quite obvious.

“You don’t have to be,” Wooyoung said and he leaned forward. “Give me a kiss,” Wooyoung said. He wanted to feel him, wanted to know that this was really real and he could feel the same electricity on his lips that were in his words. He saw how Seonghwa was hesitating, still aware of the open space they were in and the intensity of their conversation clouding his mind, but Wooyoung needed his lips on his, just to know that he was really on board with his.

When he did kiss him, he could hear the soft moaning coming from Seonghwa’s mouth. He was like a little kid that was learning how to swim, too scared to jump into the water, but testing the water with his tippy-toes and whining because when the water finally touched him it felt so cold. But the excitement of the promise that he was now going to learn to swim was rushing throughout his body and he knew that the energy was soon going to be released.

Wooyoung moved into the kiss and holding Seonghwa’s hand he could feel Seonghwa starting to let go, even though his body was trembling from the excitement and the nerves. He made Seonghwa open his mouth as they moved into a deeper kiss and Wooyoung pulled back just when Seonghwa started squeezing his hand from the nerves.

“Do you have any idea what you’re doing to me,” Seonghwa uttered against his lips.

“I’m not sure, but I hope it feels good,” Wooyoung whispered.

“My heart is beating out of my chest. I never felt this way before. You really want me, don’t you?”

“I do,” Wooyoung reconfirmed.

Seonghwa closed his eyes and Wooyoung could tell he was breathing harder. It was clear that this was really doing something to Seonghwa, that Wooyoung couldn’t quite comprehend. But there was something about it that excited Wooyoung beyond belief.

“I appreciate that you want to please me Seonghwa,” Wooyoung started as he leaned back into his seat. “But I want more than that. I want pleasure for us both. Do you remember what I asked you in our little conversation?”

“Do you mean when we we’re texting?” Seonghwa lightly furrowed his brow.

“Yeah.”

“You asked me to… fuck you.”

“Yes, I would really want that. I want to be as close to you as possible.”

Seonghwa leaned forward and he grabbed his glass, which he played with. “I’ll do anything you want.”

Wooyoung felt the tension in the air. Seonghwa wanted to please him, that much was clear, but this whole thing about fucking him, it was obvious that he had no clue what that entailed. He tried to hide it, but it was too obvious to Wooyoung.

“Are you scared? Or does it gross you out?”

“No, no, I’m not grossed out, it’s just…” Seonghwa reached over with his hand to reassure him.

“You don’t know how it works right?”

“I don’t know, do I have to, eh, finger you or eat you out? Or what do you want me to do?”

“I think it’s important to know what you would be comfortable with,” Wooyoung said. But as he said it, he looked someone in the face who had no clue about anything and wasn’t even sure if he was comfortable with giving head. Wooyoung realized that he might be putting too much pressure on him and that for their first time, it might not be that great of an idea.

If he could make things easier for Seonghwa, why wouldn’t he? Wooyoung put his hand on top of Seonghwa’s.

“You know what? Don’t worry about all of that. It’s not necessary. I can finger myself and I’ll stretch myself wide enough for you. If you feel like touching me down there, you can of course, but you don’t have to. How does that sound?”

“But you really want me to put my dick inside of you?” The look on his face just made Wooyoung crack up.

“Yes, Seonghwa, I want your cock inside of me,” Wooyoung said while laughing.

Seonghwa covered his face again, but Wooyoung could detect the smile on his face just as he buried his face in his crossed arms on top of the table. “Those words, coming out of your mouth, I can’t believe it…”

Wooyoung just laughed and he took another swig of his drink.

“You have no idea how much I have fantasized about you saying that to me, Wooyoung.”

Wooyoung was taken aback and he didn’t know what to say. He kept quiet as Seonghwa looked at him, unable to say anything to what his words were connotating. In the back of his mind questions were starting to bubble up to the surface, how could he not have noticed this infatuation he had with him before? How could he have missed the signs? But it was not a good thing to ponder over it, Wooyoung felt like it would get in the way of things.

“So, what do you say, do you want to find out what it feels like?” Wooyoung reached for Seonghwa’s hand. “I think we should just go to a hotel. We can take our time with things, get to know each other better, without having to worry about anything else.”

Seonghwa’s eyes went big and he held onto Wooyoung’s hand. “But I thought you said I could ask questions while we were here.”

Oh, so he had other questions. Wooyoung moved back into his seat and he grabbed his glass of whisky. “Of course, Seonghwa. If you have more questions, you can ask them. We don’t have to get out of here until you feel comfortable enough to do so.”

“Thank you, Wooyoung,” Seonghwa said. “It’s just that, I feel like I haven’t asked you what has been on my mind ever since the first time you kissed me.”

Wooyoung furrowed his brow. What could he mean by that? He took a sip of his whisky. “What did you want to ask?”

“Well,” Seonghwa started, and Wooyoung noticed a change in his demeanour. Something told him that what he was going to ask him something completely unexpected. He pulled back his hand.

“Haven’t you been in a relationship with San for a while?”

Wooyoung almost bit down on his tongue, but he managed to just swallow the saliva that started to fill his mouth. Almost instinctively he brought the glass of whisky to his mouth and took a big gulp. “What makes you say that?” Wooyoung spat out.

“You were so close to him,” Seonghwa said. “I noticed how the two of you behaved when you were around each other. Don’t tell me there was nothing there.”

Wooyoung was speechless. How… How could he bring this up now? That he had known seemed reasonable, given that Seonghwa was always very aware of things, but why bring it up right now?

“Why are you asking me this?” Wooyoung managed to say.

“Well, I think it’s important. I need to know if there’s anything between you two,” Seonghwa said. “I’m sorry, it’s just hard to believe that there was nothing between you two. I’ve seen the way San acts around you. I’ve seen the way he was when you were in the hospital.”

“Yeah, what was he like,” Wooyoung was talking like a programmed robot. The words came out before he knew it. He felt himself dissociate, he saw Seonghwa sitting there, but he wasn’t really seeing him. Like there was a film in front of him.

“You were there Wooyoung, you know how he was,” Seonghwa said as he scrunched up his face. Seonghwa seemed to be waiting for an answer from him, but Wooyoung remained silent. Eventually, Seonghwa started nodding and he huffed. “So there is something between you two huh.”

Wooyoung looked at him, but his vision had already become blurry. There was a strange feeling that surged throughout his body. It felt like nerves and anger at the same time. It was kind of scary, because he didn’t know when he was going to explode.

“Did you really think I didn’t know?” Seonghwa said.

“What?” Wooyoung said. His mouth started to feel dry and his palms were becoming sweaty.

“The others only speculated, but I knew, Wooyoung. I knew.”

What was the point of this, Wooyoung wondered. Was Seonghwa trying to test him? Trying to play policeman on him all of a sudden? He really didn’t have patience for this tonight.

“So are you still with him?” Seonghwa took a sip of his drink. Wooyoung noticed how his tone had changed, how he had started to sound more confident and even a little aggressive.

“We’re not together anymore,” Wooyoung said with a small voice. He had no idea how he was able to say it so calmly.

“Not anymore? Since when?” Seonghwa looked at him in surprise.

“For a while now,” Wooyoung said.

“Why did you guys stop seeing each other?” Seonghwa asked.

Wooyoung breathed in through his nostrils. He couldn’t see straight anymore, his whole vision was fogging up. It was cloudy with thoughts of going off on Seonghwa, asking him to back off and minding his own damn business. He had trouble containing his anger, his anger that was muddled with sadness and despair, a part of him that he didn’t want to show right now. Seonghwa was testing him, something he was probably not aware of doing. But this interrogation needed to end now, before Wooyoung would break.

“Does it matter, Seonghwa?” Wooyoung said through gritted teeth.

Seonghwa placed a hand over his mouth and rubbed it. He looked at him curiously, noticing the change in his voice. “No it doesn’t matter, Wooyoung,” he said. He dropped his eyes. “I just needed to know you were not seeing him anymore.”

Wooyoung could tell that he meant more with that. There was meaning behind those words. But thinking about it would not help Wooyoung right now.

“I don’t care that you’ve been with him either,” Seonghwa said.

“Can we stop talking about him please?” Wooyoung said, squeezing his eyes closed.

“Yes, of course,” Seonghwa said, sounding alarmed. “I just wanted you to know that.”

“It’s alright. Let’s just focus on us for now, ok?” Wooyoung tried. The anger was making him feel nauseous.

“Yes, that’s what I want,” Seonghwa said.

There was a silence that followed and he knew it made Seonghwa uncomfortable, but for a moment Wooyoung felt like he could finally breathe again. He did not know how he did it, how he kept his cool while Seonghwa was asking him about _him_. There was nothing worse than having him ask after San, yet he had still done so. Wooyoung breathed out. He hoped that this would be the only bump of the night and they would now be able to move past it and enjoy each other’s company.

“Do you want another drink then?” Seonghwa started. Wooyoung looked at his glass and it appeared to be empty, safe for the melting ice cubes.

“Sounds like a good plan,” Wooyoung said and he handed over his glass to Seonghwa. He managed to flash him a smile. He knew he was acting cold, a front he had used to conceal how he was truly feeling inside. But Seonghwa couldn’t know what had been going on in his life, especially not what had happened just a few hours before. Wooyoung needed to be happy he managed to stay calm and didn’t go off on Seonghwa. Because he noticed that Seonghwa really cared about him.

Seonghwa received the glass from Wooyoung’s hand and he returned his smile. Seonghwa disappeared for a little bit and Wooyoung took this moment to breathe in and out properly. His head hurt and he wanted to push away all the bad thoughts he had and all the thoughts he had about San. The one person he didn’t want to be thinking about now was San. It would ruin what he had now.

Seonghwa returned with two new cold whisky’s and he sat back down next to him. This time he raised the glass to clink it with Wooyoung. “Cheers,” they said in harmony. They both took a sip and then Wooyoung could feel Seonghwa leaning closer.

“So after this drink, should we go find a hotel then?” Seonghwa asked.

Wooyoung looked at him, but he was avoiding his eyes. The alcohol had made him more confident, but not yet confident enough.

“I think that’s a solid plan,” Wooyoung whispered in Seonghwa’s ear.

Seonghwa shivered, surprised by Wooyoung’s breath on his ear and his words. Wooyoung laughed and he leaned back. He took the drink and brought it up to his mouth, and then he gulped down the entire drink. From the corner of his eyes, Wooyoung could see Seonghwa’s eyes getting bigger.

Seonghwa pulled on Wooyoung’s arm. “But I do still want to ask you something.”

“While we’re still here, go for it,” Wooyoung smiled.

“Should I be careful when I take you?” Seonghwa’s face turned serious.

“Careful?”

“I don’t want to touch or pull on anything you’re not comfortable with. I don’t want to hurt you,” Seonghwa said. “I mean, I take it you can’t stand for too long because of your bad leg, right?”

Wooyoung looked at him with glassy eyes. “Are you really saying this?”

“I mean I don’t want you to be in any pain,” Seonghwa whispered. His face turned grey and he looked at him distraught.

Wooyoung should have known this would come up as well. After he had asked him after San, he thought there was nothing worse he could ask him. But he had forgotten the obvious. His broken body, that needed to be handled with care. Even from Seonghwa he couldn’t hide his disability.

He thought he would be stronger, but for tonight this was the final straw. What he had to put up with at the start of the night was miserable enough, but now he had just wanted some solace. He realised however he was not going to get it. And before he would go off on Seonghwa, he needed to go.

Wooyoung scooted across the bench, the other way around so he could get out of the little nook.

“Where are you going, Wooyoung?” he heard Seonghwa say, but he didn’t take another look at him and he walked across the bar towards the exit. Before he left the bar he grabbed his coat and then he jolted up the stairs into the freezing night.

As soon as the cold night air hit his face and he walked forward into a little alleyway, he felt the tears starting to roll down his cheeks. They were tears of anger, of frustration and of sadness. Sadness because his life had become so miserable and for what purpose? He really couldn’t quite understand anymore what all this was good for. Why did things have to turn out like this?

He wasn’t quite sure where he was going, but he knew he needed to walk this out before he could find his way back home. Because when it came down to it, that was the only place he had left to go. Once he was home, he would permit himself to go off. He would take that hot shower, he would drink that bottle of vodka, he would kick down his door and smash it to pieces. If there was no one left to calm him down, he had to find ways to do it himself. Maybe it was even better that way, that he didn’t have to involve other people in his miserable life anymore.

On the wind, he could hear Seonghwa’s voice in the distance.

“Wooyoung!!” he heard him shout. “Wooyoung, wait!! Where are you going? Stop!”

Stop and let him see his tears? Show him the miserable wreck that he was? He couldn’t bare it, he didn’t want Seonghwa to see him like this. He obviously hadn’t thought things through when he decided to meet up with Seonghwa and he had miscalculated his steps in his pursuit of him. How could he have been so dumb to think that Seonghwa would be anything like a quick fix? They knew each other too well for there to be something like a quick fix.

Of course Seonghwa was going to ask questions, but that he was going to bring up his two biggest insecurities was something he had not prepared for. Now that he had done so, Wooyoung didn’t know how to pick up the pieces. After what happened tonight, after he had found San’s apartment empty and confirmed he had really left him, his wound had become an open wound. Without knowing it, Seonghwa had stuck a knife into it and twisted it. The pain made him nauseous, so he had to walk away.

“Wooyoung!” Seonghwa’s voice was suddenly much closer than before and Wooyoung looked over his shoulder, to see Seonghwa coming up to him from a distance. He needed to be quicker.

How was he going to explain to him the things he didn’t want to explain? Walking away seemed weak, but that was exactly what he was doing right now. He had become too weak and he didn’t know how to cover it up anymore. When it came to fight or flight, Wooyoung had resorted to the latter. 

“Hey, please just talk to me,” Seonghwa’s voice was behind him and he could feel his hand brush over his arm.

Wooyoung turned his head away, in an act to try and conceal his tear-streaked face. “I’m sorry, Seonghwa, I have to go,” he managed to say, but his voice started to break.

“You have to go? Now? After everything we talked about? You can’t just go, Wooyoung. If I said something wrong, you can just tell me,” Seonghwa pulled on his arm and it brought Wooyoung to a halt. Seonghwa had managed to pull on his wrong arm and he felt a jolt go up to his shoulder and he cringed from the pain. Apparently, he had also made a whining sound.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry,” Seonghwa said immediately and he let go of his arm.

“You see that’s the thing Seonghwa,” Wooyoung’s voice broke as he finally gave in to Seonghwa. “This body is broken and there is not a day in my life where I won’t be reminded about it. Some days I wish this never happened to me, some days I just wish I was dead. Come on, isn’t it the biggest joke to have a cripple for a policeman?” Wooyoung laughed through his tears. His legs had become heavy, his shoulders had become heavy and it felt as if his whole body was nailed to the ground and he couldn’t take a step further. He had become a puddle of sadness and Seonghwa was standing next to him to witness it.

“You’re not broken Wooyoung,” Seonghwa said. His voice had become soft. Wooyoung was faced away from him and he couldn’t see his eyes, the way he had said it. Were they honest words or were they just words of pity? Wooyoung turned around and he looked into Seonghwa’s eyes. What he saw in them was worse than he thought. He had spoken honest words, but there was pity in his eyes too. He felt them both at the same time for him and it made Wooyoung crack.

“But I am broken, Seonghwa, I am broken, I am-” Wooyoung broke down in tears and they flooded down his cheeks. He would have fallen to his knees if it wasn’t for Seonghwa catching him in his arms and holding him in an embrace.

What he found was Seonghwa’s warm body as he hugged him against him softly and placed his ear against his.

“You’re not Wooyoung, you’re not. You’re the strongest man I know,” Seonghwa whispered in his ear, and Wooyoung knew that he wasn’t lying, that he was telling him his truth. “I want to be with you, Wooyoung,” Seonghwa tells him as he hugs him and shivers. “Don’t run away from me now that I finally have you. I can’t bear it.”

The comfort of his hug, his words, and just his pure honesty, it unleashed something within Wooyoung, it finally managed to wriggle loose the hurt that he had kept locked inside for so long. It was hurt about San, but also about his injuries, his time in the hospital, about Yeosang and all the other things that happened during that final mission and the days leading up to it. Something was broken inside of Wooyoung and he had been trying to fix it for so long, but there seemed to be no way he could be fixed. Instead, it seemed like he had to come to terms with the cracks inside his skin and the flaws that were on it, and that he had to learn how to live with them, since they were now a part of him. That it had to hurt so much, seemed extremely unfair. Sometimes Wooyoung didn’t know for how long he would be able to bear it. 

“I have watched you and I have seen it, Wooyoung,” Seonghwa started whispering. “And every step I have taken with you, I tried to take away a little of your pain and carry it with me. I’m sorry I have failed you in that regard, I wish I could have picked up more of your sorrows and have lessened your pain. But I want to make up for it, Wooyoung. I want to help you. Please let me try and alleviate the pain just a little bit, even if it is just by listening to you.”

“But there’s nothing you can do,” Wooyoung sniffed.

“I know. I know, I cannot take away all your pain, but I can be there for you. I can make it a little more bearable. Please don’t go home now, I don’t want to see you go home like this.”

“I don’t know how I feel about tonight anymore,” Wooyoung said.

“We don’t have to do anything. I don’t care if you sit in one room and I sit in the other, I just don’t want you to be completely alone tonight. Please, stay with me, Wooyoung.”

“I don’t know if I can sleep with you tonight, Seonghwa, I feel miserable,” Wooyoung dragged his face over Seonghwa’s arm, trying to wipe off the tears on his cheeks.

“Like I said, I don’t care Wooyoung. Just don’t leave me now,” Seonghwa rubbed his hand over his back, trying to make Wooyoung calm down. Wooyoung’s body was shaking and he felt like crying all over again.

They were silent for a little bit as Wooyoung tried to catch his breath and stop the waterflow that came out of his eyes. His chest was aching from the sobbing and un-even breathing and he felt like he couldn’t speak anymore. But Seonghwa waited for him to calm down, as he rubbed his hand over his back softly and almost consoled him like he would a baby.

Eventually, Seonghwa asked him again, “Will you stay with me Wooyoung?”

And even though Wooyoung had decided to go home, that he was done with tonight and that his misery would become his only company, he threw away all of his beliefs in that moment and he put his trust in Seonghwa. He knew his words were true and kind and if there was anything left he could count on, it were the words of his friend.

“I will stay with you Seonghwa.”

Wooyoung and Seonghwa walked down the street into the city, their arms interlocked. Seonghwa had suddenly stopped caring about what others would think of them, since he didn’t try to hide how close he was to Wooyoung anymore.

Wooyoung didn’t know where they were going, but at some point Seonghwa stopped in front of a building, which clearly showed the sign ‘hotel’.

“Is it ok if we stay here tonight?” Seonghwa checked with Wooyoung.

Wooyoung just nodded. He didn’t really care where they would be staying tonight. He had put his entire trust in Seonghwa and he let him make the decisions. 

When they came up to the room and Seonghwa had sat down beside Wooyoung on the bed, Wooyoung couldn’t quite clearly remember what happened. But he had found himself in the arms of Seonghwa, hugging him close to his body and letting him touch him in all the places he wanted to touch him. From touching came kissing and soon they were making out passionately.

When it evolved into something else, which felt natural to Wooyoung, he had only noticed it did because of Seonghwa’s nervous behaviour. He kept asking him whether what he was doing was alright, whether it was ok for him to do so and whether it felt good. All Wooyoung managed to do was nod and whisper ‘yes’ over and over again.

When he found himself naked in Seonghwa’s arms and Seonghwa entered him carefully, it almost didn’t hurt. He had failed to really register when Seonghwa had touched him down there and prepared him for the act, but he fit inside of him quite comfortably, even though he could feel he was somewhat bigger than San. Maybe it didn’t hurt as much, because he wasn’t shoving his cock inside of him aggressively, but he took his time and moved slowly in and out of him. He kept asking him whether it was ok that they were doing this, and Wooyoung kept nodding, already overly excited and horny as he was enjoying the penetration.

“You’re so beautiful Wooyoung,” Seonghwa whispered. “You feel so good, I never thought you’d let me feel you like this.”

Wooyoung felt like he was having an outer body experience. No one had touched him like this before, handled him this carefully, like he was a porcelain doll. Looking up into Seonghwa’s red-rimmed eyes as he pushed himself inside of him and his mouth was hanging half open, Wooyoung realized something. He was looking into the eyes of a man in love. 

“I will always let you feel me like this from now on, Seonghwa,” Wooyoung said with his eyes closed. And he meant it.

Seonghwa was a different man than San. It had been evident from the start. He couldn’t be expecting the same things from them. San would always betray him and there would always be a reason to be angry with him. But he was lying to himself if he didn’t already know that from the beginning. Seonghwa was not like San and he would never be like him. Deep down he realized what dire consequences his choice tonight was going to have. Let the difference between them be very clear, a dark voice in the back of his mind spoke to him. 

Seonghwa came inside of him while trembling, holding onto Wooyoung’s shoulders and his lips pressed softly against his neck.

The past few days had felt like a daze. It felt like Wooyoung was sedated, everything that happened to him, didn’t feel like they were really happening to him. When he walked down the street and the streetworkers were greeting him his hand went up automatically without really noticing the men. And when he entered the convenience shop he would have little conversations with the cashier, but as soon as he left he couldn’t remember their face nor the little conversations. Like they had been actions done by someone else.

Right now, he was sitting behind his desk in his office at the police department. But as he looked around him, he almost felt the need to pinch himself. Was he really here right now? Had he really managed to go to his work today? It was as if he could be waking up from a dream at any moment.

He decided to go along with the vague feeling and just pretend like nothing was going on. His finger hovered over the mouse and he started clicking through the file that was opened on his computer. It was the same file he had been looking at when he had discovered what San had been doing as his job. The same crime scene pictures filled with gore, blood and corpses.

It had been six days since he had found San’s apartment empty. Six days since he had found himself in Seonghwa’s arms for the first time. In those days there had been no word from San, not even a whisper. It was foolish of him that he had even dared to hope hearing something from him. He shook his head and laughed silently. Wooyoung was a pathetic man, but he accepted it.

To his surprise, Seonghwa had come to his apartment several times during the past week. He had told him he wanted to be with him, as often as possible. Somehow Wooyoung couldn’t find it in himself to reject him, and the recurring sex was a welcome distraction. That the lovemaking would be so passionate, was not something Wooyoung had anticipated. Every time he laid him down in his bed and made love to him, Wooyoung could feel that his whole body was tingling and the exhaustion would be so extreme that he would fall asleep in Seonghwa’s arms within a minute. For the life of him he couldn’t figure out how things had turned out to be this way, but he was so empty and lifeless that he felt no strength to change anything about it. He didn’t even know if he wanted to change anything about it. It was like he felt nothing.

The sedation was not a pleasant thing. Everything felt like a dream, like his senses were being tricked, and he couldn’t quite figure out what was real and what wasn’t. He found himself constantly asking himself, did that really happen? The pain was also still present and it hadn’t lessened. The only thing that changed was that he now felt a constant stream of pain that he had become very familiar with. It didn’t surprise him anymore.

But the worst thing was that his thoughts had not became sedated. Far from it. They were filled with thoughts of Choi San. What was he doing right now? Where did he live right now? Did he take his things with him? Was he even still in Seoul? Was he still fighting? Was he hurt? It was like his brain was in overdrive and the system was constantly working without shutting down. Even in his sleep his thoughts were filled with San and he dreamt about his beat-up body that he had once touched so lovingly.

The easiest thing was to hate him for doing this to him, for leaving him behind. But deep down inside of him, Wooyoung just needed an answer as to why he left. He couldn’t sleep, couldn’t function, until he found out what made San do this. If it would lead to finding out that he really didn’t want him anymore, it would be better than to be left in the dark like this. He couldn’t bear it, oh he couldn’t bear it.

That it had come to this, that San had left him like this, without a word, it broke something inside Wooyoung. But it had also made him realize something and that was that he would also be looking for him, until the day he would die. When someone leaves you, it becomes easy for others to say that you should just move on. But when you know someone and you have loved someone so deeply, you will never look at the world the same anymore. It will then come down to two choices, living a life of misery or going after the one you love. Because either way you would be hurt still. For Wooyoung it was not really a choice to pursue San. To him it was a given.

So he scrolled through the pictures on his desktop and he wondered and wondered… Had he seen those places before? Had he entered these buildings before in his career as a policeman?

His phone buzzed in his pants and he pulled it out to see who was texting him. It was Seonghwa. _Call me_ , it said. Wooyoung swiftly typed a message back. _In a minute._

He wasn’t quite sure what Seonghwa wanted of him, but he needed to finish this little investigation he had started for himself, before he could get in contact with Seonghwa.

Wooyoung had made up his mind what he was going to do about the situation. He acquired enough information to be sure that San was now participating in a Fight Club. Whether he was presently involved in this Fight Club he wasn’t quite sure, but he was positive he at least had frequented one in the past. The strange working hours, the bruised up body, the dislocated finger and the black eye, the bloody shirt and the money, the files on his work computer, it could not all just be a coincidence. And it made sense to Wooyoung, as in, since he wasn’t working in the Force any longer, there was no way he could release his anger and his fascination with violence that he naturally possessed. The Fight Club seemed like a necessary alternative.

That San didn’t want Wooyoung to know about this seemed reasonable at first. But it didn’t any longer to Wooyoung. Their relationship had progressed into a very close one and they were each of them trying their best to accommodate to the other. Yes, they had to make separate arrangements and set up new rules since their life had changed so much, but Wooyoung believed that they could make things work. Wooyoung had tried to show San, or so he believed, that he could trust him completely. That there should be no worry about him telling the Police Department about any illegal activities San was participating in. Wasn’t it common sense not to betray your partner?

Wooyoung knew that there had to be more to it. For instance, the money he found hidden away in his apartment. To have so much cash money obviously told him it was acquired through illegal means, but what did he need that much money for? Had he been short in money? Had he decided to keep that side of his new life hidden from Wooyoung as well?

And the extremities that this new job brought along with it, the beat-up body that wasn’t just merely bruised, but was also broken and bleeding. One or two bruises made sense to Wooyoung, but what if it would soon turn into something worse? That instead of a broken finger, he would show up with a broken leg? Didn’t he know how horrible that was after seeing him in the hospital? Or could that be one of the reasons why he kept quiet about it…

Wooyoung shook his head. There could be so many reasons for why San had decided to join this Fight Club and to remove Wooyoung from his life, but thinking about all of these possibilities only gave him more headaches and feelings of hurt. If he wanted to feel better about this situation in any way, he needed to get into action. Hence, why he had decided to make a plan.

He would go to the Fight Club and find San. It seemed like the best way to confront San and find out why he was doing all of this. To figure out what the appeal was of this Fight Club and why he was excluding him from it. San had already decided to quit things without talking things through with him, so he needed no permission to go and look him up. Wooyoung couldn’t give a shit how San would respond to him once he realised he had come to find him. Frankly, he couldn’t wait to see his face when he would see him at the Fight Club and he would realise that Wooyoung wasn’t to be fooled with.

The pictures didn’t really help him so far. Yeah, the places looked familiar, but there wasn’t any place that stood out, that made him link it to a name or an address. He closed the file and decided that for now he wouldn’t be getting any further with the pictures.

The big plan had nothing to do with the pictures any way. No, Wooyoung had decided early on that if he wanted to find his way into this Fight Club, he would be needing a lead. Wooyoung didn’t know an awful lot about these Fight Clubs, but what he did know was that new faces would always be noticed. So he needed an alibi for when he found himself in this new community. But where would he be finding a lead?

Drugs. Drugs were the answer. He had enough knowledge about drugs and drug dealers to know that any place of crime would be somehow related to drugs. And he knew that in the file on this Fight Club San had been investigating he had found documents of evicted drug dealers. Now, these evicted drug dealers would be of no use to him, but he knew that the Police Department had a bigger database that had wanted drug dealers in them. And he also knew that the police of South-Korea had a shared database with China and Japan, containing criminals from Japan and China who dabbled in drug dealing in South-Korea.

If he could somehow get into this database and look at the different wanted criminals in the country, he could find names of drug dealers who potentially would be familiar with a Fight Club. And that was where he would find his lead.

There was a knock on the door. Wooyoung barely heard it, but he turned his chair towards the door, already assured by the fact he had just closed off the Fight Club file on the computer.

“Come in,” Wooyoung called.

The door opened and Nayeon stepped inside. “What’s up Nayeon, is it time for lunch already?”

“No, it’s barely 10 AM Wooyoung,” Nayeon said, her eyebrows furrowing.

Wooyoung peered at his computer from the corner of his eyes and confirmed that it was. “Oh, so it is,” Wooyoung said distracted.

“I came to tell you chief Kang is looking for you,” Nayeon said. “He said you have a meeting with him and Seonghwa in his office.”

Wooyoung felt panic upon hearing Seonghwa’s name. “Oh, do I?” Wooyoung reached for his phone and opened the agenda application.

“Yes, isn’t it in your agenda?” Nayeon said. He could hear the annoyance in her voice and Wooyoung looked up from his phone, finding her behaviour somewhat strange. Looking back down at his phone he noticed the appointment.

“Oh I see now,” Wooyoung confirmed and he put away his phone. “I’ll go there now.”

As he walked through the door, Nayeon kept looking at him strangely, but Wooyoung didn’t mind. He had not been able to register anything today.

So if he wanted to get into this database, he couldn’t just ask one of his colleagues. His best bet would be to ask one of the IT workers in the Police Department. Preferably one that had been working here a long time. If he mentioned who he was and what he had done for the country, it wouldn’t be that difficult for Wooyoung to get access to this database, he figured. He knew he could ask for some special privileges.

Wooyoung knocked on the door of the office of chief Kang.

“Come in,” he heard chief Kang say on the other side of the door.

Wooyoung opened the door and the first thing he saw was the crown of Seonghwa’s head, the blonde hair swooshing to the side as he turned around and looked at him. Wooyoung looked into Seonghwa’s eyes and he could immediately tell that something was wrong. Why was he looking at him with so much pity?

Just sit down and hear what chief Kang has to say, Wooyoung instinctively told himself before making rash conclusions. 

“Did you forget we had a meeting?” chief Kang cocked his head to the side, propping up his elbow on the railing of his chair and pressing two fingers against his temple. His chest was rising and falling steadily.

“I’m sorry, I think I forgot yes, my apologies,” Wooyoung said. He side-eyed Seonghwa who had copied chief Kang’s demeanour, only his leg was bouncing up and down and his eyes were fixated on him.

“We have some important matters to talk about,” chief Kang said, apparently feeling a sense of urgency to get straight to the point.

“Ok,” Wooyoung agreed, although he wondered what important matters they were.

Seonghwa’s leg started bouncing up and down more rapidly, which was distracting Wooyoung.

“I have just talked about this with Seonghwa,” chief Kang started, glancing over at Seonghwa, “and we have talked about it briefly before. But we have come to a decision.”

“Can we please explain it to him first,” Seonghwa said, leaning forward. Wooyoung was taken aback by hearing Seonghwa’s voice, as he butted into chief Kang’s conversation all of a sudden. It was something that was not appreciated, especially not with your higher-ups. Wooyoung noticed that chief Kang was also a little taken aback by hearing Seonghwa speak.

“That was what I was about to do, Seonghwa,” chief Kang said displeased. “I trust you to let me speak first?”

The way chief Kang looked at Seonghwa and the way Seonghwa looked back at him, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down as he swallowed, his leg slowly relaxing as it stopped bouncing up and down, his hands fumbling in his lap, Wooyoung could see a certain defencelessness coming over Seonghwa.

Wooyoung felt a strange feeling in his gut, a feeling as if he was getting bowel movement, the type of cramps you got when you drank a big milkshake which obviously had way too much lactose in it. Wooyoung almost felt himself grabbing at his stomach at the sudden overwhelming feeling. 

“Because of recent events, I have decided to pull you from the Task Force. I think right now it is in your best interest to suspend any further activities you have within the Task Force. We have resorted to giving you an honorary place in the Task Force, which means you will only be present at the big meetings to give explanations where needed.”

Chief Kang folded his hands.

“We?” Wooyoung asked confused.

From the corner of his eye he could see that Seonghwa squeezed his eyes shut and was biting down on his lip.

“I had a talk with the psychologist. After a consultation with her and a meeting I have had with some of your colleagues, we have discussed the concerns we have regarding your performance at work and your general well-being. I think that right now, you don’t have the right mindset to fulfil the tasks at hand. Don’t you agree?”

Wooyoung swallowed. “You’re pulling me from the Task Force because of that little thing that happened?”

Seonghwa shifted in his seat.

“No,” chief Kang said. “I’m saying that the Task Force is putting too much pressure on you right now, which is debilitating you and hindering you in performing your tasks.”

“I don’t think that’s true,” Wooyoung said. He felt strange. He knew this situation was bound to happen, yet still it shocked him. But his sedated mind, his surface-like response to things happening around him relieved him of feeling the great consequences to this death knell. He felt no fear anymore, he was past that point. So he didn’t see a reason as to not go against his superior in this moment. “Yes, my body might be failing me, I have no control over that. But my mind,” he pointed with his index-finger to his head, “I do have control over that. I know how to act and when to act. I think my act in the Special Operations Unit has proven that.”

“Praise has to be given to your act during the terrorist attack, I admit. But right now I see it as my duty not to push you any further and demand things of you that might not be beneficial in the future,” chief Kang leaned forward. Wooyoung noticed how Seonghwa had fallen silent completely. “You had to go the hospital again Wooyoung, and that’s where I draw the line, I trust you to understand that.”

Hmm. Ok, alright. Wooyoung got the message. This meeting was not to have a discussion with him about his place in the Task Force, because the decision had already been made long before he sat down here in his office, although he had been a bit late indeed because of his scattered mind. What part did Seonghwa have in it?

“So he is to be doing the trainings on his own then?” Wooyoung pointed at Seonghwa without looking at him. He could hear him breathe in.

“We have someone else to take your place,” chief Kang said.

“There’s always someone else to take my place,” Wooyoung whispered.

“What’s that?”

“Nothing,” Wooyoung scoffed. “I get it. It’s good that you took care of that for me. Is there anything else that I need to take care of? Do I need to look for other replacers?”

He was aware he was not talking in the most polite way, but he seemed to be having no control over it. It was automatic, like a generated voice. He was there, he was living it, but he wasn’t experiencing it. What moments in his life had he lived through before, but hadn’t been able to experience, simply because of how fucked up it was?

“We have taken care of that, you don’t need to worry about that,” chief Kang said.

Wooyoung could feel the way Seonghwa was looking at him. That awful look of pity that he hated, resented even. He wanted him to stop looking at him like that.

“Good,” Wooyoung said. He stood up from his chair. “Then I might be getting back to my office. I don’t have anything to discuss regarding the Task Force anymore anyway, and I got other stuff to do.” He flashed a smile to chief Kang. He could see chief Kang didn’t like the way he was talking to him, but he wasn’t going to make a point about it either, considering the situation.

“We’ll have a talk later this week,” chief Kang said.

“Sure,” Wooyoung said, walking back to the door. He opened it and he stepped outside, back into the hallway, back to his miserable office and his miserable office job.

But it didn’t matter anymore, he knew that. He felt it. It didn’t matter anymore, since he had already made up his mind about things. He was going to find the Fight Club and he was going to find San. He didn’t need the one-sided entertainment show of the Task Force anymore to give him a sense of purpose. It was real purpose that he was after and he was never going to be able to find real purpose in there, so in some way he was glad he had been lifted from that burden of pretend-importance. He ought to thank the old man. 

“Wooyoung,” Seonghwa’s voice was heard in the distance. “Wait up.”

Did Seonghwa betray him? No, no he wasn’t capable of that. That was a simple fact he was very much aware of. If he had said anything about him to chief Kang, it would have all been in good conscience, it would have all been to protect him, to do something for his sake. To create a better situation for him. He knew that after working with him for a long time. And he knew that because how he had treated him recently. Seonghwa wore his heart on his sleeve, his true feelings were always on the surface, there for everyone else to see. Seonghwa was not capable of doing wrong like San.

Wooyoung turned around and he saw Seonghwa walking up to him. “I should have told you. I’ve failed you.”

“You were not given an option to speak,” Wooyoung responded, looking up at him.

“No, not in there,” Seonghwa said. “I mean before, I mean I should have told you before this meeting.” His voice was high-pitched, as it got stuck in the back of his throat and came out squeaky and unsure.

“Before?” Wooyoung noticed. It clicked in his mind that he might have known longer about this than he would have liked. “How long have you known?”

“He…” Seonghwa started. Wooyoung could see the panic in his eyes. “He spoke to me last week, he talked about how concerned he was about you.”

“And he told you he was going to pull me from the Task Force.”

“No… No, he didn’t actually, he just asked after you and I didn’t really say anything… But I should have known that it was going to turn into something like this. I should have told you.”

“If you didn’t know, then you have nothing to be sorry for Seonghwa,” Wooyoung said calmly.

“Wooyoung,” Seonghwa said. Wooyoung looked up into his eyes and he saw how there were dark circles underneath them. “I don’t know what to say I’m so sorry, I-”

“What do you have to be sorry for?”

“That they… That they took this away from you, I… I wish I could do something Wooyoung, I’m so sorry,” he stepped forward, almost as if he wanted to grab his hand, but he didn’t.

There it was again, that pity.

“No, Seonghwa. Don’t be sorry. I’m not sad. I knew this would happen.”

“You’re not sad?”

“No, I’m not. It doesn’t bother me,” Wooyoung didn’t even know any more if it bothered him or not. He didn’t feel things like he used to feel them anymore. He just got used to things happening the way they did.

“Really? Or are you just saying that to make me feel better?” His eyes were big and apprehensively looking at him. Was it fear Wooyoung detected?

There was a slight urge to give into a lingering feeling that made his chest ache and made it feel like he was going to throw up. To let the realization sink in and to let it hurt. But he knew it would ask too much energy of him to give it more thought, what this decision of chief Kang meant in practice and for his further career at the police. He simply did not have the strength to endure the full whirlwind of dark thoughts in his head that would bring him back on his knees in despair. So he pushed the thought away and ignored the consequences he would soon have to face. He felt numb as the corners of his mouth turned up into a smile. “I’m not sad.”

Seonghwa stepped forward. He clawed at Wooyoung’s shirt as he pulled him into a semi-embrace and buried his face in his shoulder. “I thought this was going to be it, Wooyoung. I thought this was going to be your reason for leaving me and I would have understood you. You have no idea how scared I was.”

Why could Seonghwa be feeling so many things at this moment, while he felt nothing? Or rather, why could he only feel emptiness and did it seem like there was no place left for any other feelings besides this endless abyss and nothingness that had consumed him whole? Why did it feel so unfair?

Seonghwa had never been closer to him and yet he felt more distanced from him than ever.

Wooyoung brought his hand up to Seonghwa’s neck and he stroked it lovingly. He smiled half-heartedly. “I don’t leave unannounced Seonghwa, I make a grand spectacle.”

Seonghwa gasped and then he laughed into his shoulder. “Oh fuck you, Wooyoung.”

No commitments. No responsibilities. No purpose. Nothing. This was his life now. Or maybe it had already been that way since the day of the terrorist attack.

Once your fear becomes a reality, you become numb to it, like it is not really happening. And at the same time, your entire being is aware of the fact that your life has flipped upside down and every cell in your body is reminding you of it: the pain, the insomnia, the headaches, the depression. And then it becomes your new normal.

Of course this was Wooyoung’s reason for not feeling any regret or guilt when he walked down to the lowest level of their building, to the basement next to the garage, where the IT department was located. He was on a mission, to set his first steps in his grand plan.

A list of drug dealers, it shouldn’t be too difficult to obtain given that he was a policeman. And yet Korea’s Police Department had done a fine job in protecting confidential paperwork even from their own employees. There were codewords, passes, names, all kinds of tools to get access to this database that contained every little piece of information one could need to solve an ongoing case. The database was simply a compilation of other databases, even from places like China and Japan. Of course, there were things that he couldn’t get access to and would never be able to get access to since the Chinese government liked to keep secrets, but as far as solving crimes went, he could go a long way with this database. And if it would really get that far that he’d have to get illegal contacts abroad… Well, he would figure that out by the time it would come to that.

The poor fuckers of the IT department all huddled together in their basement, almost a bit ironically having made the place their own. The few people they saw in a day came with questions that they had an answer to, which gave them a sense of superiority. To get to the heart of an IT employee was to make them feel needed and show them how fucking dumb you were compared to them. It made their eyes light up when they could tell you something that was so obvious to them, yet seemingly very difficult for you.

Since Wooyoung had a way with getting what he wanted from people as well, the IT employee was an easy target. Their self-absorbance made them blind to the fact they were being misled. When you made it apparent how ‘dumb’ you were, they just couldn’t resist the narcissistic urge to help the incapable inferior, and this was precisely how they would fall into Wooyoung’s carefully placed trap. And he wouldn’t give his true intentions away, he was past that point, they would be easily masked. His sedated mind and all the traumatic events he had been through had already made him a zombielike being, powering through on autopilot. That part of feeling guilt and being aware of the consequences of an action that a narcissist didn’t have, yeah, he didn’t have that now either.

Despite it being the basement, the office blocks of the IT department were rooms divided by glass walls, which showed the working space of the employees in all their glory. It had given them the incentive to keep their work place clean and neat and looking at them from a distance, Wooyoung could already tell they had come up with a neurotic system to keep the place looking clean and coordinated. All their desks were on one side of the room, while the cabinets with heavy duty computers were on the other side of the room. In the distance he could see a closed off section with a black wall and nearly indistinguishable doors that told him the top secret items must be held in there.

Through the garage he could get to the back door of the IT department, where he came in at the section where the hard workers were at work, the ones that basically lived in the department. They were mostly interns and low-income workers that did the dirty jobs, like showing the older employees how to use Word and Google. They didn’t even glance at him when he walked through the door using his police department security card.

Any day he would walk into the police department and he would wish that people didn’t look at him, didn’t look at the way he dragged his leg behind him, but today, he wished the workers would look up at him and notice him, so they could recognize who he was. Did they know about him in the IT department? Surely, they must have watched the news to know about the terrorist attack, but had they been told about his part in it?

If they would know who he was, they were not going to ask so much questions when he would ask about looking into the database. But if he had to explain to them who he was and why he needed access to that database, his plan would surely fail. It needed to go smoother than that, it had to be more simple. Yet right now, none of the workers were looking at him and it seemed that none of them was going to walk up to him either.

Great, Wooyoung thought to himself. Off to a good start… He decided he might walk down further into the department and find a person that was willing to talk to him. It might be that these kids were simply too young and didn’t dare walk up to a police officer from upstairs and so they remained in their seats. But Wooyoung was going to get what he wanted and he didn’t give up so easily.

As he walked down to the other side of the room with the different open office blocks, he walked past a type of conference room where he could see some people were working on their computers as well as referring to a big screen that was mounted on the wall. They seemed to be working on a joined network, figuring out some coding. As he noticed them, Wooyoung slowed down his walking and he made his limp appear more than before. He had become so used to hiding it, that to show it again felt strange and unnatural. He saw some of the boys looking at him and he decided to walk around the corner, trying to look lost, as if he was looking for a certain person or office.

It took walking from one side to the other side and then back again, before one of the guys who had been standing next to the screen decided to walk outside of the conference room to walk up to him. 

“Hi sir, can I help you? Are you looking for someone?” The guy wore a suit and tie and he looked professional, like he could be working in finance. From the way he talked Wooyoung could tell he seemed to be taking IT way more serious than one should, and he made the job seem like a more honourable profession than it probably was.

There was no sign on his face that he knew who he was. Then again, Wooyoung realized, how could he recognize his face? His face had never been on the news and as far as he could remember he had never shown his face in the IT department before. He was pushing his luck – it would be wiser to use his other tactics and maybe give the guy some guidance before assuming his privilege.

“Oh hi there,” Wooyoung started and he put out his hand to shake the man’s hand. Subconsciously he supported his shoulder with his other hand, but as he did and he shook the man’s hand, he realized this was also subtly leaving clues to who he was. “I didn’t see any workers available for asking questions so that’s why I walked up here, I’m sorry to interrupt your meeting.”

The man smiled as he shook Wooyoung’s hand and after he waved with his hand in a manner to say he didn’t mind. “Oh no we’re not in a meeting! We have been working on a project together in there for a few days now. I’m sorry none of the workers came up to you, they’re anti-social people hence why they’re here.” He laughed about his own joke and Wooyoung joined him. “However I might be able to help you?”

“Oh yes, thank you,” Wooyoung said. “Actually, let me introduce myself first, I’m police officer Jung Wooyoung, I haven’t been working here for long. I’m sorry to say I haven’t had the chance to visit the IT department before.”

“Oh never mind, the Gangnam department is big, we haven’t seen half the employees. It’s nice of you to come down here, most of them contact us through email.”

“Of course, yes, I think I’m still getting used to the office work, I just transferred to the police department,” Wooyoung smiled at the man.

He saw the man frowning his brow as he started thinking. “Oh, might I ask where you transferred from then?”

Jackpot. “Of course. I came from the Special Operations Unit. Some injuries didn’t allow me to stay in there, so I transferred to the police department.”

“Oh alright! I thought you might have come from the army. So the Special Operations Unit… They have had busy days haven’t they?” the question was careful, but Wooyoung could tell he was intrigued.

“Yeah, the recent attacks have been very tiresome for the units. But it was an honour to be in one,” Wooyoung said.

The face of the man stiffened and he suddenly didn’t know where to look. “You fought during the Seoul attack?”

Wooyoung nodded slowly. Saying anything would be deemed too cocky. There were probably images flashing through the man’s brain, names he had heard before and briefings that made it finally click who he was talking with right now.

The man shifted on his feet. Something had changed in his demeanour and with delight it told Wooyoung that his hook had got stuck in the inside of his mouth and he was ready to reel him in slowly.

“So what can I help you with? Anything with the police system on the computers that is making no sense? I know we’ve had a lot of employees coming down here and asking questions when the new system was just introduced.”

“I bet you worked many hours,” Wooyoung nodded. “But I’m not here to ask about that. I’m here for a case I have been working on. I need access to the database of convicts locally and abroad.”

“Oh!” the man raised his eyebrows in surprise. “That is not something I can help you with unfortunately, but let me lead you to the man who works with the database,” the man pointed to the hallway on their right. “Would you walk with me?”

“Thank you, that would be very much appreciated,” Wooyoung said as he followed the man down the hallway. “I do have to say I don’t have a name listed here yet, they have been working on putting all my details in the computer. I have been busy with meetings for Terrorism Prevention with chief Kang and his priorities have primarily been there.”

“Of course, understandable. I think we can give you access to the database for now, they will just have to put down your name so you can get access to the database at a later point on your own computer. Is it ok if you have a look at the database down here for now?”

They would have to put down his name… That would have some consequences, since that meant chief Kang would get to see he had asked for access to the database. And that would lead to questions regarding what he would be needing access for. Was it worth it to take that risk?

Wooyoung figured that one look only could give him a lot of information already and most likely enough information to get him going with his plan. When the police department would get word about his request, he would probably be halfway in to his plan already and he might have come up with a solid excuse. And if by then they would deny him access, he would have already gotten the necessary information. Since the man he was talking to was being so kind to him and offered him a look into the database because he most likely recognized who he was, Wooyoung figured that this might be his only chance to get an easy access to the database. So he should take advantage of it.

Wooyoung smiled and bowed slightly towards the man while he walked along with him. “Thank you, I would very much appreciate that.”

The man returned the bow automatically. “No problem.”

As they stopped before a heavy duty door, that had a small window pane next to it which they could see a computer room through, Wooyoung paused to ask the man for his name. Who knows, it might come in handy in the future.

“It’s Kim Namjin,” the man said with a smile. He rummaged through his pocket and he retrieved a laminated card, which appeared to be the card that gained access to the room as he swiped it through a slit next to the door handle. The door clicked open with a beeping sound.

“Youngjin are you in here?” the man called as he popped his head around the corner. Wooyoung waited patiently for further instructions from Namjin. He didn’t want to be rude and step inside before he did, even though he was above him in rank.

Wooyoung looked inside the room through the window pane and he saw a man with glasses turn around on his chair and peer over the rim of his glasses.

“Yes, Namjin, what’s up?” the man said in a more casual manner than Wooyoung had expected from a man who appeared to be in his forties.

Namjin pushed with his back against the door to open it more wider, suggesting that Wooyoung could step in to show himself.

“I have a police officer here who needs access to the database of convicts. Locally and abroad, right?” Namjin looked at him.

“Yes, mainly China and Japan that is,” Wooyoung said politely.

Wooyoung could hear the man roll with his chair towards them and Wooyoung felt obliged to show his face to the now curious man.

“The database of convicts,” Youngjin reiterated. From his chair that he had rolled out to the entrance he looked up at Wooyoung. “Does he have access through a task force?”

“Apologies, let me introduce myself, I’m officer Jung Wooyoung,” Wooyoung said as he bowed slightly. As he got back up the man looked at him unaffected and Wooyoung figured this man might be the type who didn’t care for hierarchies and niceties. This could either work in his advantage or go completely against him. “I’m not in a task force, I recently started this investigation myself actually, well frankly, it was my initiative.”

The man looked at him unphased.

“I’m sorry, you don’t know who I am,” Wooyoung smiled weakly. He needed to keep his cool. This would work, it shouldn’t take too much effort to convince this guy. Besides, Namjin was standing next to him, the man who had decided he did deserve special privileges. So he was going to get them. “I was in the Special Operations Unit and have been fighting against terrorism on the nations behalf.”

Namjin coughed and he started scratching his neck. “Youngjin, you know who this man is. We don’t need to have him explain all the details of investigative work. That is not our expertise. I told him he could have access to the database down here for now, alright?”

Namjin looked at Youngjin with pressing eyes and Youngjin looked up at him with a faint hint of surprise on his face. It seemed Youngjin was overthinking the situation as he rubbed his face with his thumb and index finger.

Eventually he started speaking. “Of course, I will trust the man to know his job. I will have to put his name down though, so I can check if he has been granted access by the PD. It is protocol.”

“Of course, Youngjin,” Namjin sighed a little agitated while shaking his head, but he also sounded relieved. “I already told the man that as well. Would you be so kind to show him how to get into the database down here?” Namjin smiled at the man in a begging manner.

Youngjin looked at Wooyoung again. He seemed to be taking him in entirely, from head to toe, as he judged him silently. Then he sighed and he rolled back to his desk which had many computer screens mounted on top of it. “I’ll set things up for him,” Youngjin said slightly annoyed.

“Thank you,” Wooyoung said and he bowed again, even though he realized the man probably hated him already by now. But he had gotten what he wanted. That was all that mattered, and he could feel chills go down his spine as he realized his plan was going according to plan. What if it was all really going to work out? A warmth spread throughout his belly.

“I hope you will find what you need,” Namjin said, directing his attention back to Wooyoung. “If you find yourself down here again, you can always ask me for help. The others will be too hesitant to help you out.”

Wooyoung reached out with his hand. “Thank you for your help. I will come and find you another time then. For now, I don’t want to keep you from your work.”

Namjin took his hand and shook it. “No worries, officer Jung Wooyoung. An honour to have met you finally. And thank you… You know, for the things you have done,” he smiled awkwardly as he stumbled over his words.

So he did really know who he was. Wooyoung felt awkward receiving the compliment. “My pleasure,” Wooyoung said, and while he said it he knew it was kind of a strange reply but he had already spoken the words.

Namjin left them and hesitantly, Wooyoung entered the dusty, dark room which Youngjin had clearly made his den. Youngjin looked up at him annoyed, maybe because he had now entered his domain and preferred not to let anyone in. Wooyoung almost felt the need to step back, but stepping outside now would be more awkward, so he remained in his spot.

He looked on as Youngjin typed into his computer, navigating through a system he recognized. It was not the same database, but it was clearly the same system they used upstairs for the database that all police officers had access to. Wooyoung was not entirely sure what he was doing, but different screens were popping up on the multiple monitors that mainly contained coding. Since he was working on multiple screens he could not quite follow which one he was working on, but he was typing quickly and before he knew it, he grabbed a pen that was hidden between a mess of cables, and on the other side of the table he grabbed a post-it note. He scribbled down something on it and then he stood up abruptly from his desk.

“Here’s the login,” he said and he gave the post-it note to Wooyoung. Wooyoung looked at it and he was surprised by the short username and password code. “You’ll work on one of the computers in the back, I’ll lead you there, you’ll need a pass,” he was talking in a routinely manner and he didn’t care to make any other conversation, Wooyoung could already tell that. Wooyoung stepped back so he could let the man out and follow him. He didn’t want to have a conversation with the man any way.

As he followed Youngjin, who was walking resolutely, they reached a different part of the IT department Wooyoung hadn’t been aware of when he first walked in. It was a small area behind Youngjin’s cave that looked like a place of disowned and unused electronics. When they walked in after Youngjin opened the door, he saw different computers stacked up on tables in rows. The amount of cables was insane. There were a few chairs, but they all looked old and shabby.

Youngjin went to sit behind one of the computers and he pressed the power button. It was an old computer with a thick monitor that Wooyoung hadn’t seen the likes of in many years. Tapping impatiently with his fingertip on the table, Youngjin waited for the computer to start up. When it finally had done so, Wooyoung recognized an old system that was running on the computer. They still used 1995 systems? It seemed odd to Wooyoung, but he decided to trust the man.

After what seemed like five minutes, and Wooyoung felt his leg starting to hurt because of standing on it for too long, Youngjin clicked on an icon that made the police system appear on the screen. A login screen popped up.

“There you go,” Youngjin said matter-of-factly.

Wooyoung was taken aback by his sudden announcement. “That’s it? Now I can log in?”

Youngjin stared at him with his eyebrows raised. “I gave you the login information didn’t I? You can look through the database and when you’re done, please turn off the computer and tell Namjin you’re leaving. I have to get back to work,” he stood up from the desk and after a long look at Wooyoung, after which Wooyoung bowed to him, he started walking back to his den with the same determined strides he took earlier.

Wooyoung grinned. It sure was a spectacle to come down here, he thought to himself. As he sat down behind the computer and looked at the dated monitor, he couldn’t help but smile at himself. What a day it had been. But what a good way to end it. 

The night was cold. The icy wind that brushed past his cheek made his skin tighten. But Wooyoung didn’t quite notice it, how the wind was making his face sting, not while his mind was focused on the task at hand and the knots in his stomach from the nerves were making him nauseous.

He could still feel the effects of the night on his body, the stiffness in his joints and the cold sweat on his thighs that were the result of passionate sex. He had come down to Seonghwa’s apartment, something he had felt necessary to do, and he had found himself in Seonghwa’s arms not once but twice, the second time letting him take him from behind, even if the position made his entire body ache. The way Seonghwa handled his body made it less strenuous however, as if he was making him float in the air, his hands being everywhere. It seemed that there was not a moment that his face was touching the pillows, his body was always up in the air making movements too unholy for the angels to take witness of. Seonghwa never let go of him.

He waited for the moment Seonghwa became too tired and his hands would become too heavy to hold him up. After the second time, Wooyoung almost thought he was going to take him a third time as he started kissing him intensely once more. But it remained at just that, a passionate kissing of his lips and his neck, and it made Seonghwa out of breathe as he gasped for air in between the many pecks.

Seonghwa fell asleep on top of his chest. He talked to him for a long time about things Wooyoung wished not to talk about, but Wooyoung managed to tune out his cries for mercy that he deemed to be so unnecessary. He knew Seonghwa felt bad about what happened, but Wooyoung simply couldn’t care about the overwhelming feeling this caused Seonghwa to have – a feeling of guilt and of fear. There was too much on Wooyoung’s mind that thinking about Seonghwa’s worries would slow him down and bring him further down into his depression, and instinctively Wooyoung knew he could not give into it. Right now, there were important things Wooyoung needed to take care of. Things that would help him in advancing with his plan.

The little database research he had conducted in the IT department had been surprisingly successful. At first he wasn’t quite sure if it was going to work out, since the system was a little different than the one he was used to and he needed to use a lot of keywords to get the right information he was after. After a little while he figured out what those keywords needed to be and he was glad he had done some proper research beforehand when he had studied the file on his computer on the Fight Club.

In the database he found drug dealers that had been active in the past year and had been tracked by the police in Korea. They were drug dealers from China and Japan who mostly came in through the port of Busan. Wooyoung figured however that he needed to find drug dealers from abroad that had a Korean ethnicity, since that way he would be able to contact them more easily and it wouldn’t be as suspicious.

He had found a man from China that was quite young and looked to have been in some gang fights before. He specifically chose to put this guy on the top of his list since he carried a scar on his neck that seemed to have been the result from a knife fight. The scar was just below his left jaw and it had ruined a tattoo of a snake’s head that slithered down under his jawline. Wooyoung was not sure where he might have gotten this scar from, but he had his suspicions. The wicked look in his eyes told Wooyoung this was a man of many trades and the fact that they hadn’t caught him thus far made absolutely no sense, so there had to be something about him. But most importantly, Wooyoung figured this man was going to be his best case since he had been in contact with a club owner. Now this club owner was going to be key in gaining him access into the drug dealers world.

In the description of his profile, the man had been seen in the company of a quite known club owner. The club owner, as he could read in the file, had been interviewed by the police, but there was no proof found that he had bought drugs from the drug dealer. The entire club had been checked as well: not a trace of coke was found. The club owner had been put on a list, but no charges were made solely for the fact that he had been seen in the same place as the drug dealer.

Wooyoung knew however, that the police didn’t file a report on this club owner for no reason. That they hadn’t found any proof in order to book him, didn’t mean they would pull him from the list. It told Wooyoung that this man might be a key suspect in finding out more about drug dealing in clubs – any clubs. What if one of these clubs might be a Fight Club? And with that beautiful scar on the drug dealers neck – it would be no coincidence if that was exactly the case. 

When Wooyoung lay in bed with Seonghwa for a while and Seonghwa had moved around, finding a comfortable position to sleep in, which was against his chest, Wooyoung decided to get out of bed. First, he walked to the bathroom, just to see if Seonghwa would awaken at his sudden movement, but when he left the bathroom again and he saw that Seonghwa was still lying in the same position, Wooyoung tip-toed to the other side of the room so he could get his phone out of the back pocket of his jeans and he walked to the living room where he knew he could step out onto a balcony.

With his phone in his hand, he found himself leaning on the balustrade of Seonghwa’s balcony as he mulled over the conversation in his head that he would soon be having with this club owner. The name of the club owner had been enough information for Wooyoung to go online and find a phone number on one of the clubs’ websites. They were public figures, they had to be available. All he needed was a solid story that wouldn’t make him suspicious but at the same time directly gave him the information he needed. He needed to name the drug dealer, since it was him he was looking for. 

His thumb hovered over the call button, nervous to make the call. Finally he decided to press it, since there was no more preparation he could do. Now it just came down to doing it.

“Hello, this is Hell’s bar, how can I help you,” the voice was high-pitched and clearly female.

Wooyoung put on a grumpy voice. “Oh shit, I thought this was Nam Junmyeon’s private number, hmm.”

The female laughed. “Oh that’s ok, we use a cell here, that may have caused some confusion.”

“Yes, it makes it a lot more difficult to keep track,” Wooyoung continued in a low deep voice. “Now sweetheart, would you be so kind to pass me his number so I can get him on the phone? We’ve had some business today.”

“Ehm,” the voice on the other side sounded unsure. Wooyoung could hear some tapping sounds as the girl was probably trying to cover the receiver. _He says he has business with him,_ he could hear the girl say. After a few seconds the girl came back on the phone. “I’ll give you his number he uses for work. I’m not sure if he is working tonight however.”

“That is alright,” Wooyoung said. “I’ll wake him up if it’s needed.”

It was the best he could get for now. He pulled the phone from his ear when the girl gave him the number and he wrote it down in a note on his phone.

“Thank you, dearest,” Wooyoung said. The girl said she was welcome, but he could also hear the slight disgust in her voice upon hearing the endearment. It was the character he was going for.

He hung up and before he could think too much about it he dialled the number that he was given. When the beeping sounds followed, that felt like they were endless, he could feel his heart sink. He was not going to pick up. It was 3 AM, why would he? If he was not at work he was surely fast asleep with his phone on silent.

When he decided he was going to hang up, the beeping sounds stopped and he could hear someone breathing on the other side of the line. It took a little while before someone spoke.

“Hello?”

“Hi, is this Nam Junmyeon?”

“Yes, who is this?” the man was finally awake.

“I’m here to call about Xiaojin,” Wooyoung said confidently.

“Who?” the man said abruptly. “Who are you calling about?”

Was the man not known as Xiaojin? Could be that the police got that name by chance. He needed to think quickly.

“The snake,” Wooyoung said. “I know you’re in contact with him.”

“The snake,” the man started laughing. “I haven’t heard anyone call him that.”

“I’m sure he is known by many more names. I need his phone number.”

“And I need his address. You’re not going to get it.”

Wooyoung was taken aback by how abrasive the man suddenly was.

“Ok. Well then how am I going to get in contact with him? I’ve only just been with him at your club. Didn’t get the chance to exchange details with him.”

The man grinned. “That’s because he doesn’t do that. Now, where did you meet him? At what club? And pray, what is your name?”

“You know which club we’ve met. You were there yourself. If he doesn’t give out his details, where can I meet him?”

“What do you need the man for?” the man asked slightly agitated.

“Oh you’re asking what I need him for?” Wooyoung started laughing and then he paused. On purpose, he let the silence drag on for a bit too long. “I’m selling him stuff. I know what he is looking for and I have it.”

It was silent for a little while, until the man grumbled.

“Nam, why won’t you be so kind to lent us a place to meet.”

The man hesitated. “Have we talked before?”

“You recognize my voice right?” Wooyoung laughed. “If you would be so kind to lent us a back room or something. I’ll pay of course, I’ll trust a man like you to conduct your business carefully.”

“Well,” the man started. He cleared his throat. “It’ll take some days, but I can arrange something.”

“Well thank you Nam,” Wooyoung said delighted. It wasn’t acted, he felt his heart almost beating out of his chest from excitement.

“Can I call you on this number in a few days?”

“No,” Wooyoung said. “I’ll give you a different number, you’ll be able to reach me earlier.”

Wooyoung told the man his phone number that was the number of a private mobile phone he had lying around at home.

“Now what’s your name, because I need it to arrange something with him,” Nam Junmyeon said.

“Just tell him I have easy access to those prescription drugs. The real deal,” Wooyoung said. “Call me soon, will you Nam?”

When Wooyoung stepped back inside, the warmth of the apartment made him drowsy. He slid the glass door back carefully and it snapped back in place. He pulled the handle down to lock it. With tiny steps he walked back to the bedroom, where he hoped to find Seonghwa still asleep.

“Who were you talking to?” he could hear Seonghwa calling after him, the moment he stepped inside the bedroom.

Silently, Wooyoung hoped he had not overheard the conversations he had had. “I called my mom. Did I wake you up?”

Seonghwa groaned. “I only woke up because I missed the warmth of your body.”

On his tippy toes, Wooyoung walked back to the bed and he carefully pulled back the blanket to slide under it. “I’m here, although my feet are like ice from the cold night.”

Seonghwa turned around and he moved towards Wooyoung. He pulled him in an embrace and he shivered. “I like your cold body against mine.”

Wooyoung rubbed his cold feet over Seonghwa’s legs and he shook in his arms. They both laughed.

“Are you ok, Wooyoung?” Seonghwa asked quietly.

“Yes, I am,” Wooyoung answered.

“Did you tell your mom?” He asked him.

“No, I didn’t,” Wooyoung said. “I just wanted to hear her voice, you know.”

Seonghwa hummed and he put his lips on Wooyoung’s collarbone. They were silent for a while and Wooyoung thought that Seonghwa had fallen asleep again until he spoke. “I want to help you, Wooyoung.”

Wooyoung swallowed. He didn’t want to talk about what happened. He just didn’t want to any more. “Don’t worry about it, Seonghwa.”

“But if there is anything I can do, I want to do it, Wooyoung. Anything to make you feel better, I would do it.”

“There’s nothing you can do.”

Seonghwa grumbled and he nuzzled his nose in his neck. “I know,” he said in a smothered voice. “Still, I will do anything that will make things easier for you.”

“I know, Seonghwa,” Wooyoung said. He sighed. He knew why Seonghwa was saying these things and he knew that he was thinking of every possible solution to end Wooyoung’s suffering, but Wooyoung knew there was a maximum to his abilities. Seonghwa needed to abide by the laws and therefore his help could only get Wooyoung this far. And by now, any legal help was falling him short. The police had once been Wooyoung’s safe haven, now he had found himself in the shackles of the system. And even though the key was around Seonghwa’s neck: he wouldn’t dare ask to give it to him. 

“Let’s just sleep,” Wooyoung said and he kissed Seonghwa’s jawline.

Seonghwa sighed and he pulled Wooyoung closer to him. He tugged on Wooyoung’s chin and he kissed him deeply. Words were lingering on his lips, but he didn’t speak them.

The call came a few days later, in which Nam Junmyeon told Wooyoung he would be able to meet _The Snake_ , as Wooyoung had so beautifully called him, in the storage room of his club in Itaewon this Saturday night. The place was called Bunny and it was a standard EDM club with girls who handed out drinks at VIP tables. It was not the high class kind, but the beautiful girls did make it seem like that.

Nam told him that he would have to tell the doorman that he was a friend of Jinnie and that he would then let him in. Wooyoung was convinced that Xiaojin, the drug dealer, would definitely not go by the name of Jinnie, so he assumed it was just a password.

The only thing he needed to take care of was an excuse to tell Seonghwa, but this had proven to be more difficult than he thought. Until he figured he might just tell him he was visiting his mother, who was living just outside Seoul. Luckily, Seonghwa realised that he might want to do this on his own.

As preparation for the meeting with the drug dealer, Wooyoung went to the apothecary to get an extra supply of prescription drugs. He had messaged Yunho, if he could write a doctor’s note for him so he could get morphine for the next six months. Normally hospitals didn’t give out so much morphine for home use, but again, Wooyoung was a special case with special privileges. Yunho didn’t ask questions, only how he was doing and if they could grab a beer sometimes. He told him they should meet sometime next week.

When he decided what clothes he should wear to the club, he found himself rummaging through his closet looking for black clothes. In his mind he saw the image of San, when he had come to his office and he had fucked him. That chain around his neck and that tight black pants, the image was engraved on his retina. His heart starting racing when he realised he had a blouse in the back of his closet that was San’s. He had left it at his place once, in their earlier days. He had washed it for him, but he had never taken it home.

With trembling hands he retrieved the blouse from the closet and he pulled the sleeves over his arms. The fabric was soft and flimsy and it was even a little tight around Wooyoung’s chest, since San had a smaller frame than him. His brow furrowed as he thought about San’s skin that had pressed against the fabric, got stuck against his sweaty forearms as he used to roll up the sleeves meticulously upon entering his apartment in the early night. The way his shirt embodied San, it suddenly befell Wooyoung and he shakily breathed in gasps of air at the indirect touch of San’s skin against his.

San. The thought of him alone gave him chills down his spine. He would see him again. They would be together again. Once Wooyoung had broken the barrier, San would come to him and lay down at his feet, asking him for mercy, begging him to take him in his arms. “Tell me we can be together now, now that all our limits have been overcome, now that all of our sorrows have been shared.” A tear down his cheek and a trembling lower lip – the vision seemed all too real and close to Wooyoung, like he could actually touch him.

Wooyoung sighed. He was getting ahead of himself. He was not there yet. And the things San would say or do, they were all mere scenarios in his head and not reality. He was in the beginning stages of his plan, to be too presumptuous would bite him back in the ass. He had to be patient and heedful.

Wooyoung left the top three buttons open, so his chest was slightly exposed. It made the shirt less tight on him and it gave him a more nonchalant look. He grabbed a dark jeans in which he tucked the blouse and he found some jewellery in the back of his drawers, jewellery that he used to wear in his teenage years. He decided to slick back his hair, a look that suited him very well and would suit this character that he was trying to portray.

When he looked in the mirror he recognized himself for the first time in a long while. The look suited him and it made him catch his breath to see the scar on his shoulder peek through at the slightly open front. This was who he was, who he had been for a while now. Someone he had tried to hide since he had been ashamed of him. Now that he was trying to portray someone else, he felt more at ease than he had felt in the many months wearing his uniform at the police department. It seemed cynical.

Well, at least now he didn’t have to hide his scars or his limp. He could portray the bad-ass guy that he was in the eye of the public. And it would surely make him more credible in the criminal world.

He decided to take a longer route to the club, so that if he were ever to be tracked later on by the police, the CCTV would trace him to a different place. He took the subway to Itaewon, but he took a different exit which would lead him to a different part of the district than the club was in. From there he would track the CCTV cams with his private phone, his work phone stayed at home of course, and he would find a route to the back of the club. Now he couldn’t avoid all camera’s, but for the latter part of his journey he would pull his hood up and wear his mask. Wooyoung knew that in that way it would be very difficult for the police to track him, apart from the potential witnesses. Those would be the doorman and Xiaojin however, and he figured that they would be poor witnesses to the police. 

It was a rainy night, a result of the soft winter in Seoul that was coming to an end. He stuffed his hands deep into his pockets where he could feel the little baggies that contained his prescription drugs of morphine. He had only taken a small bit of his stash with him, since he needed an excuse to meet up with this guy again. But the little baggies would be an incentive for him to take interest in him. New suppliers were always needed in this ever-growing circuit.

Wooyoung checked his phone once more as he was manoeuvring his way through the many back alleys and he realized that he was close to the club, only there were two CCTV at both ends of the road that led up to it. He pushed down on the power button on his phone, forcing it to shut down and he slid it in his back pocket. He pulled his hood up and put his mask over his face and determinedly, he continued his way to the club.

When he walked down the alleyway, he strangely enough got a flashback of the terrorist attack. The feeling overcame him and he felt a rush of heat go up his neck. The street looked familiar, but it was not the same club where the terrorist attack had been, he knew that for sure. But it looked similar and it caused Wooyoung to feel conflicted. His body was responding before he did and the urge to respond differently was overwhelming.

He wanted to reach for his rifle, he wanted to draw his gun, only he had neither of them with him. It was disorienting him, until he realized that nothing he was doing here had to do with his police work. This knowledge, the logic part of his mind, he tried to direct all energy to it to calm himself down.

He was breathing harder while he paused at the corner of the street and he felt that his knees were wobbly. His vision was blurry, but this happened more frequently to him, it didn’t scare him any longer. But in this moment, he knew it wasn’t normal. Wooyoung realized that he was experiencing a panic attack.

It was strange to be aware of something that was happening in the precise moment you were experiencing it. He knew his body was reacting to the situation quite instinctively, it was demanding him to either fight or flight, even though there was no real threat. The panic attack was clouding his mind and making him feel things that were not there. It completely took Wooyoung off guard. But knowing what it was enabled him to snap out of it.

He focused on his breathing. He tried to breathe in deeply, hold it for a few seconds and then breathe out again. He had closed his eyes as he tried to focus on his breathing and slowly he felt how his brain was filtering out the panicky thoughts. They faded to the background, though hesitantly, and after a little while the bodily reactions seemed to fade away as well.

Wooyoung laughed. He couldn’t help but smile as the tears pricked behind his eyes. He felt a sort of euphoric feeling, when the heat had finally left his face. He felt elated, like he could conquer the world. He had never felt this way before, he had never felt something so intensely that he had believed it to be real even though it wasn’t.

It was exactly the drive he needed to walk down the road and stop at the big black door.

Wooyoung knocked on the door. It was quiet in the alleyway, just a few people were walking past him while he waited for someone to answer the door. When the door moved, it opened resolutely.

A tall man with a bald head looked down at him. “Who’s here,” he called.

“I’m a friend of Jinnie,” Wooyoung said confidently.

The man looked him up and down. Then he stepped back to open the door wider. “Come on in then,” he decided.

Thank God, Wooyoung thought. Nam hadn’t been fucking with him after all. He had been unsure whether this club owner was playing with him or not, since he couldn’t be sure what his relation was to the dealer. But his predictions had been correct and the password he gave him did give access to his carefully calculated world. 

From now on things were going to start to roll.

When he entered the building his eyes needed to adjust to the harsh light of the TL lights. The room he found himself in was a hallway that most likely led to the kitchen of the club. The tall man signed for him to follow him. He walked towards a stairway that led down to a basement.

“He’s down here,” the man told him as he took the steps down to a lower level.

A smell of beer wafted his way as Wooyoung took the steps down to the basement. The steps were sticky from leaked beer and the wooden steps creaked under his weight. The basement appeared dark and as the bright light of the TL lights had just blinded him, he couldn’t quite see what space he found himself in. He followed the man who was walking determinedly and vaguely he could make out some kegs on the left side of the room. The man opened a door and a beam of light greeted them.

“Here’s that clown you’re looking for,” the man said while grinning.

“A clown I am indeed, with many tricks up my sleeve,” a strange voice said upon entering the small storage room with shelving units against the wall. When he saw the man who spoke the words, Wooyoung thought he had never seen a man with such intense eyes before.

No doubt, this was the snake he had laid his eyes upon in the database. Wooyoung felt goose bumps appear on his forearms as he reached out with his hand to shake the hand of the man. He shook it roughly, making his shoulder hurt. The eyes looked at him intently.

“I don’t know you, we haven’t met,” he said while smiling. What he couldn’t see in the picture was that he had annoyingly expressive eyebrows.

“Nam told me about you,” Wooyoung told him.

“Why? He doesn’t talk about me normally,” the man looked positively horrified.

Wooyoung turned around and addressed the tall man. “Will you please leave us alone?”

The tall man looked at the snake. He raised his shoulders and then nodded. The tall man shuffled with his feet and he moved out of the little storage room and closed the door, leaving the two of them alone.

Wooyoung reached down into his pocket and retrieved the little baggie. He threw it on top of the working table that the man was leaning against. “I showed Nam these.”

The snake’s eyes went big and he leaned over the little baggie. He grabbed it and shook it to inspect the content. “Morphine pills... Where did you get them?” he asked while grinning.

Wooyoung pulled his blouse to the side to show his scar. Then he pointed to the man his neck. “I think you know where I got them from.”

“How much do you have?” he asked while narrowing his eyes.

“I have a supply for a year at least,” Wooyoung said, while rotating his shoulder. He pulled a face from the pain. “I can get a lot more than that.”

“Do you have a man in there or something?”

“Where?”

“In the hospital.”

Wooyoung smiled. “I can get an unlimited supply as long as they are in stock.”

Xiaojin started humming. “Can I take this baggie for now?” he asked.

“Of course,” Wooyoung said.

“They’re in heavy demand actually. But I rarely get big supplies, so you better be talking truth,” he pointed at Wooyoung while holding the baggie in his hand. He threw the baggie back on the table and he scratched his neck. “I used to get stuff for my neck too, but definitely not this kind.”

“Where did you get your scar from?” Wooyoung asked. He knew he was overstepping boundaries, but the situation he was in now made him excited and he wanted to push things. If he didn’t at least try some things, he was never going to get the information he needed.

Xiaojin smiled. “Oh this?” he said, pulling back his head and pointing to his scar. “Oh you know how things go when this stuff is involved,” he touched the little baggie. His eyes flashed back up to him. “Where did you get your scar from?”

Wooyoung looked at the man and was silent. He brushed his hand over his shoulder and rubbed the sore spot. “Trouble.”

His eyes remained fixated on him. “Trouble?” he smirked. “You get into fights a lot?”

Bingo. “More often these days,” Wooyoung grinned.

“Well you know,” Xiaojin brushed his hand, that had a ring on each finger, through his blonde hair. “Sometimes the fight can get you ahead.”

He shook his head and then he grabbed the little baggie from the table and put it in his pocket. “You remind me of someone,” he suddenly said. “I’m not sure who I’m thinking of, but this air,” he waved his hands in the air, “that you have around you. I recognize it. Your aura is like that of another person,” his eyes narrowed again as he looked at him intensely.

“Is it,” Wooyoung raised his eyebrows, grinning at the strange speech of Xiaojin.

“It is,” Xiaojin agreed. “And you know what, that’s a good thing. I think I can trust you.”

Well that was something Wooyoung didn’t see coming. But he decided to go along with it.

“When will you be able to bring me a year’s supply?” Xiaojin asked, putting his hands in his pockets.

“Eh,” Wooyoung scratched his neck. “Any day,” he decided.

“Good,” Xiaojin nodded. “Why don’t you give me your number so I can call you for our next meeting.”

“Of course,” Wooyoung said. “Where do you want to meet?”

“I have yet to decide that,” Xiaojin said. He looked around him as if he was looking for something. Then he asked, “do you have a pen on you?”

Wooyoung patted down his pants but he didn’t have a pen in these pants like he normally had in his working pants.

“Wait,” Xiaojin said as he walked past him. “I’ll ask that tall guy.”

He opened the door and walked out and Wooyoung waited in the stale room for the snake to reappear. It truly was the strangest guy he had ever met, with his tatted neck, his blonde hair and his wicked eyes. Soon enough, he popped around the corner again with a pen in his hand. He gave it to Wooyoung and he rolled up his sleeve.

“Do you want me to write it on your arm?” Wooyoung asked, taken aback. His entire forearm was covered in traditional Chinese tattoos.

“Yes, go ahead,” he said and pointed at his arm. “Just write it on that silly little rabbit.”

Hesitantly, Wooyoung jotted down his private number on the man’s forearm. As he did so, he felt closer to this stranger than he wished to be. When he was done, he gave the pen back to Xiaojin.

“When will you call me?” Wooyoung asked.

“Just make sure you’re ready,” he said. “When I call, I need you to be there. I don’t have a lot of time and I have a lot of people counting on me. I’ll see you when the time comes.”

It took days before the man finally called. It had made Wooyoung extremely anxious, since he had to bring his private phone to the job and if the man were to call him during his working hours, Wooyoung would have found himself in some deep trouble.

But it was a Saturday night, around midnight, when Xiaojin had called him. He had given him the location which, when Wooyoung looked it up, appeared to be a warehouse in the rundown part of Seoul. Why he wanted to meet there was not entirely clear to Wooyoung, but he got himself ready immediately after the call.

He decided to grab a backpack in which he would stack the year supply of morphine pills. He discarded the boxes from the hospital, they had his name on it, and he put the pills in zip lock bags.

Wooyoung took the bus to get as close as possible to the location. From the bus stop he had to walk two kilometres, which was quite far and would put a lot of strain on his leg. But he would endure it, because he had no choice.

Xiaojin had told him to meet him at the back of the large warehouse. When he walked over the gravel towards the warehouse, his heart was in his throat. He couldn’t quite fathom that he was actually doing illegal stuff, as this was going against his entire being. But the promise of _him_ defied everything. Besides, the act of exchanging the pills for cash was going to be easy. Getting him to talk about other things was going to be the difficult part. 

The sound of his boots against the gravel resounded in his ears. He could make out the warehouse in the distance. To his surprise he noticed some people were hanging around the warehouse. He had expected there to be little people around here. Wasn’t it more likely for dealers to meet in private places? Wooyoung breathed in. It all had to have a reason, he thought. He decided to trust the man.

When he saw a man with blonde hair smoking, he noticed that it was Xiaojin. With confident strides he walked up to the man.

“You’re here!” he said. He patted with his left arm on his shoulder, which took Wooyoung by surprise and he cringed.

“Oh right, I’m sorry,” Xiaojin said, but he didn’t see regret in his eyes. “I forgot that’s where your scar is.”

A guy walked past them and he looked at them strangely. Before he walked over to a door and walked inside the warehouse. Was there some type of event happening inside this warehouse?

“I have the stuff in my backpack,” Wooyoung said in a low voice.

“Oh great,” Xiaojin said and he reached for Wooyoung’s backpack. “Give it to me.”

Wooyoung let the backpack slide down his shoulders and gave it to Xiaojin. To his surprise, Xiaojin took the bag and swung it around his shoulders.

“Let’s go inside for a bit, shall we,” he pulled on Wooyoung’s elbow.

“Where’s the money?” Wooyoung asked confused. He felt alarmed. What was happening here? Why did he want to go inside and what was happening inside?

“You’ll get it soon, let’s just first go inside,” Xiaojin pulled on his arm roughly.

“What’s in there?” Wooyoung asked and pulled his arm back.

Xiaojin looked at him and laughed. “You know what is happening in there, brother.”

Wooyoung stared at Xiaojin. Then he realized what was going on. He remembered the face of the man who had walked in earlier. The man had had a yellow bruise just under his eye. Suddenly, Wooyoung realized where Xiaojin had brought him. 

“I think you will like it in there,” he said while grinning, his eyes wide and wicked.

Wooyoung relaxed his shoulders and he tried to keep his cool. Why he had not realized earlier seemed silly in retrospect. It was not a coincidence that this was happening, he had not chosen Xiaojin randomly to begin with. Right now, Xiaojin had done him a favour without realizing it. Because Xiaojin had brought him exactly where he wanted to be. They were at the Fight Club.

Xiaojin reached for the door handle and opened it. “After you then?”

Wooyoung stepped inside the warehouse with a deep breath. It was an empty entrance room with a large steel stairway to his side.

“Go up those steps. We’ll be able to see everything very well from upstairs.”

As he took the steps upstairs, he felt his knees becoming weak. What if he was here? What if this was really the Fight Club he was looking for. What if he came down the stairway right now?

He swallowed, but the spit didn’t leave his mouth, the saliva was stuck in his throat. How did breathing work and how would he be able to take these endless steps without tripping over his own feet?

“Are you ok man?” Xiaojin asked from behind him.

“Yes of course,” Wooyoung said. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Get yourself together, Wooyoung! This was your plan, god damn it, now don’t go ruin it already!

He took some more resolute steps. If he got at the top fast, than he was done with it earlier.

When he reached the top, he was proud of himself. But Xiaojin pulled on his arm before he could take in the new space he found himself in.

There were people walking past him and he realized they found themselves on an elevated part of the room. It was a steel structure that overlooked the large warehouse where a lot of noise seemed to be coming from.

“Come on, get over here. You’ll be able to see it better,” Xiaojin whispered in his ear. Wooyoung was taken aback by his whispers and before he could say anything the snake pulled him to a different side of the balustrade. Loud shouting and clapping entered his ears. He was scared to look down at the scene that he had envisioned so many times in his dreams.

When Xiaojin pushed him against the steel bar of the balustrade, Wooyoung had to open his eyes and look down at the floor where everything was happening. Just as he looked down he saw a man flying across the room as he fell to the ground. The sound was deafening. Wooyoung was not sure whether the noise he had heard was that of bones cracking, but if he was being honest with himself, he knew exactly what that noise sounded like.

The crowd was howling, and they were hovering over the man that lay face down on the ground. On the other side of the room a man walked to the crowd at the other side. He was pacing the floor as he rubbed his hands through his hair. He pointed to a person in the crowd and the person stepped forward. He offered him a cigarette that another person lighted for him. The fighter took his time to take a long drag of the cigarette.

At the other side of the room the crowd started shouting louder as the man on the ground was trying to get up.

The man who had been smoking turned around and flicked away his cigarette before he raced forward. Upon seeing his face, Wooyoung bit down on his tongue.

With his hand pressed against his stomach, Wooyoung watched the scene unfold before him. There he was. His fighter. Choi San.

With force, San kicked the fallen man in the face.


End file.
